Yesterday, we spoke about how Jeebus was a bit of a prankster and jokester. Well, have I got some news for you!!
Back in 1999, while trying to bury what was left of my self-esteem in the backyard of my “soon to be handed over to the ex” estate:
Something HUGE Happened…
I discovered an ancient religious text buried beneath several inches of dirt, dead grubs, and three empty bottles of Bagwine.
This my friends, forever changed my life.
Much like the Book of Menus, that I mentioned yesterday, this was quite the find.
This ancient book reveals that our boy Jeebus, was on the cutting edge of comedy, and the inventor of the Knock-Knock joke.
From what I have heard through the word of God, he came up with them on the Wednesday prior to his crucifixion.
While most of his jocularity has been lost, my fortuitous dig turned up the lost Knock-Knock jokes of Jeebus Christ.
This text, which was labeled, The Book of Rodney, was full of these gems, and comprises the first book of what I call, The Knockstic Gospels.
I also found a series of unmarked one-liners by Jeebus, that I have called, the Book of Henny. More on that at a later date.
The Book of Rodney contains the following…
Father, the Pharisees show me no respect. (Rodney 1: 1)
I walked into the Temple, and the Moneychangers said unto me, “You are so ugly; you would have to sneak up on a glass of Holy Water.” (Rodney 1: 7-8)
I’m a bad lover. Once, I caught a Peeping Thomas booing. He al
so doubted me. (Rodney 3: 14)We then get into a few of his Knock-Knock jokes…
Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Jew. Jew Who? Dry Your Yiddish Tears You Big Ninny. (Rodney 5: 17-18)
Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Judas. Judas Who? Judas See Who Kissed Me? (Rodney 13: 28)
And my favorite…
Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Noah. Noah Who? Noah good Doctor who could sew up the holes in my hands? (Rodney 11: 22-24)
What a Holy Laugh Riot the Holy Baby Jeebus turned out to be…You RAWK Jay-Cee!!
There’s also a funny story about Holy Wednesday that is relayed to us in the Book of Rodney…
And thusly, the Apostles awoke on the mid week day. There was a ruckus. Bartholomew asked, “What the Hell is going on?”
Matthew spaketh, “Jeebus is plowing Mary Magdalene’s Garden of Eden.”
Thaddeus answered…
“I hope Jeebus’ snake doesn’t get charred by her Burning Bush.”
Jeebus emerged from the den, and spoke,"Mary and I were happy for twenty years...and then we met. Bada Bing, I'll be here til Friday!!"
Jeebus, all 12 Apostles, and a butt-nekkid Mary laughed their Holy asses off. (Rodney 7: 10-17)
And that my friends, is what transpired on Holy Wednesday.
I hope to see you all tomorrow for a special Easter edition of Half Nekkid Holy Thursday.
Cheers!!
58 comments:
They never taught just how damn funny all these people were when I was in Sunday School. Our teachers acted like this was all serious stuff. How boring is that?
Oh babe that was a real knee slapper.. **as I slap my elbow***
Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Judas. Judas Who? Judas See Who Kissed Me? (Rodney 13: 28)
You ARE The Master.
*walks away, muttering, The Knockstic Gospels - giggle, giggle*
Jay: I know. Everyone emphasizes the smiting, the murdering, and the slavery. Pffft. Well, not on my religious history watch. Cheers!!
Comment Deleted:
Cheesy: Why is your knee hurting? Cheers Cheesy!!
Songbird: Why Thank You. And I thought of you when I wrote the "Knockstic Gospel" line. Cheers Dear!!
So far, Holy Week has been my favorite.
I absolutely love that saying, "Smiling's my favorite!" from Elf. It's just sooo right.
Let me see if I can come up with one. I am on my first cup of coffee and it's 4:30 a.m.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Who the fuck?
Your mother, you fucktard.
Abs: Smiling's My Favorite, too. Well, aren't you a regular Absurdist Dice Clay!! Cheers!!
Holy week has been a riot! I'm not sure if it's your writing niche, or a form of delirium tremors from the lack of meat. Ah, who cares! It's fun!!
Dana: Thanks. I'd like to say that it's a divinely inspired niche, but it's the lack of meat. Oh yeah, it's the lack of meat. Cheers!!
Good Friday rocks! I am going to have a cheeseburger and burn in hell!
Mt. Cat: A cheeseburger, huh? That's just great. I'll be eating beans. Enjoy the hell out of it. Cheers!!
Do you still have those dead grubs. I collect them.
I can see why people like hobbies.
Mr. Fab: Of course not, I ate them. Cheers!!
Did he appear at Catch Me Before I Rise(ing) Star?
The hands joke is going to get someone excommunicated
I can see why the book was lifechanging...
Can't wait for Half Nekkid Holy Tuesday!!!
Bond: I dunno, but he did spend the days of Pentecost playing the Julius Caesar Lounge abord the Aegean Princess Cruise Barge. Cheers!!
Sparky: It's hard to get excommunicated from my own Church. Cheers!!
DB: It was...HNT will be a lifechanging experience as well. Cheers!!
Is that where Knocking on Heavens Door came from?
Did he knock up Mary too? You knock me out!
