Jack Link's, Projectile Bleeding, and Hate Mongering

I have four different topics to touch upon today…a quartet of musings if you will, on this Tuesday. So, I call today…

Matt-Man’s Tuesings.

First off…

Monday of last week, I wrote a sweet little post about how excited my 16 year old Ryno was by receiving some Jack Link’s Beef Jerky from me for Easter because he loves the stuff and hadn’t eaten it in about eighteen months because of his braces which had recently come off for good.

Well my friends, the fine folks at Jack Link’s read my post and last Thursday I received a very nice letter from Kristina Phernetton who works in their Consumer Relations Department.

Along with the typical form letter, there was a nice personal note from Ms. Phernetton as well as a coupon for some free Jack Link’s Beef Jerky which my son has already happily utilized.

I want to thank Jack Link’s and Ms. Phernetton for taking the time to read my blog and send a nicety along to my son. It’s proof positive that while not an everyday occurrence, good customer relations are not dead.

Because of their fantastic response, Jayman and I have named Jack Link’s Beef Jerky the Official Beef Jerky of our Blog Talk Radio show, I’m With Stupid. Here’s to you guys, and of course, ladies.

Speaking of I’m With Stupid…Jayman and I produced another award winning show this past Saturday.

We recapped the Royal Wedding, and previewed the Saturday visit of our Bagwine guests which unfortunately although I was here for it, was unable to attend due to premature unconsciousness due to an early imbibing of Wild Irish Rose.

Please give our show a listen by utilizing this handy dandy BTR machine. It’ll be worth your while. It was pretty funny:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Lastly…

I heard the question asked many times Sunday night and Monday, a question similar to what was asked on and after 9/11.

Where were you when you heard that Osama Bin Laden was pronounced dead?

You know where I was? I was in the hall of our apartment building on the phone with appropriately enough, 911!!

You see, my neighbor and I’m With Stupid’s fave intern Little Jimmy Stewart had just rung my doorbell. He was standing the in hallway bleeding profusely from his right hand.

I’m talking projectile bleeding folks, utter pain, and apoplexy due to a kitchen accident, he pleaded with me to call the paramedics.

I did, and I stayed on the phone with the dispatcher as I sat Jim down on the floor and tightly held pressure to his bleeding hand with two dish towels as I raised his arm above his head.

The paramedics arrived quickly and whisked Little Jimmy to the hospital. He has a few stitches and all is now well. Once again, Matt-Man saved the day. I am such a giver.

Speaking of the killing of Bin Laden…Monday was both quite an amusing and somewhat depressing day.

On the blogosphere, Twitter, and Facebook, political ideologies once again yet not unexpectedly to me, raised their ugly and cynical heads.

Some chick who is bitter that Bin Laden was killed during Obama’s presidency defriended me on Facebook. Another kooky chick ranted on Twitter about what a farce and “mediawhore” Obama is.

Talk radio downplayed Obama’s success in the action taken.

I voted for Hillary Clinton in the 2008 primary, and although not a huge fan of President Obama, voted for him in the general election, and this past day and a half I have discovered something.

Some people question Obama’s patriotism, his “Americanism”...in fact, some doubt his origin of birth.

Some of the comments I heard from hateful, ideological clowns who loathe Obama prove at least one thing…

President Obama is far more "American" than are they.

Cheers!!

Osama Bin Laden Dead !! Donald Trump Demands To See Death Certificate !!

Today, Bagwine Ruminations takes a back seat to the news of the elmination of a bit of evil in the world with the death of Osama "Dead Eye" Bin Laden.

Here's to the the Administration, the Intel Community, and the U.S. Navy Seals.

Enjoy the news...Bagwine Ruminations will return to normal abnormality tomorrow.

Cheers!!

(I want to thank Jayman for turning me on to the amusing picture.)

Miss Bee, Sarge Charlie, and their Readers...One Fucked Up Bunch

“You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.”

--Anne Lamott

I was reading Uncle Charlie’s wife’s blog the other day and said to myself…

“Holy shit…This is one fucked up chick.”

After I thought about her as a person, who by the way, evidently digs everything confectionary in nature, I thought this…

“Man, how do you live with all of this hate, honey?”

Let me ‘splain…

Uncle Charlie? He’s a moron from the get go. His readers are all Glenn Beck wannabes.

They all hate Obama and everything he tries to do. Even if Obama found a cure for every form of cancer known to man, they wouldn't like it, because…

Well, that would be government involvement…Anyhoo…for his wife, Miss Bee…She may may be more of moron than Charlie.

Schmoop says to me, “Why do you bother yourself with these idiots? They are small potatoes.”

To which I always say, “I shall leave no asshole unturned.” I just can’t help myself.

Well, the other day, I saw that Miss Bee said the following, relating to a conversation that she had with some friends:

"Finally after swallowing my tongue a time or two I asked them how they thought Obama was doing with regard to Israel. Not so good. Hmmm. Actually I think my exact words were "How is that Muslim you voted for taking care of Israel?".

First of all…fuck Israel. The government, not the people. Israel which is allegedly a “successful” democracy, is nothing more than an American shekel pit. Let God save them.

Secondly…Miss Bee is a hypocrite, a jerk, and an asshole, and here’s why…

I commented on Charlie’s site about her post and told him, her, and their readers, that they are pretty much nothing but hate-filled assholes…in a nice way of course. And, I got this…

"matt man, stay off my blog! if i weren't a lady i'd say fuck the hell off my blog! how's that for hate???

i am sick to death of you fake lefties and i don't bother you, please don't bother me.

i read something yesterday that said obama's dog has papers but he doesn't. i wonder why.
smiles,
bee"

So here we have a tea-baggin’ chick, who wants fewer taxes, more personal autonomy, less government control, and yet, wants my opinion stifled. Un-fucking-believable.

And seriously…What the hell is a, “fake leftie?” I’m liberal and make no bones about it. I just happen to be smart about it, whereas…

Miss Bee has an IQ which is far beneath her desire for reality…or donuts.

Schmoop initially asked me not to write this, but after I explained a few things I said…

“Shit…If one believes and follows the teachings of Christ, I am so more Christian than these two knuckle-fuck assholes are.”

