My Uterus

So here we are back together again on a fucking Monday.

I know Mike...everyday is Saturday to you. At least here in Ohio, we don’t have that freaky arch. Shivers, ick.

How was your weekend? Mine you ask? Well thank you...

It was good. Except…none of my open letters, prayers, or the freaking goat sacrifices were enough to keep Syd from coming to town.

Upon the suggestion of my bestest friend from New York, Dianne, (even though she lives in Jersey, don’t judge, she’s still a Yankees fan.), I have re-named my uterus Ursula.

Anyhoodle, I still had a great weekend. Lots of debauchery, in the form of “I’m With Stupid” on Blog Talk Radio. If you haven’t listened to this show, you’re stupid, and to take a line from Ryno, so’s your FACE.

Lots, and lots of drinking, and a stupid bitch on a motorized scooter at the local Kroger trying her damn best to kill me. 

Why yes, I was drunk at 11:30 Saturday morning doing my shopping. This totally explains that kumquat in the fridge.

Seriously, she just would cut me off, and stare like it was her God given right. Bizarre.

Other than the fact that I woke up on Sunday in desperate need of a Bloody Mary, a good time was had by all. By all, I mean me. That’s all that really matters right? Me. Of course.

I dare you to disagree. Don’t fuck with Ursula. Really, don’t. I tried it once…shudder.

Zooooves!!

Joyce Meyer Is Saving Me...One Tweet at a Time

It’s Friiiiiiiday Chuckleheads, so let’s get with it ‘cause we’re losing an hour of the weekend this…um…weekend.

First up, Jayman and I gave our souls to Jesus last night as we talked about Lent on I’m With Stupid.

It was another award winning show and one which all but secured our places in Heaven.

Marty Martenstein reported live via digital recording from Catholic Ash Wednesday church services.

He took us on a tour of the church’s gift store which not only included rosary beads, but anal beads as well.

Jesus Christ himself reported from my smoke free lungs and also did a bit of stand up. It was first class.

We had a fine crowd of folks in the chat room and in addition to IWS uber-fan Dub-K calling in, so did the uber-lovely Dianne.

And let me tell ya, nobody drops the fuck bomb any sexier than Dianne.

Through it all, Jayman did not cuss, and I did not smoke. So other than reports of some folks having trouble logging in and not being able to listen (thanks BTR), it was all good.

If you missed it, please give it a listen by utilizing the magical, I’m With Stupid archive machine:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

This Lent thing is really coming together and I am getting messages from above that I am already being blessed.

Yesterday morning I was alerted by Twitter that none other than Joyce Meyer is now following me on Twitter.

For those of you who don’t know who she is, she is one of my favorite domestic terrorists God filled televangelists.

I hope our relationship flourishes and blesses us both, Joyce. Let’s spend the day tweeting each other; it’ll be HOT!!

Lastly…I alluded to losing an hour this weekend. That’s because we all need to set our clocks forward an hour when we go to bed Saturday night/Sunday morning.

I never forget, because...

On Sunday morning I like to cure my hangover with a half dozen McMuffins with sausage and cheese and if I were to show up ay McDonalds with my Sunday hangover and discovered they were already serving lunch, I would be pissed.

So there you have it, kids. Enjoy your Friday, your weekend, and rest up, for St Patrick’s Day is just a few days away.

Cheers!!

A Nugget of Good News Would Be Welcome!!

It’s a snowy and windy Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio and in my heart its raining.

How can that be, you ask?

I got a notice from unemployment that there is a problem with my claim. That’s just fucking great.

I didn’t get any unemployment last week because I reported what I made during the week ending December 5th.

I knew that I wouldn’t be getting any because of that, but this morning I see a message from the UE office that say there is a question about my claim in general because of that.

Kill me now and leave my rotting corpse in a snow drift where the stray kittens and curious children can feast upon my remains for three months as my body should be relatively well-preserved through the cold Ohio winter.

You see, my employment ended on November 30th. I filed my claim on December 1 AND reported what I made up to that point for the week ending December 5.

Unfuckingbelieveable…Who knew that reporting income would send them into such a tizzy?

In an email to them this morning, I explained the timelines of my filing and hopefully it will straighten things out and I will receive benefits this week in a timely manner. As I said…

I didn’t expect any last week, but I didn’t realize that reporting my fucking income as I should, would put a wrench into the overall claim.

Pray for me that common sense prevails.

On a happier note…

My son Ryno scored his first ever points as a varsity player for his High School basketball team last night.

While his team was thoroughly crushed by former State Champion, Dayton Christian, he managed to sink three 3-pointers for a total of 9 points.

I was all giddy because when he called me last night I could hear the happiness and excitement in his voice.

