It's Party Time in America, Again

Well, the Democratic Convention is under way in Denver…

Which means hordes of old, drunken men chasing big breasted women through the hotels.

Next week, the Republicans hold their convention in St. Paul, Minnesota…

Which means hordes of old, drunken men foot tappin’ the guy in the next stall over in the airport bathroom.

But the big news, believers in the Bagwine, the real political convention starts Sunday night, September 14th, and runs through Wednesday the 17th in Springfield, Ohio.

Bagwine Party members will be gathering to nominate me as their Presidential candidate.

It should be a heart pounding, exciting good time.

The city has already begun to welcome us...



Here’s the schedule for Sunday night/Monday Morning should you want to register and help to change America…

4:00 P.M.-6:00 P.M.: Registration and Check-In. Fairfax Motel and Lounge. Tokens for the Vibrating Beds available in the bar.

6:00 P.M.-8:30 P.M.: “It’s Party Time in America Happy Hour.” Hors D’ourves, cocktails and condoms are complimentary, but the hookers and post-coital penicillin shots are cash only.

8:30 P.M.-9:00 P.M.: The Convention opens in Room 18 with a Keynote Address by Cirrhosis Joe Maxwell, a longtime Bagwine political activist and six time candidate for U.S. Supreme Court Justice. I know, but let it go; in his mind, he has run and won every time.


9:00 P.M.-12:00 A.M: The Hawkeye/Mountaineer War!! All delegates are invited to Room 37 to partake of free drinks courtesy of the Iowa and West Virginia delegations. You must help determine which is a better buzz…Pure Corn Ethanol Whiskey or Moonshine.

12:15 A.M.-1:00 P.M.: The New Jersey delegation will clean up the vomit and urine in Room 37, and post the results of the Hawkeye/Mountaineer War. Remaining delegations will meet in Room 54 and toast to the memory of Errol Flynn.

1:00 A.M.-4:00 A.M.: More drinks…followed by angst, guilt, and remorse.

5:00 A.M.: Bloody Marys and All-You-Can Eat Breakfast Buffet opens.

Note: If you are bringing children, you can drop them off after Check-In, at Room 2. They will have snacks, games, and musical entertainment will be provided by Shaky the Clown and the Gacys.

So there you have it folks. I hope you can attend. Beginning September 14th, I will be posting from the convention and will include some action shots.

Cheers!!

Ticket To Rap

Well kids…The Democratic National Convention is about to get under way.

The big news however, is that Barack Obama has chosen Bagwine fave, Sen. Joe Biden, to be his running mate.

President Obama…Vice-President Biden. Nice ring, no? But, that’s nothing in the bigger scheme of life.

These two are more than just running mates for the nation’s highest political office.

These guys are a pair of ghetto-licious, rappin’ in your face, political bad asses.

Chocolate Lightning and Vanilla Thunder.

They’ve even changed their names. Obama is now, Jug Lobes O.


He’s clean, articulate, and his ginormous ears can pick up the sound of Clinton and her supporters whimpering from 50 miles away.

Joe Biden is now known as, Joe Bone Thug. He’s smart, sarcastic, and not afraid to tell you how wrong you are.

He’d be quite comfortable telling the Dalai Lama that he has a better chance of having sex with a yak than achieving a free and peaceful world.

Joe Bone Thug would also add, “Oh, and get rid of that table cloth you’re wearing, and put on some real clothes. You look like a frickin’ mental patient.”

Yes indeed, this duo is quite the hot commodity. Def Jam Records and Aftermath Music have been pursuing them with gusto.

I have scored the coup however. I have signed them to Bagwine Records. I have already had their Executive wannabe asses in the studio, and we cut three fine recordings.

The first one was "Red State Smackdown"…The second one…"I Gets My Blow in Precinct 3."

The last one we did and the first one to be released is this one…



Damn right…Hop on the JLO/JBT Express, bitches.

What’s John McCain doing while we are recording, in your face, no holds barred, rap?

Johnny Mac is cutting some lame-o country album with of all people, Pat “Pass me the Mayonnaise, and Toss the Crisp Salad” Boone. WTF?

I heard their first song is some piece of crap titled, “The Women All Get Prettier at Poll Closing Time.”

Pussies.

See folks; politics isn’t always boring when two Pimp Daddy politicians are on the campaign trail. Rock on boys, rock on…

Off to see the Little Man…Have a great Monday.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Sunday Morning Coming Down

I may not have gone to Denver to woop it up at the Democratic National Convention, but man...

I feel like I spent last night partying with Ted Kennedy, LBJ, and three dozen Mile High hookers.

Oy Vay. I have to work all day today, so one of two things will result from that.

Either I'll begin to feel better or I will fall over dead.

Have a great Sunday and please pray for my bodily health.

Amen, and Amen...

And now for our Sunday Serenade...

I have always been an Eddie Money fan. I have one of his cigarette butts, an autographed album cover, and we share the same last name.

One of my fave songs by him really hits home with me today. Enjoy.

Screw the Republicans...No, Literally.

A lovely Saturday here in Bagwine, Ohio…

Today marks the last in a series of Birthdays that have taken place this week.

It’s been a Bagwine Birthday-O-Rama, hasn’t it? Holy Baby Jeebus!!

