Mexican Ice

Happy Hump Day, you lovable perverts, you.

I don’t have a whole lot for you today because I have been doing show prep* for the test show that Jay-Man and I will be doing on Blog Talk Radio at 11:30 A.M. (EDT) today.

I do have a brief report and pictures of an incident that took place at the Beer Mine on Monday afternoon.

If you know about the Beer Mine, you know that it is manned by Pizza Bill, Little Bill, myself, and our fearless owner, Drive-By Mikey.

But…

Others contribute to the success of the establishment as well.

Awhile back, I mentioned our Mexican ice delivery guy, Luis. Like clockwork, Luis shows up every Monday afternoon between three and four.

The last three weeks though, we have had a substitute driver. The sub said that Luis was temporarily working another route.

Drive-By Mikey and I however, thought perhaps that Luis went to Arizona on vacation, left his papers back in Ohio, and in spite of his citizenship, had been deported.

Fortunately, that was not the case. Luis showed up to our wind tunnel of alcoholic love on Monday afternoon and to welcome him back, I took some pictures…

This is the always affable Luis…

This the back of Luis’ truck when he backed in to load our ice machine…

Unbeknownst to Luis, this is what the back of Luis’ truck looked like when he drove off…

Ha…Luis’ next stop was ten minutes away from The Beer Mine. Needless to say, ten minutes and thirty seconds later, Mikey got a call from Luis.

It was filled with laughter, and expletives in both English and Spanish. And, the conversation included Luis saying to Mike:

“You guys suck. I wondered why the hell drivers were passing me, and fucking looking at me funny.”

Here’s to having Luis’ and his questionable looking papers being back at The Beer Mine. And to make up for the prank, I play this in his honor…

Happy Hump Day, All.

Cheers!!

*By show prep, I mean that I have been drinking quite a bit as I check out our Blog Talk Radio page saying to myself…

“Hey this is neat.” “What’s this do?” “What will we talk about?” “Oh Dear God, what hath Jay wrought?”

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Father's Day

On this Father’s Day Sabbath, it’s going to be a hot one just like it was yesterday, although…

I hope Billy the Kid has a better cleavage viewing day at the Beer Mine than I did yesterday. My much anticipated cleavage shot day turned out to be a bust.

Anyhoo…

Praise the Holy Baby Jeebus and especially his daddy, Supernatural-G…for it is Father’s Day, and the congregation said, Amen…and Amen.

I dug my dad. He was a funny guy, a hard worker, and with nine kids, a bit of a grump at times, but eh, who wouldn’t be?

He’s been gone quite awhile. I may swing out to his and mom’s gravesites and say, hey. Maybe I’ll take em’ both a beer.

This morning I am going over to see the reason that I get to celebrate Father’s Day, my nearly 16 year old son, Ryno.

Good ol’ Ryno. Size 15 feet and an ego to match. And…the little shit is now a shade taller than I am. He is reveling in that.

He is funny, smart, dedicated to basketball, sensitive to others, and loving.

Other than his attention to his school work, or lack thereof, I wouldn’t change a damn thing about him.

He’s a wonderful son…


And an even better daughter…

After I spend some time with Ryno, I shall return to the Bagwine digs, quaff more than a few beers, cook, and color Schmoop’s hair.

We’re trying a different color this time. Instead of Intense Auburn, we are going with Brown Black. It should be interesting…yeah, I’m gay, but only slightly.

After the hair coloring is done, Schmoop and I are going to have hot, sweaty, Father’s Day role playing sex.

I can’t decide whether to go with the Lot and one of his daughters scenario, or Papa John and Mackenzie Phillips.

Either way, I’ll be doing some serious ball slammin’, as I yell, “Who's your Daddy?” Of course…

Since I just typed that out loud, there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that I am getting laid today.

Larry King would have a better chance of having sex with Schmoop after those remarks.

Be that as it may…To all of you father’s out there…Happy Father’s Day, and tell your mistress or mistresses not to fret.

It’s only one day a year…you can resume your adulterous bangin’ come Monday.

Amen, and Amen.

Cheers!!

Blake Lively Naked and Quick Draw Billy

What a beautiful day it is going to be. Sure another long 10-9 shift, but there is a spring in my step and a song in my heart.

As I did on Monday, I am going to walk to work again today. It just kinda gets my personal pep level up.

However since Monday was a long one and Tuesday is as well, I shall be brief.

Do you know what today is? Well, let me tell you…

Today on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations marks my 1,500th post since I cracked open a bottle of Wild Irish Rose and began pouring it all over the internets.

Damn right. 1,500 posts. Who knew I had so many words in me? Well, Schmoop has always has known that and oft times tells me to shut the fuck up for once, but well, I can’t.

