Black Like Matt-Man

Well, February is now in full swing. There is a smorgasbord of happenings this month…

Valentine’s Day, birthday celebrations aplenty, and of course, Wednesday the 25th, begins my “3rd Annual 46 Days of Meatless Lent” with the arrival of Ash Wednesday.

However…

February also marks Black History Month. And, by golly, I am going to honor it this year, bitches.

Matt-Man is going to honor those of the Nubian persuasion, and for this month, I am back in black.

I feel a tight connection with the black community because number one, I like Bagwine and malt liquor.

And number two?

I share a birthday with Chris Rock.

What says Black History Month better than a hilarious, raucous, foul mouthed comedian and a bottle of ice cold Colt 45?

Damn straight…nothing. Word to your mutha.

How you ask, will Matt-Man show deference to the black community this month? Let me tell you.

First of all, our cat Corky will, for this month, be called, Paka, which means “cat”.

I like it, plus it will really fuck with her tiny feline mind.

Schmoop, will be known as, Dalmar, which means, “versatile”.

She can do it all, and much like any well-built Bantu babe, she can really chuck my spear.

Instead of Wild Irish Rose and Milwaukee’s Best Light, this month I will drink Thunderbird and 40’s of King Cobra.

My smoke of choice, Basic Full Flavor, will be replaced by the inhalation of Newport 100’s and the occasional Black and Mild.

Boo Yah, Bitches. Oops, I mean, Boo Yah, Hoes!!

The only music I will listen to this month will be CDs by Donna Summer, Toni Braxton, Chaka Khan, and Sheila E.

Not so much because of their music but, Holy Al Green, can you imagine being the meat in that dark rye Club Sandwich? I think I just came!!

Speaking of Club Sandwiches...

I am going to go cold turkey on meth, and switch to smoking crack.

Yeah, it’s Black History Month muthafuckahs, and I am gonna participate.

Seriously, if you get the chance…this month you may be able to catch two of my fave movies airing on cable outlets such as AMC.

Mississippi Burning starring Willem Defoe and Gene Hackman as well as Ghosts of Mississippi starring Alec Baldwin and Whoopi Goldberg.

Both are really good flicks about the struggles of African-Americans during the 60's.

If you can’t catch those, do what I do everyday.

Tune into the Tyra Banks show.

And, if you really wanna celebrate Black History Month, watch the Tyra show the same way that I do…

Naked!!

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: I Feel Like Singin' A Negro Spiritual

It’s a Sabbath that is being greeted with snow showers and cold temps here in Bagwine, Ohio today.

Working the beer dock from 11-7 today is going to be a frigid adventure.

But as always, especially on Sundays, I consider my job to be doing God’s work.

Praise the Lord, and gimme two 40's of King Cobra and Newport 100's in a box, Matt-Man. I feel like singin'!!

Amen…

Instead of discussing the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit today, I’d like to talk about a different type of Holy Trinity.

Holy Cow!! MLK Day is tomorrow. The inaugural of the country’s first black Prez takes place Tuesday, and February kicks off Black History Month.

Talk about your trifecta of brutha and sistah-hood.

The culmination of this Afro-Centric triduum is bootylicious, ghettolicious, and Dyn-O-Mite.

I'm taking tomorrow off so I can join in the festivities.

Okay, I’m really taking off tomorrow because Pizza Bill needed to trade his Thursday for my Monday this week.

Nonetheless…

I am off for MLK Day and will be reflecting on the journey and struggles that have been endured by the African-American members of our national community.

I will spend the morning surfing the net trying to find naked pictures of Tyra Banks, Toni Braxton, and Vivica A. Fox.

I touched (i.e. shook the hand of) Ms. Fox in 2002 while in Detroit. I melted.

Later that day, I jacked off with said hand that touched the uber hot Vivica.

Ironically, when I met Mizz Fox, I was in Detroit working on the mayoral campaign of Kwame Kilpatrick. I was workin’ the Motor City hoods for the K-Man.

He won…of course last year, he left office in disgrace due to indictments of perjury and conspiracy, as well as charges of adultery.

I think that illustrates the reasons why I worked for him…Kwame is my kind of guy!!

My son has no school tomorrow, so I may take him out to lunch for some ethnic soul food cuisine.

I do after all, have a gift card for Appleby’s. Eatin’ Good in da Hood!!

Anyhoo…I hope you spend your Sabbath thinking about the history of your African-American brothers and sisters.

Not only is this time a chance to learn more about their history, but it will also make you much cooler.

How, you ask?

Well, with all of these big events taking place at the same time, one thing is quite evident…

Black is the new Black…Amen.

Cheers!!