Black Like Me and Ho Ho Ho

Yes, I don’t care how my numbers get crushed along with my soul…I need to pimp our show!!

Tonight on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio at 11 PM EST, Jay and myself will be getting jiggy wif it.

Did you pick up on my ghetto/negro talk?

Yeah, I said negro…What?

Got a problem with that, Mr. or Mrs. “I Feel Guilty About Being a White Person Who Enslaved Black People and Killed the Indians” Motherfucker?

I didn’t fuckin’ think so…

In fact, I hate the word, “negro”…not because it’s bad socially, but it’s just an ugly sounding word. I prefer to call them “blacks”.

And on I'm With Stupid tonight at 11 PM EST we will do just that because…

Jayman and I will be talking about the Sun Bowl where the U of M plays Notre Dame. Samuel L. Jackson will be chiming in, and I will profess my love for Tyra Banks…or something.

It’s gonna be unscripted, and it’s gonna be black. Hell…

They have the month of February why not give them part of December? Oh that’s right, they already have part of December with Kwaanza!!

Sneaky bastards…and I thought it was the Yellow Devils and their Chinese New Year who were so damn clever.

Anyhoo…

Tune into I’m With Stupid tonight at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio and listen, laugh, and call-in.

Itsa gonna be a good time. You can access our show page by clicking HERE.

Cheers!!

Black History Month: Black Like Matt-Man

February may not be the warmest month of the year but it certainly is action packed.

We just had Groundhog Day. This Sunday is the Super Bowl and the birthday of yours truly. Also this month, we have Valentine’s Day, Mardi Gras, President’s Day, and…

On the 17th, Ash Wednesday kicks off Lent along with my 46 day long Breadless Journey for Jeebus, but there’s another big event going on this month.

It’s Black History Month, and Matt-Man is all over that like ebony on a Sri Lankan wood carving. Boo Yah and Word, Bitches.

My hometown of Bagwine, Ohio is rich and well-represented in the area of black history and culture.

Former World Featherweight boxing champion Davey Moore was a resident. Johnny Lytle, one of the greatest vibe players ever was a Bagwiner, as is current multi-Grammy winning recording artist John Legend.

But…

There’s a guy I grew up with who has made an enormous and lasting impact upon African-American culture and we to this day, remain close friends.

All through junior high and high school, one of my very best friends was a guy named Van Camp Jones, or as I call him, “Beans”.

We were close. I was close with his sister, Edwina as well. Their parents called her, Weenie. All through those glorious times, it was me, and Beans and Weenie.

We were like a tight knit Minstrel Show act, however the only black face I wore was when I was having sex with Weenie. Nothin’ like havin’ some hot weenie on Weenie action, but I digress.

Back to my original point and the significance of Van Camp Jones in black culture.

After High School, Beans got a job working at the local landfill in Bagwine. It was a good job. He inspected what people were bringing in to make sure nothing toxic got through.

It was during his tenure there some 26 years ago, that Beans would spontaneously originate a phrase that to this day remains a staple of the black and urban lexicon.

One Friday evening right before the dump closed for the day, a huge chick pulled up to the entrance. She was driving a big ol’ Electra 225 with the ass end of it straight up and wide open exposing the ton of old furniture and trash that was contained inside.

Beans stopped her at the gate.

The massive woman got out of her car, thunderously waddled over to Beans and said, “Tell me where to go to dump all of this old furniture n’ shit.”

Beans replied, “You ain’t dumpin’ all of that here today, ma’am. We’s gettin’ ready to close.” The corpuscular woman jumped up and down, and screamed…

“Why the hell won’t you take my trash?”

Beans, shouting in order to be heard over the quaking ground said,

“Cuz…there ain’t enough time today. You gots too much junk in your trunk, Bitch!!”

The infuriated woman drove away, but not before the urban phrase, “junk in your trunk” had been born.

To this day, Beans wishes he had known what he had set in motion, for he often thinks how grand his life would be today had he copyrighted that phrase some 26 years ago.

But it’s okay. We're still a two man posse. He even calls me his favorite nigga.

In fact, since I am off today,Beans and I are going to kick-off Black History Month together later this afternoon.

He and I are going to drink some Wild Irish Rose and watch the Tyra Banks Show with the sound turned down as we listen to my collection of Rick James CDs.

As for his sister Edwina? She’s still around too. She opened a restaurant near Bagwine that serves nothing but variations of hot dogs. It’s called, “Just Weenies”.

Yeah, I know.

Here’s to Black History Month, Bitches. Have a wonderful Wednesday.

Cheers!!