And yeah…I am.

Cheers!!

The Cynical Bastard Bounced Me Into Building a Blog Banner

Happy Hump Day, Kids!!

At work Tuesday, I was thinking humorous thoughts and jotting down notes about what I thought President Obama should say during tonight's State of the Union address.

I got home about 7:15 P.M., cracked open a beer, and fired up the ol' Bagwine computer.

After checking my e-mail which contained nothing but spam, I answered a couple of comments on my site and then headed over to Jay's site.

I found, much to my chagrin, that he had already written a very funny post about Obama's aforementioned SOTU address. I was quite pissed amused.

So...

I started creating possible banners for the new website I am working on in order to get comedy gigs, pundit spots, and the like.

I came up with a couple of variations on the same idea. I was taking into consideration that I don't want to be known as merely a comic, but also one who can provide a humorous and non-ideological commentary on social and political issues.

With that in mind...Here is what I have come up wit thus far. Let me know what ya think if you have a minute. And please, if you hate it, let me know...I can take it.

Sample Number One:

Colorful Commentary for Our Black and White Times


Sample Number Two:

That's all I gots, Bitches...

I'm off for three straight days and I'll be OCD'ing over this new site the entire time. I hope the beer helps me to cope.

Cheers!!

Martin Luther King, Jr. Day: His Dream Lives On...

Today is the day we in the United States observe the birthday, and honor the life and accomplishments of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Rev. King spent his entire life trying to mold this nation and indeed the world into a place where all people are created equal and are judged not by the color of their skin, but rather the content of their character.

He was a leader defined by his own words as being one who is not a searcher of consensus, but a molder of consensus.

King was courageous, intelligent, and an unwavering force in the civil rights movement. He broke down barriers that confronted the black community in this country.

His eloquence is exceeded only by accomplishments in tearing down those barriers, and while his life was cut short by an assassin’s bullet in 1968, his eloquence and legacy live on through others who have built upon King’s vision and have continued his dream…

Rev. Jesse Jackson has continued King’s dream of understanding and unity by calling Jews, “hymies”, accusing Barack Obama of being “too white”, and fathering an illegitimate child.

As King said, “A man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent.”

Knowing this quote well, Jackson evidently hooked up with a straight chick and rode her from the front.

Decades after his death, King’s message of racial and cultural harmony still echoes whenever Rev. Al Sharpton speaks. This is very evident when Sharpton speaks on the importance of education as he did at Kean College in 1994:

“White folks was in caves while we was building empires...We taught philosophy and astrology and mathematics before Socrates and them Greek homos ever got around to it.”

Damn straight, Al!!

Gary Coleman, Jimmie J.J. Walker, and The View co-host Sherri Shepherd, are proof positive that black Americans, like many of their white counterparts, need no talent in order to have a career in the entertainment industry.

King’s words, live on not only in the collective consciousness of America’s black population. His words live on in the action of white Americans as well.

Nearly every day, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and her idolaters remind us all of something King said long ago…

“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

His words and vision certainly do transcend time and race. It’s a shame that he didn’t live long enough to see and hear these people distort continue his dream and his work.

He would be proud of these folks, but he would be even more proud of the fact that a light skinned African-American who has no negro dialect unless he wanted to have one, was elected President of the United States.

Yeah…King’s determination, courage, vision, and eloquence sure do live on in our times, don’t they?

Cheers!!

No Negro Dialect Unless He Wanted To Have One..? Sen. Harry Reid, Keepin' It Real

If you follow political news, you are aware that Senate Majority Leader, Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV) is in some hot water for comments he made about President Obama in the new book, Game Change by Bagwine faves, John Heilemann and Mark Halperin.

Sometime during the 2008 Presidential campaign, Reid said that the country was ready for a, "light-skinned" African-American president with "no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.”

Republicans are all over Reid’s comments like white on rice, and some are demanding that he step down from his post as Senate Majority Leader.

Sens. John Cornyn (R-TX) and Jon Kyl (R-AZ) have said that there should be as much outrage over these comments as there was over former Senator Trent Lott’s (R-MS) comments back in 2002.

They both fail to say that Lott’s comments suggested that we’d be better off today if Strom Thurmond had been elected President in 1948, because we’d still have separate bathrooms for blacks and whites, separate lunch counters, and me having sex with Tyra Banks would be frowned upon unless of course she was my maid, servant, or general purpose house nigger.

So to me…there is a big difference as to what Harry Reid said and what Lott said. In fact, Harry Reid was exactly correct.

Evidently America, at least the section that votes, was ready for a light skinned African-American who has no negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.

And let me tell you folks…Obama sometimes does like throwing a bit of negro dialect around.

I have it on solid information that he refers to his Secret Service cadre as, “my posse”. He calls Joe Biden, “my homie”, and often addresses CIA Director Leon Panetta as, “Snoop Dog”.

He even refers to Air Force One as, “My Tricked Out Seven-Hoopty-Seven”. So c’mon folks…Sen. Reid was merely keepin’ it real.

I guess the main furor is over the fact that Reid used the word, “negro”. What’s the big deal? There’s a perfectly good reason why he did that.

Reid’s a Mormon.

Mormons have had issues with black people for decades. Hell, they have only allowed the black, Satanic, race of Cain the opportunity to become priests and enter the Mormon Temple since 1978.

While many non-Mormon Americans didn’t replace the use of the word “nigger” with “negro” until some 100 years after the Emancipation Proclamation, Harry Reid did it in a mere 30 years after blacks were emancipated in the eyes of the Mormon Church.

I’d say that proves that ol’ Harry is on the cutting edge and three times quicker than other Americans when it comes to cultural sensitivity, accepting change, and as I said, keepin’ it real.

Sen. Reid doesn’t just confine his honesty to how he feels about President Obama and negroes either. No sir-ree. He’s an equal opportunity truth teller as evidenced by this statement he made at a press conference some time ago…

"My staff tells me not to say this, but I'm going to say it anyway, in the summer because of the heat and high humidity, you could literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol. It may be descriptive but it's true."