Anyhoo…In order to celebrate such a milestone, I figured I would post a picture of the lovely Blake Lively naked…

I know what you’re saying, but trust me, in my mind she is completely naked and is riding me like a cowgirl. Giddy Up, Blake, Giddy Up!!

But alas, I must be off to work, and…oh…speaking of work; I finally got a picture of the fourth worker at the Beer Mine, Little Bill:

Little Bill works all day Sunday, and sometimes we wonder how he manages to do even that. We think he has a drug problem, the problem being he isn't taking any and probably should.

Isn’t he a pleasant looking fellow, but wait just a minute. Let’s expand the photo of this friendly looking guy:

What the…? He’s holding a fully loaded 9mm pistol!! Say hello to his little friend, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Drive-By Mikey and I were discussing this at work on Monday, and came to the same conclusion and I’m sure Pizza Bill would agree with us...

While we are all for the right to bear arms, some people just shouldn’t be allowed to have a gun, and Little Bill is definitely on that list.

With that, I want to thank all of you for stopping by now and then to partake of some Bagwine with me lo these many posts.

I plan on keeping it going provided I don’t assidently get shot by Quick Draw Billy.

Have a wonderful day everyone, and of course…

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Gold, Matt-Man, Gold!!

It’s going to be a wet Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today.

My 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine will be filled with plenty of squeegee action in between customers.

Speaking of the Beer Mine…I was thinking about my comedy act and I thought...

“Ya know, I could do a half hour or so just on the people I work with and not have to make anything up.”

Take our fearless and intrepid owner, Drive-By Mikey…

No, he’s not sleeping. He’s thinking. We never know what he is thinking about. We don’t want to know, because we’re certain whatever he’s thinking about is dark and disturbing.

Mikey has never made a mistake in his life and he’ll be the first to tell you that. He often says to me, “Matt-Man…being perfect is not all it’s cracked up to be, but I am what I am.”

Over his years of owning the Beer Mine, he has set the benchmark for customer service. His philosophy on that is defined by what he tells our customers when they gripe about paying $1.55 for a bottle Pepsi:

“If you don’t like our prices, Speedway’s down the street.”

Mutual respect from the customers towards him is evident as well, as I am often asked:

“Where the hell’s your dickhead boss.” or “Tell that owner of yours that he ain’t worth a shit.”

Mike is just as kind and concerned towards his employees.

When he did an inventory of all of our products a few months ago, there were very few things that were off. He praised us all by saying:

“The inventory was really good. It proves that you guys are getting better at stealing from me.” So warm, so human, so Mikey.

Mikey is also a farmer. He grows wheat, beans, corn, whatever and raises pigs as well. In fact right now, he is probably either feeding his pigs or fucking them. Ol’ Mikey is a wealth of material in waiting.

Of course I work with good ol’ Pizza Bill too…

Now Billy Boy makes a great pizza…

But…Bill is also a magician.

He can make cash and rolls of dimes disappear. That’s why his other nickname is, Five Dollar Bill. He’s also called Counterfeit Bill because he knows what one looks like. Well, at least he does now.

Bill doesn’t like the cold weather. He complains about it…of course he doesn’t like the hot weather either.

When it gets hot, he complains about getting, “ass chap.” I’m not sure what ass chap is, but it sounds like a combination of anal warts and a yeast infection.

We keep very regular hours but if some day you come to the Beer Mine during regular hours and the place is shut up for an hour or so, it’s because Pizza Bill is working but he had to close the doors in order to go to the bathroom and take a dump.

He also has a nice wife and cute kids, which to me proves two things. Some women sell themselves short and kids can still turn out well in spite of who their father is.

I also work with Dan…

Now Dan only works now and then. In fact I don’t know if he is still going to fill in at the Beer Mine. Maybe he’ll be back when the weather is warmer in case Pizza Bill’s ass chap flares up.

I do know one thing about Danny Boy. He melts and loses his senses at the sight of big busted chicks who are under 21.

Lastly, there is Little Bill. He works a day and a half a week during the warm months. He doesn’t work for us in the winter…mainly because he’s a big pussy.

Just kidding. He’s a nice guy, but there is something about him that makes us wonder something…

Is Little Bill on drugs all the time, or should he be on drugs all the time? He just ain’t right. Oddly enough, I have no picture of Little Bill, but I do have a short video of him, so enjoy…

With all of that out of the way I will say, Amen, and Amen.

Enjoy your Sunday all, and as I slave away today, please say a prayer for me that after all of those I have mentioned today read this post, I still have a job come Monday.

If I don't, at least I'll still have plenty of material.

