Matt-Sinai

I decided to climb once more upon my mile high soap box and imbue a few more pearls of wisdom unto the blogospherical masses.

These are tough economic times and damn it, if you’re hurting, chin up folks, better days lie ahead and maybe even a job.

If you, like the folks who lost family members in recent Brett Favre texting incidents are saddened over a personal loss, I will be happy to offer you some “solace”.

If you feel trampled upon by others, namely, Gretchen Carlson’s stupidity, don’t worry, your time will come.

I’ll help you achieve your dream. I will help you become a righteous dude or dudette.

If you are nice to me, I’ll be nice to you, and…if you, like me, are a good person, maybe we can hook up some time and see “God” together. ; )

Those of you who play nice and don’t attack each other on my site, as well as those who have been attacked on here, are very special to me, and have a standing invite to come to the digs and party with me.

Those of you who have been mocked, lied about, and such while on my site, don’t fret, Bitches...

Much like commenters from the past, you are a better person for it, and it will show at some point…

Maybe.

I hope you guys continue to visit Bagwine Ruminations. ‘Cause, well…you are the Bagwine. And if you no longer stop by, the bottle dries up and sits empty.

And really, what good is an empty bottle? It just gets thrown at the dumpster, misses, and shatters.

You guys brighten my day and my life. Y’all are like the city of Denver…mile high, saying, “Look at me!!”

And I do look, because you cannot camouflage your humor, wit, and brilliant charm.

I see you as shiny, happy people, and I hope everyone from here to eternity sees the same thing in you that I do.

Was that a great exhortation or what!?

Let’s see Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, or any of those other bums come up with something like this.

Hell’s fire, even Jeebus couldn’t orate like this.

Okay, maybe Jeebus could, but you’d have to look long and hard in the Bible to find something this moving.

I hope you all find this entry moving, soul softening, and well, wonderful.

‘Cause if ya don’t…you’re freaky, and hate the little baby Jeebus.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Benny Hinn Divorce!!

It’s going to be a gray, wet Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today. The rain will put a damper on my 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine.

But, even if the sun were to be shining today, my heart would still be as cold and damp as the February weather in which I will be working.

Some of you may have heard the sad news already. It was announced Friday that Bagwine’s favorite criminal Charismatic preacher Benny Hinn, is being sued for divorce.

After more than 30 years of marriage, Hinn’s wife, Suzanne Hinn has filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. What a bitch.

How the hell can she walk away from him? If Suzanne Hinn is turning her back on Benny, she is turning her back on God himself. Praise Jeebus!!

His ecumenical and philosophical genius has moved me over the years. Moved me to tears of laughter, and moved me closer to the Lord.

Here are but a few of my favorite quotes that Benny Hinn has over time imparted to me and upon my funny bone soul.

“I’d be a fool to be in this for the money.”

“I saw Jesus walk into my bedroom.”

“No, I’m not wealthy.”

“I walk in the realm of the Supernatural.”

“I see rows of caskets lining up in front of this TV set... and I see actual loved ones picking up the hands of the dead and letting them touch the screen and people are getting raised.”

And my favorite…

“Where in the Bible does it say I have to drive a Honda?”

Amen Brother Benny, A-Fucking-Men!!

I shall pray for you through your time of personal tribulation. I shall ask God to heal your heart and to send Suzanne down to the fiery pits of Hell.

Much like Christ himself, you have been betrayed…betrayed by a Babylonian harlot.

Let this whore and spitter in the face of God make her exodus so that you may begin your genesis, and become even more powerful than the supernatural being that you are.

In Jeebus’ name I pray.

Have a wonderful Sunday all. If you need some beer or smokes, come look me up, and I’ll hook you up.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: A Personal Dichotomy

It’s going to be a snowy and blustery day in Bagwine, Ohio this Sabbath.

As I am manning the Beer Mine from 11-7 today, I ask for your prayers that the warmth and glow of the newly born Baby Jeebus keep me warm.

Funny thing about this time of year…

Christmas is over, but most folks are still in a good mood.

Maybe it’s the lingering aura of the Messiah’s afterbirth lying on the straw strewn floor of a Galilean manger; perhaps it’s more the anticipation of the New Year.

