Mike Huckabee: Political Whore of Babylon

Happy Hump Day chuckleheads let’s spoon out some hodgepodge, shall we? Great…

First up, Bagwine Ruminations’ ol pal Mike Huckabee is in the news.

The Huckster said in an interview yesterday that President Obama grew up in Kenya.

This came as news to all, especially Obama himself who never realized that the Catholic schools he attended in Indonesia were actually Muslim Brainwashing factories located in Nairobi.

Guv? As an alleged man of God, who may run for President, pick a side, because it is impossible for anyone to run for President AND be a man of God.

Huck went on to say that his Kenyan roots led Obama to BELIEVE that the British were Imperialists. Ha. I never realized that one had to grow up in Kenya to KNOW that the Brits were Imperialists.

The worse thing about that statement by Huck is that if he doesn’t know that the Brits were Imperialists, he may as well open up a MENSA Chapter with Sarah Palin.

Oy…

One week from today is Ash Wednesday and I shall be going Smokeless for Jeebus!!

Yes, in just seven short days I shall being giving up my cigarettes for at least the forty-six days during Lent.

Hopefully, the Lord will feed me nicotine through the process of Holy Osmosis or someone will surely die.

Lastly…

Tomorrow night on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio at 11 PM EST…

Jayman and I will be celebrating the Life and Times of Charlie Sheen. We will be talking not only abut Charlie Sheen but all of our fave celebrity train wrecks.

From Boy George to George Michael to Larry Craig to Gary Busey, Lindsay Lohan, and Mel Gibson.

Kim Fragile may even being doing a Live Remote from the Betty Ford Center.

Having fun with the demise of others always makes for good radio. In fact, Charlie Sheen did a promo for tomorrow night's show…



(if the play button doesn’t work, click twaud.io)

It shall be a good time and we hope you listen and call in with your favorite stories of celebrity demise at 661.244.9852.

That’s I’m With Stupid Thursday at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio. You can access our show page by clicking HERE.

That’s all I gots for today. Happy Hump Day and as always…

Cheers!!

Values Voter Summit: Mike Huckabee Wins Straw Poll, and America Wins Back God

It’s going to be a dreary, rainy Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today. However…

While I am working in the Beer Mine from 11-7 on this glum, gray day, there will still be a ray of sunshine shining in my heart.

As today is the day of our Lord, it only makes sense that I announce that yesterday, Mike Huckabee topped the straw poll conducted at the Values Voter Summit sponsored by the Family Research Council.

Two words in response to that result: Praise Jeebus!!

Roughly 600 Conservative attendees at the Values Voter Summit voted as to who they would like to see as President in 2012, and my favorite Man of God, Mike Huckabee far outpolled the others, with a total of 28%.

Who did the Huckster beat at this Right Wing Love-Fest put on by Tony “Psycho” Perkins of the Family Research Council?

Mitt Romney came in a distant second…not bad at this venue considering he’s a pantry stuffing Mormon.

Romney was followed by Gov. Tim “From the Land of 10,000,000 Mosquitoes” Pawlenty, Former Alaska Governor, Sarah “My Daughter is a Harlot” Palin, and Rep. Mike “He’s From Indiana for God’s Sake. Indiana!!” Pence.

Now my man Huckabee wasn’t up against a very impressive or Godly group, but the Light of the Lord shone in the final results.

I think these results confirm what former Florida Secretary of State and intellectual vixen Katherine Harris said lo those years ago: “God Chooses Our Leaders.”

Bless You, Katherine Harris…Bless You and Show Me Your Breastesses. Mmmmmmmm.

Anyhoo…On this glorious Sunday, I want to give glory to GAWD and to The Huckster. If Huckabee can build on this win and become our President in 2012, it will be as if Jesus Christ has returned to Earth.

And who doesn’t want Jeebus to return? I mean, other than Christ Killin’ Jews, Dirty Muslims, Atheists, and most folks who say that they are Christians. No one…that’s who.

One bit of advice Huck…If you want to once again be on the National stage and help to save our Godless nation, you might want to get back into shape.

You dropped a lot of weight before, but man judging by what I have seen of you on TV lately, you’ve been going back for second and third servings of Manna from Heaven, dude.

