Clambakin' Is Not Just a Party...It's a Lifestyle

Recently I have kicked my ass into gear as far as getting my act together…my comedy act, that is.

I have been spending about an hour a day going through my 1,400+ posts in order to take the funniest stuff and blend it into a funny, coherent 60-90 minute routine that I can do on stage.

As I go back and read what I have posted since May of 2006, I have come across some entries that are crap. But…

I have also come across quite a few things that have made me laugh out loud, and many things that are downright disturbing.

Some posts have actually managed to achieve that golden quality of doing both at the same time. I came across such a post Monday.

The following pictures come from May of 2008 when I was still doing a thing called Half Nekkid Thursday.

I did a half nekkid pictorial tribute to that King of Rock ‘n’ Roll and walking pharmaceutical counter, Elvis Presley.

Please join me in delighting in this soft porn tribute to Elvis and my favorite movie that he did...Clambake!!

Whoa Mama…Think I look good like this? How ’bouts I get to Clambakin’?

Yeah that’s more like it, Bitches. The King Lives in me and my clam is hungry!!
Sing it, Big E!!

Enjoy your Tuesday, all.

Cheers!!

The Cynical Bastard Bounced Me Into Building a Blog Banner

Happy Hump Day, Kids!!

At work Tuesday, I was thinking humorous thoughts and jotting down notes about what I thought President Obama should say during tonight's State of the Union address.

I got home about 7:15 P.M., cracked open a beer, and fired up the ol' Bagwine computer.

After checking my e-mail which contained nothing but spam, I answered a couple of comments on my site and then headed over to Jay's site.

I found, much to my chagrin, that he had already written a very funny post about Obama's aforementioned SOTU address. I was quite pissed amused.

So...

I started creating possible banners for the new website I am working on in order to get comedy gigs, pundit spots, and the like.

I came up with a couple of variations on the same idea. I was taking into consideration that I don't want to be known as merely a comic, but also one who can provide a humorous and non-ideological commentary on social and political issues.

With that in mind...Here is what I have come up wit thus far. Let me know what ya think if you have a minute. And please, if you hate it, let me know...I can take it.

Sample Number One:

Colorful Commentary for Our Black and White Times


Sample Number Two:

That's all I gots, Bitches...

I'm off for three straight days and I'll be OCD'ing over this new site the entire time. I hope the beer helps me to cope.

Cheers!!

Kudos To You All

I have to work today…well, tonight anyway, because Pizza Bill is a big pussy and doesn’t like to close, but anyhoo…

Remind me to revisit my issues with Pizza Bill prior to my birthday, so I can guilt him in to giving me a free pizza for my birthday which, I might add, falls on the same day as the Super Bowl this year!!

Do you hear me, Bill? Well, do you punk!?

Okay…sorry…I digressed, and or whatever.

I haven’t been chatting it up of late because I have been working on my new site, and I can only do one thing at a time.

I am not a good multi-tasker unless you consider one who can toss a chick’s salad while he’s filling out his tax forms a good multi-tasker. And by the way, I deduct the cost of condoms on health grounds.

The chick’s health, not mine. But anyhow…

Since I will be working today and tomorrow, I wanted to take this time to thank all of you.

I asked for suggestions for my new site, and you all came through with great ideas.

I know…even though Schmoop thinks you’re a bunch of twelve year olds in grown up bodies, I dig all ya alls asses.

P-Man, Mick, Scott, David, Lu, Lady, Vin, Jay, Al, Di, Joker, Boo (mmmm, Boo), Doc and all of the others including my beloved, Rat. Y’all came through.

I want to give a special shout out to Isobel. Isobel just recently stopped by and drank the Bagwine. I think she digs it.

Isobel, who is a fellow Ohioan, gave me the skinny on a place near her that hires comedians. I want to thank her for taking the time to email me and passing the info on.

Okay…that’s all I got…merely a housekeeping kind of post. I hope you all enjoy yourselves while I am working this weekend.

And if you don’t?

Shame on you…

Cheers!!

Sending Out The Matt Signal

I have nothing today other than a request for your suggestions.

As I told you a couple of weeks ago, I am going to start up another website that will be my home page for luring people to hire me for comedy gigs.

I have been creating a database of radio, TV, newspaper, and comedy clubs which to alert as to my skillz and my site, but now I need help with something.

I need to start creating the site itself.

As you know this is my banner on Bagwine Ruminations…


It has the title and a tag line below the picture. It’s cute. It has me on the banner, which of course, makes it cute.

At this point, for my new site, I have decided on using the following picture in my new website banner.

I know, I use it often, but I dig it and it has attitude. Here’s where you come in.

I am asking for suggestions from you as to what the title above the picture should be, and what if any, should the tag line below the picture be.

(Keep in mind, the title should reflect that I am looking for comedy, speaking, and/or pundit jobs.)

If I use your suggestion, you will be duly and generously compensated once I begin to make money off of any gigs that I get from the new site.

And trust me, I’m generous to a fault, just ask my ex...if she was in a good mood she would even admit it.

That’s all I have today. Please let me know if you have any ideas either through the comments or in an e-mail.

I have a few ideas, but it is always better to look for thoughts from people who are detached from the question at hand.

So please…help me out you smart, sarcastic, lovable bastards, you.

Cheers!!