See folks? Harry Reid has always been and was in this case about Obama, telling the truth...which leads me to one conclusion, and one conclusion only…

If you hate Sen. Harry Reid…you hate the truth.

Cheers!!

If you'd like to watch it...Here's a good video put together by Newsy that covers multiple angles of the Reid controversy...

Miley Cyrus Naked!!

We are a full week into 2010 and you know what I have found thus far?

It’s been pretty damn boring. Don’t get me wrong; boring can be good, but not when one is trying write about people who do stupid and/or funny things. Even our President isn’t giving up any laughs.

President Obama? Pfffffft.

Talk about boring. I find it un-American that our current Comedian-in-Chief is about as funny as having over a half gallon of infected, liquid lung funk drained from the right side of my chest.

Even my first three days off of 2010 were bromidic and drab. I was going to work on my new website Wednesday through Friday, but got next to nothing done.

The main reason was that Schmoop was home “sick” Thursday and Friday. When she is home during those times it completely disrupts my routine. My OCD is shaken to its foundation and I become Rain Man.

I know, some of you are thinking, “Well, dumb ass why didn’t you try to enjoy some sick day sex with Schmoop while she was home.”

I couldn’t. Schmoop is in the midst of her monthly basement flooding. So, when I even broached the subject I was met with Schmoop saying…

“Quit humping my arm. Why don’t you and your OCD go alphabetize the cans of soup and empty all of the ashtrays again, ya freak!!”

I did have Schmoop, as you can see on this post, take random pictures of me for my new site. But other than that, these past days have been commonplace and uneventful.

And now…I return to work today, and the crappy Saturday shift at that. I work 4 P.M. until 9 P.M. It really muddles the day. Plus, it is going to be 17 degrees when I get there and 13 when I leave. Brrrrr.

Oh well, maybe something funny will happen at work tonight. Every time a customer pulls in, there is the potential of hearing something stupid that I have never heard before. One can hope.

January has always been a relatively boring month, I guess. Around here it is always cold, gray, and unfunny.

That is why I used the title that I did. I thought if I titled this post, “Miley Cyrus Naked!!”, anyone trying to spice up their vapid, sterile January would be excited to see a hit pop up when doing a Google search.

Plus, when I titled one of my posts, “Megan Fox and Heidi Montag Naked” weeks ago it did and continues to send over 100 new visitors to my site every day. So, it is a win-win.

As Schmoop will be doing laundry at her mom’s today, I do have some alone time this morning. I may do Schmoop’s taxes this morning. Then again…

I may listen to the radio and look at plus sized lingerie sites on the internets. Or…

I may make a countdown clock for my site that denotes the time left until November 23, 2010. Why that date, you ask?

That’s when Miley Cyrus turns 18, and if I ever do get pictures of Miley naked it’ll be all legal like and what not.

Until the ’morrow my friends…try to find some excitiement in your lives and as always…

Cheers!!

Thanksgiving Recipe: Football, Food, and Hold the Blathering

I am looking forward to this Thanksgiving more than any other in recent memory.

Why? Because I have become so fucking bored and addle-minded due to all of the political punditry, prognostication, and repetition of the same vapid crap on the cable “news” shows.

Thanksgiving will offer me a respite from all of this.

Health Care…Anymore, when an “in-the know” panel begins to discuss and debate Health Care reform, my eyes glaze over…my ass hole tightens…and the left side of my upper lip twitches.

I hope that if anything in this area does gets passed, that my syndrome will be covered.

But nothing substantial, if anything will get passed. And why should it? If there is nothing in any proposed bill to control costs, what’s the damn point?

I think my breaking point on this entire issue was when the Senate debated eight hours on a vote that would allow debate on the Senate bill.

And here I thought that our legislators were already there to debate such issues. Silly Matt-Man. Pffffft.

Sarah Palin…Oh Dear GAWD!! I can’t believe I am saying this, but…I am sick of hearing from and about Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin. I know, she is a source of comedy, but her empty-headedness has reached the point of the mundane.

She’s not going to be President. She’s not a force to be reckoned with. She’s a half-term iglooramus that is going to make a lot of money and have a talk show some day.

Good for her, now go make a made for TV movie of her life and show it on the Lifetime Network.

Lifetime could debut her movie right after a showing of the TV cinematic event…God’s Favorite Vegetable: The Terri Schiavo Story.

Ugh…It’s the same old shit. Climate change. I don’t really care. I mean, I want a clean, freely spinning on its axis Earth, but stop the moaning and gnashing of teeth folks. We’ll live to see another day.

And now? There’s the this whole Afghanistan thing. When will Obama make up his mind? When will he stop dithering? Pfffft. Who fucking cares?

Obama is taking his time on a strategy, good for him.

It is almost winter in Afghanistan and there isn’t going to be a whole helluva lot going on for a few months. Maybe his options suck because they all have us staying in Afghanistan for several years.

I say we buy up the poppy fields. Employ the Afghans to cultivate and harvest them and sell the crop to the pharmaceutical companies so they can produce all of the medicinal opiates that they need.

We take our cut, and the rest of the money can be used to build infrastructure, schools, and housing. On top of that, the unemployment rate in Afghanistan would be like 4%. That’s how you make people happy.

See? Unlike other talking heads…I have just defined victory in Afghanistan. Happy Afghans.

And please network talking heads…Quit saying that Obama, in order to decide our strategy, has convened his “war council”.

War Council? WTF?

Are we living in 14th Century England and Obama is King Edward III discussing plans for the Battle of Crécy?

Just…Stop…It…

Anyhoo. Thanksgiving will offer me the opportunity to eat, drink, and watch TV that will be devoid of all of this blathering for nearly four full days.

I am very much looking forward to all of the coverage of football, sappy family stories, and video of early morning shoppers storming the stores for Christmas bargains.

For that, I am truly thankful.

Cheers!!

While Obama Wins The Nobel Peace Prize, The Man In The Moon Weeps

Okay bitches...It was announced some six or seven hours ago that President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Eh...Yeah, I think it's and outrage as well. I mean, how can the Nobel Committee award the Nobel Prize for Peace on the same day that Obama allowed NASA to attack the Man in the Moon?

I am shocked...Nay, Outraged!!