So, at least there’s that. Also…

In case you missed it, Thursday night/Friday morning Jayman and I had a rousing Radio-Thon for Ryno on I’m With Stupid.

The guest stars were at the top of their celebrity game; Google phone tried to screw us again, but the celebration and electricity could not be silenced.

Here’s to Dour Mike, Dianne, and Dianne’s new love interest Drive-By Mikey, for calling in and providing scintillating conversation.

You can listen below and re-live the excitement:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Have a wonderful day…I’m going to spend mine fretting about unemployment.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: There's A Tight Ass Loose on Twitter

It’s going to be a cool, breezy Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today.

I will have to wear extra clothes for my 11-7 stint at the Beer Mine today which has one major implication…

If some chick comes through the Mine and wants to get hot with me in the beer cooler, it will take me much longer to strip down and get naked.

So be it. I will build that into my schedule.

Nothing much to report today although I can report that when I arrived home from work last night, I was met with some disturbing news courtesy of Schmoop.

After I came home, popped a beer and shed my pants, Schmoop said unto me…

“I’m back on Twitter. I’m twittering again. I even talked to Dana.”

My joyous response to that announcement..?

“Great. Now I have to cloak my burning, yearning, lust for all the hot babes when I tweet.”

We both chuckled, mainly because we both know that that won’t deter me from hitting on every chick I come across even with Schmoop back in the human stew that is Twitter.

Actually, I am glad she is back. Schmoop needs a hobby…a hobby which doesn’t interfere with her drinking.

Schmoop…plus Drinking…plus Twitter, equals Internets Magic!!

Schmoop did temper the shock of her renewed foray into Twitter by modeling her new uber-soft underwear for me…


Uh-huh…even after 44 years of use and abuse, that is still a nice looking ass. And for those of you with an attention to detail, be informed...

I used Bleu Cheese dressing last night when I tossed her salad.

Also sports fans, Jay and I put another award winning Blog Talk Radio installment of I’m With Stupid into the can on Friday night.

Our Blogger of the Week guest was the incredibly sexy Dianne of Forks Off The Moment, and she was a fantastic guest.

Although she tried to explain it, I still don’t understand the meaning of her blog title. Of course…

Instead of taking my two hour pre-show nap Friday evening I continued to drink so that may have a bearing on my lack of understanding.

Anyhoo, I thank Dianne for appearing and give a big ol’ shout out to all of the incredibly funny people who chimed in on the phone lines.

If you would like to listen to Friday’s show you can do so right c’here:

Amen and Amen…

Have a wonderful rest of the weekend y’all. I’m off to work and then to go see my Ryno.

Cheers!!

I'm With Stupid: Social Networking...Social Media...Social Diseases

It’s Friiiiiiiiday so you know what that means…That’s Right!!

Time for another shameless promotion for tonight’s I’m With Stupid radio show on Blog Talk Radio at 11 PM EST.

Tonight, Jay and I will be discussing the negatives, positives, and the why we all do-it-tives of social networking.

Facebook, Blogger, Twitter will all be vilified and lionized, and we need you to help us out.

Listen to our show and call in with your perspective as to why you use these social engines of the internets and what you like about them and what you don’t.

Also, Jay and I have cooked up some funny Great Moments in Social Networking History spots.

We will have our newly redesigned, yet still unfunny football pick of the week, and…hold on to your britches, bitches…

Tonight’s show will include our maiden venture into the waters of our I’m With Stupid Blogger of the Week.

Jay and I will be interviewing everyone’s favorite Half-Jewish, Half-Shiksa East Coast Liberal, the uber-hot Dianne!!

That’s right. Dianne is the author and proprietor of the website, Forks Off the Moment and tonight on I’m with Stupid at 11 PM EST, Jay and I will be interviewing her.

We will ask her why she blogs…what she blogs about…and most importantly, ask her if she prefers to be on top or bottom when she gets her freak on.

In addition to all of that, we hope as always that Dour Mike and Mrs. Dour Mike call in with an update on their over-the-top lifestyle.

Whoaaaa Nellie…It’s going to be wacky on I’m with Stupid tonight, you chuckleheads, so…

Listen in and call in at 661.244.9852 tonight at 11 PM EST.

To get hooked up with us and our very special guest you can go to our radio show page by clicking

HERE

Hope to see you tonight on the radio, and until then…

Cheers!!

With This Blog I Thee Wed...And Most Likely Divorce Later

Last week something silly yet amusing happened in the blogsophere and in the Twitterhood.

Several folks…Mrs. D, Mandy, and Jay each wrote posts involving celebrities that they would enjoying having as their next husband or wife.

