Saturday Morning Cartoons

I am going to start trying to record and post a new video every Saturday and consider it the Bagwine Saturday Morning Cartoon.

I start with one from the archives that shows Schmoop and I dropping our drawers on camera.

The one minute six second video is worth the watch just to see Schmoop come back in the kitchen to get the camera after we had left.



Have a wunnerful Saturday folks, and as always...

Cheers!!

Clambakin' Is Not Just a Party...It's a Lifestyle

Recently I have kicked my ass into gear as far as getting my act together…my comedy act, that is.

I have been spending about an hour a day going through my 1,400+ posts in order to take the funniest stuff and blend it into a funny, coherent 60-90 minute routine that I can do on stage.

As I go back and read what I have posted since May of 2006, I have come across some entries that are crap. But…

I have also come across quite a few things that have made me laugh out loud, and many things that are downright disturbing.

Some posts have actually managed to achieve that golden quality of doing both at the same time. I came across such a post Monday.

The following pictures come from May of 2008 when I was still doing a thing called Half Nekkid Thursday.

I did a half nekkid pictorial tribute to that King of Rock ‘n’ Roll and walking pharmaceutical counter, Elvis Presley.

Please join me in delighting in this soft porn tribute to Elvis and my favorite movie that he did...Clambake!!

Whoa Mama…Think I look good like this? How ’bouts I get to Clambakin’?

Yeah that’s more like it, Bitches. The King Lives in me and my clam is hungry!!
Sing it, Big E!!

Enjoy your Tuesday, all.

Cheers!!

The Urban Dictionary: They Know the Matt-Man

Bagwine and Facebook buddy, Irene, gave me a head’s up on this…

Anyone can go to the Urban Dictionary website, type their name in, and it will give the person a definition or definitions for their name.

I must say, the Urban Dictionary was dead on when defining me…Matt.

Take a look...

Matt---

Ancient Greek translation for "eternal sex-god". It is believed that anyone that holds this name has a great level of skill and ability to perform sexual acts for long periods of time. Men possessing this name are also well endowed.

Girl 1: I wish my boyfriend was a matt
Girl 2: Oh you poor thing

An attractive, smooth-talking, charming young man. When you’re with him, he makes you feel like a princess; when you’re not, you know he is making another girl feel the same and not even thinking of you.

Becky: I dont understand, we had so much fun last week! why hasn’t he called?!?'
Jessica: I told you that guy was a matt. you should have listened to me!'

An extremely good looking male, otherwise known as a Sexy Beast. Throughout history, Matts have been known to be an exceptional specimen of the human male. The 'Matt' are often popular due to their social adeptness.

Girl 1: Hey, did you see that new movie 300? It was kick ass.
Girl 2: Of course! It was like a movie of 300 half-naked Matts!

And of course there’s this entry…

Masturbating After Touching Titties.
or
Masturbating After Touching Testicles.

Fundita: Fundo saw Matt at the strip club.
Fundala: Which strip club?
Fundita: I never asked his preference.

Holy Cow!! Could the Urban Dictionary be any more dead on when talking about yours truly? I don’t fucking think so.

Even Schmoop agreed with eveything they wrote...other than the well-endowed part.

That’s all I gots. That’s all there is. There isn’t any more.

Have a wonderful Friday all. I will be preparing for the White Death that is on the doorstep of Bagwine, Ohio.

Oh the humanity!!

Cheers!!

June Cleaver Naked!!

With all that is going on, I haven't had much time to write anything new.

So, I found this post as I was half shit-faced Thursday night, and laughed. I was surprised by those of you who were commenting back then.

Anyhoo...I was amused.

Half Nekkid Thursday: Happy Mother's Day

Mothers’ Day is Sunday; How shall I celebrate it?

By getting nekkid with that lovable caretaker of Wally and Theodore…

Everyone’s Mom, June Cleaver!!

Love how I captured that twinkle in her eye!!

Yeah baby, she doesn’t wear a pearl necklace ‘cause it’s pretty…

She’s making a statement about getting her late 50’s, black and white freak on.

When Ward’s away, the Matt-Man and June’s beaver shall play!!

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!!

And to all of you sexy muthas out there, have a wonderful Mother's Day.

Cheers!!

Oh Yeah, Get Naked Schmoopie!!

Some people do Half-Nekkid Thursday...We do Full-Naked Video Thursday...

Enjoy your porn today...

I'll be spending the morning helping Schmoop's brother, David.

He just bought his first computer...God Help Us All!!

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: True Love Gone Awry

I know I told you guys, if you have been around awhile, you know I had been a participant, and then eschewed Half Nekkid Thursday.

Well, for this Thursday, I have changed my mind and decided to go for it.

And not only that...

I decided to ramp it up by including the uber sexy Schmoop, and taking it to the video level.

I now present to you , Schmoop and I doing our first, Video Half Nekkid Thursday....





We soooooooooooooo rock.

