Finally!! It's Summertime in Bagwine!!

After a month and a half of cold, shitty weather, the forecast for this weekend in Bagwine, Ohio is calling for temps near the 80 Degree mark, and...

My mood is slowly thawing out and improving.

Sure, I'll be working the Beer Mine most of the weekend, but that's fine, because warmth has finally come to Bagwine.

Along with the explosion of warmer weather comes the proliferation of summertime type events.

People throughout the Greater Bagwine Metroplex will finally be able to enjoy a myriad of warm clime, fun time activities... 

Some folks will hit the diamonds and play some baseball...

Others will hit the local lake at the state park and drown some worms...

The local state park also has great camping facilities that will surely be utilized this weekend...

Others may opt to simply stay home and enjoy the weather and a casual cookout with friends...

I know what Schmoop likes to do when it finally heats up.  She likes to find an opening in the time/space continuum, travel back to 1984, and go tubin' down the Mad River...

This is all exciting stuff for the denizens of our little burg, however, there is something even more exciting that happens when the weather heats up 'round here.

I not only work the Beer Mine while wearing no underwear, I begin to show off my incredibly sexy, massive, Adonis-like legs...

Uh-Huh...Try to calm down, O ladies of Bagwine; my legs will be showin' for a few months to come, so pace yourselves.

Yep.  It's summertime, and the Matt-Man is easy.

Cheers!!

Black History Month: Black Like Matt-Man

February may not be the warmest month of the year but it certainly is action packed.

We just had Groundhog Day. This Sunday is the Super Bowl and the birthday of yours truly. Also this month, we have Valentine’s Day, Mardi Gras, President’s Day, and…

On the 17th, Ash Wednesday kicks off Lent along with my 46 day long Breadless Journey for Jeebus, but there’s another big event going on this month.

It’s Black History Month, and Matt-Man is all over that like ebony on a Sri Lankan wood carving. Boo Yah and Word, Bitches.

My hometown of Bagwine, Ohio is rich and well-represented in the area of black history and culture.

Former World Featherweight boxing champion Davey Moore was a resident. Johnny Lytle, one of the greatest vibe players ever was a Bagwiner, as is current multi-Grammy winning recording artist John Legend.

But…

There’s a guy I grew up with who has made an enormous and lasting impact upon African-American culture and we to this day, remain close friends.

All through junior high and high school, one of my very best friends was a guy named Van Camp Jones, or as I call him, “Beans”.

We were close. I was close with his sister, Edwina as well. Their parents called her, Weenie. All through those glorious times, it was me, and Beans and Weenie.

We were like a tight knit Minstrel Show act, however the only black face I wore was when I was having sex with Weenie. Nothin’ like havin’ some hot weenie on Weenie action, but I digress.

Back to my original point and the significance of Van Camp Jones in black culture.

After High School, Beans got a job working at the local landfill in Bagwine. It was a good job. He inspected what people were bringing in to make sure nothing toxic got through.

It was during his tenure there some 26 years ago, that Beans would spontaneously originate a phrase that to this day remains a staple of the black and urban lexicon.

One Friday evening right before the dump closed for the day, a huge chick pulled up to the entrance. She was driving a big ol’ Electra 225 with the ass end of it straight up and wide open exposing the ton of old furniture and trash that was contained inside.

Beans stopped her at the gate.

The massive woman got out of her car, thunderously waddled over to Beans and said, “Tell me where to go to dump all of this old furniture n’ shit.”

Beans replied, “You ain’t dumpin’ all of that here today, ma’am. We’s gettin’ ready to close.” The corpuscular woman jumped up and down, and screamed…

“Why the hell won’t you take my trash?”

Beans, shouting in order to be heard over the quaking ground said,

“Cuz…there ain’t enough time today. You gots too much junk in your trunk, Bitch!!”

The infuriated woman drove away, but not before the urban phrase, “junk in your trunk” had been born.

To this day, Beans wishes he had known what he had set in motion, for he often thinks how grand his life would be today had he copyrighted that phrase some 26 years ago.

But it’s okay. We're still a two man posse. He even calls me his favorite nigga.

In fact, since I am off today,Beans and I are going to kick-off Black History Month together later this afternoon.

He and I are going to drink some Wild Irish Rose and watch the Tyra Banks Show with the sound turned down as we listen to my collection of Rick James CDs.

As for his sister Edwina? She’s still around too. She opened a restaurant near Bagwine that serves nothing but variations of hot dogs. It’s called, “Just Weenies”.

Yeah, I know.

Here’s to Black History Month, Bitches. Have a wonderful Wednesday.

Cheers!!

Three Babes, and Two COWS

When I left my home and family, I was no more…

Okay wait…that sounded like the beginning of a Simon and Garfunkle song. Let me begin again.

When I left the safe confines of a marriage and a very nice house nearly eight years ago, I had plenty of material things.

I don’t have those now, but…I do have several new friends, and one very special one.

Friends that I would have never have met had I stayed in that relationship.

Friends so dear, that they are willing to get partially naked for me. And those, my dear readers, are the very best friends to have.

I present to you, the initial installment of: The Bagwine Babes

First, and foremost, is my best buddy in the entire world, Schmoop. I love her to pieces, and she looks so hot in the coolness of black and white. And she may be, as far as adults go, the nicest person I have ever met. Okay…Back off Jay.

Secondly, we have my mutual blog crush, and all-around hot Land of Lincolner, Dana. She is perhaps, the only Republican with whom I would have sex.

Much like the Schmoopster, she is not only hot, but funny and quite intelligent. I am so glad that she frequents my blog.

And lastly, we have Motley. Motley is only 19, so yes, being 43, I felt kinda creepy putting her on here, but dammit, how could I not?

She was last week’s COW winner and went to the trouble of writing my name on her most nubile, and edible thigh.

How can one, not give out props for that? Thanks Motley, and tell your mom, Winter, that I love her too.



So, there you have it. Three hot chicks who have succumbed to the piquant bite of the Bagwine. Who will be next? Anyone? Oh dear God, I hope so.

And now, our Bagwine Ruminations Comment of the Week…


It was tough this week because for whatever reason, all of you guys were some damn funny mo-foes. But I have, come up with not one, but two worthy recipients…

First off the sexiest chick in the Willamette Valley, the uber-adorable Cheesy…

She had a comment about my post on California gay marriage from yesterday that went exactly like this:

“a lesbian couple who are 83 and 87 years old got married. Witnesses are describing the ceremony as beautiful and the honeymoon as horrifying.”

Cheesy has had many a funny comment over the last couple years, she is long due for this. Check her site out by clicking HERE. You’ll be glad you did.

And the other?

It is from Wednesday’s post about my visit from the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Relatively new reader, Dianne, left a comment about how she had a spiritual awakening and came to find me…

“I got entangled in a church Baby Jeebus parade and there he was! in the plaster! himself!

I didn't know what it meant then since I hadn't found you yet but as I jammed my car through the crowd reverently exclaiming - "get the fuck back on the sidewalk cretins" Baby Jeebus looked deep into my eyes and whispered.

"Seek out the Matt-Man bitch"…

Is that touching or what? To check out Dianne’s site click HERE.

I hope you do stop by everybody’s site that I have mentioned, and more importantly...

I hope that you wear some Bagwine clothes and/or write my name on your body, take a picture and become a Bagwine Babe.

Hey, it’s all I have to look forward to.

Cheers!!