Even When I'm Off, I Am Sooooo On

Ahhhhh Saturday. I am off today, and since Ryno's Uncle and his family are in town, I have nothing to do.

Of course, just because Ryno will be tied up with his cousins, leaving me with no plans or commitments, don't think for a minute that I will just be some type of Saturday slug.

I don't laze around on my days off. Take this past Thursday for instance...

Schmoop and I were both off, so in between taking Ryno to a couple of places in the morning, I took the time to go to the store in order to pick up some much needed refreshments...

Schmoop decided to do a little painting in the bathroom. I was taste testing the beer when I heard Schmoop say: "Hey. I need more white paint in my can."

Seeing the position that she was in when she voiced her need, you can understand that I didn't know if she was actually asking for more paint or if she was coming on to me by talking dirty.

Anyhoo...Shortly after her brief painting gig, she entered the kitchen where I was standing still doing some taste tasting.

I caught her in a light that really highlighted some gray in her hair. As we like to lives of full disclosure, I said to her: "Wow. The gray in your hair is blinding in the light of the kitchen."

Her response to my statement left little to the imagination as to how she felt about my keen powers of observation...

In order to make up for it, I decided to make things right. I broke out the Garnier hair color, and offered to color her hair for her.

I hadn't noticed this before, but I was amused, aroused, and convinced that the number of the color on the box was a foreshadow of things to come later that evening...


Well, I sat her ass down in a chair in the kitchen and soaked her head with the toxic follicle flavoring and proceeded to work it in like only I can...

Doesn't she look thrilled? Of course she does. Behind that pained facade, lies one happy woman. Anyhoo, after 35 minutes the process was complete and the invasive, silver locks of age were replaced by a head full of intense auburn glory...

She still doesn't look too thrilled, does she? I know that her apparent disdain could not be the result of the company she is with. Maybe she's hungry. Shall I cook something, I asked myself. I did...

What is that gorgeous looking meal, being served on our finest china, you ask? It is Loosemeat Stroganoff Casserole. I invented it on the fly.

I baked ground beef, egg noodles, sour cream, secret herbs and spices, and gave the whole thing a splendiferous topping.

The orangeish stuff you see is the crust that baked on top. I made the crust out of Lay's Sour Cream and Onion Stax, Butter, and Cheese. Schmoop looooooved it.

Man, on my day off Thursday I carted Ryno around. I went to the store. I colored Schmoop's hair. I even invented and cooked a delicious meal, and guess what else I did...

After the the food and drink were consumed, I took Schmoop and her gorgeous new head of hair to the bedroom, and finally got around to doing what she mentioned earlier in the day...

I "filled her can with plenty of white paint", babies. Oh yeah I did.

I am one selfless 21st Century Renaissance Man. Who knows what this day off will hold for me... and for others?

Cheers!!

Rug Burns and Fishing Poles

It is done peoples…

As it is so close to the 4th of July...

Schmoop and I have appropriately enough, gained our independence from stained, yellowish walls and threadbare carpet that was put down sometime between the Nixon and Carter administrations.

The painting (other than some touch ups) is done and the new carpet has been laid.

No pictures yet, as we have yet to put everything back into place, but let me tellz ya…

We are getting rid of quite a bit of our crap and keeping pictures, knick knacks, and the such to a minimum. Our Love Shack will be looking sleek.

Hell, Schmoop got rid of the bed frame and has the box and the mattress directly on the floor of the bedroom.

As we are both off today, later in the afternoon and evening, we are going to break in the new carpet and see what kind of rug burn patterns it puts on Schmoop’s knees.

I guess when we’re done breaking it in, we will also find out if the carpet is stain resistant. I’ll report back to you with the results.

First off on this glorious Thursday, I am going fishing with Ryno this morning. My brother Vinny is coming along with us.

As my brother Vince is a bit of an oddball, the pictures from our angling expedition should be a hoot. If I happen to shoot a video of Vinny fishing, trust me on this…

The visuals and the dialogue of the V-Man will be like watching Babe Winkelman meets Federico Fellini.