Seriously...I think Obama winning this award is pretty silly. He has yet to accomplish anything of significance in the realm of world peace...yet.

He very well may, at some point during his tenure as President of the U.S., but right now? Eh, not so much.

I will say this...I am already hearing right wing talk show hosts and their callers raise hell about this award. I have a message for those folks.

Obama had nothing to do with this honor. If you want to be angry and rabid, go bite the leg of the Nobel Prize Committee.

If that advice doesn't assuage your hatred of Obama...Curl up into a fetal position, listen to Limbaugh and Beck, and keep an eye out for unmarked, black helicopters hovering above your house.

Oh, and if you could? Say a prayer for the Man in the Moon...

Cheers!!

Obama And The 2016 Olympics: Bring Them To Chicago And Bring Me Heidi Zadeh!!

We are in the middle of a Health Care Reform and economic crisis folks and what does President Obama plan on doing about it?

Hopping aboard Air Force One and flying off to wonderful, wonderful, Copenhagen…Yep, his wife Michelle is already in Denmark, and the President will be flying there tonight.

Why is President Obama traipsing off to the land of Hans Christian Andersen, Heidi Zadeh, and Havarti?

He is trying to influence the International Olympic Committee in their decision as to what city will host the 2016 Summer Olympics.

The Obamas are trying to rally support and votes from the IOC in hopes that Chicago will be chosen to be that host city.

I dig that…but others? Not so much.

Loons on right wing talk radio and cable are going nuts.

House GOP Leader John Boehner (R-OH) and GOP Chairman Michael “Distempered” Steele are saying President Obama should stay in Washington, D.C. and focus on more pressing problems, such as Health Care Reform and jobs.

Steele, Boehner, and right wing talking heads? Get off your podium of stupid and please restrain yourselves from trying to make political gold out of an also-ran issue. Seriously…you look stupid.

If Obama can help bring the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chicago, U.S.A., what the hell is wrong with that? Hello? Anyone, Anyone? Bueller?

I really don’t think Obama going to wonderful, wonderful, Copenhagen is going to make or break any progress on any Health Care Reform or job creation plan that Steele or Boehner really don’t give a shit about anyway.

And listen…It’s 2009 and not 1901, and Obama is not William McKinley. In this day and age, we have planes and everything. Yes we do, fellas!!

It’s not as though it’s late July 1901 and Obama is President McKinley hopping aboard the ocean liner, Fürst Bismarck.

And then, as McKinley would have, steam to Hamburg in order to address the IOC in hopes of bringing the 1912 Olympics to Buffalo.

After meeting with the IOC, McKinley then would have to steam back to the States, hop on a train, and arrive in Buffalo a month after his departure on September 6th, 1901.

Of course McKinley would have to break the news to hopeful Buffalonians that the IOC had awarded the 1912 Olympics to Stockholm.

Of course upon hearing the bad news, Leon Czolgosz would be so depressed that he would shoot McKinley twice at point blank range, and McKinley would die eight days later. You see…

Czolgosz was not only an Anarchist, he was a world class triple jumper, but with the news, his Olympic hopes were forever dashed.

He would then take his depression out on McKinley in the form of hot lead. Perhaps ol' Leon should have entered a shooting event.

Fortunately, that is not how it is today…Obama is going to be gone about 24 hours…if that. He has a plane, computers, and other nifty gadgets. Yes he does, fellas!!

He will only be out of town for a few hours and after that, Boehner, Steele, and his ilk can go back to doing nothing while Obama is in town, rather than whining while he is out of town.

If Obama can help bring the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chi-Town, what the hell is the problem with that? Jeebus Christ ya phony fucks. Quit makin’ an issue out of it.

Oh…one word to President O-Man. If you get a chance, my man, look up Heidi Zadeh and ask her the following for me…

"Kan vi få nøgen?"

Thank you Mr. President, and...

Cheers!!

Tea Party March On Washington, D.C.: FOX News And Glenn Beck Aren't Fair and Balanced; They're Steeping The Tea!!

I mentioned yesterday that I was just flat out pissed off and disgusted with what I saw on the FOX News coverage of the Tea Party march on Washington, D.C.

As one who appreciates loud, proud, and sassy civil disobedience, don’t think for a moment that I feel that these tea baggers shouldn’t have descended on our Nation’s Capitol.

However…I was disturbed by a couple of things that I saw.

First of all FOX News…

I heard inflated attendance numbers given by the moronic numb nut Griff Jenkins. I watched and listened to Glenn Beck heaping praise upon the protestors as his eyes “welled-up” with pride.

Former Congressman and House Majority Leader Dick Armey, whose group FreedomWorks Foundation has sponsored and financed many of these events, talked about the “spontaneous and grassroots” movement that is taking place.

Many in the crowd, when placed in front of a FOX News microphone by the aforementioned Griff Jenkins, returned the praise given by Glenn Beck by thanking him and FOX News for helping to get their message out.

Fair and Balanced, alright. FOX News is as fair as Rachel Maddow is an open-minded chick who likes guys and as balanced as Keith Olbermann is not a guy who is full of himself. Puhleeeeze, how the hell do you guys say that with a straight face?

Anyhoo…The Teabaggers…I heard the same old tired crap. “Obama is a Socialist!!” Now, let me do my best Joe Pesci and ask:

A Socialist, how? A Marxist? A Trotskyite? A Stalinist? An Uber-Hot, Blonde, Swedish Chick Who Lives in Stockholm? Exactly what do you mean by Socialist? Oh that’s right…You haven’t a God Damn clue!!

Then I saw posters and signs throwing the tired, old Nazi label on Obama.

Hmmmm…The only time I have ever seen a black Nazi was when I saw the late Ivan Dixon portray one a couple of times on Hogan’s Heroes during one of their wacky, wartime capers.

Glenn Beck recently released a book titled, “Glenn Beck’s Common Sense”. The title sums up the book correctly, well…halfway anyway.

It’s Beck’s book alright, I mean, other than the title that he creatively borrowed from Thomas Paine, but it’s far from common sense.

And the tea baggers who marched on D.C. Saturday that Beck helped to inspire, displayed the same lack of common sense that spews from Beck’s mouth on a daily basis.

