Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Eats-ter Morning, Praise Jeebus!!

While it is a chilly start, it is going to be a sunny and somewhat mild Easter Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio.

And the best thing? I’m off today. It’s the first Sunday I have been off in a year. Praise Jeebus!!

And speaking of Jeebus, welcome back buddy.

Those three days that you were gone while toying with the Romans, Jews, and Satan hizzelf were ghastly.

Not only is this the Day of Resurrection, it is the end of my 46 days of Meatlessness for the Messiah and my 3 day fast. Thank God.

Let me tell ya. The 3 day fast really blew. However, it did work it’s Messianic Magic.

I have officially plunged under the 180 pound weight mark. I currently stand at a shade over 177. As I weighed 187 on Ash Wednesday, I have lost nearly 10 pounds.

This three day fast thing? Holy Cow. I hadn’t eaten anything for 72 hours. I lived, on water, smokes, and beer.

You wouldn’t think there’d be anything to get rid of, but Saturday evening after work, I had a series of colon blows that were just wrong.

Have you ever peed out of your ass? Well, last night, I did. Twelve gallons of water cascaded out my porthole. Talk about your Holy Shit.

It was like my ass was the Tomb of Christ, and he pushed away the stone, and out he came in the form of an uber-wet flow of a dark sienna hued discharge.

Diet fads, be damned…The only weight loss plan one needs is the love of Jeebus Christ. Fill your soul with JC and he will clean your colon out. Amen.

Of course, now that Easter is here, it’s time to pack on a few pounds today.

And how will I do that, you ask?

Well, Schmoop and I are going to lay blankets and pillows on the living room floor, watch TV, and eat…naked…all Damn day.

Here’s a little of what’s on the Resurrection Menu…

After I stop by Schmoop’s brother’s for a few, I am headed to pick up a Crave Case of White Castle hamburgers.

Of course, weak from my fast, I’ll pick up a Burger King Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Croisan’wich on the way.

Later, we may have some chicken nuggets, and of course, what is Easter without the greasy goodness of SPAM. Mmmmmmm, SPAM. God is great!!

And here it is folks…Schmoop and I have been living in sin together for nearly nine years. She has always had one, hard and fast rule…

“I don’t care if you do cook it yourself, there will be no fucking liver in this house, Matthew.”

Well, Schmoop broke her long standing rule and rewarded my Lenten efforts.

Yep, Schmoop picked up some liver at the store for me yesterday. It is currently in the fridge soaking in milk, and waiting to be cooked up.

Jeebus loves me this I know.

So there you have it…an Easter full of meat, movies and oral sensation. I hope yours is every bit as good as mine.

Have a wonderful Resurrection Day, all. If I don’t see you tomorrow, it can mean only thing…

I fell into a meat coma.

Cheers!!

Sabbatum Sanctum

It’s Holy Saturday.

The last day of Holy Week. The day before Jeebus rises up…and most importantly…

The last day of my Meatlessness for the Messiah and the end to my 72 hour fast!!

Damn straight. The last meat I ate was clear back on February 24th. It was two Burrito Supremes and three Taco Supremes.

Yo Quiero, Jeebus Christ!! And, bitches…

My last meal period, was Wednesday night as I finished up my Velveeta and Herb Stuffing concoction at 11:53 P.M. Boy Howdy!!

I did cheat a little bit Friday afternoon. I had the Number 9 for lunch. And let me tell ya…Schmoop never tasted so good.

Purrrrrrr.

It will be close come Easter morning, but I may just crack that 180 pound threshold.

As you can see from the picture, I had Schmoop’s brother shave my head like a shorn lamb of God to give me that couple ounces of leeway.

Anyhoo…Today, in between dreaming about getting teabagged by Tyra Banks religious meditations and listening to my stomach growl, I will be working from 11-4.

The ex is bringing Ryno by work briefly, because later today he will be headed to the Chicagoland area to spend Spring Break with his aunt, uncle, and two fave cousins.

I will see him off with a kiss, a hug, a twin pack of Grippo’s BBQ chips, and some spending cash. I hope the little shit appreciates it.

Kidding…I’m sure he will.

Of course, I am also sure that when he and his mom swing by, he’ll be gnawing on a huge, delicious hamburger saying, “Hey Dad…Look. This is soooooo goooood.”

So there you have it. The end and the Resurrection are in sight. Tomorrow, I will be shoveling White Castle cheeseburgers down my throat. Amen.

Have a great day, and a lovely Easter weekend. I leave you with an Inky and Lola Easter classic...

Cheers!!

Foresaking, Pharaoh, and Fasting

Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2009.

Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…

Tonight at sundown marks the beginning of Passover. AND…This is the last day that I will be consuming any food whatsoever until Easter Morning.

Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt. I’m on the eve of a 72 hour fast, and Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch. Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!

Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.

In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.

Why did he do this? That has been a matter of much speculation. However, the answer to that question lies within his name.

Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP…big time. What does that have to do with his name, you ask.

You see, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.

However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”

And now you know why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad.

Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover. The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.

God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.

So after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, God really got pissed.

He plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.

Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.

They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jeez, how come it took Cecil B. DeMille four frickin’ hours to tell this story?

Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.

Some years ago I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.

But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.

The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coarsing through me and on me are the following:

I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower, instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worse one?

Greek dudes are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters. So far, my ass has remained chaste.

Now lastly, on this most Holy Wednesday, a warning.

After today, I shall be fasting until Easter. I cannot be held responsible for what may appear on this blog during my, Caloric Purge for Christ.

If I begin to babble incoherently, do not call a doctor, a cleric, or especially a Greek dude. I’ll muddle through.

And with that, a picture of my Last Supper…

What is this meatless feast? Onion and Herb Stuffing baked with kidney beans, garlic, and Velveeta.

Oh yeah, Baby!! Is that Yum-Oh, or what?

More Hole-ly-ness to come tomorrow!!

Cheers!

A Little Bit of Sunshine

As I told you earlier this week, I have been a bit ticked off of late.

Schmoop was shedding her eggs. Ryno was slacking off at school, and well, I really wasn’t lookin’ forward to working on Easter Sunday.

But…there are a few rays of joy that came my way recently.

I’m still in a bit of a funk over my kid, but I’ll be hanging out with him today, which will be nice.

And, he should feel very fortunate that April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month, ‘cause I’d still like to smack him upside his head. But nonetheless, he’s a joy to be with.

I got paid yesterday and by golly, thanks to President Obama, I had a few extra dollars on my check. That’s cool, especially since the Federal Tax on smokes just went up.

I am back down to 182 pounds, so that makes me kinda happy. Just think, my 72 hour fast starts Thursday so I may just break that 180 barrier.

Someone from Joyce Meyer Ministries was reading my site again yesterday. That always puts a smile on my face.

I think ol’ chipmunk cheek Joyce wants to get all naked and biblical with me.

Maybe I’ll email her and ask her if she’d like to play, Lot and his Wanton Daughters, with me and Lindsay Roberts.

My brother Marte’ came over Thursday night and he came bearing gifts. Birthday gifts for Schmoop specifically.

He brought her a new DVD player, some beer, Movie Theatre popcorn, and a DVD of Tommy Boy. Marte’ and his wife are a couple of sweethearts.

That DVD player is a great gift, because we were really having trouble finding quality BETA tapes of late.

My mood was also improved because my old buddy Sherri came through the Drive-Thru Friday night. Always a pleasure to see her.

She told me to stop losing weight and then asked what color my pee was. No, she’s not completely crazy; she’s a nurse.

Anyhoo, she said once again that we’d get together for some coffee. Ha. She’s so cute when she lies to my face.

And then, after work Friday night…I came home and got my freak on with my non-menstruating Schmoop.



Yum-Frickin’-Ohhhhhhhh, Baby!! I think there is more of that in store for today. And guess what else, Bitches!?

As it stands now, I am off Easter Sunday. That’s right. I am working half a day next Saturday, but as for Easter? I…Am…Off!!

Come Resurrection Day, it will be me, Jeebus, and Schmoop, with a suitcase full of White Castles, a bucket of chicken, a bag full of Taco Bell, and a skillet full of brats.

And all the while, we will be watching porn on the new DVD player.

This week hasn’t been the best week of my life, but there are always glimmers of sunshine no matter how dark things may seem.

Enjoy your Saturday, all…

Cheers!!

Do Not Give Me This Day, My Daily Bread

I started my meatless Lent at 187 pounds.

A week ago I was at 181, and yesterday I hopped on the scale to check to see if I had cracked that mythical 180 mark and perhaps would weigh maybe 179 or so…

Ha…Pictures don’t lie, Bitches!!


I’m back up to 1 frickin’ 85!! WTF!?

How could this be? I eat egg salad, tuna fish, beans, salad…I’m at a loss.

Okay, maybe it’s all of the mayo in the tuna and egg salad, and of course I put that shit in sandwich form. I eat biscuits with my beans.

I eat grilled cheese and this past week we had cheese pizza twice. Ya see a common theme with these things?

Uh-huh…BREAD!! It’s been a Bread-O-Frickin’ Rama ‘round here of late.