Anyhoo…Wednesday was a long day and night, so that is all that I have. But keeping in line with our Independence Day celebration this week, I leave you with two classic Inky and Lola cartoons…





Enjoy your Thursday all...If you're not around tomorrow for me to tell you, let me say this now...

Have a safe and sex filled 4th of July. I will and I may even give you a preview of it tomorrow.

Cheers!!

Monday Mishmash...

A little bit of Monday Mish-Mash for you all…

I have two days left to get the painting of the digs completed. We’re slightly behind schedule due to a couple of incidents.

Last weekend, I got deathly sick for 36 hours which wiped out one day of painting.

Yesterday, Schmoop was going to paint while I was at work, however…

While Schmoop (who has a knack for spontaneous personal injury) was moving the dresser away from the wall in the bedroom, guess what happened?

That’s right…The damn thing fell on her, pinning her between the floor and a drawer full of my underwear!!

It’s fortunate that she is off all this week because she is still in pain. You’d think however, that once she freed herself, she would have painted for awhile, but nooooooooooo.

Such a damn slacker…Oh well. We’ll get it finished before the carpet gets installed later this week.

I have told you about some of the off the wall requests I have heard at the Drive-Thru BEER mine in which I work.

People have asked for things like bread, batteries, buttermilk, coffee filters, etc. Well, I had the topper of all requests yesterday.

A hot babe who is a regular customer, came through, bought a pack of smokes, and then asked me the question that I had waited LONG and HARD to hear. Are ya ready, folks? She asked me…

“How do I cook a pot roast? I just got a great deal on one, but haven’t a clue how to make it.”

Damn right, Bitches. Instead of sexiness, I obviously ooze culinary acumen.

Of course, I did tell her how to cook it. Both the oven and my crockpot versions, because…well…I’m cool like that.

Stopped by Ryno’s after work. I ate dinner with him and the ex. She had made salmon. I’m not a big fan, but it wasn’t bad. Afterwards, Ryno and I shot some hoops.

I wanted to get a good perspective as to how tall the little shit is getting so I had his mom take some pictures of us…

Dear God, he’s only about an inch and a half to two inches shorter than me now. Unbelievable. He’s a keeper.

Ryno, his Uncle Vince, and I are going to do some fishing later this week. I’ll have some pictures of that mishap after our outing.

Lastly…

Here’s to Billy Mays who passed away yesterday. As of this writing, the cause of death is unknown, but I’m thinking that he OD’d from snorting too much OxiClean and either his heart or his head went Kaboom!

No matter what happened, there isn’t enough Mighty Putty in the world to fix him.

On the upside, he is now with the Lord basking in the Orange Glo of Heaven. Rest in Peace, Billy Mays.

Now, back to the painting and then headed to work the Beer Mine later. Let’s hope that we can complete the painting without Schmoop breaking any bones…or puncturing a lung...or dislocating her hoo ha.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man: Pretty in Pink

As I got ready for work late Friday afternoon, I looked around the apartment and took in the look and smell of the fresh paint.

It's going to look good. It's going to look pretty.

That pretty feeling rubbed off on me and so...

I thought I would take that pretty feeling and go to work looking pretty. Pretty in Pink that is...

I look HAWT in that picture, don't I? No, really, I'm sweating...And guess what?

It was so damn hot and humid yesterday that I worked sans underwear. Yeah Bitches, I was much closer to my customers than they realized.

Anyhoo...That's all I got. I am off to see Ryno for a few this morning and then headed back to the digs to finish the painting.

Have a wunnerful Saturday, all.

Cheers!!

Bagwine, Interrupted

Just as Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson passed from this earth yesterday, I am today, shutting down Bagwine Ruminations.

Okay, not with the same finality of the aforementioned celebrities, but…

My painting of the Bagwine Love Shack has reached the point where I must paint the walls in the area of the computer desk, so my computer will be all but down for awhile.

And…between working tonight, and my self-imposed Saturday evening deadline of having the entire paint job done, I will only be around here and there.

I know…you’ll miss me, and I appreciate that.

Just found out that Schmoop is off until July 6th. Oh Baby!! Fresh paint, new carpet, and Schmoop at home for a week!? Boy Howdy, there are going to be some fireworks popping off at the Bagwine digs.