I heard shouts of, “We’re losing our liberties!!” “It’s Communism!!” Hell, I was fully expecting someone to echo Beck’s words that we are now living under an “Oligarhy”. Ha.

The folks that FOX News showed and had talk on camera just threw out quick lines that injected some sense of losing freedom, Communism, Nazism, or otherwise dictatorial intent on the part of the Obama administration.

Get over it. Protest all you want. Protest loudly. Have fun with it. But please, I beg of you…

Could you refrain from merely throwing out invectives and vagaries? Seriously…put some thought into what you are protesting and put an argument behind it.

Do this not, and I will call upon Ivan Dixon to return from the dead, and in all of his Nazi glory, gun you down with his Schmeisser.

Tomorrow…I will announce the name and direction of the independent third political party that I am establishing.

Until then…I am working a rare day time shift today, so play nice while I am gone. If you can, try to keep folks in line, Phfrankie.

Cheers!!

Hey South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson...You Should Be More Like Mike Duvall

Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC)…He shouted, “You Lie” during President Obama’s address this past Wednesday.

That of course, made him look like a petulant child. But more so than being childish, you know what Joe Wilson is?

He’s a wimp…a chicken shit…a pussy.

Why do I say that? Because he apologized, then he back tracked on it to an extent, and then made a whiny fundraising video asking people for their help…and their cash.

Suck it up Joe. If you have the nerve to call Obama a liar during a joint address of Congress, man up and stand behind your claim and apologize to no one.

Dude, this is your fifteen minutes of fame dammit.

When your time is up do you want to be remembered as the congressman who called out a President or just another milquetoast politician who was trying to grab some pub and donations for your reelection?

You need to be more like your fellow Republican, California Assemblyman Mike Duvall (R-Yorba Linda)…

Well, I guess he’s now known as, FORMER Assemblyman, Mike Duvall (R-His Wife’s Doghouse).

Hell, Duvall not only cheated on his wife with an energy lobbyist, he cheated on the lobbyist with another woman. And then…

He bragged about it to Assemblyman Jeff Miller prior to a committee hearing…in the hearing room…into a microphone…for all the world to hear.

Duvall talked about how the lobbyist he was hosing liked to be spanked and how much he was really getting into it, and her. Let me tell you, Congressman Wilson…

Those are some capitol dome sized balls. Joe, you need to be more like Mike “Balls To The Wall” Duvall.

Duvall resigned of course, but man, he went out on top…or perhaps bottom, or from behind. I’m not sure which position he and his ladies preferred, but you get my point.

C’mon Wilson, don’t be a fancy pants girly man. Don’t back off your accusation. Don’t wee wee into your corn flakes and cry into a camera saying that you need the support of others.

Your shriek of, “You Lie” struck a blow for every Birther, Death Panel believing, xenophobic voter in America.

Be a man about it. Be more like Mike Duvall. Or is that a problem for you?

Maybe you’re just a coward who wears pantyhose and hi-heels and thought calling the President a liar, was a good way to play on the irrational paranoia that has come to grip a significant portion of voters.

Maybe…You, unlike Mike Duvall, don’t even like women. So which is it, Joe?

Are you a Palmetto State pantywaist, or are you a man who stands firm in what he says?

No need to answer. I already know. But if you feel you must answer, don’t tell me it’s the latter, because if you do, I’ll have only one thing to say to you…

"You Lie!!"

Cheers!!

Truthers, Birthers, Rachel Maddow, and Glenn Beck Need Not Apply

Well my friends…President Obama addressed Congress last night outlining what he wanted to see in the way of a Health Care Reform bill.

I thought it was a pretty good speech, in spite of amateurish Congressman Joe Wilson (R-SC) screaming at the President, “You Lie”. C’mon Joe...classless, rude, and stupid is no way to go through life son.

Anyhoo…

Will Obama get what he wants? Will Congress do anything substantial? Eh, I doubt it. Today’s Congress is far too polarized and representatives are far too self serving.

And, because of their propensity for inaction and off the wall claims toward each other from both Democrats and Republicans, I have decided to form a third party. And yes, I am serious.

I know; there are a number of third parties out there…

The Libertarian Party. I have a huge Libertarian streak that runs through me, but as I do enjoy drinking coffee that doesn’t contain shit, I appreciate government run wastewater treatment plants.

And fire departments…I like fire departments. Plus, the 2008 Libertarian Presidential candidate was Bob Barr. I mean, c’mon…Bob Barr?

The Green Party. Are they an annoying, pretentious lot or what? I’ll cut back on my electric use and recycle when I can; quit giving me grief about it.

You guys are emotionally exhausting, and you only have political clout in places where the majority of voters eat gorp and wear Birkenstocks.

The Constitution Party. You’re still riding the success of that 200+ year old document? Anything new?

Oh that’s right, the 27th Amendment which affects Congressional pay raises and was originally introduced by James Madison finally passed in 1992. Zzzzzzzzzz.

There are others, but most of these third parties aren’t serious or are single issues types of parties that have no broad appeal. I, along with others who want to join, am going to build an effective third political party.

With the help of relatively new Bagwine reader and center-right guy, Clay Perry, the platform for this party is already being discussed. But, before we can fully go to work on that, allow me to toss a few thoughts out there.

This party is for people who are open to differing views, can think critically, and most importantly, can think for themselves.

Truthers, Birthers, and other gray matter deprived nut jobs who hang on every word uttered by folks such as Sean Hannity, Keith Olbermann, Glenn Beck, and Rachel Maddow, need not apply for membership. We will just make fun of you.

If you’re interested, I have a couple of things to ask of you. Let me know through comment or e-mail what things should be in our platform. Secondly…Our party needs a name.

For me, The Bagwine Party, came to mind, but then I thought…People would call us Bagwiners. I don’t like the connotation.

The "winer" thing makes us sound like we are politically correct Nanny-Staters, and of course that is a group whom this party will stand firmly against.

So, give me some ideas so that I can get to work on getting a design for our logo.

That’s where I am with this idea so far. I want to pick a local or regional office for which this party can field a candidate in the 2010 election cycle, so time is of the essence.