Cheers!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge: Thanks, Oops, And Halloween

It’s another Hodgepodgical Hump Day here at Bagwine Ruminations.

First up…I want to thank of all of you who left a comment, sent an e-mail, or even did an entire post (Jay-Man!!) in order to offer advice to my son and address his lack of effort in his first year of High School.

I printed your pearls of wisdom and personal stories off and put them into a nice, book type portfolio which was graciously stolen supplied by Schmoop.

The book looks very nice and the contents of each page are what make it an instant classic.

I gave the book to Ryan’s mom Tuesday morning so she could read it at work prior to handing it off to Ryan.

She gave it to him after work yesterday. He read each and every one your offerings, and in the words of his mom, “He was very touched.”

He was puzzled as to why people who do not know him would take the time to do such a thing, but his puzzlement became secondary.

Ryno’s mom, said that while he was reading it, he would periodically laugh, mostly looked thoughtful, and a couple of times his big brown eyes welled up. He likes it…a lot.

I was working so I didn’t get to talk to him very long, but he is already asking me about each of you.

I don’t know how effective your efforts will be upon him, but I do know he digs the thought, and Saturday we’ll talk more about what was written and I’ll let him know what a bunch of perverted psychopaths you all are.

I thank you all for helping me to reach through his thick head and wake that boy up. You’re all top notch.

I screwed up at work yesterday…

It was my first major one in the nearly 18 months since I’ve been working in the Beer Mine. A customer drove in and wanted a 12 pack of Non-Alcoholic beer. This person asked me what kind we had, and I said, “Old Milwaukee N/A.”

Well, the patron took said 12 pack from me, paid, and drove off. A few minutes later, I went to re-stock the Old Milk N/A, when I discovered something odd. There wasn’t one missing. Are ya seeing what happened?

I gave said customer REAL Old Milwaukee not the N/A version. Holy Cow…I may have messed this person up, because it was never returned.

I feel like I’m in the episode of Seinfeld when Jerry sat a drink down near Elaine’s alcoholic boyfriend at a Christmas party, the guy accidentally drank it, and fell off the wagon. Damn, I feel badly about it.

Speaking of work…Halloween Weekend? I am working ALL FUCKING WEEKEND!! Damn straight bitches. I’m closing Friday the 30th. Working 11A-9P on the 31st, and all day the following Sunday.

Boy I tell ya…When Mikey, Little Bill, and Pizza Bill screw someone they leave no doubt that they were there. Lousy Bastards!!

It does have its upside…There should be some scantily clad Halloween chicks coming through that night. I’ll make sure to take pictures.

I think I may dress up as well. I was thinking as going as a Priest. I need to be able to move around to do my job, so that might work pretty well.

I would like to dress up as Jeebus Christ but I worry about that.

What if towards the end of the night some already drunked up customer comes through and sees Jesus waiting on him or her, and freaks out?

That probably wouldn’t be good…Although it would be pretty God Damn funny. Let me re-think that idea.

Happy Hump Day, All!!

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Hola...You Want Pork Chops Wif Your Taco?

It's a cooler and pleasant Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio.

I, of course, will be working 11-7 today and then will be going to see Ryno after my shift at the Beer Mine.

The painting of the Bagwine digs is not complete, but it's close. We put 3.5 6 good hours in on the job yesterday.

We're a little behind, but no fears. The carpet is not coming until Wednesday so we're cool and looking good.

Much like the look of the apartment is changing, when I went to get beer yesterday, I saw some changes taking place at the Beer Mine.

On the north side of the Drive-Thru are our friends from south of the border...


The Drive-Thru is now home to the finest Mexican food in the Greater Bagwine region. The burritos are HUGE and they taste Mooey Yum-Oh.

That's Jesus manning the kitchen. See how he gladly posed for my picture? I've always told you that I was incredibly close with our Lord and Savior.

But wait just a minute...I smell something other than the aroma of a taco de la pollo...Holy Cow!! The smell that I smell is pig cooking!!

Sweet Jesus (The Lord, not the Taco guy) the Beer Mine is offering up BBQ'd pork and chicken in addition to Mexican cuisine.

We've gone international, Bitches!! Pork Chop Sandwich, anyone?

But strap yourselves in and hold on for dear life, you chuckleheads. In addition to the new dining choices, The Beer Mine has a new employee as well...

Ladies and Gentlemen...I give you, Dan.

Dan will be filling in for Pizza Bill, Little Bill, and/or myself whenever the need should arise.

He seems to be an affable guy who has long hair, and is in dire need of some sex. So ladies, email me and I'll hook ya up.

So there you have it. MEXICANS, AFRICAN-Americans, and a hard rockin' WHITE guy...

