Holy Tuesday, Matt-Man!!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.

Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.

It’s like the line uttered in an episode from Seinfeld by Newman rings true…

"Tuesday has no feel."

However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.

It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.

In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.

And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.

Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…

But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.

In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.

On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.

Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…

Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles. John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.

The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.

Anyhoo…Jeebus got the festivities started by saying, “Behold, we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”

The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.

It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.

The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.

They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.

The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.

The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.

And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.

All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…

“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”

Damn right they do, Bart.

Take that Newman…No Jeebus for You!!.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Palm Sunday 2009

It’s going to be a warm yet stormy Sunday here in Bagwine, and the rest of the week has much colder, crappy weather on tap for us.

But, that’s okay, because I will be awash in the sunlight of the Lord, for today marks the beginning of Holy Week, or as I call it…

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week!!™

Today we celebrate Palm Sunday. For those of you who are either uninformed or misinformed as to what Palm Sunday is, let me ‘splain.

Jeebus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey the week before his death and resurrection so he could whoop it up one last time before getting nailed.

So after the Jeebus Day Parade, complete with Assyrian Clowns and Persian Shriners, Jeebus gathered his 12 Apostles together.

They ate a slew of Little Caesar’s Pizza and drank Mogen David wine by the gallon.

After becoming sated from the pizza and horny from the wine, they formed a circle.

In the middle of the circle sat a naked and oiled up Mary Magdalene who was doing unspeakable things with a shofar.

Jeebus and his Apostles began to masturbate to the point of climaxing simultaneously. And that my friends is why this day is known as Palm Sunday.

But…There’s more.

After their collective, ecumenical ejaculation, J-Man proclaimed the little known 11th Commandment by saying unto those gathered…

“Eatin Ain’t Cheatin’, Bitches!!”

Thusly, the Lord and his Holy Henchmen took turns givin’ Mary’s hoo-ha a tongue bath.

Mary was squirming around like an eel out of water with every lick and that is why Palm Sunday is also known as a movable feast.

Is this true, you ask? Of course it is, because I believe it.

Amen and Amen.

I’m off to work all day at the beer mine and then meeting up with Ryno afterwards, so I bid you adieu.

Enjoy your Sunday, all.

Cheers!!

Holy Week: It's Wednesday, Who's There?

Yesterday, we spoke about how Jeebus was a bit of a prankster and jokester.

Well, have I got some news for you!!

Back in 1999, while trying to bury what was left of my self-esteem in the backyard of my “soon to be handed over to the ex” estate:

Something HUGE Happened…

I discovered an ancient religious text buried beneath several inches of dirt, dead grubs, and three empty bottles of Bagwine.

This my friends, forever changed my life.

Much like the Book of Menus, that I mentioned yesterday, this was quite the find.

This ancient book reveals that our boy Jeebus, was on the cutting edge of comedy, and the inventor of the Knock-Knock joke.

From what I have heard through the word of God, he came up with them on the Wednesday prior to his crucifixion.

While most of his jocularity has been lost, my fortuitous dig turned up the lost Knock-Knock jokes of Jeebus Christ.

This text, which was labeled, The Book of Rodney, was full of these gems, and comprises the first book of what I call, The Knockstic Gospels.

I also found a series of unmarked one-liners by Jeebus, that I have called, the Book of Henny. More on that at a later date.

The Book of Rodney contains the following…

Father, the Pharisees show me no respect. (Rodney 1: 1)

I walked into the Temple, and the Moneychangers said unto me, “You are so ugly; you would have to sneak up on a glass of Holy Water.” (Rodney 1: 7-8)

I’m a bad lover. Once, I caught a Peeping Thomas booing. He also doubted me. (Rodney 3: 14)

We then get into a few of his Knock-Knock jokes…

Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Jew. Jew Who? Dry Your Yiddish Tears You Big Ninny. (Rodney 5: 17-18)

Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Judas. Judas Who? Judas See Who Kissed Me? (Rodney 13: 28)

And my favorite…

Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Noah. Noah Who? Noah good Doctor who could sew up the holes in my hands? (Rodney 11: 22-24)

What a Holy Laugh Riot the Holy Baby Jeebus turned out to be…You RAWK Jay-Cee!!

There’s also a funny story about Holy Wednesday that is relayed to us in the Book of Rodney…

And thusly, the Apostles awoke on the mid week day. There was a ruckus. Bartholomew asked, “What the Hell is going on?”

Matthew spaketh, “Jeebus is plowing Mary Magdalene’s Garden of Eden.”

Thaddeus answered…

“I hope Jeebus’ snake doesn’t get charred by her Burning Bush.”

Jeebus emerged from the den, and spoke,"Mary and I were happy for twenty years...and then we met. Bada Bing, I'll be here til Friday!!"

Jeebus, all 12 Apostles, and a butt-nekkid Mary laughed their Holy asses off. (Rodney 7: 10-17)

And that my friends, is what transpired on Holy Wednesday.

I hope to see you all tomorrow for a special Easter edition of Half Nekkid Holy Thursday.

Cheers!!

Holy Week: Jesus Shows His Comic Side

It’s Holy Week folks, and just five meatless days to go.

Holy Week has always been a bit of mystery to me.

During the Triduum, which runs from Thursday evening to vespers on Easter Sunday...

We have all Hell breaking loose.

The Last Supper…Christ Gettin’ Nailed…The First Round of the NCAA Tournament…Oh, and then the Resurrection.

WTF?

Hayzoos arrived in Jerusalem on Sunday. Are you telling me nothing happened on Monday through Wednesday?

Of course things happened, and I know exactly what went down…

Mack Daddy J and his 13 Apostles, along with that minx, Mary Magdalene, partied their holy asses off.

They rented the Bar Mitzvah reception hall near the Garden of Gesetheme.

Once inside and set-up with mirrors and a giant disco ball, they planned the mass intoxication of civilization, while having an immoral free for all.

The 13 Apostles played poker. JC and Mary played escaped slave and the owner’s wife.

All the while, they all sucked back mass amounts Mogen and David wine from a bottle that JC kept refilling.

Pathetic…Until you think about the fact that Messiah-Boy was merely throwing one helluva pre-crucifixion wake.

When they got hungry they would order pizza from Little Caesar’s.

They would get the Goliath Super Deluxe, hold the anchovies.

Jeebus hated anchovies. He would always say, “No anchovies, please.”

Thus, years later, The J. Geils Band would write a song based on that quote.

The quote itself, appears in a series of writings that never made their way into the Bible. It’s from a text called, The Book of Menus.

One time, one of the Apostles, Rick of Tyre, slid a piece of the hairy fish onto Jeebus’ slice of pizza.

J-Mac was so pissed that he turned Rick into a tiny piece of primordial dung.

Centuries later, that piece of dung would form itself into whom we now know as Bill O’Reilly.

This explains why we only recognize 12 Apostles, and why Bill O’Reilly is such a major league asshole.

JC was also a big joke teller and prankster.

He loved taking his posse down to the local Tobacco and Hookah Shoppe.

Jeebus, would ask the tobacco merchant, “Do you have King Herod in a can?”

Ha…Everyone would burst out into a chorus of Holy laughter. JC was a regular Shecky Greene.

There is much more to this story of Holy Tom-Foolery, but alas, that must wait until tomorrow.

Have a great Holy Week Tuesday.

Cheers!!