Monday night after work, I came home and opened the cabinet to grab a can of Cream of Potato soup for my meatless dinner.
I heard some giggling coming from behind the can of soup. I initially recoiled from surprise, and then I heard a voice emanating from behind the can say…Matt-Man, you big Mary…Afraid of a can of creamy, condensed spuds, ya girly man?
Who was the source of this voice of antagonism and ridicule?
My pal, Jeebus!!
We high fived each other, exchanged a warm yet manly hug, and then I asked him what the hell he was doing here.
He said that he just needed to get away from his digs in Heaven for awhile. He sounded a bit bummed, so I asked what the problem was.
He told me that new neighbors have moved in on either side of his pad and they are just impossible. I asked him who moved in?
Jeebus hopped atop the can and let loose…Holy Crap, Matt-Man. On one side, Jonah moved in. If I have to listen to his damn fish story one more time, I’m gonna pull my nails out. And the thing is…?
Every…time…he tells…it, his captivity gets longer, and the frickin’ fish gets bigger.
His story has gone from him being inside a 30 foot Marlin for three days and nights, to being swallowed by a 12 ton whale and living inside its belly for damn near six months.
And then he kvetches that even though he survived such a supernatural event, he only gets four damn chapters in the Bible.
Oy Vay, my dear friend, Matt…Oy Vay.
Who’s on the other side, I asked.
Oh Jeez. That would be Lazarus. Not the beggar Lazarus from The Book of Luke, he lives in Section 8 paradise…
I’m talking, Lazarus of Bethany...the one I raised from the dead.He’s always trying to horn in on my action. We had a cookout the other day, and I was grillin’ some brats and talkin’ to some chicks about being the Son of God n’shit…
Well, Lazarus got all pissy and jealous, and chimed in…Well hell, ladies, I was resurrected too; why don’t you all show ME some lovin’.
Boy, Matt-Man…Do I ever regret resurrecting his ungrateful ass. He’s such a shmeckle. But…I’m done now. I feel better. Thanks for letting me vent, my buddy.
I told Jeebus, anytime. But then I asked him a question…
I asked him, “Jeebus? Someone from Joyce Meyer Ministries has been reading my site of late. They were on it again Monday. Are you pulling a fast one me?”
Jeebus laughed, and said…
Ha. I put a divine word into her ear and told Joyce to read Bagwine Ruminations.
I laughed and asked, “Why? Do you think her stopping by and checking my site out will save my soul?”
Jeebus responded…
Ha…Good Lord, No. I was hoping that if Joyce and her cronies read your blog long enough, it would save their sorry, sinning asses.
As we laughed, we high fived once more, and I said to him, “You’re the best, Jeebus.”
And as he dissipated into the night, through his heavenly laughter he said…
Of course I am…I’m Jeebus Christ, Bitch!!
Oh how I love going meatless during Lent.
Cheers!!
Update: Hee Hee. Joyce Meyer is gettin' saved. Praise Jeebus!!
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