Happy Friday and Color Me Happy!!

It’s Friiiiiiiday, Chuckleheads and I have a slight hangover, but pressing on, for I have things to do today.

This shall be a brief post, however, every time I say that, it never is…oh well.

Jayman and I put on one helluva good trash Valentine's Day show on I’m With Stupid last night. Okay, it was pretty good, maybe not great, but well…yeah, it was pretty damn good.

If you missed it, you can listen to it by listening on the handy dandy BTR radio thingy:



I and I’m sure Jayman as well would like to thank Dana for calling in at the onset in case we had no callers.

Dana was this week’s hired hand to provide an opposite view to our caustic outlook on life. Her check is already in the mail, however, I forgot to sign it, so it’s worthless.

I guess Dana, can consider the unsigned check, a teachable moment.

On the downside, something happened prior and during the show that is very unfortunate.

I’m With Stupid’s intern, Little Jimmy Stewart, needs to be reprimanded if not fired for violating company policy.

He forgot that it is an intern’s job to keep the co-host (in this case me) sober during the show. Knocking on my studio door and showing up with a bottle of Captain Morgan minutes before the show is not conducive to that.

While I appreciate, his professionalism in keeping my glass full during the show, I think at the very least, a slap on the wrist is in order.

Anyhoo…give the show a listen.

It’s only 30 minutes or so long, and yes, I know, those are 30 minutes of your life you’ll never get back, but seriously what else we‘re you going to do? Uh-huh, thought so.

Other than that, I want to thank my smokin’ hot friend Rat for the incredibly nice B-Day card she sent me.

Only through the hard work and dedication of the United States Postal Service did it take a mere 11 days to get here.

When it did get here yesterday, I rubbed it all over my crotch. And…It felt good. Seriously though, thanks Rat; it was sweet as always.

Lastly…

I have dug a certain reader for a lonnnnng time, but lately, and I don’t know why, I have her on my mind…

Okay, maybe that’s why…Ahhhhh…is that a good picture to start the weekend off with, or what?

Have a great weekend all, and as always…

Cheers!!

With This Blog I Thee Wed...And Most Likely Divorce Later

Last week something silly yet amusing happened in the blogsophere and in the Twitterhood.

Several folks…Mrs. D, Mandy, and Jay each wrote posts involving celebrities that they would enjoying having as their next husband or wife.

Bagwine buddy, Doc chimed in on Twitter that he should do a similar thing involving “real people”, i.e. people he interacts with on his blog and through Twitter.

After he had the idea, he chickened out. However, after much coercion berating encouragement from Mrs. D and myself, Doc acquiesced and posted a list on Twitter.

He named 10 chicks who would make a great hypothetical second wife.

Of course, I told him that he named 10 so no chicks would be left off, get mad, and kick his ass. But I digress, sorta, and well, anyhoo…

I said what the hell…I’ll limit myself to a mere five bloggers with whom I get all randy and post it today. True to my word, I am doing it now.

I took into consideration, many aspects such as the length of time I have known certain bloggers. Do they make me hot in some way, and plain and simple of course do I like them?

To wit, heretofore, and in no particular order is my list: Matt-Man’s Top Five Picks To Be His Future Ex-Wife…


Mystery Chick: Chick began stopping by about a year ago. Her avatar that she used was a picture of herself wearing glasses. Chicks in glasses make me hot. I don’t know what it is.

MC is amusing, but more than that, she strikes me as sweet and somewhat vulnerable in a “God Damn!! Could Someone Please Allow Me To Unleash My Pent-Up Passion On Them?” kinda way.

On top of that, she has described some great shit she has cooked.

Who wouldn’t want a sweet, kind whore in the bedroom and a chef in the kitchen? When she cooked, I would quickly volunteer to toss her salad.

Dianne: Oh my kindred, sassy, even further left of me politically, Brooklyn accent, Joisey girl. I love her to death and would enjoy being her sex knish.

Di never fails to make me laugh, and I enjoy debating and listening to her talk politics, but it all goes back to the things she says that turn me on.

Di called Schmoop and I Christmas Day. Her son happened to be near her and Schmoop told Di that she thought he was hot. So…

Dianne told her son to take the phone and tell Schmoop, Hi.

He asked her who Schmoop was and Di replied, “She’s the girlfriend of the man your mom wants to have sex with.”

How the hell can you not fall in love with a woman like that? I dig her so.

Desert Rat: Oh my, my Rat. I have talked to her for some time now as well. I love me some Rat. I have plenty of friends I have met over this new fangled blogging thing but none any sweeter than her.

Her heart is completely and utterly well intentioned and she's there whenever one needs a kind word, or thought.

She’s also a scientist which is hot, ‘cause it means she is smart and she is cute, so I guess that means she is a High IQ-utie!!

I would love to say when asked what my wife does, “She’s a scientist, is your wife still pole dancing?”

Another good thing about scientists…They’re into experimentation. Yeah baby, yeah!!

Dana: Dana and I have been interacting for years now and well, what can I say? Never a harsh word or disagreement has befallen us. We’re completely like-minded. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!

Hell, there’s been times that hate and never speaking to one and other was not out of the question.

And yet? We time and time again, overcome that crap and still remain friends who can discuss things on a personal level.

On top of that she has nice tits. I like tits. I wish I had tits. But seriously, as it has been said, “When two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.”