Black Like Matt-Man

Well, February is now in full swing. There is a smorgasbord of happenings this month…

Valentine’s Day, birthday celebrations aplenty, and of course, Wednesday the 25th, begins my “3rd Annual 46 Days of Meatless Lent” with the arrival of Ash Wednesday.

However…

February also marks Black History Month. And, by golly, I am going to honor it this year, bitches.

Matt-Man is going to honor those of the Nubian persuasion, and for this month, I am back in black.

I feel a tight connection with the black community because number one, I like Bagwine and malt liquor.

And number two?

I share a birthday with Chris Rock.

What says Black History Month better than a hilarious, raucous, foul mouthed comedian and a bottle of ice cold Colt 45?

Damn straight…nothing. Word to your mutha.

How you ask, will Matt-Man show deference to the black community this month? Let me tell you.

First of all, our cat Corky will, for this month, be called, Paka, which means “cat”.

I like it, plus it will really fuck with her tiny feline mind.

Schmoop, will be known as, Dalmar, which means, “versatile”.

She can do it all, and much like any well-built Bantu babe, she can really chuck my spear.

Instead of Wild Irish Rose and Milwaukee’s Best Light, this month I will drink Thunderbird and 40’s of King Cobra.

My smoke of choice, Basic Full Flavor, will be replaced by the inhalation of Newport 100’s and the occasional Black and Mild.

Boo Yah, Bitches. Oops, I mean, Boo Yah, Hoes!!

The only music I will listen to this month will be CDs by Donna Summer, Toni Braxton, Chaka Khan, and Sheila E.

Not so much because of their music but, Holy Al Green, can you imagine being the meat in that dark rye Club Sandwich? I think I just came!!

Speaking of Club Sandwiches...

I am going to go cold turkey on meth, and switch to smoking crack.

Yeah, it’s Black History Month muthafuckahs, and I am gonna participate.

Seriously, if you get the chance…this month you may be able to catch two of my fave movies airing on cable outlets such as AMC.

Mississippi Burning starring Willem Defoe and Gene Hackman as well as Ghosts of Mississippi starring Alec Baldwin and Whoopi Goldberg.

Both are really good flicks about the struggles of African-Americans during the 60's.

If you can’t catch those, do what I do everyday.

Tune into the Tyra Banks show.

And, if you really wanna celebrate Black History Month, watch the Tyra show the same way that I do…

Naked!!

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: I Feel Like Singin' A Negro Spiritual

It’s a Sabbath that is being greeted with snow showers and cold temps here in Bagwine, Ohio today.

Working the beer dock from 11-7 today is going to be a frigid adventure.

But as always, especially on Sundays, I consider my job to be doing God’s work.

Praise the Lord, and gimme two 40's of King Cobra and Newport 100's in a box, Matt-Man. I feel like singin'!!

Amen…

Instead of discussing the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit today, I’d like to talk about a different type of Holy Trinity.

Holy Cow!! MLK Day is tomorrow. The inaugural of the country’s first black Prez takes place Tuesday, and February kicks off Black History Month.

Talk about your trifecta of brutha and sistah-hood.

The culmination of this Afro-Centric triduum is bootylicious, ghettolicious, and Dyn-O-Mite.

I'm taking tomorrow off so I can join in the festivities.

Okay, I’m really taking off tomorrow because Pizza Bill needed to trade his Thursday for my Monday this week.

Nonetheless…

I am off for MLK Day and will be reflecting on the journey and struggles that have been endured by the African-American members of our national community.

I will spend the morning surfing the net trying to find naked pictures of Tyra Banks, Toni Braxton, and Vivica A. Fox.

I touched (i.e. shook the hand of) Ms. Fox in 2002 while in Detroit. I melted.

Later that day, I jacked off with said hand that touched the uber hot Vivica.

Ironically, when I met Mizz Fox, I was in Detroit working on the mayoral campaign of Kwame Kilpatrick. I was workin’ the Motor City hoods for the K-Man.

He won…of course last year, he left office in disgrace due to indictments of perjury and conspiracy, as well as charges of adultery.

I think that illustrates the reasons why I worked for him…Kwame is my kind of guy!!

My son has no school tomorrow, so I may take him out to lunch for some ethnic soul food cuisine.

I do after all, have a gift card for Appleby’s. Eatin’ Good in da Hood!!

Anyhoo…I hope you spend your Sabbath thinking about the history of your African-American brothers and sisters.

Not only is this time a chance to learn more about their history, but it will also make you much cooler.

How, you ask?

Well, with all of these big events taking place at the same time, one thing is quite evident…

Black is the new Black…Amen.

Cheers!!