Could Ya Throw A Brutha Some Good Karma?

If you listened to I’m With Stupid or read my post this past Sunday, you know one thing for sure…

Matt-Man is in a Karma funk. Allow me to ‘splain…

My computer which has slowly been going to the dogs, has damn near barked its last bite. But, is getting replaced on Thursday.

Nonetheless…

The crashing could not have come at a more inopportune time, and in the meantime...

I will continue to listen to my current computer making a garbled, incoherent, moaning sound that resembles the noise made when Helen Keller had orgasms.

Our phone went to shit and our router box may or may not have gone to shit. Okay, I can get that replaced free.

And dig this…

Last Monday, I was getting ready for work, and a cross that I wear on a chain around my neck, fell off and went into the toilet as I was peeing.

I said to myself…

“Self, this can’t be a good sign, but I must stick my hand into my own urine and save the symbol of the Little Baby Jeebus.”

I did. I parted the Yellow Sea and saved the cross.

And then on my Fantasy football team, I got rid of a running back and picked up a sleeper named Montario Hardesty. This guy is a touchdown machine.

The same day I picked him up, he indeed, during a pre-season game, scored a touchdown, and then later in the game?

He tore his fucking ACL and is out for the season.

And then, I find out that T.J Houshmandzadeh who is one of my starting WR’s gets cut by the Seahawks.

What the Fuck?

So, I pick up a loser castaway WR from the Cowboys in Patrick Crayton. At this point I’m thinking…

“Gee, when is my spectacular QB Matt Schaub announcing that he has converted to Mormonism and will leave the NFL to serve a two year mission in Botswana or Sierra Leone?”

So far, that hasn’t happened, but I expect it anytime now, and if it does happen? I'm going to fuck Glenn Beck in the ass and make it hurt!!

Oy…and then, yesterday, Monday fucking morning…I go out to the kitchen, hit the light switch, and one of the fluorescent lights assplodes.

On top of all this, Schmoop is getting rid of the couch I love, people hate me, and my hemorrhoids are acting up.

I don’t get it…I’m such a nice person. And yet, what do I get for it?

Damn right…Heartache!!

I’m working all day today, so be nice to one and other in my absence.

Maybe if you are nice on my site, the good Karma will osmomatically return to me.

Cheers!!

Bagwine Racial Equality Week: Get Over Yourselves

"Doubts and mistrust are the mere panic of timid imagination, which the steadfast heart will conquer, and the large mind transcend.”

--Helen Keller

For the last few days I have been making fun of blacks, whites, and people of other “colors”.

The results of my posts have been somewhat funny, fascinating…and telling.

I noticed that on Tuesday’s post about black people that I hate, I had many hits but few comments. On Wednesday, when I discussed white people that I hate…?

I had fewer hits than I did the day before, but far more comments…WTF? Are white people afraid to make fun of black assholes, but easily goaded into making fun of white people?

Some of you, and not all of you mind you, are pussies. It’s okay to make fun of blacks as well as whites or any other group.

As long as you are making fun of a person because they are an asshole and its not based upon anything over which they have no control, it’s okay. Trust me, I have been doing it to myself for years.

I stated Tuesday that I hate Chris Rock, but I don’t. I was joking. Chris Rock lives by one rule. He makes fun of whites, blacks, and anyone who is an asshole.

As do I…only he does it better. Anyhoo…it’s okay to make fun of ALL people.

I make fun of Jeebus’ Jewishness. I make fun of my very good Dago friend, Vinny. I make fun of my drunken, Irish self. What’s the big deal?

Some of you white folks need to relax and learn to live without a memory of slave-owning guilt.

Some of you black folks need to realize that most white folks today have no idea what slavery is, nor do they owe you anything for it.

"At the heart of racism is the religious assertion that God made a creative mistake when He brought some people into being”

--Friedrich Otto Hertz

Cheers!!

Oh I forgot...I was gonna list the white chicks I wanna hose...In order to keep it short...Move over Kat, Matty's hoppin' in bed witcha. Boo Yah!!

Before We Have Sex, I Have To Ask...Do You Read Kierkegaard?

My buddy and frequent leading lady of my wet dreams, Dianne, wrote a post about racism the other day.

She was talking about how she hoped that future generations grow up to be “color-blind”.

I, of course, through my comment to her, took the conversation to a higher level by stating my 14 year old son is as bigotry-free as people come.

I added that as part of the proof of my statement was that, much like me, his uber-cool dad, my son finds Tyra Banks, smokin’ hot.

Dianne’s response was that she was glad of that, but hoped that my son would find smart women sexy as well.

If my kid follows in the footsteps of his dad, he will (after his horny teen years) like me, find smart women HAWT.

Okay I know…I want to have sweaty, animalistic sex with Tyra Banks, but her purely physical hold on me is not the norm. No siree…

I love a cute face, a big pair of fun bags, and a spankable ass as much as the next heterosexual guy, but it is intelligence and its derivatives of humor and sarcasm that make my Johnson as stiff as Michael Jackson’s dead body.

So, I thought I would talk about a few women that really turn me on because of their “smarts”. Here we go…

Dolly Parton. She’s pretty and has ginormous melons, but man, the chick is smart. Great songwriter, good actress, and a most astute businesswoman.

I would do anything in order to slip Dolly my Wood and ride her like a rollercoaster from 9 to 5.

Jodie Foster…She’s attractive but, meow…that brain. Mmmmmmm. She’s talented. She speaks fluent French and knows German and Italian and has a B.A. in Literature.

Oh how I’d love to get naked with Jodie and discuss the writings of Gertrude Stein and Oscar Wilde and then eat her lovely lady wallet (Thanks Candice) with a some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

From the world of politics and well, the realm of the dead, I always had the hots for former two time Pakistani Prime Minister, Benazir Bhutto. Mmmmmmm, what a Muslim Muffin, she was.

Educated at Radcliffe, Harvard and a couple of British Universities, she had a keen mind and the courage to face her political adversaries and meet her ultimate demise through assassination in 2007.

The sight of her always made my shish-ka-bob sizzle. I would have loved to strip for her and let her smack me on my ass with a mohair whip as I shrieked about how I had been such an Islama-Bad Boy.

And then there’s this chick…

Holy Cow, she turns me on. You know why?

No, not because of her half nakedness, comely mouth and firm, perfectly shaped tits.

It’s because in this picture, she is reading Søren Kierkegaard’s, Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments.

How do I know she is reading that particular book? ‘Cause I believe it.

There are other chicks I dig because of their smarts, wits, and/or humor…Schmoop, Marie Curie, and Helen Keller. Hey, even deaf blind chicks need lovin’ too.

Of course there are all of you smart and funny women who comment here on Bagwine Ruminations.

You ladies make me horny everyday. And I say to you all, in those timeless words of the wise Chinese sage and philosopher, Confucius…

Me love you long time…

Cheers!!