Lent 2011: I Am Leaving My Walk Through The Wilderness Up To You

Every year at this time, I begin to think about something…

What should I give up for Lent?

This year, Lent begins relatively late (March 9th), but I have already begun to think about what 46 day quest of sacrifice and ultimate glory that I shall traverse this year.

In the past I have given up meat, and last year I gave up all forms of bread and pasta.

My willpower is such, that neither of those abstinences provide anything more than mere discomfort.

So…this year? I am setting my sights higher, and want to have a real challenge. I am asking you to help me.

Do you have any ideas as to what I should give up between Ash Wednesday and Easter Morning in order to test my holy mettle?

I have a few ideas…

I could give up meat (as I have done before).

I could give up bread/pasta (as I have done before).

Or…

I could give up one of the following:

Alcohol…That would be tough, especially since I live with a bitter, heathen woman.

Cigarettes…That would be even tougher. Oh Dear God, I do love my Marlboro Lights.

Sex…Ha…Just never mind that idea. I may live with a bitter, heathen woman, but damn…she’s hot!!

NOS/Energy Drinks…You may not see this as difficult, but trust me…NOS is my crack.

Cussing…Either in spoken or written form, this would probably be the most difficult in comparison to all of the aforementioned suggestions.

Blogging…That would be rough, and what fun would it be if I couldn’t post abut how fucking crazy I was going!?

So, those are some suggestions. Let me know what you think, or if you have something else in mind with which to torture me during the 46 days of Lent, lay it on me.

I’ll be home all day on this introspective Monday, so let me know what ya think.

Yours in Christ, and as always…

Cheers!!

Hump Day Name Game

I haven’t done this in ages and many newer Bagwine readers may not be aware of something that my brother Marte’ and I do often.

It’s called the name game and it brings out the twelve year old in both of us, and…it can be quite annoying.

Now, it’s not like the, “Jack, Jack Bo-Back…Banana-fana Fo-fack” Name Game song. It is an exercise in fun using famous names.

For instance, one can say, Does Bob Hope? Is Al Green? Was Huey Long? Does Bill O’Reilly? You get the idea.

Marte’ once sent me an e-mail with a subject line that read: “Is Emily Post-Menopausal?”

Juvenile, perhaps, but I laughed my ass off. Contained in his message, along with some rant about how this big gray squirrel in his backyard was telling him to kill the Pope, my brother asked, “Where Did Henry Cabot Lodge?”

I laughed again, and then pondered the question. After a moment I replied back to him, “He probably stayed at the, Oliver Wendell Holmes.” Oh, how I crack myself up.

Another good one that my brother came up with was, Did Henry David Thoreau to Second?

Others that come to mind are: Did Cyndi Lauper Head Off? Why was Richard Nixon all of their ideas?…and, What did Harriet Beecher Stowe in her footlocker?

The best thing about this, is that if you do this continually while out drinking with friends, it becomes highly annoying.

My brother and I did this a few years back while out with some folks including my brother Vince.

Now Vince, became extremely pissed off as my bro and I rattled off such things as: What did Cary Grant? Is Elizabeth Barrett Browning the sausage? Did Bob Dole out Viagra?

As we rattled on precipitously, Vince’s face became the hue and consistency of a rotting plum.

As the vein in his face swelled to the size of pregnant fire hose, we continued the moniker onslaught in spite of our tears of laughter, finally offering up a critical blow, “Did George McGovern the Hamburglar?”

Vince stood up upon his wobbly, hops and barley soaked legs and screamed, “God Damn It, Stop It!! Both of you SHUT UP…Jeez, you stupid motherfuckers!!”

This of course led to more laughter on our part, that air grasping, beer spewing, “I don’t think I’m going to live” type of laughter.

Vince insisted on being taken home after I, through my oxygen starved body managed in staccato to say: Is Oscar Wilde?

So there you have it, fun and annoyance with famous names. Try it yourself, just remember…

There can be no words within the name. They have to be either before the name and/or after.

Happy Hump Day, and…

One very important thing before I go.

My buddy Lu directed an incredible act of kindness toward me yesterday. While I have come to expect nothing but utter thoughtfulness from her, this act was unexpected and incredibly sweet.

I feel the need to say thanks to her and let her know that she has been my friend for some time now, and a friend of mine she will forever remain.

Thanks Lu. In this oft times chaotic and not so nice world, your goodness is one of the few constants.

Cheers!!

Plugging Along With Pain

If you read yesterday's Bagwine post by the lovable Schmoop, you know that I am dealing with some type of right lung thing that is incredibly painful.

It really hurts when I bend, breathe deeply, and when I sit. That is why it is very hard to do anything at the computer. I can only sit a few minutes at a time.

Because of that, a writing deadline that comes Wednesday, and work, I will be around only sparsely until my day off on Thursday.

Until then, I will do some re-runs...Today's involves my longtime buddy, Joe. Or as some of you ancient Bagwine readers may know him as, Joe Hair Care.

As today is Joe's 45th birthday, I thought I would repost the following story about a couple of the fun times Joe and I shared at Bowling Green State University. Enjoy...

Hair Care Joe and I were near the end of the semester at BGSU. For most, the end of the semester is a time for focus, forethought, and finals.

For me…not so much. I worked very hard at enjoying the ENTIRE college experience, not just the drudgery of academia. It was, in my opinion, time to party.