Help me out folks…Help yourselves out, and help this country out.

Cheers!!

When Obama Addresses Congress On Health Care Tonight, He Should Just Say...

Tonight, President Obama will jump from the frying pan of indoctrinating our school children into the fire of addressing the self-serving members of our United States Congress on the issue of Health Care Reform.

Sheesh…Being President of the United States is a busy job. How the hell Bill Clinton worked hosing a moist mouthed Jewish chick into his schedule leaves me baffled…and in awe. Anyhoo…

Tonight, Obama will announce his plan for Health Care Reform. At long last legislation, we will finally know what Obamacare means.

I already know what it means…it means he’s too late.

Any substantive Health Care Reform taking place is a dead horse, and there’s no health care in the world that can resuscitate it. Cut it up. Cook it up. And ship it off to Taco Bell for use in their burritos.

Obama let the 3,000 different plans proposed by his fellow Democrats, and the paranoia inducing rhetoric by the Republicans leave us once again with no significant reform in regards to health care.

Late Tuesday, Sen. Max “They Were Filming Me With You Tubes” Baucus (D-MT) claims that his “Gang of Six” are close to ironing out a deal on Health Care Reform that may pass both houses of Congress.

The deal thus far, does not include a Public Option. It isn’t Universal Health Care. It calls for fines for up to $3,800 on people who do not buy health insurance.

Man, that is some serious reform. Let’s see…If I don’t by insurance, I’ll be fined. There is no cost-contained government plan available. So, from whom do I purchase health coverage in order to avoid any fines? D’oh!! The fucking, pre-existing insurance companies!!

The butcher, baker, and candlestick maker in Ohio can’t get coverage on pre-existing conditions, but by God, the health insurance companies not only get covered, with this proposal, they get additional coverage in the form of millions of new premiums.

Fan-Damn-Tastic!! Brilliant!! Praise the Lord, and Pass the Aetna Profits!! Here’s a free gall bladder removal for ya, Senator Baucus.

You know…I hear that Obama is going to push for Public Option during his joint address to Congress. It ain’t gonna happen Mr. President.

If I was President Obama, tonight I would give a simple five word address to Congress. It would be as follows:

“Fuck it…just fuck it.”

If Obama said that, he would earn respect from millions of Americans. His poll numbers currently swimming around 52%, would shoot into the 60’s. Many members of Congress would consider him a hero.

Because of his plain language and straight talk? No.

Because with that five word statement he would be demonstrating his desire to do nothing.

He would be letting Americans know that we will as a nation continue the traditions of out of control health care costs, millions of uninsured Americans, and putting profits before patients.

Americans like tradition. Tradition gives one the warmth of familiarity, and the status quo is like a comfortable pair shoes.

When Obama announced his dream of reforming the economy draining American health care system, he wasn’t merely dreaming. To many Americans, he was forcing them to try on a new pair shoes.

Americans don’t like that. They like walking around in the same pair that they are used to.

So President Obama, you too have finally learned the lesson as so many Presidents before you have…

The bigger your dreams…The larger your plans…The more grand your vision for this country, the worse your poll numbers get.

You see...

Many Americans and their elected representatives have a hard time dreaming big…especially when they are walking around in their comfortable shoes.

Cheers!!

Obama School Address: A Rebuttal By Matt-Man

Today, President Obama will address many of our sons and daughters who are beginning the new school year.

I have read the speech text. It is shocking. Obama implores the students to work hard, never give up, overcome difficulties, and study, study, study.

He has the nerve to tell our youth that if they apply themselves they could someday create a cure for cancer or AIDS.

He goes on to tell the students that if they develop critical thinking skills and their creativity, they may someday end poverty, discrimination, build businesses, and make America a better place.

Oh the nerve of that man…

Some administrators and parents are refusing to allow their kids to hear this outrageous back to school message from Obama and rightly so. However…

These children who are the spawn of parents who live according to the world of great Americans such as Glenn “Believe in Something Even if it’s Wrong” Beck and Michelle “I Wear Tons of Lipstick To Hide The Callouses I Got From Sucking The Pelvic Bones of John Birch’s Skeleton” Malkin, deserve a Back-to School address as well.

Fear not, my irrational, birther nation…I, Matt-Man, shall address your child. So gather them ‘round the computer and allow me to send them back to school with an inspiring message that is not a bunch of socialist, Obama drivel.

Hi Kids…Matt-Man, here.

I don’t care if you are kindergartener or a Senior in High School, life can be fraught with challenges and difficulties. Get used to it. Life is often arduous and for many of you, it will overwhelm you to the point where you need to rely on drugs and alcohol.

That’s okay, I can tell you…it’s not that bad of a way to go through life.

You can study as hard as you want…however, some of you may very well not “make it” in life.

In fact, most of you won’t. That’s the breaks. Sure, some of you may become doctors, lawyers, and entrepreneurs, but since Obama is hell bent on destroying our country, does it really matter?

And for those of you who think if you study really hard you could become President someday? Ha.

Your mom must have been drinking vodka and smoking crack while she was pregnant with you, because you’ve got no chance of that happening.

The only way any of you will have anything remotely in common with the Oval Office is if you happen to be a male student named, Dwight House.

Jeebus Christ kids…if your mom and dad have kept you from viewing the Obama message they have done you a big favor.

They, along with folks like Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Laura Ingraham are well aware that President Obama has screwed this country, turned it into a socialist state, and now like a pied piper is asking you to join him.

Youth of America!! Do NOT be fooled. Obama wants you to become part of his diabolical, Marxist-Muslim movement that may involve many of you being forced to participate in a ritual of testicle shaving and being commanded to eat food prepared by a British chef. Bastard.

Kids…your parents have already shown you that there is no need for critical thinking. Hell, critical thinking leads to problems.

You may not know this, but do you know how Mad Cow Disease got started? A mindless, herd following cow decided to think for his own bovine self. What did it get him?

He went fucking mad, and then ruined all of our beef…that delicious beef that us like minded folks just eat up. So…

Don’t try hard…Don’t study…Don’t think. If you do? Your mom, dad, and Glenn Beck will cry. We don’t want that do we?