Who knows why the joy of Christmas lingers..?

Whether it’s a glob of supernatural, pacifistic placenta or the hopes of getting laid on New Year’s Eve, this time of year is wonderful.

I think that between the Nazarean Natality being celebrated (whether one believes or not), and the coming of the New Year, many people look at this time as a fresh start.

I dig the attitudes of the people that I encounter at this time of year. The sarcasm is softer. The cuss words are fewer…

My attempts of getting hot chicks that come through the Beer Mine to sleep with me, are met with a chuckle rather than a call to the police.

This is one of the few times that we celebrate the death and ending of something rather than mourning its passing. Its quite an odd, yet joyous time.

I am one who does not celebrate the passing of anything or anyone. Oh sure, when Jerry Falwell died, some said that I was glib and almost happy about it.

I was NOT happy about it. In fact, when Falwell keeled over, I was in grief over the fact that the Devil now had another foot soldier to serve within his army of sin.

I dread the day that Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, and Rod Parsley kick the offertory bucket. When they do…Satan will have the group he once only dreamed of. But I digress…

Anyhoo…I don’t know where I was going with this. Maybe it is just a way to innoculate you to the fact that with the coming New Year, I may be introspective this week.

I know how you hate it when I am introspective rather being one who spews my 13 year old kid humor. So, I thought I’d give ya all a heads up.

Until tomorrow my friends…

Cheers!!

If Jeebus Says It, It Has To Be True

I appreciated all of the answers to my questions the other day. Thanks for taking the time to chime in.

One question was, “What, if anything, really irritates you about me?” One reader who shall be nameless but always uber-hot, mentioned that my Christian bashing can sometimes be a bit much.

I was shocked…Nay…OUTRAGED!!

I never thought of myself as a Christian basher. Being one who walks in near lockstep with the Holy Baby Jeebus I thought I only bashed those who pretended to live a life as Jeebus would.

But…Just to find out for sure, and put this issue to rest, I called up my buddy, Jeebus and asked him to stop by for a couple of beers. He obliged, and he brought his pal of Old Testament fame, Micah with him.

The three of us noshed on bacon wrapped tater tots and sausage bites. We threw back some beer and Bagwine and caught up with each other. It was nice.

At what I thought to be the right time, I asked Jeebus…“Yo J-Man. Do you think I am a Christian basher?”

Jeebus spoke…“Matt-Man, my friend. You are many things. Funny, sarcastic, undersexed and over imbibing. In fact, you can be a complete and utter asshole. But, you are not a Christian basher. Please tell me who bore false witness against you?”

I told him that I would rather leave her out of it. To which he replied…“Leave her out of it? I don’t think I should. I should…wait just a…Her? Oh I get it…you think she’s hot dontcha?”

I responded…

“Well you know me…I think damn near any woman between the age of 35 and 65 and has tits is hot. But, yeah. Which reminds me…How the hell is Mary Magdalene these days?”

Jeebus laughed and then smacked me upside the head with his hand.

It’s kind of neat because when he does that, the air going through the holes in his hand makes a wacky whistling sound. It still hurts though. My head, not his hand.

Anyhoo…there you have it Mizz One Who Shall Be Nameless. Jeebus said I am not a Christian basher. After he deemed that so, Jeebus, Micah, and I whooped it up.

Jeebus kept magically refilling the bottle of Wild Irish Rose. And Micah? He’s a madman, but he had to go to the bathroom every three minutes. Holy Cow, I asked Jeebus if Micah was always such piss happy party animal. J-Man told me this…

“Matt-Man for a 2,800 year old Jew, the boy can bring it. He has the liver and staying power of a 22 year old. Unfortunately he also has the bladder of a two year old.”

Micah was in the bathroom when Jeebus told me that and we heard Micah say, “I heard that, you lousy bastards. Hee Hee Hee.”

J-Man and I started laughing when a half asleep Schmoop groggily yelled from the bedroom…

“Jesus Christ Micah, for a holy man you have lousy aim. I can hear your prophetic piss ricocheting all over my bathroom floor, Goddamit!!”

