Monday night after work, I came home and opened the cabinet to grab a can of Cream of Potato soup for my meatless dinner.
I heard some giggling coming from behind the can of soup. I initially recoiled from surprise, and then I heard a voice emanating from behind the can say…Matt-Man, you big Mary…Afraid of a can of creamy, condensed spuds, ya girly man?
Who was the source of this voice of antagonism and ridicule?
My pal, Jeebus!!
We high fived each other, exchanged a warm yet manly hug, and then I asked him what the hell he was doing here.
He said that he just needed to get away from his digs in Heaven for awhile. He sounded a bit bummed, so I asked what the problem was.
He told me that new neighbors have moved in on either side of his pad and they are just impossible. I asked him who moved in?
Jeebus hopped atop the can and let loose…Holy Crap, Matt-Man. On one side, Jonah moved in. If I have to listen to his damn fish story one more time, I’m gonna pull my nails out. And the thing is…?
Every…time…he tells…it, his captivity gets longer, and the frickin’ fish gets bigger.
His story has gone from him being inside a 30 foot Marlin for three days and nights, to being swallowed by a 12 ton whale and living inside its belly for damn near six months.
And then he kvetches that even though he survived such a supernatural event, he only gets four damn chapters in the Bible.
Oy Vay, my dear friend, Matt…Oy Vay.
Who’s on the other side, I asked.
Oh Jeez. That would be Lazarus. Not the beggar Lazarus from The Book of Luke, he lives in Section 8 paradise…
I’m talking, Lazarus of Bethany...the one I raised from the dead.He’s always trying to horn in on my action. We had a cookout the other day, and I was grillin’ some brats and talkin’ to some chicks about being the Son of God n’shit…
Well, Lazarus got all pissy and jealous, and chimed in…Well hell, ladies, I was resurrected too; why don’t you all show ME some lovin’.
Boy, Matt-Man…Do I ever regret resurrecting his ungrateful ass. He’s such a shmeckle. But…I’m done now. I feel better. Thanks for letting me vent, my buddy.
I told Jeebus, anytime. But then I asked him a question…
I asked him, “Jeebus? Someone from Joyce Meyer Ministries has been reading my site of late. They were on it again Monday. Are you pulling a fast one me?”
Jeebus laughed, and said…
Ha. I put a divine word into her ear and told Joyce to read Bagwine Ruminations.
I laughed and asked, “Why? Do you think her stopping by and checking my site out will save my soul?”
Jeebus responded…
Ha…Good Lord, No. I was hoping that if Joyce and her cronies read your blog long enough, it would save their sorry, sinning asses.
As we laughed, we high fived once more, and I said to him, “You’re the best, Jeebus.”
And as he dissipated into the night, through his heavenly laughter he said…
Of course I am…I’m Jeebus Christ, Bitch!!
Oh how I love going meatless during Lent.
Cheers!!
Update: Hee Hee. Joyce Meyer is gettin' saved. Praise Jeebus!!
Visitor Information: 70.252.207.230 (JOYCE MEYER MINISTRIES 2 OF) [Label Visitor]
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Entry Page: http://bagwine.blogspot.com/2009/03/cream-of-potato-soup-with-side-of-joyce.html
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47 comments:
MattMan - father confessor of the Lord.
I love love love Cream of Potato soup! (I use all milk not half milk/half water)
Kat: Ha. I use half milk/half water, please forgive me. But yes, I looooove it as well. Cheers Kat!!
Bagwine, OH - the new pilgrimage site. Read Matt-Man and ye shall be SAVED!
Songbird: Damn Straight...The Lord speaks through me and dwells in my cabinet full o' beans. Cheers!!
"Section 8 Paradise". That made water come out of my nose. LOL.
KAren: Ha. I was most amused by that subtle little line myself. Glad you picked up on it. Have a great day, Karen. Cheers!!
Lot's of beans on your shelf.
I know I couldn't do it!
Micky: It's not a living Hell. I sorely miss the meat, but fortunately I have yet to meet a bean that I didn't like, and I looooove soup. Cheers Mick!!
the 13th disciple our very own Matt Man..
Snugs: Ha. There are worse selections that could be made for that title. Aren't there? AREN'T THERE!? ; ) Go in Peace, and Cheers, Snugs!!
Hey there I have to say I am not heebed (pardon the pun) out by the laughing Jesus. First one I've seen and it sure grows on ya. See organized religion, Jesus doesn't have to be all scarey and shit :)
Right on Matt-man.
Lu: Ha. "Heebed Out". I like that. And you're right...
Jeebus is not scary. He has a heavenly disposition, a Godly sense of compassion, but he also has one Helluva sense of humor. He's quite the practical joker. Cheers Pal!!
I seriously doubt that Jesus would talk to you let alone even think about you. Youre a sad man.
Did you check the label on that soup? Sometimes those sneaky manufactures use meat broth and such. That's probably why you're so angry.
I just love the word "schmeckle" !!
Nicole: Are you kidding? Jeebus loves me. And by the way...You're an Ass Clown. Cheers!!
Michele: Oh hell, I don't care about meat broth. I can't get all hung up on that. I'm angry because I'd really like some bacon, or a big greasy cheeseburger. Cheers Michele!!
Dianne: Ha. I do too. It may be my fave Yiddish word, evah. Cheers Di!!
...Jeebus called you a "Mary"...Bwahahahahahahaahha!!!...
Phfrankie: Ha. Oh how I love ironic humor, as evidently you do as well. Cheers P-Man!!