Of course not…And, that’s my message to you. Now get out there and have the most unproductive school year you have ever had!!

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The 2009 Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon...Let's Kick It!!

It’s that time of year…

Tonight marks the beginning of the 3,000th Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon for MDA. Damn right, it’s been 3,000 times and don’t tell me it hasn’t.

There’s no Dean Martin…there’s no Ed McMahon. There’s only Jerry, Tony Orlando, and a bunch of crippled kids.

And Norm Crosby…

Yes folks, Mr. Malapropism hizzelf, Norm Crosby is still alive. I just Googled his existence. And, if Norm was coherent today, he would say, “I represent that Google.” Oy Vay.

I hate the Jerry Lewis Telethon…and don’t get me wrong…not because of what he has been tirelessly trying to accomplish over the years.

I hate it because it is such bad TV. Holy Cow….I’ve seen better entertainment on Public Access. Hell, I’ve seen better entertainment on some of my You Tube videos!!

Jerry Lewis, in spite of his advanced years and drooling needs to come into the internets age. Let’s get jiggy with it slobber boy.

This is the age of reality TV…A song by a sexagenarian Peaches and Herb isn’t going to bring in too many muffin tops for the lump stumps.

You need to kick it, Jerr. And kick it up BIG!!

Let’s have a huge wooden crucifix on your Las Vegas stage and nail that naked, religiously discriminated against Carrie Prejean to it.

Ha…what a hoot that would be. We could have little Timmy in a wheelchair and Larry King at his desk beneath it.

Larry could say, “Hello Bangor Maine…You’re on live with devoid Timmy, drooling Jerry, and the just about to be nailed Carrie Prejean. As for me? I just crapped in my pants…again. What’s your donation.?”

We could have Bill O’Reilly on and he could say to America, “If you don’t contribute to the MDA fund, the terrorists win.”

And, we could do a segment whereby if we don’t get two million dollars in two minutes, Bill ‘O tosses a crippled kid out of his wheelchair and eats his heart.

Good times…good times.

We could also have President Obama call in and ask for donations.

Okay…maybe not…We don’t want people thinking they are being indoctrinated or being forced into socialized medicine.

Yeah, let's scratch the Obama thing…but leave the O’Reilly and Prejean idea, okay?

Amen, and Amen...

I’m working 11-7 today…

If you are cooking out today think of me. I’ll be sweating, trying to catch a glimpse of some boobies, and carding every mutha-fuckah who comes through the Beer Mine.

Cheers!!

Obama Addressing School Children: How Dare That Communist Bastard Do That!?

I have had it. No, really, I have HAD it.

President Obama has a video feed set for Tuesday September 8th that will have him asking for school kids to do their best and work hard during this school year.

How partisan can a group of people…right wing talk show hosts, pundits, and yes, many parents be? Jeebus, Mary, and Joseph!!

Fuck Em….

I have nothing other than that to say…Indeed, I can only say, Fuck Em.

Okay…that’s not true, I can say more than that.

Has a large portion of Americans simply lost their goddamn minds? Is a large portion of Americans saying:

“Screw that Kenyan born motherfucker; how dare him ask my kid to do well in school.”

From Glenn “Oligarhy” Beck, to Laura “Keep Your Kid Home From School” Ingraham, to Michelle “My Eyes Are Not Only Slanted, They Are Three Feet Apart” Malkin, and a host of other low IQ fanatics have been bashing Obama over this.

People like these morons and others like Billy Cunningham of 700 WLW, and Rep. Greer (R-FL) are saying that Obama is attempting to indoctrinate our youth….

Some have said, that much like Mao, Kim Jong Il, and Stalin, the O-Man is trying to lure our children to Socialism..

Gimme a fucking break.

Yes, our representatives of late do nothing but watch their own backs, however…

The people who elect said representatives have devolved into a series of cable TV and sound byte impulses.

They think not for themselves, and in many cases, they think not at all. And many, eat this "indoctrination by Obama conspiracy" shit up.

This anti-addressing of American students is the last straw for me.

I think I am fairly reasonable…I think in some aspects of life, I am quite smart.

However, I have over the years, at times, thought maybe I was a bit crazy. With the stupid right wing smack down that is going on over this crap, I have finally realized that I am not crazy.

Although…

I wish I was crazy like these dumb asses, because it would make life so much easer.

Cheers!!

And...I just thought of this...Many of those protesting Obama, would have no problem with public prayer and "Christian" leaders giving a video message and "indoctrinating" kids in public schools.

Glenn Beck and Laura Ingraham: What a Stupid Porn Flick That Would Be

I’m off on Thursdays.

And, that affords me the opportunity to watch opinion shows that I don’t normally watch.

First up on my “get to watch” list was Glenn Beck…HA…What a fucking toad.

Did you know, that according to Glenn Beck, President Obama wants to create a civilian national security force which will unarm us from our liberties?

Yes, Obama said that he wanted a national security force once, but he also said,

"…the future of our nation depends on the soldier at Fort Carson, but it also depends on the teacher in East LA, the nurse in Appalachia, the after-school worker in New Orleans..."

Beck went on to say that AmeriCorps is Obama’s way to actualize his means…Beck, upon saying this, while coming close to crying, managed to hold back the reservoir of tears.

I managed to maintain my non-crying state by thinking…
Don’t we already have a civilian military force called the National Guard?

What a fucking freak show this guy is. The sad thing is…there are more than a few people who take him seriously. I don’t think Beck takes himself seriously, but if he does?

Holy Shit…I should give up everything in which I believe, and just rail against facts haphazardly. I could be as rich as Beck, and trust me, I would shed no tears. Beck tears , crocodile tears or otherwise.

I’d be laughing…as I’m sure, Beck is at this moment, as he stocks his Mormon food pantry with prime rib, filet mignon, and roe.

Then, Bitches…I got to watch Laura Ingraham as she sat in for Bill O’Reilly. I know that it is not politically correct to make fun of cancer survivors, but…well…fuck her….She’s a bitch, and I think she’s gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Ingraham has been “nearly” married many times, and yet she is unmarried.

Last night she was taken apart by one of her guests, a Brzezinski no less, and while I watched and wanted to bite her in a sexual way on her ample nose, I also wanted to punch her in the face at the same time. Man, what a dilemma.