Hell, bread based foods have even invaded our health food cabinet.


Crackers, Cheese Nips, Cheesy Fries, Brownies, Swiss Rolls, cookies, corn chips and more…frickin’…bread. Unbelievable.

Except in its beer form, I am off the bread until Easter. No Mas. And guess what else I’m going to do…

Come Holy Week, I am going to fast (once again, that doesn’t count beer and Bagwine) completely on that Thursday, Good Friday, and Saturday.

No food for those 72 hours. I am going to hit that 179 pound mark and come Easter Morning I’ll be one holy, woozy, hung-over son of a bitch.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

And now, to end…a pretty picture for your Monday morning.

Schmoop and I aren’t big Birthday people, but I did buy some flowers for Schmoop for her Birthday the other day.


Pretty, no? And what’s more romantic than placing them in a Budweiser beer stein? Nothing. Even Jeebus liked the array.


Praise be to Jeebus and to a pretty bunch of Alstromerias.

Have a lovely Monday, all.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The End of a Dream

It' going to be a glorious Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio. Sunny and 64. The Beer Mine should be hoppin' as I man it from 11-7 today.

After work, I am off to see Ryno as it may very well be the last time I see him prior to him and his mom boarding a bus at 5 A.M. Tuesday morning for his class trip to Washington, D.C.

Speaking of Ryno...He attended the District Science Fair finals yesterday. We jammed to The Cars on our way down and were laughing the whole way.

The hall was abuzz with tiny scientists displaying their mental wares.

There's Sweetman. His table looks bare and he looks sad. Oh, I know why!!

The judges told him that his petri dishes containing his bacteria samples would be considered "props". If he displayed them, he would be disqualified. Silly us...

We assumed that his BACTERIA cultures were an integral part of his BACTERIA experiment. What do we know? Frickin' Science Fascists.

Oh well...He pressed on.

There's Ryno sans samples explaining his project to two judges. The lady with her back to you was descibed by Ryno as a bitter woman who had just now been released from an old, Soviet-Era gulag.

In fact, when I mentioned that judge to him after the show this is the look that I got from him...

Ryno received an "Excellent" rating from the nice judge and merely a "Good" rating from the gulag survivor. Thus, his dream of moving on has ended. Is he upset? Eh, no.

One exhibit really caught my eye. I don't how well the kid who did this display fared, but I know that if he had entered it into a English Language Fair, he wouldn't have scored too well...

I think that this display also begs the question, "Is our children learning?"

Amen, and Amen...

On this fourth Sunday of Lent, my weight is 181. So, through my Meatlessness for the Messiah, I have dropped 6 pounds since Ash Wednesday.

Have a lovely Sunday all, and I shall see you tomorrow.

Cheers!!

It's Mardi Gras...Let's Get Wet!!

Today is Fat Tuesday…

The culmination of Mardi Gras activities through out the world.

It’s time to party up prior to the solemnity of the Lenten season setting in tomorrow.

Pass me a beer, cook me some meat, and show me your tits. This is my last chance to live it up until Easter.

It’s gonna be rockin’ down N’awlins way today. Hot drunken babes will be flashing their boobies in order to collect necklaces comprised of worthless beads.

God, I Love America!!

I am all set for Mardi Gras, or as we call it here in Bagwine, Matty Gras…

As you can see…I have my party shirt on. A beer in my hand…and beads to give away to any buxom chick who’d like to flash her fun bags at me.

In fact, I may take the beads with me to work today, and offer them to sexy female customers in exchange for a mammary flash.

If even one hot patron takes me up on my offer, my face will probably look something like this…




Of course as the carousing on Tuesday ends, Lent begins with Ash Wednesday. And thusly, my 46 days of Meatlessness for the Messiah will confront me.

Come Wednesday, with the ashen mark of Jeebus upon my forehead, my face will undoubtedly look something like this…

It will be rough come Wednesday, but in the meantime, let’s party it up today bitches.

In fact, Monday afternoon at work, the owner, Drive-By Mikey and I had a little bit of Pre-Mardi Gras fun.

You see…Even at the relatively young age of 42, Mikey owns a successful Drive-Thru business as well as a successful agri-business.

The reason? Because he is always thinking.

Yesterday, while in deep thought, he discovered that rubbing a case of bottled water with his feet makes a sound similar to the sound made during hot sex.

We videotaped it…

Yeah Baby!! Mikey and his H2-Ho.

Who says you can’t have fun at work and still do a good job?

Have a wonderful Mardi Gras all, and to my co-worker Pizza Bill…

You have GOT to leave a comment on this post.

Cheers!!