Bagwine Racial Equality Week: African-Americans

Unknown to you, I have deemed this Racial Equality Week here at Bagwine Ruminations.

I try to treat all groups of people equally be they white, black, injun, or, whatever kind of funny eyes, name, and skin color some folks may have.

So to wit, and heretofore, let’s get right to our first installment of Bagwine Racial Equality Week (BREW) by honoring some well-known African-Americans with the following entry titled…

Black People I Hate

Whoopi Goldberg: Oh Dear God!! She irritates me to no end. Whenever I see her on TV I want to poke my eyes out with hot fried chicken legs and shove a ripe watermelon up ass. Trust me, it would feel better than listening to her when she is in her socio-political, professorial mode.

Listen people, she’s an actress not some expert cultural guru. Just because she talks slowly and directly, looks at people over the top of her glasses, and has dreadlocks, does not a genius make her. I loathe her.

Rev. Al Sharpton: I have said much about him over the years on BR. He’s nothing more than a pimp and a race baiting snake oil salesman. He as much a man of God as Condaleeza Rice is an example of fine dental work.

Chris Rock: He and I share the common bond of being born on February 7th a mere year apart, but I hate him nonetheless. Why? He’s funnier than I am…I hate that.

Jackie Robinson: Big Time Baseball player Jackie felt that the Negro League wasn’t good enough for him. Nooooo. He just had to get all uppity and become the first black guy to play White Major League Baseball. Thanks alot for upsetting the white apple cart and stocking it with black-eyed peas and collard greens, pal.


Cliff and Claire Huxtable: Yeah I know, they’re just TV show characters but I not only hate them, I find them dangerous. Sure, it’s find to suspend one’s belief when watching TV, but c’mon…A married black couple who are a lawyer and a doctor?…None of their kids are on crack, pregnant, or in prison? Ha. I don’t fucking think so.

The Huxtables give unrealistic expectations to black people everywhere. It’s like a white kid growing up in Bagwine, Ohio thinking he can become a meth dealer, marry and raise a family with some chick who is a cocaine dealer. Good fortune just doesn’t fall like that, my precocious ones.

And there my friends, are but a few of the Black People I Hate. If you were expecting to see Michael Jackson on the list, don’t worry…

I may be talking about him tomorrow when I continue BREW with my, “White People I Hate” post.

Until then…Don’t confine your hate to only one race folks…spread it around to all. To confine it to say, black people, would be so damn niggardly of you.

Cheers!!

Black Like Matt-Man

Well, February is now in full swing. There is a smorgasbord of happenings this month…

Valentine’s Day, birthday celebrations aplenty, and of course, Wednesday the 25th, begins my “3rd Annual 46 Days of Meatless Lent” with the arrival of Ash Wednesday.

However…

February also marks Black History Month. And, by golly, I am going to honor it this year, bitches.

Matt-Man is going to honor those of the Nubian persuasion, and for this month, I am back in black.

I feel a tight connection with the black community because number one, I like Bagwine and malt liquor.

And number two?

I share a birthday with Chris Rock.

What says Black History Month better than a hilarious, raucous, foul mouthed comedian and a bottle of ice cold Colt 45?

Damn straight…nothing. Word to your mutha.

How you ask, will Matt-Man show deference to the black community this month? Let me tell you.

First of all, our cat Corky will, for this month, be called, Paka, which means “cat”.

I like it, plus it will really fuck with her tiny feline mind.

Schmoop, will be known as, Dalmar, which means, “versatile”.

She can do it all, and much like any well-built Bantu babe, she can really chuck my spear.

Instead of Wild Irish Rose and Milwaukee’s Best Light, this month I will drink Thunderbird and 40’s of King Cobra.

My smoke of choice, Basic Full Flavor, will be replaced by the inhalation of Newport 100’s and the occasional Black and Mild.

Boo Yah, Bitches. Oops, I mean, Boo Yah, Hoes!!

The only music I will listen to this month will be CDs by Donna Summer, Toni Braxton, Chaka Khan, and Sheila E.

Not so much because of their music but, Holy Al Green, can you imagine being the meat in that dark rye Club Sandwich? I think I just came!!

Speaking of Club Sandwiches...

I am going to go cold turkey on meth, and switch to smoking crack.

Yeah, it’s Black History Month muthafuckahs, and I am gonna participate.

Seriously, if you get the chance…this month you may be able to catch two of my fave movies airing on cable outlets such as AMC.

Mississippi Burning starring Willem Defoe and Gene Hackman as well as Ghosts of Mississippi starring Alec Baldwin and Whoopi Goldberg.

Both are really good flicks about the struggles of African-Americans during the 60's.

If you can’t catch those, do what I do everyday.

Tune into the Tyra Banks show.

And, if you really wanna celebrate Black History Month, watch the Tyra show the same way that I do…

Naked!!

Cheers!!