Hell, even Alan Colmes…Alan Colmes of all people, put her in the basement last night!! Colmes couldn’t win an anti-death penalty argument with a guy eating chicken wings prior to his frying in the electric chair.

I used to like Laura Ingraham, but she has become a freak in order to keep up with Anthrax Coulter and Michelle “Jeebus Curing a Leper is Socialized Medicine” Malkin.

Holy crap, the Laura bitch is against Obama asking for September 11th to become a National Day of Service. WTF? Hey Bone-headed Bitch, are you against people helping their neighbors out?

And listen folks…If you think my breast cancer comment is out of line, bring it on…Ingraham has no clothes on this one.

She's a cunt…

Cheers!!

President Obama Vacations on Martha's Vineyard, Conservatives for Patients' Rights Squeal, and Barack Turns Pale

The group, Conservatives for Patient’s Rights has been running the above, Surf’s Up health care ad of late in order to coincide with President Obama’s week long vacation on Martha’s Vineyard which he began yesterday.

Eh, the ad is a little cheesy, lacks that “grab ya and gotcha” hook, and is in my opinion, pretty damn lame.

But folks let me tell you something…I am very pissed off at the vacationing Barack Obama right now…VERY.

Because he is pushing for National Health Care? No. Because he is taking time off? Nooooo. “Then why, Matt-Man”, you ask?

I am pissed at President Obama because when I checked my ballot back in November, I checked it for a former drug using, street savvy, black man for President, not an Evian drinking, Tommy Hilfiger wearing, white guy.

I first noticed him becoming white during the “Beer Summit” he had with the cop and the professor. Did you notice what kind of beer Obama drank? A Bud Light…

Dude, c’mon you’re black, you should have been sucking on some Wild Irish Rose out of a jelly jar or at least been chugging down a 40 of Colt 45. WTF?

And now…look. Look where he and his family are spending their vacation. Chilmark, on Martha’s Vineyard!!

For Godssakes they’re a black family from the south side of Chicago not a family of crackers from the upper west side of Manhattan.

Obama should be spending his summer vacation playing some street ball, and cruising the ‘hood in a ‘63 Buick Electra 225 with tricked out wheels and a fuzzy steering wheel.

He shouldn’t be playing croquet on the back lawn prior to enjoying a drive along the beach in a Volvo…or worse yet, a God Damn golf cart.

I am sooooo disgusted and disappointed in Obama. He has lost his soul.

He’s a black man who has been elected President of the most powerful country on Earth.

He should be struttin’ around and acting all hip, funky, and ghettolicious like my hero, Rick James. Barack should be greeting people with the phrase, “I’m President Obama, Bitch!!” But nooooo…

When he meets someone now, he says, “I’m President Obama, Ma’am…would you like a twist of lemon with your spritzer?” Holy Cow…

Instead of acting like Rick James, Obama is acting more like Rick Steves.

Maybe if health care reform doesn’t work out, he can do a travel special for PBS that highlights all of the quaint spots and bargain stays in and around the Buzzard’s Bay-Nantucket Sound area.

I miss the guy who would orate with the passion and fire of MLK, Jr. taking us all to the mountaintop

All I get from him now is a guy who speaks like a Methodist minister named Bob Smith finishing up his service by directing everyone to the bake sale in the church basement.

Sad.

C’mon, Brutha Barack…get your groove back…get your swagger back. Get your soul back.

I dig your reserved thoughtfulness, but man, sometimes…one has to go ahead and get jiggy with it.

Cheers!!

Birthers, Taitz, and Obama...Matt-Man Saves America

Just in time for President Obama’s birthday today, those wacky Birthers who don’t believe that Obama was born in the United States have some post-natal proof that is going around the internets.

The proof? A picture of Obama’s real birth certificate showing that he was born in Kenya. Damn straight bitches…

August 4, 1961 our President was born in Mombasa, Kenya.

Led by a nut job lawyer named Orly Taitz…oh excuse me, Dr. Orly Taitz, the birthers will take Obama all the way to the Supreme Court and stick the knife of truth into him.

Seriously, this Taitz chick, who claims to be a lawyer, dentist, and real estate agent was born in Russia.

I’m thinking that she wasn’t just born in the Russia…Taitz was born in the Soviet Union.

And the plot thickens…

If Taitz was born in the Soviet Union, that makes her one of them there God Damn Commies!! Uh huh…I just went there. And my friends, this is where it gets really interesting.

Obama’s parents birthed him in Kenya and had him magically transported to Hawaii on the same day so he could grow up to be elected President of the United States 47 years later. The KGB caught wind of this scheme.

Led by an 8 year old Vladimir Putin, the Soviet KGB did a little scheming themselves and created one, Dr. Orly Taitz who would later be integral to their plan of world domination. But first, there was groundwork to be laid.

During the late eighties and early nineties to add realism to their future plans, the Soviets would make it appear that their iron-fisted, Communist country had collapsed and broken into free, autonomous countries.

The young Taitz would grow up, immigrate to the United States some years later and produce the goods on the Obama conspiracy after his election. This of course, would throw our country into chaos and a Constitutional crisis.

With America reeling from these events, the former Soviet Republics would once again coalesce into their former souless, totalitarian state and smash our nation into tiny, tiny pieces.

Those fucking Soviets are some clever sunzabitches. But…they didn’t plan on the Matt-Man being around to expose their diabolical plan.

Wake Up America!!

So what if Obama spent a couple of his nascent hours in Mombasa? His parents had the foresight to use time travel in order to get him the hell to Hawaii, and later become our President.

Would you rather be governed by Obama, a guy who was born in Kenya, or ruled by Putin…

An evil, godless Commie who is constantly flying over Sarah Palin’s house in a MiG-29 while wearing a Speedo?

I thought so…Instead of getting behind the pod-people Birthers and Orly the Soviet Operative, get behind the Matt-Man, and as you line-up behind me, I’d like to hear you say…

“Thank You. Thank You, Matt-Man for saving The United States of America.”

You’re Welcome.

Happy Birthday Mr. Kenyan-Born President, and…

Cheers!!