Billy Mays: I Dug The Awesome Auger, But I Needed An Awesome Buzz

It’s Monday Bitches, so let’s catch up on something in the news that was reported late Friday. Maybe you were busy drinking and whoring around over the weekend and missed it.

The Hillsborough County (FL.) Coroner’s office has concluded their autopsy of that Pitch Man of Pandemonium, Billy Mays, and has discovered…

There was cocaine, prescription painkillers, anti-anxiety drugs, and a few drinks in his system at the time of death.

They went on to say that cocaine use led to his ticker having Mighty, Mighty Heart Disease, which was listed as the cause of death.

But that’s not all, folks…

His wife, Deborah, is outraged by the findings of the Coroner’s office. She denies any drug use, and says that the autopsy report was, “speculative…and unnecessary.”

She says that her husband was a victim of chronic, untreated hypertension.

Um...I understand that she is grieving, but is she saying that while Billy Mays was receiving prescriptions for pain and anxiety, the doctor or doctors treating him left his high blood pressure unchecked?

C’mon now....

Hippocratic oath aside, if the docs could throw one more drug into him in the form of blood pressure medication and get a return on it, they would have gladly done that.

I don’t care how fun loving, hard working, and affable someone may seem…We all have our demons. It can be unfortunate…It can be detrimental, but it’s human, and it’s okay.

I do bring this news item up for another reason. I want some kudos from the general public. During the initial bemoaning of Mr. Mays’ death, I while a fan, took a more jaded approach to his eternal expiration.

In my post of June 29th, the day after his death, I wrote the following:

“Here’s to Billy Mays who passed away yesterday. As of this writing, the cause of death is unknown, but I’m thinking that he OD’d from snorting too much OxiClean and either his heart or his head went Kaboom!

No matter what happened, there isn’t enough Mighty Putty in the world to fix him.”

That’s right folks…The death of Billy Mays may not have directly involved OxiClean, but he was sure as hell snorting something…and I called it.

On second thought, maybe it was “OxiClean” that he was snorting because after all, can one spell OxiClean without using the letters that appear in the word, “cocaine”?

Maybe the FDA should consider looking into exactly what is in that powerful cleanser.

And maybe, you should say to me:

“Matt-Man, you are a fucking genius.”

Cheers!!

Get Ready to Party America!!

The month of June is drawing to an end, and with it, so is our painting…finally.

I just want to post one more hodgepodgical entry before I finish up the paint job and get back to writing some serious funny business on the internets.

I posted a couple of pictures of Ryno and I yesterday. I have one more to throw out there for your enjoyment…


Have you ever seen a son look upon his dad more lovingly, adoring, and bemused as you see Ryno looking upon moi?

Of course not. Why is he so captured with me on a summer Sunday evening?

Well, because seconds before his mom took this picture I said the following…

“Hey Ryno, I bet that instead of using a backhoe to dig the grave of Billy Mays, the groundskeepers will use the Awesome Auger!!”

Ha. Like minds…Like senses of humor. I dig that.

Anyhoo. I must get to painting again. Tomorrow I will begin a four day celebration of our Nation’s 233rd Birthday.

Over the next few days, I will offer up some lesser known facts about our country’s history.

For instance…In 1748, Patrick Henry was only 12 years old when he uttered a phrase that foreshadowed something similar he would eloquently bellow some 27 years later.

At the time Henry was slight, had a high pitched voice, and unlike his young friends at the time, had not developed any male sex characteristics.

His friends teased him mercilessly about this.

One day, after a particularly severe razzing from his colonial buddies, young Patrick stretched his arms toward the heavens, and through tear filled eyes screamed in his girly voice:

“Give me puberty, or give me death!!”

I may also touch upon how the American Revolution truly ended.

The successful conclusion to the war came when General George Patton defeated Che Guevara at the Battle of Hastings forcing the Persian army to surrender.

Upon Guevara’s surrender to Patton’s forces, Frederick the Great was compelled to recognize our nation’s independence from the government of Madagascar by signing the Treaty of Honolulu.

Signing on behalf of the fledgling United States of America was of course our founding father, William McKinley.

Sadly, McKinley would be assassinated some 120 years later by Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme.