That isn’t the case between Dana and I, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Lastly, but not least, um…leastly?

Marilyn: I was checking things out. Marilyn has been commenting here longer than any regular commenter that graces the pages of Bagwine, and I have always dug her.

Marilyn has a science degree too. What is with me and science geeks? Anyhoo, she makes signs (denoted by the ad on my left sidebar.) I find that incongruent on the surface, but…

It does take detail, and she shows her detail and sense of subtlety and nuance as well when she writes her One Word Impressions.

They are great, and I have a deep affection for anyone who can artfully paint with the written word.

I find subtlety in another area as well. She oft times seems frazzled, but I see a quiet strength in her, and her wit is as fucking funny and as dry as they come. Her humor is arid times ten.

And there you have it…My Top Five Future Ex-Wives.

I apologize for the length of this post, but in all seriousness, it could have been longer because I barely scratched the surface of what I think about these adorable people.

Have a Happy Hump day all, and as always…

Cheers!!

Is This Post About Me, Or Chick? Eh, Either Way, It's Sweet!!

You know what I discovered?

I discovered that I really don’t care what people think of me.

And…I don’t mean that in a “fuck the world, I’m on drugs” kinda way. Let me tell ya…

My ex once said to my son, Ryno, “If you don’t get good grades you’ll end up working at a Drive-Thru like your dad.”

Yeah, uh-huh…she really did. And it hurt…temporarily.

When I found that out, I wanted to say,

“If you’re not careful son, you’ll end up marrying some bitch with a death wish and the wish is all about you.”

But, my good nature precluded me from saying that...and I digress...

A couple of people said things to me recently that made me happy. First of all, Schmoop said:

“Hey, Mahone? Ya wanna sleep with me tonight?”

She didn’t ask me ‘cause I was in need. For God’s sakes she needs my dick more than I need her hoo-ha, but she asked me because she thought it would be nice…and as you guys know…my back hates that bed.

Ha...like she needs my dick more than I need her thang...Ha..I kill myself. Anyhoo, to my point...

Someone who is a relative new commenter to Bagwine said something yesterday that rocked my world…

My relatively new buddy Mystery Chick said the following:

“I tried to stay up til you posted tonite but was unable to keep my eyes open. Luckily for me I got an ill-timed text that woke me and now I can have my daily fix.”

It was the fact that she implied that she stays up until I post that set me off.

I melted…Now don’t get me wrong…I’ve seen pictures of her cleavage and I dig her cleavage and fishnet stockings, purrrrrr, but that wasn’t it. I was just kinda shocked…in a good way,

I thought Chick, saying that she stayed up for my post, was the coolest thing in the world.

Someone, perhaps, Scott said this week that I’m a lucky guy…

And you know what? I am. I have a job, a woman who loves me (well, at least one), and as Schmoop says, “a place to come home to.”

I felt tonight, and I don't know why, and I know this post is all disjointed and what not, but I've been thinking about MC for a couple of reasons and wanted to say hey. That's all.

Chick is going through some tough times, as are many people. She didn’t realize it, but she made my day, and I feel the need to pay her back.

Not because she expects it, but because I want to.

So Chick..if you see this or not…here’s to ya.

And while I am working 11-9 today…all you folks show someone out there that you care…intentionally or not.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man, By The Numbers

As one who has always focused on words and language, math has never been my forte.

In school it was the one subject that I actually had to work at, but I did pretty well and I enjoyed it.

Geometry and Algebraic word problems always fascinated me and I liked doing them.

So today in honor of my little known love of all things numeric, I give you me...by the numbers.

5 is the number of pounds I have lost since Lent began 22 days ago.

Akron, Ohio State, Cleveland State, Dayton, and Xavier make up the 5 teams from Ohio that are in the 64 team field of the NCAA Basketball Tournament.

0 is the number of these teams that will, in all likelihood, advance beyond Round 2. Xavier, a Number 4 Seed, is really good, but their free-throw shooting blows.

I hope to have sex with Schmoop 2 times today. It’s been 5 long days since I have done Number 9 with her.

Number 9, by the way, is the new, hip phrase for lickity-lick labia loving that is really catching on.

Since the phrase came into being on my post of March 13th, Cheesy and Mystery Chick have invoked its use.

Ladies, be one of the cool kids like those 2 chicks and tell your husband, boyfriend, or German Shepherd that you want some Number 9.

Spread them legs and spread the phrase!!

Oh, and guys? Learn how to love it, and more importantly, learn how to do it right!!

5 days from now it will be Meg’s Birthday, and Ryno and his mom will be leaving for D.C. on a 4 day school trip.

8 days from now, Schmoop will celebrate birthday number 43. There will be no birthday sex because she will be shedding her uterine lining at that time.

So I’ll just give her a kiss, say Happy Birthday, sit in the corner, and cry 96 tears.

While typing this post, I had 27 impure thoughts, and touched Seamus 5 times.

Since I am done now, I am going to drink 2 beers, smoke 1 cigarette, rouse Schmoop, and see if she’s up for some Number 9.

Enjoy your March 19th. And, as I have said in nearly all of my previous 1,088 posts…

Cheers!!

Addendum: I was just informed that today, Michele of It's a Dog's Life is celebrating her 26th Wedding Anniversary. Go wish that uber-cool, vegetarian, Librarian a Happy One. Cheers Michele!!