Matt-Man, By The Numbers

As one who has always focused on words and language, math has never been my forte.

In school it was the one subject that I actually had to work at, but I did pretty well and I enjoyed it.

Geometry and Algebraic word problems always fascinated me and I liked doing them.

So today in honor of my little known love of all things numeric, I give you me...by the numbers.

5 is the number of pounds I have lost since Lent began 22 days ago.

Akron, Ohio State, Cleveland State, Dayton, and Xavier make up the 5 teams from Ohio that are in the 64 team field of the NCAA Basketball Tournament.

0 is the number of these teams that will, in all likelihood, advance beyond Round 2. Xavier, a Number 4 Seed, is really good, but their free-throw shooting blows.

I hope to have sex with Schmoop 2 times today. It’s been 5 long days since I have done Number 9 with her.

Number 9, by the way, is the new, hip phrase for lickity-lick labia loving that is really catching on.

Since the phrase came into being on my post of March 13th, Cheesy and Mystery Chick have invoked its use.

Ladies, be one of the cool kids like those 2 chicks and tell your husband, boyfriend, or German Shepherd that you want some Number 9.

Spread them legs and spread the phrase!!

Oh, and guys? Learn how to love it, and more importantly, learn how to do it right!!

5 days from now it will be Meg’s Birthday, and Ryno and his mom will be leaving for D.C. on a 4 day school trip.

8 days from now, Schmoop will celebrate birthday number 43. There will be no birthday sex because she will be shedding her uterine lining at that time.

So I’ll just give her a kiss, say Happy Birthday, sit in the corner, and cry 96 tears.

While typing this post, I had 27 impure thoughts, and touched Seamus 5 times.

Since I am done now, I am going to drink 2 beers, smoke 1 cigarette, rouse Schmoop, and see if she’s up for some Number 9.

Enjoy your March 19th. And, as I have said in nearly all of my previous 1,088 posts…

Cheers!!

Addendum: I was just informed that today, Michele of It's a Dog's Life is celebrating her 26th Wedding Anniversary. Go wish that uber-cool, vegetarian, Librarian a Happy One. Cheers Michele!!

Hello? Could We Have Some Heat?

Is it ever going to get warm here in Bagwine, Ohio?

Yesterday I worked all day and it was in the 20’s with 30 mph winds.

Damn it was cold…

As you can tell from the picture below, I even wore my vest. As I rarely wear a coat, that means it was cold.

If you look closely into the cigarette case over my left (your right) shoulder, you can see that I had a helper yesterday.

Damn straight, Jeebus was watching over me. And by the way…Jeebus smokes Basic Full Flavor just like me.

He is truly a man of the people.

I walked a little closer to the camera after the shot above, and look what happened…


Yep, Jeebus popped up through my vest to put his mug in the picture. He is such a ham…Ooops…

Sorry ‘bout the ham reference, King of the Jews…Didn’t mean to put your Jewishness into question.

Anyhoo, it’s as though Jeebus popped right out of my soul. It is good to have a friend in Jeebus.

Well, after work, Jeebus and I headed home and tried to shake the cold from our bones.

I had a couple of beers and then warmed my heart by decorating our Year-Long Holiday Tree for the month of March.

As I did last month, I shot a short video of the tree for your enjoyment.

I hope you like it.

Happy March to all of you. I’m going to spend the first Monday of this month freezing my boys off at work this evening.

C’mon Mother Nature…Bring on da Heat!!

Cheers!!

Choosy Female Bloggers Choose Matt-Man and Jay

Earlier this month, the hot, come-hither hippie, Meg, of Prefers Her Fantasy Life, named me as one of her ten Blog crushes.

I believe nine of her ten crushes were males.

I was quite honored, and needless to say, more than a bit aroused…by Meg, not the other eight guys you morons.

However…

In addition to enjoying Meg’s post, I was struck by one of the comments left by a female reader.

She said something to the effect, “I never read blogs by guys.”

It wasn’t in a nasty manner or anything like that, just a matter-of-fact statement.

I told Schmoop about the comment, to which Schmoop replied…

“Yeah, so? Neither do I. I mean other than yours, Jay’s, Dad Gone Mad, and once in awhile Rude Cactus, I only read blogs by women…mainly the Mommy Bloggers.”

As evidenced by the vast amount of sweet, steamy estrogen in the comment section of Bagwine Ruminations, some women do read Matt-Man, but…

After hearing Schmoop’s response...

I looked around and read blogs by women/mommies that draw incredible audiences, and they are comprised of nearly all women.

And I ruminated…

What is with the zealous, feminine loyalty of many women reading blogs by other women and mommies exclusively?

Now, I’m not knocking these bloggers.

Hell, I commend them for building followings larger than that of the echo produced by Lindsay Lohan’s hoo-ha while it’s being talked dirty to by a hot chick.

But man...

How many captions of cute family pictures, tales about green baby shit, and narratives on how some uptight wife had her feelings hurt because hubby said that her green beans were underdone, can one read?

Holy Crap!! Schmoop, and many other women, read this type of repetitive blog barf (from here on out, known as blarf) everyday and rarely venture on to the sweaty, semen stained turf of a male blog.

When I pressed her as to why, she said…

“I find that the majority of you men who blog, can’t spell, and have absolutely nothing to say.”

Unbelievable. Her statement leaves me in a state of confusion. If she is correct and yet, 80-90% of my readers are women what does that say about me? Or someone like Jay?

If we men have nothing to say that interest women, and yet they return time and time again, it says one thing, and one thing only…

Jay and I, are a couple of smokin’ hot pieces of man-meat whom the ladies simply cannot live without.

And yeah, I can live with that.

Cheers!!