Christ and I were rolling on the floor doubled up in laughter. And then…It was time for Jeebus and Micah to go back to Heaven. But before they left, Jeebus said unto me…

“Making fun of people who claim to be Christians is no big deal. People like Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, and those who go to church to be seen and not in order to truly live by my word are assholes.

Keep on keepin’ on my friend. Oh, and Glenn Beck…Make fun of him too; I hate that asshole. And one other thing…

This chick who said this to you? You tell her that Jeebus said that if she doesn’t have sex with you, she will surely go to Hell.”

He then kissed me on the head, parted his fingers and said, “Live long and prosper Matt-Man, LOL.”

In a wink, he and Micah were gone, but they left a message for me.

I sat down and on the table the Bible was open to Micah 6:8...

“And what does the lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Other than that “humbly” part…I think I live up to those words.

Cheers!!

Matt-Siah Speaks...

There were a throng of comments about God yesterday, so...

I decided to climb once more upon my mile high soap box and imbue a few more pearls of wisdom unto the blogospherical masses.

These are tough economic times and damn it, if you’re hurting, chin up folks, better days lie ahead and maybe even a job.

If you, like the folks who lost family members in recent plane crashes are saddened over a personal loss, I will be happy to offer you some “solace”.

If you feel trampled upon by others, don’t worry, your time will come. I’ll help you achieve your dream. I will help you become a righteous dude or dudette.

If you are nice to me, I’ll be nice to you, and…if you, like me, are a good person, maybe we can hook up some time and see “God” together. ; )

Those of you who play nice and don’t attack each other on my site, as well as those who have been attacked on here, are very special to me, and have a standing invite to come to the digs and party with me.

Those of you who have been mocked, lied about and such while on my site, don’t fret, Bitches. Much like commenters from the past, you are a better person for it and it will show at some point.

I hope you guys continue to visit Bagwine Ruminations. ‘Cause, well…you are the Bagwine. And if you no longer stop by, the bottle dries up and sits empty.

And really, what good is an empty bottle? It just gets thrown at the dumpster, misses, and shatters.

You guys brighten my day and my life. Y’all are like the city of Denver…mile high, saying, “Look at me!!”

And I do look, because you cannot camouflage your humor, wit, and brilliant charm.

I see you as shiny, happy people, and I hope everyone from here to eternity sees the same thing in you that I do.

Was that a great exhortation or what!?

Let’s see Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, or any of those other bums come up with something like that.

Hell’s fire, even Jeebus couldn’t orate like that. Okay, maybe Jeebus could, but you’d have to look long and hard in the Bible to find something that moving.

Cheers!!

The Pocket Fisher of Men

I’ve got a problem with The Almighty.

On Sunday, several children (as well as some adults) died in a plane crash in Montana…500 feet away from the runway, nonetheless.

It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes my heart hurt.

It also makes me wonder, not necessarily if God exists; I'll allow for that possibility...

It makes me wonder what the hell kind of being this God is.

Don't tragedies like this make you wonder?

Believers will tell you that God is Omnipotent, Omnipresent, and Omnisci...Omnisee...um...and Omni-Knowing.

Even if I stipulate to those three things as fact, that doesn't necessarily make God Omni-Beneficent.

Why didn’t he save those little kids? Why didn’t he raise his almighty hand and guide the plane safely to the airport?

Well, some may say that through their death those around them will appreciate life more. It will show them that life is fleeting, and they should make the most of it.

And...That those kids are now with the Lord in Heaven and some day, just like the kids, your suffering will pass and Heaven will seem even more glorious than can be imagined.

Fuck that.

If The Almighty is using kids (or anyone for that matter) in this manner and for those reasons, he's nothing more than a Madison Avenue marketing magician.

Dostoyevsky, one of my all-time faves, once stated that if God is using the death of children to fertilize the garden of life, he is not all-good.

I agree...Anyone, whether it be me, you, or The Almighty, who uses others, is far from all-good, and in a word, sucks.

Of course, this use of others is a two way street. So called people of piety use God all of the time.

In his name, they attempt to make law, shame others, and try to collect a tidy personal fortune along the way.

Uh-huh. These people are using God, Jeebus, and others to create a little Heaven on Earth.

And, maybe that's the master plan. People like Benny Hinn and Joyce Meyer use God, and God uses others...each with their own purposes.