Doing God’s work, is hard work…I, in fact all of us seeking national redemption, need you to be in the best shape of your life for this run.

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sabbath all. Mine will be filled with providing essential public services to beer drinkers, and then helping my son study for some tests.

I am so damn selfless…Just like Mike.

Cheers!!

18 Kids and Counting: The Duggar Family, Huckabee, and TLC, are Freaking Me Out!!

I have mentioned that I don’t watch much TV other than news/political talk shows, sports, and Seinfeld re-runs.

I am even more out of the idiot box loop when it comes to TV reality shows. Hate em’.

Sunday night I was watching my favorite Arkansan (outside of Jay), Mike Huckabee, on FOX News.

Huckabee’s show blows, but I find it to be the Lawrence Welk Show of political punditry offerings, and seriously, watching old episodes of The Lawrence Welk Show is funny.

The Huckster had a family on his show that when I saw them, my mouth became agape…canyon-like…wider than Lindsay Lohan’s legs.

The family? The Duggars. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar and their 18 kids. I had never heard of these people.

Evidently, Jim Bob, Michelle and their 1 ½ dozen kids have a reality show on TLC…The Learning Channel. It’s called, 18 Kids and Counting, and many of you, unlike me, have heard of it.

A few things came to mind when I saw this congregation of familial fundamentalism. The first thing?

I asked out loud to no one in particular…WTF?

The second thing that came to mind? Who the hell wants to have 18 frickin’ kids? Hell, my mom and dad had nine kids and I thought they were bat-shit crazy for having that many.

The third thing that came to mind…?

Holy Shit…Michelle’s hoo-ha has to be wider than my mouth which was at the time of that thought, lying on the floor approximately 5’7” below my incredibly kissable, yet quivering top lip.

The Huckster interviewed Jim Bob, Michelle and the rest of the Cirque du Duggars, and it became apparent that they thought God was responsible for this ginormous born-again family.

Prayer, God’s blessings, and home schooling led to this gargantuan family that is only a kicker and punter short of a starting football roster.

I don’t fucking think so. God had nothing to do with this.

The God I know would not permit a man from Arkansas named Jim Bob to produce 18 kids with a chick named Michelle who is neither his mom, sister, and/or cousin. Arkansas should now and forever be known as, The Un-Natural State.

God would also not allow the parents to name all 18 kids with a name that starts with the letter “J”.

In honor of God’s son, the J-Man, there is a Joy…a Joshua…and a Jeremiah. How hopeful and biblical. There is also an older daughter named, Jinger. Jinger? With a J?
I went to the Duggar Family website...

Jinger’s favorite hobby is riding horses. I think that between the name Jinger and her penchant for riding horses, I see a pole dancing and/or porn career in Jinger’s future.

Where I am going with all of this? I have no idea. But I do know a couple of things…

A couple who produces 18 kids, is pretty damn crazy.

In fact, Jim Bob and Michelle having 18 kids makes them twice as crazy as my parents.

I know one other thing as well…

Home Schooling may teach a person a helluva lot about Creationism but it doesn’t teach a person one damn thing about birth control.

Cheers!!

I Love the Fox News Channel!!

Sunday after work, I popped open a couple of beers and watched Huckabee on the Fox News Channel.

Good ol’ Gov. Mike Huckabee…He has his own show at 8 o’clock on Fox on Sunday nights. Why do I watch it?

My favorite genre of entertainment is unintentional comedy.

While Huck is not as funny as those comedians, Brian “Duhhhhh” Kilmeade, Steve “Whatever You Say, Mr. Ailes” Doocy, and Gretchen “Uber-Vacuous” Carlson on Fox and Friends in the morning...

His show does provides me with a chortle or two.

As I watched, my mind became overcome with a series of random thoughts. Shall I impart them to you? I shall…

First up on the show was Jonathan Krohn. He’s a 13 year old little dweeb who spoke at CPAC on the same bill as Rush “I Downed Three OxyContin and Ate Kirstie Alley for Dinner ” Limbaugh.

Little Johnny has written a book, Define Conservatism. He’s done a plethora of talk shows. He’s been described as a prodigy.