Sure, there had been partying throughout the semester. The best outings were when we would go to a party off-campus at someone’s house or apartment, and the host had no clue who the hell we were.

We, of course had a right to be there, because of the obligatory, “Friend of a Friend of a Friend Party Law”.

Beer Bongs were big back then, and I became quite good at handling the receiving end of one. After a few of those, the fun would get underway.

We found it hilarious to pick up the host’s camera that was sitting on the kitchen table and proceed to take pictures of ourselves.

When said host had the film developed, he or she would have no idea who the hell the people in the pictures were.

One of our crew had a penchant for pilfering women’s nightgowns and dresses from their closets and wore them on Sundays as we watched football. He would always say, “They just feel right.”

This is the same guy who was hauled into the back of a paddy wagon during the busting up of a party.

You see, one night we were at a party that evidently drew noise complaints from the neighbors. When the cops arrived, our cohort in question was standing on the front porch with a good buzz going on.

He stated quite loudly, “Holy Crap, look at all the pigs!!” Just then, an officer emerged from the bushes and grabbed him by the arm and proceeded to escort him to the van.

Although drunk, our friend kept his quick wits about himself, and said, “C’mon occifer, I was talking about the women.”

He was ticketed for public drunkenness, and dropped off at Doyt L. Perry Stadium, better known in Bowling Green circles as “BFE”.

Now, allow me to get back to the semester ending blow out that Hair Care and I had. Joe seemed to be stressed of late, so I decided to ease his anxiety by showing him a Friday night of fun.

I asked him if he wanted to tie one on, and after threatening to mess his hair up, he graciously acquiesced.

We started by drinking some beer and Champagne Velvet in our room, while we listened to a Flock of Seagulls crank out “Space Age Love Song” through my crappy stereo.

Our buddies Paul and Webb stopped by to imbibe with us. Good Times…Good Times.

With a nice state of inebriation developing, we proceeded to McDonald’s to prepare our stomachs for the forthcoming assault upon their linings.

After Joe ordered his food, I said to him, “Your money is no good tonight. I’m buying.”

I paid. We ate. We then rambled down to the bar district.

We hit every stinkin’ bar in the city. We drank pitchers here, pitchers there, with shots of 151 everywhere. Good Lord, Nero would have been proud of the way we debauched ourselves and an entire community.

Neither of us remembered how or when we got back to our dorm room, but it was evident the next morning that we had made it.

After shaking the grain fed fog from our heads, Joe said to me, “Man, that was a great time Matt. Thanks a lot.”

I said, "Aw Joe, you don’t have to thank me.”

With a look of appreciation upon his face, he replied, “I sure as hell do have to thank you. You bought the beer, bought my Big Mac, and paid for all of the drinks at the bar. Hell, you never have money. How did you manage that?”

I smiled, grabbed my towel, and as I walked by him on my way to the shower, I told him, “I sold your textbooks.”

Happy Birthday Joe!!

And to those of you who shall be nameless, who yesterday were excited to find that Schmoop would be seen more during my illness? Here's a picture of the uber-lovely Schmoop that demonstrates her flexibility...


I hope you enjoy the picture...and then I hope you choke on it, you traitorous bastards, you!!

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Making The Right Choice In Spite of One's Self

It’s going to be a cool and overcast Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio.

So I won’t be working up much of a sweat as I work the beer mines from 11-7 today.

After my shift of selling hops and barley to the masses, I’m off to see Ryno and help him with his Algebra for a few minutes.

(I took that picture of Ryno yesterday. The loveable little shit is growing up fast, isn’t he?)

Once our tutoring is complete, I will head back here to the Bagwine digs and do what I do every Sunday evening…

Refect on the past week’s events and converse with the Holy Baby Jeebus in hopes of making me a better person and the week ahead better than the last.

Oh, and I’ll drink a few beers as well.

Speaking of drinking beer…I would have typed this post last night but damn…

Twenty seconds into typing last night, what I was typing appeared to me to be written in Sanskrit. Ohhhh Baby, I was more than a bit buzzed.

So, I aborted my publishing attempt and turned my thoughts to having hot sex with Schmoop. This was not to be either, because I don’t think I could have even found her hoo-ha.

So, we ate hot dogs and baked beans and went to bed. Even in my haze, I managed to choose the appropriate course of action.

Amen, and Amen…

On a related beer drinking note…Saturday’s festivities yielded a couple of happy accidents.

First of all, I talked to Little Bill. He is another employee of Drive-By Mikey’s beer mine. I rarely mention Little Bill because I rarely see him as he only works there on my days off.

However, I stopped in to pick up my party supplies from him yesterday. We chatted for a few when he told me a humorous story.

He was more than happy to appear on the Bagwine Cam and relate to you that story about a “brilliant” customer that he waited on last week. Enjoy…

Thanks much Little Bill…We’ll definitely have you back on Bagwine in the near future. How could we not?

The other happy accident? While swilling beer with Schmoop and her brother Dave, Dave per usual, came up with a few truly rude one liners that had us cracking up.

It was apparent to me, and my ability to shamelessly exploit others, that his talent could no longer be confined to the Bagwine abode.

So folks…beginning this Friday and every Friday thereafter, Bagwine Ruminations will be presenting Dave’s pearls of wisdom to the masses.

Just think…

Schmoop on Thursday and her brother on Friday. I’m sure that their 85 year old mom is incredibly proud of them. Or not.

Have a wonderful Sunday, all.

Cheers!!