The Beer Mine is not just a hotbed of cultural diversity, it is the United Fucking Nations meets Bagwine, Ohio.

Amen, and Amen...

While I am working today, I am going to brush up on my Spanish and and my Jive.

Enjoy your Sunday all.

Cheers, and Adios Muthafuckahs!!

It Ain't Easy Feelin' Green

Happy Saturday to everyone.

Well, to everyone but me. Ol’ Matty-Boy is sick.

At about 3:15 P.M. yesterday, I got dizzy…every sweat gland in my body opened up, and then…it happened.

Projectile vomiting on a scale not seen since Karen Carpenter stuck her finger down her throat after eating turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing on Thanksgiving night back in 1981.

The headliner of my vomitous vaudeville show was a fried egg sandwich that Schmoop had made for me at around noon yesterday.

I got most of it in the toilet but I did ruin the rug that sits in front of the shower, and some found its way to my lower legs.

It was NOT good. Needless to say I had to call in sick to work, which is a financial bummer. It was a last minute call too, so I felt bad about that, but Holy Cow, I was dying.

My head still hurts. My stomach still feels funky. I still feel clammy and my body is one big ache.

The only reason I am typing this is because after lying on the couch for nearly 15 hours, I had to get up for a little bit.

So, I will be spending my Saturday recovering so I can work my usual 11-7 shift on Sunday. I want to thank Little Bill for filling in for me at the last minute. Thanks, dude!!

Before I go, something on a lighter note. We just received the new 2009-2010 Clark County Yellowbook.

I always peruse the new phone book when it comes out, because, well, I’m a dork that way. Anyhoo, this edition contains a comedic gem in one of its advertisements in the Physician section.

What is it, you ask? Take a look below…

Ha. Sometimes one's name determines one's future career, no?

Cheers!!

The Saturday Grind

I am working today. Yes, it is rare that I work on a Saturday, but Little Bill who typically works all day Saturday, is having surgery today.

He is having his circumcision reversed. Why? I don't know. I heard him mumble once that he wanted to be more like Tom Jones...or something.

So, it falls upon myself and Pizza Bill to take up the slack, and dole out the beer and cigarettes to the masses.

The partying never stops in Bagwine, Ohio and our work is never done.

So, to you all, I say Happy Weekend, and I hope you get a little partying in yourselves.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Making The Right Choice In Spite of One's Self

It’s going to be a cool and overcast Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio.

So I won’t be working up much of a sweat as I work the beer mines from 11-7 today.

After my shift of selling hops and barley to the masses, I’m off to see Ryno and help him with his Algebra for a few minutes.

(I took that picture of Ryno yesterday. The loveable little shit is growing up fast, isn’t he?)

Once our tutoring is complete, I will head back here to the Bagwine digs and do what I do every Sunday evening…

Refect on the past week’s events and converse with the Holy Baby Jeebus in hopes of making me a better person and the week ahead better than the last.

Oh, and I’ll drink a few beers as well.

Speaking of drinking beer…I would have typed this post last night but damn…

Twenty seconds into typing last night, what I was typing appeared to me to be written in Sanskrit. Ohhhh Baby, I was more than a bit buzzed.

So, I aborted my publishing attempt and turned my thoughts to having hot sex with Schmoop. This was not to be either, because I don’t think I could have even found her hoo-ha.

So, we ate hot dogs and baked beans and went to bed. Even in my haze, I managed to choose the appropriate course of action.

Amen, and Amen…

On a related beer drinking note…Saturday’s festivities yielded a couple of happy accidents.

First of all, I talked to Little Bill. He is another employee of Drive-By Mikey’s beer mine. I rarely mention Little Bill because I rarely see him as he only works there on my days off.

However, I stopped in to pick up my party supplies from him yesterday. We chatted for a few when he told me a humorous story.

He was more than happy to appear on the Bagwine Cam and relate to you that story about a “brilliant” customer that he waited on last week. Enjoy…

Thanks much Little Bill…We’ll definitely have you back on Bagwine in the near future. How could we not?

The other happy accident? While swilling beer with Schmoop and her brother Dave, Dave per usual, came up with a few truly rude one liners that had us cracking up.

It was apparent to me, and my ability to shamelessly exploit others, that his talent could no longer be confined to the Bagwine abode.

So folks…beginning this Friday and every Friday thereafter, Bagwine Ruminations will be presenting Dave’s pearls of wisdom to the masses.

Just think…

Schmoop on Thursday and her brother on Friday. I’m sure that their 85 year old mom is incredibly proud of them. Or not.

Have a wonderful Sunday, all.

Cheers!!