Peace
I think the Mormons have a similar book.
Odat: Thanks...Now, knock it off. Cheers Odat!!
Roger: And see where that impotent text got Mitt Romney? Cheers!!
Snake in the burning bush... classic! Once again you have breathed life into the death that is religion. (Setting you up for a mouth to mouth quip there.) I can't wait for Half Nekkid Thursday either!
Winter: Dammit...When you put me on the spot like that my "soul" shrivels up.
My HNT will be the best Easter experience ever. Cheers Winter!!
Dear God,
Please don't let Matt show us his "cave" for HNT Easter addition!
I'm laughing my ass off, but my ass isn't holy. Bwahahahahahahaha. Excellent. Have a great day Matt-Man. :)
as always Matt :)
Jeff: Keep in mind, God Doesn't answer every prayer. Cheers!!
Sandee: Glad I could assist in removing your ass. Cheers!!
Lu: Why thanks. Have a great day. Cheers!!
Hah. Jeebus knock-knock jokes from the Book of Rodney. You are THE MAN!
Don't forget the secret torn-out page from that book that was later taken to the Hall of Amazing Treasures and is awaiting discovery in the we-cannot-stop-from-being-made third National Treasure movie coming soon. I believe one of the jokes was:
"Knock, knock. Who's there? Job. Job Who? Job mamma! (which of course traces back to the very first 'your mamma'joke...that Jeebus, he was such an innovator).
VE: Ha...Poor Job can't ever catch a break.
Y'know, to this day, I still get a hateful Easter card from Geraldo Riviera because my backyard yielded so much more than his discovery of Al Capone's secret vault. Cheers!!
Channelling a little Father John Francis Patrick Mulcahy of MASH were ya' there my boy. Jocularity!!! Rather surprised you didn't spell it jockularity.
Mama: It is one of my favorite words. Joccccc-uuuuu-larrrr-ity. Cheers!!
I love Love LOVE Jesus Jokes (I'm copying all of these....hopefully I will remember to give you credit....)
Jeff's comment was a riot as usual...but Roger....HIS comment was the very best!
Kat: I need no credit...It won't do me any good when I am burning in Hell.
Jeff really wants me. Cheers!!
we all want you matt! is it thursday yet? mmmmm, my mouth is watering just thinking about it.
Jahooni: Not yet, but one thing's for sure. If all of you want me; you are all more sex starved than I. But I thank you, Cheers!!
I bet more people would go to church if it was this fun. OK, probably still not ME, but ya' know. Someone might.
Tug: Thanks Tug. And don't worry 'bout going to church. This preacher man makes house calls. Cheers!!
PRAISE THE LORD! ooh baby ooh baby
Tug: I am the Way and the Light. Praise Jeeeeebus!! Amen and Cheers!!
You never cease to amaze me or make me smile. Thanks for the laugh. :)
Sindi: Hiya Pal...I hope things aren't underwater over your way. Cheers!!
You know being meatless inspires you like nothing else.
Awesome
Oh and just to let you know
We be joining in the half nekkidness tomorrow ;-)
TB: Thanks and Rowwwwrrrrrr. I'll make sure to link you up for Half Nekkid Holy Thursday. Purrrr. Cheers baby!!
My butt hurts!
You´re fault!!!
***
Just to make sure no one gets me wrong: I fell off the couch laughing when I saw the pic. Ah heck, who cares... get me wrong! My butt hurts!
Sanni: Poor Thing...We can't have your butt hurtin' in your condition. Let me make it all better. ; )~~~ Cheers Dear!!
I'm more familiar with the nonstic gospels written by St Teflon, I think he was a friar.
Cathy: Ha. Damn You...That was good. I wish I had thought of that. Cheers!!
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Eve.
Eve who?
Even the Pope loves Half-Nekkid Thursday!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke away from the boobs; my eyes are up HERE!!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mark.
Mark who?
Mark my words, there will soon be a Time/Life series based on Half-Nekkid Thursday. Or at least a really nice coffee-table book.
Janna: Move away from the sacraments, and quit drinking the communion wine...Cheers Janna!!
There is so much here worth mentioning..but my fav of all
The Knockstic Gospels
I can't even take it...lol
Gold Jerry.... gold
Leelee: Hiya!! I didn't expect to see you. I hope you guys are having a great time. Cheers Bay-Bay!!
HEY y'all...I'm somewhere in South Carolina in a Comfort Inn...and guess what? It's the same Comfort Inn we stayed at last time we drove North..go figure...lol
Loved the post...can't wait till tomorrow!
The Knockstic Gospels???
LMOO!
ROFL!!
You are my favorite sinner you know.
When you get to hell, will you save me a seat in the cafeteria or something?! :D
Lord help me, I'm confused !!! Have I been here yet?
Offended: Sure I'll save you a seat at Hell's cafeteria. We can eat brussel sprouts and head cheese together. Cheers OB!!
Micky: You need saved my friend. Cheers!!
Ooooops...
Leelee: Enjoy the Comfort Inn. Thanks and I wish that I had an adjoining room. Cheers!!
Travis: Ha...Thanks, I liked that line as well. Cheers my good man!!
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