Bagwine buddy, Doc chimed in on Twitter that he should do a similar thing involving “real people”, i.e. people he interacts with on his blog and through Twitter.

After he had the idea, he chickened out. However, after much coercion berating encouragement from Mrs. D and myself, Doc acquiesced and posted a list on Twitter.

He named 10 chicks who would make a great hypothetical second wife.

Of course, I told him that he named 10 so no chicks would be left off, get mad, and kick his ass. But I digress, sorta, and well, anyhoo…

I said what the hell…I’ll limit myself to a mere five bloggers with whom I get all randy and post it today. True to my word, I am doing it now.

I took into consideration, many aspects such as the length of time I have known certain bloggers. Do they make me hot in some way, and plain and simple of course do I like them?

To wit, heretofore, and in no particular order is my list: Matt-Man’s Top Five Picks To Be His Future Ex-Wife…


Mystery Chick: Chick began stopping by about a year ago. Her avatar that she used was a picture of herself wearing glasses. Chicks in glasses make me hot. I don’t know what it is.

MC is amusing, but more than that, she strikes me as sweet and somewhat vulnerable in a “God Damn!! Could Someone Please Allow Me To Unleash My Pent-Up Passion On Them?” kinda way.

On top of that, she has described some great shit she has cooked.

Who wouldn’t want a sweet, kind whore in the bedroom and a chef in the kitchen? When she cooked, I would quickly volunteer to toss her salad.

Dianne: Oh my kindred, sassy, even further left of me politically, Brooklyn accent, Joisey girl. I love her to death and would enjoy being her sex knish.

Di never fails to make me laugh, and I enjoy debating and listening to her talk politics, but it all goes back to the things she says that turn me on.

Di called Schmoop and I Christmas Day. Her son happened to be near her and Schmoop told Di that she thought he was hot. So…

Dianne told her son to take the phone and tell Schmoop, Hi.

He asked her who Schmoop was and Di replied, “She’s the girlfriend of the man your mom wants to have sex with.”

How the hell can you not fall in love with a woman like that? I dig her so.

Desert Rat: Oh my, my Rat. I have talked to her for some time now as well. I love me some Rat. I have plenty of friends I have met over this new fangled blogging thing but none any sweeter than her.

Her heart is completely and utterly well intentioned and she's there whenever one needs a kind word, or thought.

She’s also a scientist which is hot, ‘cause it means she is smart and she is cute, so I guess that means she is a High IQ-utie!!

I would love to say when asked what my wife does, “She’s a scientist, is your wife still pole dancing?”

Another good thing about scientists…They’re into experimentation. Yeah baby, yeah!!

Dana: Dana and I have been interacting for years now and well, what can I say? Never a harsh word or disagreement has befallen us. We’re completely like-minded. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!

Hell, there’s been times that hate and never speaking to one and other was not out of the question.

And yet? We time and time again, overcome that crap and still remain friends who can discuss things on a personal level.

On top of that she has nice tits. I like tits. I wish I had tits. But seriously, as it has been said, “When two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.”

That isn’t the case between Dana and I, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Lastly, but not least, um…leastly?

Marilyn: I was checking things out. Marilyn has been commenting here longer than any regular commenter that graces the pages of Bagwine, and I have always dug her.

Marilyn has a science degree too. What is with me and science geeks? Anyhoo, she makes signs (denoted by the ad on my left sidebar.) I find that incongruent on the surface, but…

It does take detail, and she shows her detail and sense of subtlety and nuance as well when she writes her One Word Impressions.

They are great, and I have a deep affection for anyone who can artfully paint with the written word.

I find subtlety in another area as well. She oft times seems frazzled, but I see a quiet strength in her, and her wit is as fucking funny and as dry as they come. Her humor is arid times ten.

And there you have it…My Top Five Future Ex-Wives.

I apologize for the length of this post, but in all seriousness, it could have been longer because I barely scratched the surface of what I think about these adorable people.

Have a Happy Hump day all, and as always…

Cheers!!

Before We Have Sex, I Have To Ask...Do You Read Kierkegaard?

My buddy and frequent leading lady of my wet dreams, Dianne, wrote a post about racism the other day.

She was talking about how she hoped that future generations grow up to be “color-blind”.

I, of course, through my comment to her, took the conversation to a higher level by stating my 14 year old son is as bigotry-free as people come.

I added that as part of the proof of my statement was that, much like me, his uber-cool dad, my son finds Tyra Banks, smokin’ hot.

Dianne’s response was that she was glad of that, but hoped that my son would find smart women sexy as well.

If my kid follows in the footsteps of his dad, he will (after his horny teen years) like me, find smart women HAWT.