I describe him as a little right-wing shit who is never going to kiss a girl, go to a school dance, or enjoy good ol’ American porn…

I mean, unless it’s porn involving Rev. Ted Haggard and/or Mark Foley.

He’s a semi-professional child actor whose mom found an angle, and on top of that…he plays the cello AND the banjo. Can you say, weenie?

Dude, my advice to you?

Politics can wait. While you’re young…go to a school football game with a hot teen chick, and feel her blossoming boobies underneath the bleachers.

If you continue down the path you're on, you’ll end up a bitter old wife beater.

Speaking of which…

The Huckster’s next guest was Denise Brown. Gack!! Blah, blah, I lost my sister. Blah, blah, it hurts. Blah, blah…I need some face time.

Ick. Yeah, it was a tragedy that OJ walked away, but girl?

You are nothing more than a opportunist, and the psychologist in me thinks you were jealous of Nicole.

It’s nice that after her death, you started a foundation that “promotes the awareness” of domestic violence but seriously…

1998 tax records show that your foundation only gave away 3.6% of what it took in. And on average, your group at best, gives back 36%. Pfffffft. Go Away, you suck.

Lastly, during the Huckster’s show, I had an epiphany due to a commercial for the Alzheimer’s drug, Aricept.

I was thinking…Alzheimer’s does have its benefits for both victim and family.

If I had Alzheimer’s Disease, I could have sex with Schmoop and I wouldn’t know that it was her. It would be like having sex with a different woman every night.

I have always thought erroneously that I am a stud muffin, but in this case, at least in my mind, I actually would be!!

And for Schmoop? She could feed me baloney sandwiches every night, and tell me the next day that I had steak for dinner.

It’s a win-win.

Even more so for her because, instead of actually having sex with me, she could tell me that we did and I wouldn’t know any better.

Oh sure, I’d wonder why my balls were engorged, and my prostate was backing up, but hell…

I’d just blame it on a side effect from the Aricept.

Cheers!!

Matt-Ster Of The Universe

Mornin’ Peeps!! I knew it was only a matter of time, but I have finally won a major award.

More on that in a minute, but first, a very brief wrap-up of yesterday’s Presidential Primary results…

Hillary Clinton won Rhode Island, Texas, and my state which is, An Odd Mix of Inbred Meth Addicts, Evangelicals, Uber-Wealthy Gated Community Dwellers, And Redneck Pig Fuckers Ohio.

Vermonters turned out to show that they prefer to pour their fresh maple syrup on Obama Cakes.

John “Pontius Pilate” McCain put the final nail into Mike “Hay-Zoos” Huckabee’s campaign, and impaled The Huckster upon the cross of Presidential Wannabes.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Already this morning, the blabbering political pundits are hypothesizing as to why H-Rod won three states.

I have heard it is due to her “3 A.M. Phone Call” ad, that Obama relaxed and played it safe, and maybe the Dems are having Obama “buyer’s remorse”.

These people are morons; don’t waste your time listening to them.

The reason that Hillary won these states is because she got more votes.

Let’s move on to the next contest or even better, cut some deal in order to work together and put Judas McCain’s Oval Office aspirations six feet under.

Now…

I received a message yesterday that I, The Matt-Man, was named:

Most Hilarious Blogger in the Universe for January and February of 2008.

The message stated that my site was...a unique blend of biting satire and informative pop culture rantings.

The message went on to say:

Rarely does a site contain such a mix of high brow humor and infantile jokes about becoming the Messiah or a lesbian porn star…Simply Brilliant!!

It continued...

Finding a writer who does thorough research upon topics, applies it with unmatched jocularity, and oozes unbridled sex appeal is a once in a blue moon chance.

I am truly humbled by this award, because unlike other "Best (fill in the blank) Blog" awards, this was not chosen through a popularity contest.

This prestigious honor was based upon the opinions of a completely unbiased group of judges, and I want to publicly thank the staff of Bagwine Ruminations for bestowing this award upon me.

Thanks Guys!!

That’s it for today my friends. Tomorrow is a big day so please stop by again.

Tomorrow is another edition of Half Nekkid Thursday.

I have a new HNT picture and even a brief Half Nekkid Matt-Man music video for ya.

See you then,

Cheers!!