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: The Sexism Dies With Me

This is my last Half-Nekkid Thursday post.

I have come to the realization that this entire thing is very sexist.

No, not towards women who offer themselves to get Half-Nekkid, but sexist towards me, a man…The Matt-Man, bitch.

A guy named Obasso, initiated this idea as some type of art form, feel good, kinda thing.

I joined in last February and have diligently posted my HNT pics.

While Obasso visits and comments on every WOMAN’S HNT post, he shuns me.

Why? Because I am a man, baby!!

I have been creative, posted his sappy HNT button on my sidebar (which will come down today), and in return get nothing but neglect.



His actions reek of hypocrisy. Perhaps, he is intimidated by my body, which resembles that of Ben Franklin’s, a Franklin stove…um, that of Hercules.

No longer will I kowtow to his depraved will. I will continue to get Half-Nekkid from time to time, but…

Never, and I mean, NEVER on a Thursday.

And it won’t be for Obasso's little "I Can Haz Half-Nekkid Chicks" game; it will be for my hotter than hell, smarter than hell, over-the-top Bagwine readers.

So from here to eternity, or something like that…I am saying, “Just Say No to Obasso.”

Have a lovely day one and all.

Cheers!!

Bagwine Video Home Tour: The Bedroom

Well I have videoed the final room of the Bagwine Digs...The Bedroom.

It's really not all that humorous.

If I had filmed myself having sex in there, now that would have been funny...not to mention, a rarity.

I went kinda quickly so as to keep it at 5 minutes, and I almost achieved just that.

Please enjoy yet another Bagwine cinematic masterpiece.


Wasn't that just a splendid, ill-lit piece of video? Of course it was, and I hope you enjoyed the experience.

I haven't received any Matt-Man for President T-Shirt designs from you, other than the idea from the lovely Knight.

C'mon folks, throw me a friggin' bone...Lest I throw mine your way.

I don't know what is on tap for tomorrow, but Thursday...oh man, look out!!

Thursday will mark my final installment of Half-Nekkid Thursday. The reasons will SHOCK you!!

Until tomorrow...

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Happy Birthday America!!

Happy 232nd Birthday America!!

What better way to celebrate than with something as All-American as a Hot Dog and a Beer!!?

But what's doubly nice is that I am celebrating this year with that rock star of Colonial times, Ben "Bagwine" Franklin

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!!

Have a safe and fun filled Fourth of July.

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Casting Bread Upon the Waters

I almost always take showers, instead of baths...

However...

Sometimes, even a big, bad, Bagwine drinker such as myself, enjoys being cuddled by the relaxing and refreshing warmth of a bubble bath.

The odd thing is...

When I do take a bath instead of a shower, my lovely friend Schmoop, always claims that she has a craving for me to make her toast while I'm in the tub.

And she always says, "Make sure it teeters on the edge of the tub. Toast tastes better if it's been teetering." She is such a loving soul.

Am I missing something, here?

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday to All!!

See ya tomorrow...

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Bon Apetit

Dianne of Forks Off the Moment, requested awhile back that I do a HNT in the Bagwine Kitchen.

Well, Here it is...

You may ask yourself, "Is that a turkey baster in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?"

Of course I am happy to see you, but yes, it was a baster!!

Sometimes, it gets too HOT in kitchen and I have to step out for a minute...

This is Mr. Happy Hand. Him and I have not only shared cooking great food together, we have spent many a lonely, horny night together.

Say Goodbye, Mr. Happy Hand!!

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday to all!!

I was going to talk about my upcoming camping trip with a famous person tomorrow, but I have changed my mind.

Tomorrow I will be settling this gay marriage issue once and for all.

I have a can't miss solution. So I hope you stop back by on Friday.

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Happy Father's Day

Since I took a picture of myself with June Cleaver for my Mother's Day HNT, how could I not give some props to the Fathers this week?

On your left, Clive Swift, who plays Richard Bucket...oh, excuse me, Richard Boooouquet, in the British comedy, "Keeping Up Appearances". He has an unseen son, named Sheridan.

In the middle, is of course, Dick Van Dyke, who was the father to the completely forgettable, little lad, Richie, in the Dick Van Dyke Show.

And lastly, Dick Van Patten, who as Tom Bradford played dad to eight kids in "Eight Is Enough".

I know. I am the envy of Gay-Town on this HNT. No, not because of my Atlas-Like shoulders, and my Herculean pecs...

It's because I am covered in Dick!!

Happy Father's Day to all of you studly procreators out there, and...

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday to all.

Cheers!!

Half-Nekkid Thursday: Pop a Top for Pop

I was in a bit of a quandary in regards to today’s HNT posting.

You see, today, my dad would have been 87 years old.

He has been gone nearly ten years, and I wanted to do something for his birthday.

I wondered to my self…

“Self? Is there a way to give a shout out to Dad AND do a HNT post without it being tacky?”

