Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiday so slap me on the ass and call me Sally, ‘cause I’m off today and I’m feeling pretty.

Have to walk up to the Beer Mine and get my check this morning. I like the walk. I enjoy passing people and saying, “Hi” and smiling. It makes me feel good.

It’s going to be 80 today and Pizza Bill is working 10-9, so just like last Friday, I am putting out an Ass-Chap Alert. Da boy’s ass doesn’t take to the heat too well. My thumb nails need clipped.

Sent Doc some Grippo’s BBQ potato chips…I hope he got them. Love da Grippo’s. I just love to eat, period. I think I’m making hamburgers for Schmoop and I tonight.

Ha…my post yesterday talked about burgers but it wasn’t really about hamburgers. I was being metaphoric. I like saying that word…“metaphoric.”

I don’t like the word, sophomoric…or sophomore, for that matter. Why is there an o after the h? No one I know says, Soph-O-More. They and I say, Soph-More.

It’s like the word, February. Who pronounces the first r?

I don’t, and I was born in February. I don’t say Feb-Roo-Ary. I say, Feb-Yoo-Ary.

If you pronounce it, Feb-Roo-Ary, you are a pretentious fuck and I hate you….unless you pronounce it like that and happen to be a hot chick with big tits.

You know…I have a packet of Parmesan noodles and sauce that would go well with our fresh, hand made burgers. Love noodles. Any type, size, shape…noodles and I get along really well.

I have met so many cool people on my blog, Facebook, and Twitter. The majority are hot babes. I like that. I bet if I run into any of them I would get naked with them. Ha kidding…

Actually I would probably give them a fist bump. Odd huh?

I don’t know what it is. It just feels right when I run into a person that I like. I’m not trying to be hip or anything. Hmmmmm?

Okay, yes, definitely a fist bump…annnnnnnd thennnnn I’d have sex with my new found friends.

Egads…My balls itch. Does that mean visitors are coming? Ha…My balls itch and Pizza Bill is going to have a bad case of ass chap today. Just call us the Yeasty Boyz. Hee Hee.

There is a new President of Nigeria. His name is Goodluck Jonathan. What the fuck kinda name is that? President Jonathan?

How do you wish him well? Good luck, Goodluck. I’m serious…his first name is Goodluck. Wacky Nigerians.

Just saw Rachel Maddow on TV. She’s a lesbian. A big honkin’ lezzzzzbo.

While I dig watching two hot babes get it on for my viewing pleasure, I have never understood real lesbian couples.

How come two chicks get together because they don’t want to be with men, and oft times one of the chicks feels compelled to look, act, and dress like a dude? I never have understood that.

Speaking of women who look like guys, Keith Olbermann is an asshole.

Jesus…I am freakin’ horny. I need to get laid. I mean, sure my hand does well enough, but it has no tits. I really like tits….and noodles.

Have a wonderful Friday all, and Good luck, Goodluck.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Grippo's Is, The Fun Food Company!!

It’s going to be an unsettled Sabbath weather wise in Bagwine, Ohio today, but it should be a great day wise guy wise.

I love having Sundays off. Sunday is a state of mind. What does that mean, you ask? I haven’t a fucking clue, but it sounds nice.

I worked 11-9 Saturday and I always expect that I’ll have a story or two to tell you on Sunday about some nutjob that came through the Beer Mine, but alas…

Everyone who came thorough yesterday was relatively normal. I hate when that happens.

I did however, capture this glorious picture…

What is glorious about it? This is a picture of Grippo’s potato chips. They are made in Cincinnati, Ohio, and we sell the spuds out of them.

I show you this because Bagwine buddy, Mrs. D. mentioned in a tweet on Friday, that they are the best damn BBQ chips evah. And…she would be correct.

Grippo’s are to BBQ potato chips what Kim Kardashian is to ass…Big, beautiful, and full of flavor. Yum, and Purrrrrr.

I rarely endorse a product, but damn, these are the crack of potato chips. And, because I am such a nice guy, BBQ chip devotee, Doc, expressed interest in trying some, so sweet ol’ Matt-Man will be sending him a bag o’ Grippo’s BBQ chips. Praise Jeebus!!

If you are into Salt and Vinegar chips, which I am, the same thing applies. Grippo’s are un-fucking-surpassed.

And folks…that’s all I have today. No, seriously. Oh, wait, one more thing…

There are quite a few people who now refer to me as Matty. Not Matt…Not Matt-Man…but Matty.

Only one person for the majority of my life, ever called me that and that was a girlfriend of mine some 25-30 years ago.

Have I lost my edginess? Has my innate niceness which I try to hide, surfaced? Have I become, oh dear God, a Matty?

Say it isn’t so!!

Amen, and Amen.

Have a wonderful Sunday all, and as always…

Cheers!!

A pictoral addendum based on Scott's comment below has been added. Poor fella can't get his favorite chips 'cause the silly boy moved to Spain...

Baby Girl Says, "Death to Jeebus!!"

The Christmas season is a time of year that I still enjoy with all of the exuberance and joviality that I did when I was but a wee lad.

However, Christmas is a bit of a conundrum as well. It brings out three different things in people.

It brings out the best in people. It brings out the worst in people. And…

IT BRINGS OUT THE STUPID IN PEOPLE!!

See the picture of the cute, innocent looking doll? Don’t be fooled by her puerile charm.

Beneath that girly façade lies the automated heart and soul of an Islamo-Fascist mind control expert.

Her name? Little Mommy Real Loving Baby Cuddle & Coo Doll. Her game? Converting your 3-7 year old to the darkness that is Islam.

Mattel, specifically Fisher-Price, is trying to taint the birthday celebration of the Baby Jeebus by marketing a doll that says, “Islam is the Light.”

That is what those chicks with far too much time on their hands over at Moms Ask Mattel for Accountability (MAMA) are claiming…and railing against.

Here’s video evidence…

Stunning, no? I am shocked and outraged that Mattel would permit such a thing. Just think of the ramifications…

This Christmas morning, little 4 year old Suzy will be playing with Cuddly and Coo, and next Christmas she’ll be wearing a burkha and strapping a dirty bomb to herself.

Those bastard toy makers. They knew full well that little girls across America would pick through the electronic mutterings of the doll and succumb to its prime directive…Convert the Infidels!!

Iranians? Pffft, they got nothing. Hamas? Dirt eaters. Al-Qaida? Pussies. These groups are paper tigers in the grand scheme of things.

We should be more concerned about the 9 year old factory workers in China who mass produce these Muslim Mannequins of Death for Mattel.

Our Christianity and American way of life are being threatened by this toy of terror, and I’d like to thank these assholes MAMA for bringing it to our attention.

Godspeed you morons beauties of activism for our Almighty Lord and Savior, Little Baby Jeebus.

And now some pictures…

I splurged and bought us a new tree today. I call her, “Treesa”.

If you read yesterday’s post you may have picked up on the fact that my kid loves Grippo’s Bar-B-Q potato chips. They’re the best. And so, one present I have bought for him is this…

Yep, a whole case…Three pounds of Grippo’s Goodness. Lastly…I bought a new festive chapeau…


Anyone want to sit on Matta-Claus’s lap? Ho Ho Ho.

Cheers!!