Okay I know…I want to have sweaty, animalistic sex with Tyra Banks, but her purely physical hold on me is not the norm. No siree…

I love a cute face, a big pair of fun bags, and a spankable ass as much as the next heterosexual guy, but it is intelligence and its derivatives of humor and sarcasm that make my Johnson as stiff as Michael Jackson’s dead body.

So, I thought I would talk about a few women that really turn me on because of their “smarts”. Here we go…

Dolly Parton. She’s pretty and has ginormous melons, but man, the chick is smart. Great songwriter, good actress, and a most astute businesswoman.

I would do anything in order to slip Dolly my Wood and ride her like a rollercoaster from 9 to 5.

Jodie Foster…She’s attractive but, meow…that brain. Mmmmmmm. She’s talented. She speaks fluent French and knows German and Italian and has a B.A. in Literature.

Oh how I’d love to get naked with Jodie and discuss the writings of Gertrude Stein and Oscar Wilde and then eat her lovely lady wallet (Thanks Candice) with a some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

From the world of politics and well, the realm of the dead, I always had the hots for former two time Pakistani Prime Minister, Benazir Bhutto. Mmmmmmm, what a Muslim Muffin, she was.

Educated at Radcliffe, Harvard and a couple of British Universities, she had a keen mind and the courage to face her political adversaries and meet her ultimate demise through assassination in 2007.

The sight of her always made my shish-ka-bob sizzle. I would have loved to strip for her and let her smack me on my ass with a mohair whip as I shrieked about how I had been such an Islama-Bad Boy.

And then there’s this chick…

Holy Cow, she turns me on. You know why?

No, not because of her half nakedness, comely mouth and firm, perfectly shaped tits.

It’s because in this picture, she is reading Søren Kierkegaard’s, Concluding Unscientific Postscript to Philosophical Fragments.

How do I know she is reading that particular book? ‘Cause I believe it.

There are other chicks I dig because of their smarts, wits, and/or humor…Schmoop, Marie Curie, and Helen Keller. Hey, even deaf blind chicks need lovin’ too.

Of course there are all of you smart and funny women who comment here on Bagwine Ruminations.

You ladies make me horny everyday. And I say to you all, in those timeless words of the wise Chinese sage and philosopher, Confucius…

Me love you long time…

Cheers!!

Election Day 2008: Where's Norah?

Just as important as the election itself, is the reporting.

Sure, Amy Robach is HAWT, but where the hell is is Norah O'Donnell?

I need some Irish lass ass...

Mmmmmmm, Norah...

Don't forget...check Dianne's Election Day Extravaganza out by clicking HERE.

And for more of my Election Day fun, scroll down, Bitches.

Cheers!!

I've Got an Election Erection!!

This is it. That’s all there is…

There isn’t any more.

It’s go time, Bitches!!

Time to get off of my dead, yet sexy ass, cast my ballot and let my voice be heard. It’s the patriotic thing to do. It’s the right thing to do…

It frickin’ gives me a giant woody. Okay, a serviceable woody, but you get my phallic point. Voting is downright sexy.


When you read this, I may be asleep because I and Schmoop, the sexier half of the Dynamic Bagwine Duo, are getting up at 4:45 A.M. so we can be in line when the polls open at 6:30 A.M.

The entire Election Day, here at Bagwine Ruminations, I am going to be posting on and off all day and night. (With a brief break between 5-9 P.M., to go work for da man.)

Check back often. Drop a comment on your thoughts or voting experiences from today.

My fellow socialist, Marxist, always horny, yet incredibly undersexed liberal buddy, Dianne of Forks Off the Moment will also be posting “live” all day today.

Make sure to click on her name, check her out, and tell her that Matt-Man said, “Hi, Di”

That’s it for now…With any luck, my first early post will be a short video of Schmoop and I at the polling site.

Until then, my Bagwine friends, remember…

Voting is Sexy.

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Bon Apetit

Dianne of Forks Off the Moment, requested awhile back that I do a HNT in the Bagwine Kitchen.

Well, Here it is...

You may ask yourself, "Is that a turkey baster in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?"

Of course I am happy to see you, but yes, it was a baster!!

Sometimes, it gets too HOT in kitchen and I have to step out for a minute...

This is Mr. Happy Hand. Him and I have not only shared cooking great food together, we have spent many a lonely, horny night together.

Say Goodbye, Mr. Happy Hand!!

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday to all!!

I was going to talk about my upcoming camping trip with a famous person tomorrow, but I have changed my mind.

Tomorrow I will be settling this gay marriage issue once and for all.

I have a can't miss solution. So I hope you stop back by on Friday.

Cheers!!