Today marks the ex’s B-day.

I will be going out quite early this morning to fetch a card, some donuts, and a present for Ryno to give to his mom today.

Why do I do that for the ex? Because it’s the right thing to do, it makes Ryno happy, and it’s good for the little man to witness.

On top of that, I am just a helluva nice guy, and that’s how I roll.

And well…She does the same thing on my birthday. It’s not like we hate each other any longer…most of the time, anyway.

Sometime today, we will find out who Barack Obama’s running mate is. Are you excited? Of course you are.

Talk about exciting…I was invited to attend the Democratic National Convention and just “hang out.” I declined, for two reasons.

Number one, I am running for President myself. Number two, and more importantly, I will be hanging out at the Republican National Convention in September.

The reason is obvious…Conservative women are in more of a dire need to have some hot Matt-Man.

They need to loosen up and lose their suburban angst, cast off the yoke of repressed sexual desires, and involve themselves in liberal doses of my nakedness.

It will be kinda fun giving the high hard one to such notable Conservatives such as Laura Ingraham and Monica Crowley. Purrrrrrrr.

And what the hell, because I am so giving and selfless, I’ll even get it on with Anthrax Coulter.

Don’t worry guys, I’ll use a strap-on and spread shellac on my tongue when doing her.

I refuse to allow my Matt-Meat or my ankyloglossia to come in actual contact with Coulter’s toxic, vaginal walls of hate and loneliness.

I may even win over a few converts to my candidacy with my dork and my tongue. Move over, “Rock the Vote”, I‘m going to, “Lick the Vote.” Matt-Man: Muff Divin’ for ‘Merica!!

Oh and by the way...Kat and Dana? Since both of you are Republican leaning women, I would be happy to include both of you in my initiative. Please?

Well, that’s all I got…that’s all there is…there isn’t anymore.

I may pop in again today to chime in on Obama’s VP pick, but that is contingent on me being sober enough to type.

Have a great Saturday, all.

Cheers!!

P.S. Here's to Obama's VP candidate pick, Sen. Joe Biden. The smartest, most brutally honest, and down to Earth SOB on Capitol Hill. Joe, you rock!!

See Jane Screw With Young Dick. See Jane Get Paid For It!!

Boy's parents sue to get his baby from mom, 21
Saturday, August 16, 2008 3:12 AM
By Mary Beth Lane
THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH

LANCASTER, Ohio --- “A Pickerington couple and their son are fighting for custody of a baby born to a Lancaster woman charged with having unlawful sex with the boy, who was 15 at the time of conception.

A paternity test shows that the teen is the father of the baby born April 7 to Jane C. Crane, who was 19 when she became pregnant.”

Okay folks, I am not one to raise Hell about double standards but, the aforementioned story got my blood lukewarm…

Which for me, unless I am having thoughts about being the filling of a Matt-Manwich between Tyra Banks and Jessica Alba, is a rarity.

Here’s the deal, this chick, Jane C. Crane is alleged to have committed two counts of unlawful sexual conduct with a minor…

A felony which carries a penalty of up to 18 months in prison and having to register as a sex offender for 25 years.

The child produced by this unlawful act of teen boy boinking is in the care of Ms. Crane, the teen boy boinker.

The baby in question is not only sharing a residence with Jane Crane, but Jane’s stepfather as well…

A stepfather who is on probation for a previous domestic violence conviction involving hitting, choking, and pointing a gun at Ms. Crane’s younger sister.

Isn’t that nice? So sweet…

Well the victim in this case (aside from the infant) and his parents want to have custody of the child and raise her.

But alas, this so far isn’t the case and we all know why. He’s a male; she’s a woman, and by God that kid needs to be with her mother.

I hope for the sake of that little girl, the victim’s family will someday get their wish. But in the meantime, and here’s the kicker…Are you ready?

“…a judge has ordered him (the victim) to pay $50 a month in child support and set visitation at seven hours a week.”

Yes folks, the 15 year old boy in question, was not only the victim of unlawful sexual conduct, he has to pay 50 bucks a month to the ho-bag who sexually conducted him unlawfully. Brilliant!!

Yes, I know sexism towards female exists, but often times, it exists just as egregiously towards males.

And this story took me to another somewhat related happening on the political front…The Democratic Convention.

There will be a roll call vote at next week’s Dem Convention…

In order to appease Hillary Clinton’s female backers who toiled tirelessly to attempt to put one of their own in the White House, and yet fell short, her name will be put in nomination.

These moms, feminists, and vulva votin’ ladies entered the rough and tumble world of Presidential politics, to show that they are just as rough and tumble as the men and… and…

And got their feelings hurt.

So, the Democratic Party is going to appease these estrogen laden cry babies because they played hardball with “the boys” and got stung by a political fastball that was up and in.

Ladies (and I am just talking about the whiny fringe), just as there is no crying in baseball, there is no crying in politics.

If you want to be considered equal, you need to suck it up and take the good with the bad. Ninety percent of all other Americans, both male and female, do it everyday.

And one last thing, if you are going to stay home in November and not vote for Obama because “your girl” didn’t get the nomination, Obama will certainly lose.

What does that mean?

It means that this country will have about as much chance of a successful future as the little girl in the court case does if she continues to stay in Jane Crane’s care.

Cheers!!