I’ll let you guys decide if I managed exactly that.

The following poem appeared in his second poetry book, Credo.

It is about how many of us often times lose sight of what is good in life, as we drearily drown in our drab, commuter world existence.


Prisoner of the Freeway

Let him,
who in the course of things,
denies those parts of earth
which life holds dear,
go forth,
amid the solitary loneliness of his own mind,
bearing with him
the sterile satisfaction
of a sightless vision,
that perceives only the concrete ribbons,
which encircle his red-green-amber world.

Never for him
the benediction of silent skies,
nor the prayers of trees,
gold-dipped in Autumn;
only the smug beatitudes
of his dust to dust existence,
and the false baptism of tears
shed only in laughter.

©1981 JJM

Happy Birthday Dad…I am off today, so I’ll be drinking more than a few in your honor.

As for the rest of you hooligans, Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!!

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: I Have a Mind Too, Y'Know...

Oh sure HNT is always fun, but I am tired of simply being thought of as some type of Court Jester with an incredibly ripped body, so...

I thought I would dress professionally today.

Unfortunately my suit is being cleaned. So, I have to settle for a tie only...

I think I have made my point. So with that being said and done...

I am taking you all out for lunch!!

Bacon Double Cheeseburger, anyone?

Now if you'll excuse me...As I said, my suit is being cleaned and it is time for me to go take it out of the washer and put it into the dryer.

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!!

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Memorial Day Weekend

This weekend is Memorial Day Weekend, a time we spend honoring our soldiers who have gone before us, right?

WRONG!!

Here's how we spend the time...

First we attend a parade, and delight in the pagentry of the floats and Marching Bands...

But...The parade quickly turns disturbing upon the sight of evil, candy throwing clowns and Shriners in little cars...

Yet, we still enjoy waving our American flags...Beautifully handcrafted by a 12 year old boy working for twenty cents an hour in a Beijing textile factory.

And then, it's back to the suburban backyard to enjoy a cookout consisting of that classic All-American food...The Bratwurst!!

Wanna Bite Mine!!?

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!!

Have a safe and fun-filled Memorial Day Weekend...

And may every soldier, from every war, who has passed on, find an everlasting and eternal peace.

I hope you can join me tomorrow for a spectacular, double-secret Bagwine Celebration.

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Let's Clambake, Baby

Ohhhh, Mama...The King of Bagwine is in the House, Bitches!!

Let Me Heat Up Your Pot and Toss My Angry Clam in There

Clambake Baby!!

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday

Do yourself a favor and make life a beach this weekend.

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Happy Mother's Day

Mothers’ Day is Sunday; How shall I celebrate it?

By getting nekkid with that lovable caretaker of Wally and Theodore…

Everyone’s Mom, June Cleaver!!
Love how I captured that twinkle in her eye!!

Yeah baby, she doesn’t wear a pearl necklace ‘cause it’s pretty…

She’s making a statement about getting her late 50’s, black and white freak on.

When Ward’s away, the Matt-Man and June’s beaver shall play!!

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!!

And to all of you sexy muthas out there, have a wonderful Mother's Day.

Cheers!!

Half-Nekkid Thursday: Schwingin' in the Rain!!

It's Raining Matt! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Matt! Amen!
I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get
Absolutely soaking wet!
It's Raining Matt! Hallelujah!
It's Raining Matt! Every Inch of Him!
Tall, bald, pasty and lean
Rough and tough and strong and mean

Hallelujah, Bitches, it's rainin' Matt-Man!!

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday

Join me tomorrow for a brand new Blog-Fo-Mercial...

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Is My Friendship Beginning to Wear Off?

This is me in my favorite T-Shirt. I call this shirt, Mr. Green, and he is 15 years old.

It's an old softball shirt and it is ripped and torn (much like my body) and is nowadays as paper thin as Dick Cheney's conscience.

Schmoop, among others, would like me to throw Mr. Green out.

What should I do? I'll let you guys decide.

A different perspective of me and Mr. Green. He is my friend. Sometimes, my only friend.

Should he stay or should he go?

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday.

I hope you join me tomorrow for a brand new Blog-Fo-Mercial©

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Steak, Rare, With a Side of Pope

Finally...I'll be home tonight and Schmoop wants Chef Matt-Man to cook.

So tonight, I 'll be cooking up corn, pasta, and steak.

The package says that it is Boneless, Strip Steak...

I've stripped; it's steak; but trust me, there's plenty of bone behind my meat!!

And now in honor of Pope Benedict visiting the United States and because yesterday was Blitzkrieg Benny's 81st birthday, I give you Half-Nekkid Pope Matt-Man I.

I think the lightning is striking me down because I was thinking that because Pope Benny was once a precocious, young Nazi, that his Birthday cake was baked in a big gas oven.

My sexy buddy, Schmoop, has her candlelit HNT picture up. Check her out by clicking HERE.

HHNT and Cheers!!