Perhaps, God did make man in His image, and God looks and acts alot like Billy Mays or Ron Popeil.

And maybe, when one's life on Earth is done, he or she is transported to God's Kingdom where they live 24/7 in a late night infomercial for all eternity.

If this is God's plan for me....If this really is as "good" as he gets...

I may as well place my Bible in the closet, and Just Set It and Forget It.

Cheers!!

P.S. Today is Meg's (Prefers Her Fantasy Life) Birthday. She stopped by Bagwine briefly a couple of weeks ago and I got to meet her.

She is complaining about being older, but trust me...She's hot and it appeared that she has great boobies. So, click HERE and go wish Meg and her boobies a Happy Birthday!!

In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the 1040Amen

The past two days I have written about ways to infuse much needed cash into our government, and spark the economy.

I spoke about prostitution profits on Tuesday…

And, smoking and drugs windfalls on Wednesday…

Today, the third of my four part Bagwine Economic Plan focuses on…Religion.

The old saying from World War II states, “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition.”

My plan calls for a new saying…

Praise the Lord, and cough up the money that you have been stealing from viewers in God’s name, you charlatan televangelist bastards, who claim to run a non-profit house of God…You!!

Okay…that was a little wordy, but you get my point.

You want to get a donation in return for some vial of “Holy Water” that is actually Hudson River sewage, over your 800 line?

Have at it…However.

When 78 year old Martha Smith sends in her $29.95, keep in mind that $20.00 of it will go to the government instead of the Lord Almighty…or in your case, a new wine cellar. Do you hear me Paul Crouch!?

We’re going to tax these so called churches...

Tax them to the point where it will be easier for these false prophets to get into Heaven than it will for a dollar to pass through their hands and make its way to a down payment on a 5 million dollar home.

Are ya with me Joyce Meyer?

And by the way Joyce…I know you think you look good, but seriously…

You really look like a cheap New Orleans whore who is soooooo past her prime.

And remember, turnin’ tricks for Jeebus is gonna cost you from now on.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Benny Hinn, Rod Parsley, Kenneth Copeland…It will be a divine miracle if you have a penny left after I am through taxing you, and your “church”.

Of course, that doesn’t matter to you guys, because you have Jeebus in your hearts…right?

And lastly, a message to Pope Benedict XVI…

I realize that you claim to be infallible, but hear me now. You are not "intaxable".

Cough it up, Blitzkrieg Benny…The Catholic Church owes America about a Trinity of a Billion Dollars.

You can start the pay back by paying property taxes on the $470,000.00 house you just bought for the new Archbishop of Cincinnati.

God Forbid, he live above the Church in an apartment like the last Archbishop.

I know…I know…this wasn’t funny like the first two parts of my plan, but I can’t help it.

As much as I like religion, for far too long, and far too often, organized religion/churches have gotten away with economic sacrilege.

More than the Congress and politicians, these types of folks make my stomach turn.

You see, politicians play upon peoples’ fear and ignorance. While not right, fear and ignorance hold little worth.

Televangelists and clerics play upon peoples’ faith. That DOES have worth.

And more importantly, sometimes that is all people have.

Tax the Bastards...Amen.

Cheers!!

Update (9:25 A.M.): Well, well...Ha!! You rock , Joyce. You sleazy co-hunt, you.

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Feelin' guitly Joyce Meyer...or Art?

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You guys blow...in more ways than one...So sayeth the Little Baby Jeebus!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Out of My Way, I'm a Christian, Dammit!!

It’s a hot, hazy Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio today.

But…I am actually rested up from my “week off” and ready to get back to being myself.

I have to work all day today, but before I go, I have an actual sermon for all of us…Specifically, for all of us “Christians” in the audience.

Something hit me last night at about 9:15 P.M., in between my 14th beer and my second pint of Wild Irish Rose…

Christians, suck.

Now hold on Nellie, not true Christians, but those who profess to be Christians.

I laugh at some of these charlatans such as Rod Parsley, Paul Crouch, Joyce Meyer, and Benny Hinn, but far more dangerous is the hypocrisy that lies within our family, our neighbors, ourselves.