My Past Came Back To Taunt Me

Some of you may be aware of the fact that some 23 or 24 years ago I did stand-up comedy in the Bagwine area.

It was a solo musical/comedy act that I did posing as a third-rate lounge singer named, Joey Goodbar. I had some good times and a relatively small but fiercely loyal following.

I just never took my comedy act as seriously as I should have, and truly pursued it. I regret that sometimes. Perhaps regret is not the right word. In fact, I know it’s not.

I think the most accurate way to describe my feelings about no longer doing comedy is that… While I rarely mention it, I miss it…alot.

I decided that it is time to stop missing it. Today as I stand a mere one month and two days away from my 45th Birthday, I am going start the pursuit anew, and not merely on a local level and not while hiding behind the guise of, Joey Goodbar.

I am going to try to get gigs on radio, TV, and of course doing live shows while being known simply as Matt Mahoney.

I am going to start today working on a new website which will serve as my contact point for perspective employers.

It is going to take quite a bit of work. I have to build a resume…establish a database of TV/Radio media contacts and show producers, and continuously send topical emails to these contacts in order to get on their shows.

And as much as I hate to…I’ll have to start utilizing Facebook and Twitter. Oh the crosses we bear to achieve a dream.

I think if I apply myself I can do it. My selling point is that I am not just a comedian. I am a commenter on social, cultural, and political goings on in the talking head mode who happens to be pretty damn funny. Other pluses?

I am not an ideologue. I can look at issues from a wide array of angles, and appreciate all viewpoints. I'm like an anti-Olbermann, an anti-Beck...an anti-Dickhead.

I actually know the mindset of the vast amount of Americans who do not live on either coast. I can speak with a plain, rough around the edges voice which actually connects with people outside of the beltway or Manhattan and L.A.

I’m kind of excited. If I can successfully blend my love of politics, culture, and comedy into something more than Bagwine Ruminations I will be a happy, happy man.

I guess my attempt at this can be considered my New Year Resolution. I still have to first and foremost deal with everyday life such as spending time with Ryno, helping to pull Schmoop and I out of some difficulties, and all of the other commitments, but…

If something comes of this, the other stuff will not only take care of itself, it will be better. Much better.

So there you have it. That’s my goal for 2010. I hope to have something to show you in two or three weeks, and don’t worry…This site will always continue to carry on no matter what happens.

Oh and if you want to or know a way to help out, please shoot me an e-mail or a comment.

Cheers!!

Mohammed: Prophet of Punchlines

As promised, I am posting some Muslim humor today. However, the humor isn’t actually mine.

Allah’s prophet, Mohammed, stopped by last night, in quite the fortuitous moment, and we chatted.

The Mohammed-Man is embarking upon a tour of the U.S. in order to instill good will among those idiots folks who think all Muslims are evil.

His choice of good will tactic?

Stand-Up Comedy…although he kneels on a prayer rug as he does it.

So Ladies and Gents, Bagwine Ruminations welcomes, the Prophet Mohammed!! Take it away my good man.

Thank you very much Matt-Man. Oh my goodness gracious, I am very wonderful to be here…

Folks, I just flew in from Baghdad, and boy is my carpet dirty. Baghdad isn’t too bad of a place. I’ve been worse places…

For Allah’s sake, I spent a week in Mecca one night. Bada bin-Bing!!

Knock-Knock…Who’s there?

Allah…Allah Who?

Allahst the combination to the lock on my weapons cache, and can’t blow anyone up!!

Ha. How many of you are from out of village? I am from out of village.

In fact, I was at airport a few minutes ago when a Muslim guy came up to me and said, “Hey Mohammed, that’s a sexy virgin ya got there.”

I said, “That’s no virgin; that’s my wife!!”

I find myself bathed in the goat’s milk of hilariousness, and if this takes off, I may try a movie career.

My new curvy, American friend Starrlight suggested a couple of good Muslim-Themed cinematic offerings:

I could star with that Jew boy Billy Crystal in a movie called, “Throw Mullah From the Train.”

Or, I could hook up with Stephen King in an Islamic horror movie titled, “Children of the Koran.”

I was thinking maybe I could do a film about the 1981 Israeli sneak attack on the Iraqi nuclear reactor and call it, “Torah, Torah, Torah.” Bada bin-Bing!!

Then, I thought that I could very much capitalize by doing an Islamic pornographic martial arts movie named, “Crouching Virgin, Hidden Falafel.”

Unfortunately, I really don’t have the face for the very large screen…

In fact, I was so ugly when born, that the Doctor slapped my mother…And then they stoned her to death!!

I was so ugly when young, that they had to tie a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

The dog finally played with me, ate the pork chop, and then they killed puppy for violating Islamic food Law. Bada bin-Bing!!

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Imam walk into a bar. The Priest orders whiskey; the Rabbi orders wine; and the Imam orders their beheading!!

I never understood the Ottoman Empire. No wonder it collapsed; it was based upon a foot stool. Ha!!

Before I go, I want to thank my brother Ahmed for helping to finance my good will tour. Ahmed is very rich man. He is arms dealer…

He sells rocks and bottles to Palestinians…Boo Yah!!

Thank you for your time…Tip your scantily clad infidel waitress, and Praise Jeebus!!!

Ha, just kidding.

Cheers!!