Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Eats-ter Morning, Praise Jeebus!!

While it is a chilly start, it is going to be a sunny and somewhat mild Easter Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio.

And the best thing? I’m off today. It’s the first Sunday I have been off in a year. Praise Jeebus!!

And speaking of Jeebus, welcome back buddy.

Those three days that you were gone while toying with the Romans, Jews, and Satan hizzelf were ghastly.

Not only is this the Day of Resurrection, it is the end of my 46 days of Meatlessness for the Messiah and my 3 day fast. Thank God.

Let me tell ya. The 3 day fast really blew. However, it did work it’s Messianic Magic.

I have officially plunged under the 180 pound weight mark. I currently stand at a shade over 177. As I weighed 187 on Ash Wednesday, I have lost nearly 10 pounds.

This three day fast thing? Holy Cow. I hadn’t eaten anything for 72 hours. I lived, on water, smokes, and beer.

You wouldn’t think there’d be anything to get rid of, but Saturday evening after work, I had a series of colon blows that were just wrong.

Have you ever peed out of your ass? Well, last night, I did. Twelve gallons of water cascaded out my porthole. Talk about your Holy Shit.

It was like my ass was the Tomb of Christ, and he pushed away the stone, and out he came in the form of an uber-wet flow of a dark sienna hued discharge.

Diet fads, be damned…The only weight loss plan one needs is the love of Jeebus Christ. Fill your soul with JC and he will clean your colon out. Amen.

Of course, now that Easter is here, it’s time to pack on a few pounds today.

And how will I do that, you ask?

Well, Schmoop and I are going to lay blankets and pillows on the living room floor, watch TV, and eat…naked…all Damn day.

Here’s a little of what’s on the Resurrection Menu…

After I stop by Schmoop’s brother’s for a few, I am headed to pick up a Crave Case of White Castle hamburgers.

Of course, weak from my fast, I’ll pick up a Burger King Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Croisan’wich on the way.

Later, we may have some chicken nuggets, and of course, what is Easter without the greasy goodness of SPAM. Mmmmmmm, SPAM. God is great!!

And here it is folks…Schmoop and I have been living in sin together for nearly nine years. She has always had one, hard and fast rule…

“I don’t care if you do cook it yourself, there will be no fucking liver in this house, Matthew.”

Well, Schmoop broke her long standing rule and rewarded my Lenten efforts.

Yep, Schmoop picked up some liver at the store for me yesterday. It is currently in the fridge soaking in milk, and waiting to be cooked up.

Jeebus loves me this I know.

So there you have it…an Easter full of meat, movies and oral sensation. I hope yours is every bit as good as mine.

Have a wonderful Resurrection Day, all. If I don’t see you tomorrow, it can mean only thing…

I fell into a meat coma.

Cheers!!