Far too often of late, I have been called a “fucking asshole”, a “jerk”, and a whatever body part one might like up his or her ass…

Typically, I don’t mind these aspersions…in fact, I usually find them funny. But these are words coming from self-professed “Christians”.

I do not proclaim to be anything other than an imperfect being. I make fun of myself on a regular basis…sometimes to a fault.

Why in this day is there a proliferation of people that claim to be Jeebus personified and whine that they are being persecuted?

People who claim to want to help others and yet complain about how their money is wasted on the less fortunate.

People who want eternal salvation for all, but demand a price from others here on Earth.

People who judge others while refusing to look in the mirror…

I have often taken shots at the Little Baby Jeebus, but religion aside, his message is something that everyone should agree upon.

The Golden Rule, The Sermon on the Mount, the sending back of the veal cutlet because it was under done and over priced…

I also like Lao-Tzu, the founder of Taoism. Both LT and JC were wise. No matter your religious bent or not, both ideologies are sound…They were not radicals.

Unless of course, being nice to people is a radical idea.

Amen, and Amen…

And now, our Sunday Serenade...a poem from the late, great, Dad of Matt-Man. From 30 years ago, an illustration of the height of Christian hypocrisy…

Reflections On Northern Ireland

What Christians, we,
on Sunday morn,
who to Christ
lip service give.

In song, in prayer,
we hear His words,
and touch the Book
that holds His Rule.

With wine and bread
we are all fed;
we hail the Cross
to be the Grail.

But darkness comes,
and in His name,
each side is led.

And Christ again
is crucified,
beside the wounded
and the dead.

©1981 JJM

Cheers!!

Catch Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.

Who Can It Be Now?

A month or so ago I thought this was going to be a uneventful summer…

A summer being passed out on the couch from too much Bagwine.

But now…

My Presidential campaign is beginning to get in gear. I have some outside work now. And last night, things really took off.

When I got home around 9:15, I poured myself a glass of Wild Irish Rose, fired up a smoke, and sat at my computer.

I was bummed at first because none of you Bagwine heads had emailed me with naked pics of yourselves, but then...

There was a rap upon the apartment door.

I answered it. Lo and Behold it was the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Needless to say, I was surprised, because…well…It was Christ of all people…and he hadn’t stopped by the Bagwine digs since Good Friday.

I asked him why he knocked, and came in through the door rather than just appearing…He said that he wanted to surprise me.

What a nut. We just talked for a few…made fun of Pastor Rod Parsley, Benny Hinn, and Joyce Meyer over of few blasts of Rose.

Hay-Zoos is a funny son of a bitch. He was telling me about the time he first met Mary Magdalene.

She said to him, “Are those the Twelve Tribes of Israel ‘neath ye robe, or art thou just joyful to see me?”

He said that he found her smoking hot and very funny so they had steamy, Messianic sex that very night.

He told me the funny thing was, the next morning when they awoke in each other’s arms, he put her sarcasm right back into her face.

He told Mary, “Wow, that was good, but I wish I had had a crucifix nailed to me ‘cause for a minute I thought I was going to fall in.”

HA…J-Man and I laughed our asses off. I asked him if Mary got mad.

He said, “Of course not, I’m Jesus, Bitch.” Hahahaha…He High-Fived me; we laughed again.

And then the Son of a Bitch, through the tears rolling down his face said to me...

“And then, hahahahaha, Matt-Man, I said unto Mary, ha, it’s okay if you gave me syphilis last night…I’ll just heal myself. Hahahahahaha.”

Christ is a Goddamn Hoot, I tell ya.

Man, had I missed him. But all good things come to a end.

He said, “I gotta be going. I have to go appear in one of Michelle Malkin’s dreams. Stupid ho, will probably mistake me for Osama Bin Laden…again.”

Before he left, I asked him if I would still be going to Heaven when I die.

He said to me, “Of course you will…You’re Matt-Man, Bitch!!”

Hahahahaha, more laughs and another Holy High-Five. I love that dude.

Shortly after my holy home boy scooted, the phone rang. It was an old pal asking me if I wanted to go camping with him.

Who was it?

Well, since tomorrow is Half-Nekkid Thursday, I guess you will have to come back Friday to find out.

Cheers!!