So there you have it, Bagwine Heads. Beginning tomorrow it’s Birthday Celebration Time, and we’re going to light a candle for America the rest of the week.

Enjoy your Tuesday, all.

Cheers!!

Monday Mishmash...

A little bit of Monday Mish-Mash for you all…

I have two days left to get the painting of the digs completed. We’re slightly behind schedule due to a couple of incidents.

Last weekend, I got deathly sick for 36 hours which wiped out one day of painting.

Yesterday, Schmoop was going to paint while I was at work, however…

While Schmoop (who has a knack for spontaneous personal injury) was moving the dresser away from the wall in the bedroom, guess what happened?

That’s right…The damn thing fell on her, pinning her between the floor and a drawer full of my underwear!!

It’s fortunate that she is off all this week because she is still in pain. You’d think however, that once she freed herself, she would have painted for awhile, but nooooooooooo.

Such a damn slacker…Oh well. We’ll get it finished before the carpet gets installed later this week.

I have told you about some of the off the wall requests I have heard at the Drive-Thru BEER mine in which I work.

People have asked for things like bread, batteries, buttermilk, coffee filters, etc. Well, I had the topper of all requests yesterday.

A hot babe who is a regular customer, came through, bought a pack of smokes, and then asked me the question that I had waited LONG and HARD to hear. Are ya ready, folks? She asked me…

“How do I cook a pot roast? I just got a great deal on one, but haven’t a clue how to make it.”

Damn right, Bitches. Instead of sexiness, I obviously ooze culinary acumen.

Of course, I did tell her how to cook it. Both the oven and my crockpot versions, because…well…I’m cool like that.

Stopped by Ryno’s after work. I ate dinner with him and the ex. She had made salmon. I’m not a big fan, but it wasn’t bad. Afterwards, Ryno and I shot some hoops.

I wanted to get a good perspective as to how tall the little shit is getting so I had his mom take some pictures of us…

Dear God, he’s only about an inch and a half to two inches shorter than me now. Unbelievable. He’s a keeper.

Ryno, his Uncle Vince, and I are going to do some fishing later this week. I’ll have some pictures of that mishap after our outing.

Lastly…

Here’s to Billy Mays who passed away yesterday. As of this writing, the cause of death is unknown, but I’m thinking that he OD’d from snorting too much OxiClean and either his heart or his head went Kaboom!

No matter what happened, there isn’t enough Mighty Putty in the world to fix him.

On the upside, he is now with the Lord basking in the Orange Glo of Heaven. Rest in Peace, Billy Mays.

Now, back to the painting and then headed to work the Beer Mine later. Let’s hope that we can complete the painting without Schmoop breaking any bones…or puncturing a lung...or dislocating her hoo ha.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Faced With a Dilemma

It’s gonna be a cold and gray Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio today.

The high will only reach 26 today, so the Drive Thru is going to be a cold and painful place for me today.

I will be spending eight hours doling out the imbibeables inside of a virtual icebox.

Brrrrrrrrr.

It’s supposed to get even colder later in the week, which has lead me to a bit of a conundrum.

I’m thinking about growing a full beard. I mean, I have had my goat for a few years, but haven’t had a full beard in ages.

It’s hard to tell from the picture, but I have let more than my goat grow in for a couple of days now.

I’m not used to it; it itches me, but a full beard could offer some protection from the harshness of the bitter cold of January and February in Ohio.

Will I look stupid in it I ask myself.? Will it detract from my dashing good looks? Will people see me as some kind of caveman?

Will anybody even notice and/or give a shit? These are the burning questions on my mind…and on my face.

I don’t know what to do. Should I go all Billy Mays on you all? I need your guidance, folks.

I prayed to the Baby Jeebus over this.

He responded by telling me that facial hair wasn’t his bailiwick, however, he did suggest that I choose a different earring for my next picture.

Jeebus is a hoot.

Well, there you have it. Let me know what you think.

Schmoop has already weighed in on the issue.

She said that if I grow a full beard, less of my face would be showing, and that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

She’s such a bitch so precious. She kids because she loves.

Well my friends, if you have an opinion please pass it along.

If you’d like to tell me that I really need to concern myself with more important things, that’s fine too.

Happy Sabbath to you all.

Cheers!!