I have a Fantasy Football team in Jay’s League.They suck. Even though I am one of the highest point scoring teams in the league, I have managed to be 1-3 at this point.
In a word, abysmal.
So, I was thinking…How about starting my own Fantasy Football League?
One where the football, instead of “pigskin” is made of cat skin, and will now be called, a “Pussy.”
And…
Where the touchdown, is now referred to as, a “Blowjob.”
In my world, this would be much better…
Just think of the scintillating and titillating commentary we would have while listening to Mayonnaise Mouth John Madden, when the football is now called a “pussy” and the touchdown is now called a “blowjob.”
I can hear Madden saying, “The key to this game comes down to which team controls the line of scrimmage and doesn’t turnover the pussy.”
Of course, weather always plays a factor when playing in the National Pussy League. Madden might speak this gem on some December Sunday when the Colts are playing the Bills in Buffalo…
“Y’know folks, you are going to be seeing Peyton Manning wiping his hands on center, Jeff Saturday’s ass all day, because with this heavy snow that is going to be one, wet pussy. You don’t want to fumble the pussy when it gets snapped.”
Madden would continue...
“If you spend sixty minutes dropping a wet pussy, you aren’t going to score too many blowjobs.”
The kicking game plays a major role in some games…Your views, Mr. Madden?
“When I coached the Raiders, I had the privilege of coaching the greatest punter ever, Ray Guy. He could boot that pussy 80 yards. He could really make that pussy scream when he put his whole foot into it.”
Even the “Red Zone” (when a team is inside the opponent’s 20 yard line) would take on a new meaning. Eh, John?
“The Bengals offense has fumbled seven times this year within the Red Zone. It’s almost as if when they encounter the Red Zone, they want nothing to do with the pussy. That really cuts down on their chances of getting a blowjob.”
I bet a fantastic catch would sound great with these new definitions, eh John?
“Did you see that, folks? Romo threw the pussy from midfield and Terrell Owens caught it on the run, bobbled the pussy twice, pinned it against his face, and then did a forward somersault into the end zone for the most spectacular blowjob I have ever seen...
That’s what pussy is all about, sports fans!!
It's acrobatic blowjobs like that, that remind me why I wanted to get into pussy in the first place.”
I like my idea, but with one MAJOR, non-negotiable caveat…
Thinking of Madden saying this crap is creepy enough, but I DO NOT want my word change applied to the college game, because if I ever hear Brent Musburger utter the words, “pussy” or “blowjob”, I will forever avoid sex.
Have a great Monday, all.
Cheers!!
