Friday, August 27, 2010

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiday and you know what that means…

That’s right, it’s time for another installment of, Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

First up, a Twitter conversation I had with my buddy Average Chick on Thursday morning…

Me: That's what Schmoop says...She tells me I'm the first man she's been with who knows how to use it. She's so kind.

AC: They are hard to find. Very hard to find....

Me: Even harder to find is a 44 yr old chick who can put her legs behind her head. Rowwwrrrrr. Ima gunna put Schmoop and her talent on eBay

AC: I have never been able to do that. Oh how I'd like to!

Me: She can do it well. She's like a contortionist. When she does that, she looks like a rolled up piece of Swiss cheese. Holes everywhere!! Ha!!

AC: Rolled up Swiss cheese? More like a dream girl!

Me: Dream Girl? You don't know how much I like Swiss Cheese. I love it!!

Thursday night at the Beer Mine talking to a hot, Tyra Banks lookin’ babe who just pulled in…

TB: Hi, can I have two 24 ounce Bud Lights?

Me: Sure, do you have an ID?

TB: Ha, you kiddin’ me? (fumbling to get it out of her purse)You’re carding me ‘cause I’m black aren’t ya?

Me: Hee…No, I’m carding you ‘cause you’re hot and I want to find out your name.

TB: (handing me her license) You could have just asked me what my name is, honey.

Me: (looking at license) I’ll remember that…um…Lisa.

TB: Did you get my address too?

Me: Ha…Of course. I’m very thorough.

TB: I bet you are, and you’re pretty damn cute for a white boy.

Me: Thanks and here’s your change, dear.

TB: Maybe next time I’ll give you my number.

Me: Make sure you write it down; my memory sucks.

TB: Ha. I will…bye honey.

Me: Hee Hee…see ya. Rrrrrrowwwwrrrr.

Wednesday morning…an e-mail conversation with Schmoop...

Me: How’s work?

Schmoop: Boring.

Me: Sloppy Joes and Mac n Cheese tonight!!

Schmoop: Mmmmmm, I love it.

Me: Sex tonight?

Schmoop: That sounds dandy!!

Me: I’ll get an injection of penicillin and B-12, and powder my bottom.

Schmoop: Hee Hee.

And there you have it folks. Remember…

Jay and I will be broadcasting our first “official” installment of, I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio this Sunday at 11 AM EDT.

Our topic will be Pet Peeves, so I hope you listen if you have the time. Here’s the link: I’m With Stupid.

Have a Friday and a weekend, chuckleheads.

Cheers!!

19 comments:

David said...

Nice exchange with the faux Tyra Banks...now you know my curiosity - Why are you powdering your bottom before having conjugal relations with Schmoop? I need to know - maybe I have been failing to be properly groomed for my 'relations".

I could understand if you were lubing up for her strap-on but powder....?

Matt-Man said...

David: I don't know, but I'm guessing that your "grooming" habits are the least of your problems when it comes to getting laid. Just sayin'. Cheers David!!

Mike said...

"Sloppy Joes and Mac n Cheese"

Both? Usually it's one or the other around here. I think you're spoiling her.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Hardly...I need to feed her well or she gets cranky. I'm not spoiling her, I'm protecting myself. Cheers Mike!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I thought she was going to say that you are pretty fly, for a white guy.

Scott Oglesby said...

I thought she was going to say that you are pretty fly, for a white guy.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Ha. It's like I'm the white Shaft. Cheers Scott!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

... For me now, Le fromage de Suisse will never be the same...

Charlene said...

A flexible partner in sex is always fun!

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: What? Together, Schmoop and I make a mean version of Matt-Man Cordon Bleu. Cheers P-Man!!

Charlene: Damn right, and she's double-jointed which comes in handy. Cheers Charlene!!

Raquel's World said...

Great Convos this week except for the Swiss Cheese picture that will be in my head all day. I too did love swiss cheese but now I'll never look at it the same. Thanks!

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: Hee...Sorry, but that's what popped into my mind, and really, I do love it so, so it was a compliment. Sorry for the visual, but not really. Cheers Roc!!

Beth said...

You are on sick mofo!!! I like it!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: I'm a disease that you just can't shake. Unfortunately, neither can I. I'm stuck with myself. Oh the horror!! Cheers and Zoooooves Schmoop!!

MysteryChick said...

I'm with David, what's the powder for? I hope I'm not missing out on something.

Luckily I am not a Swiss cheese fan.

Matt-Man said...

Chick: It 's just gives things a smoother, softer feel. Cheers Chick!!

Dana said...

Who could possibly say no to sex when there is Sloppy Joes and Mac n Cheese involved?? Wait! You mean the Sloppy Joes and Mac n Cheese were for dinner??

Average Chick said...

You never cease to amaze me :) I'm still waiting for that swiss cheese btw.....

Joker_SATX said...

ROTFLMAO! Too bad the Tyra Banks chick didn't work out, but look at it as a blessing in disguise. She probably had crabs....