Anyhoo…Here’s to Farrah Fawcett, whose famous swimsuit poster was for a time, the most masturbated to picture in the world.

And to Michael Jackson, about whom it was once said, “Michael is proof positive that only in America can a black boy grow up to become a white woman.”

May both of you rest in peace.

To Governor Mark Sanford, here’s to ya buddy. You lucked out. Because of the passing of Jackson, your saucy escapades have been all but erased from the headlines.

And, to all of you adorable chuckleheads…

Enjoy your Friday, and your first full weekend of Summer 2009. I’ll be around when I can.

Cheers!!

The Evolution of the Bagwine Abode

I'm still sanding, filling holes, and painting, but at least my schedule is back to normal starting today.

Instead of working during the blinding light of the day, I am back on my evening hours, and thus I get to see more of you lovable miscreants.

Anyhoo...I have some pictures of the Bagwine abode. Pictures that show the walls stripped bare, scratched up from sandpaper, and ready to roll in latex.

I warn you; these "pre-painted" pictures are not for the faint of heart. Here's the Bagwine abode before the rejuvenation...

Looking up towards the ceiling as one would enter the hallway...Some may ask...Matt? Are you going to be lazy and paint around the mirror? Ha. Of course not...I'm going to paint right over the reflective muthafuckah!!

This is the corner of the living room where I look at porn our computer sits.

We have taken down the famous green and white Bagwine slat blinds and they're already in the dumpster. I wanted to temporarily put a sheet over the window to give the place that "crack house" look, but I didn't. The Chinese Lanterns? Oh, they'll be going back up, Bitches!!


The Bagwine Holiday Tree in all of it's 4th of July glory. The wall has a slathering of the new paint on it. The color is called "Silken Gray"...The name alone, fills the apartment with a gentle, foggy, calm..........or something.

So there's a few before pictures fer ya. A little painting today. A full day of painting on my day off tomorrow, we'll finish up sometime on Saturday, and await the new carpet that is coming late next week.

I know how ya feel. This post was pretty damn exciting for me too. I'll try to dial back the excitement level when preparing tomorrow's offering.

Cheers!!

Dispatches From My Ass: Puttin' On Latex

Schmoop here with yet another, Dispatch from my Ass…

These next two weeks are going to be gruesome. Gruesome I tellz ya!

I’m still not back to full time, and I’m sure I never will be. Idiot boss/owner/mental patient.

I’m still looking, and I’m sure I WILL find something soooo much better. Either that, or I’m moving down to ‘R’ Kansas with my Jay Man!!

However, that is not the reason for this blewg. No siree babies, I’ve got news, BIG NEWS!!

The next two weeks, we are painting the love shack! Whoo Hoo!

Pale gray with white trim. Of course, the kitchen and bath have to be white, but hey, I can deal with that.

And then, and then….we get new carpet on July 1st!! Yea! Tannish, brownish, whitish. Soooo much better than what we currently have.

And then, and then….new tile in the kitchen, and bathroom. Yea!! We have lived here for nine years, and our apartment manager has been trying to give us this for a year, but…

I was the one holding the abode alterations up.

What was my hesitation you ask? Well, let me tell ya.

I AM AFRAID OF ANY KIND OF CHANGE WHATSOEVER.

I know, I know, not me, the chick who will pose for any picture for the Matt-Man, but it’s true.

Our house is so full of STUFF; it’s not even funny. Matt will tell you that I’m imagining things, and that I’m nuts, but I fear THINGS.

Brother D will be helping, and no doubt both of them will tell me to GO somewhere…anywhere…just not here!!

Anyhoo…painting, carpeting, cleaning, and tileing will progress. I think I’ll hide down in the laundry room. In the corner. With my cat. Sucking my thumb. Sobbing.

So, would anyone like to invite me to their house for the next, oh I don’t know…month?

I’ll bring you brownies…um from the store. You do not want me to make you anything, trust me.

Anyone? No? Huh…go figure.

If I don’t make it, because I have either slit my wrists or Matt or Dave kill me during this ordeal, say something nice about me at my funeral, m’kay?

Zoves,
Schmoop