Thanks honey! Now I know what I'm having for dinner! A cheeseburger WITH bacon!! Oh, and Nicole...why don't you take a flying leap at a galloping goose's ass!!!
Schmoop: Ha. Why stop at the cheeseburger? Why not have a huge chunk of the meatloaf that your brother brought over for your dessert? You two suck.
But thanks for the latter...Nicole needs dirt sleep. Cheers and Zoves!!
LOL...You are one F***ED UP man. I mean that in a good way.
Anony: Ha. Why thank you sir and/or madam. I appreciate a comment like that immensely. Cheers!!
well Nicole the poor twit doesn't know the good Jeebus too well, he even loves the likes of her and has been known the heal lepers like her too :)
Snugs: Well said...And the only thing I might add is that Jeebus should turn some water into wine, give it to her, and ask her to lighten up. Cheers Snugs!!
Um…yeah…not going let this one go by…
Hey Nicole - just wanted to point out that Jesus…of Nazareth? … the one in the Bible? Jesus The Christ? THAT Jesus most certainly loves MattMan. Loves every little hair on his head. Equally to His love for you and me. If you’ve spent any time reading about His modus operandi…and that of the Lord…you’d realize Mateo is exactly the type of guy Jesus would talk to.
Perhaps you were thinking of a different Jesus?
Maybe the one that works down at the taqueria?
Kat: Ha. You do realize don't you, that you have the not so rare flash of brilliance, right?
But seriously, don't say that Jesus loves every one of my hairs...because, really, with my hair line, that ain't a whole lotta love. Cheers and Thanks, Kat!!
I took out the "what's left of them " part...seriously
however...it occurs to me He loves all your little hairs.
Most of us long time readers have seen the rest of your body...you got plenty of hair elsewhere to love....
laughing Laughing LAUGHING
Kat: Ha...True enough. And I appreciate your recognition of my hairy body of work. Pax Vobiscum, and Rowwwwwwwr. Cheers!!
I see all of your followers are jumping to your defnse. Think your something dont you? Have fun with that.
just to be clear Nicole...
I am a Christ follower.
Mateo is my dear friend.
Both are fun.
I am not jumping to Matt's defense by saying that Jesus loves him. Sorry, but I don't believe in Santa Claus either.
God, I mean, Whoever, it feels good to come out of the Agnostic Closet.
What I will say is this: Matt, your diet must be working because you look very fit and thin in real life.
Nicole: I don't have "followers". There are people who come here to laugh with me and each other, and upon occasion expose stupid people for what they are. Sometimes we don't even agree with one and other. Oh my, does your tiny mind comprehend that!? You're a jerk, but I love you and so does the Holy Baby Jeebus. Pfffffft. Cheers!!
Kat: And there is no reason why both can't be fun. Cheers Kat!!
Fantasy: Why thanks...And you look HAWT!! Sorry that you had to miss the cake and the Rose we had ready for ya. Call me sometime...I mean, if you find your phone. ; ) Good to see ya, Meg. Cheers!!
You have so much more fun with Jesus than I do. Whenever he comes over here he just sits on my couch and drinks my beer while bitching about his followers. It gets old man.
Jay: HA. Now I know why he is always half shit faced when he shows up here. Cheers Jay!!
Jeebus sometimes visits my pantry too! That's how I first came to exclaim, "Good Christ on a cracker!!"
lolol
Giggle: He is always pulling that old manna from Heaven trick. He's a riot. Cheers GP!!
Man that Jeebus dude is one sick puppy...here you are honoring him, not eating any meat (except fish, but that does not count), and he relates a tale of him grilling Brats....so very mean of him
Nicole is very lonely right now....she can't even seem to come up with original posts at her place...
Nicole, you would not know Jesus if he sat next to you. Your anger and spitefulness has drowned you in a world of darkness....
Bond: I would expect no less from Jeebus. He's always needling me. Damn, pig eating Messiah.
As for Nicole...Eh? I bet she's a hot chick who has never had an orgasm. If only she would be nice to me. I'd give her one. Cheers Vinny!!
I read Starr's blog daily (mostly to keep up with what my hippie raised, goth evolved, music obscessed daughter is up to that particular hectic day) and decided to check out her buddy Matt's site.... Daughter o' mine!! no wonder you like this dude! I died laughing!! He is the brother you never had! Matt, your mama did good! Starr's parental unit...
I would never follow Matt after a diet of beans... I may be dumb but I am NOT stupid!
Mamma: Ha. Well, that is high praise indeed, and you did well on the birthing of children front as well. Here's to you and your daughter. Cheers!!
Cheesy: You are not dumb...You are not stupid...You are HAWT!! Cheers Cheesy!!
Oooh...my MOM even likes you. Hear that Nicole? Get bent your fuckless twat =)
And no that really was my mom and not me on vicodin :P I like your Jeebus and I feel his pain. Don't we all know someone with just one good story to their life? After the 5 recitation I'd be parting the Red Sea again and covering Jonah up with it!
Oh, I love it when Jeebus stops by. Always entertaining.
Don't be too hard on Nicole. Her friend is still hurting and she's trying to help in her own way. This particular effort might be counter-productive and misguided but she must care about her friend and that counts for something.
I also love Cream of Potato soup (all milk, like Kat!).
Starr: Oh yeah...I have an in, now!! Poor Nikki. I think she'd fare better if SHE was on Vicodin. Cheers, you broken toe person, you!!
Desert Rat: You're assuming that her friend is more than a figment of her twisted imagination. But, yeah...What could be better than potato soup and Jeebus? Nothing, that's what. Cheers Rat!!
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