Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.
It’s like the line uttered in an episode from Seinfeld by Newman rings true…"Tuesday has no feel."
However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.
The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.
It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.
In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.
And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.
Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…
But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.
In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.
Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…
Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles. John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.
The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.
Anyhoo…Jeebus got the festivities started by saying, “Behold, we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”
The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.
It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.
The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.
They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.
The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.
The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.
And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.
All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…
“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”
Damn right they do, Bart.
Take that Newman…No Jeebus for You!!.
Cheers!!
They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.
The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.
And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.
All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…
“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”
Damn right they do, Bart.
Take that Newman…No Jeebus for You!!.
Cheers!!
26 comments:
I think I need a moist towelette.
Hammer: Moist towelettes are a man's best friend. Cheers!!
I wanted to advise you to always wear clean underwear in case of rapture, but after reading this I don't think you should bother.
That was amazingly similar to my senior prom night. ;-)
PITS: Ha. I had a couple of similar remarks directed at me yesterday. Am I missing something? Cheers!!
Jay: Sweet. You're lucky. My Senior Prom consisted of my date throwing up on me. Cheers Jay!!
Sounds amazingly similar to my Thursdays. Hmmmm ... maybe I got the day wrong!
Don't be a Jeebus Nazzi :)
Dana: With Schmoop and I both off on Thursdays it sounds exactly like our Thursdays with two exceptions. I sure as hell ain't Jeebus and Schmoop is no virgin. Cheers!!
Lu: I don't have to be a Jeebus Nazi. Pope Benny already holds that distinction. Cheers Pal!!
You know I meant Jeebus Nazi as in soup...Right?
Lu: Yes dear. However, I took your comment and pivoted to somewhere else. Anything to take a shot at Benny. Cheers Lu!!
..."When you control the mail you control...information!".
Phfrankie: Ha. I watch two reruns every night at 11:30 and Midnight. They never get old. Cheers P-Man!!
"The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair."
Now, THAT'S phfunny!...
Phfrankie: Ha. Yeah, the post wasn't the best, but that was my favorite line as well. Thank You. Cheers!!
I knew Wednesday's were Prince Spaghetti Days, but I never realized Tuesday's were hot oil and virgins Days
Poor Newman - he truly needs to be saved
Bond: It is just that. And...Enagaging in sex with an oiled up Mediterranean Area virgin is like eating a soft, curvy, human form of Bruschetta. Yummmm. Cheers Vinny!!
Dianne: Alas, I think Newman is beyond saving. Have you looked into his eyes? It's pure evil. Cheers Sexy!!
Darlin' your take on the gospels are wonderfully inventive.
That gave me a great idea for the bachelorette party I'm going to on Friday night. Thanks!
TB: Just a few days away!! Cheers!!
Michele: Why thanks. I try to keep things as accurate as I can. Cheers Michele!!
Chick: You are more than welcome. Can I come? Cheers Chick!!
it's only Tuesday?
Thomas doubting
Peter denying
Judas kissing
what else is coming?
there is a jesus joke about peter being simonized and the the zealots...but I can't remember the punchline.
Kat: I am currently working on discussing a number of things that will be up before midnight. Including Passover!! Boo Yah.
Find that joke...It sounds funny. Cheers Kat!!
WTF, I missed an entire post?! Jeeeebus I am tired. Actually I know I am cause now I have this horrid mental picture of the Virgin of Guadalupe with Seinfelds face. Oy
Starr: Well, there is good naked and bad naked. Cheers!!
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