The Noise of Love

It has been a year or so since he left his sales job and took a chance on making a career of selling his humor.

It has been, and remains quite a long shot of him becoming the first great humorist of the early 21st Century.

But, he feels the need to attempt it now before his humor and satirical flair become adulterated by his age… and his cynicism.

His successes have been occasional. His financial rewards, non-existent.

The money he earns selling potent potables through the week supports his son, but little else.

The one constant in his life is his friend. A woman who enables their day to day life, while far from wealthy or even well off, to be far from uncomfortable.

There is always food on the table, cable TV, and gas in the car. Most importantly, there is always plenty of laughter.

He admires the outer strength that she projects. He protects the incredible vulnerability that lies beneath it.

The two have become one. But, unlike many couples, they have become one without losing their individuality. Both remain distinctly unique. They like it that way.

Her uniqueness recently developed a habit that has both irritated and confounded him.

At night, as he sits at his desk typing what he is certain will be the funniest story that he has ever penned, she makes noise.

With age comes many things, one of which for him has become intolerance for noise…any noise, that violates and suppresses, what he considers, his creative genius.

Lately, when he types he can hear a rustling noise emanating from the bedroom or as closely as the dining room table.

It’s a paper shuffling, corn shucking, amber waves of grain type of rustling. It has been irritating him more than the sound of Bill O’Reilly’s voice.

This past Sunday he caught her in the act of producing this subtle, yet dischordant sound of Satan.

He saw the woman clutching and manipulating his anemic wallet. After the look one gets while trying to solve a trigonometry problem left his face, he asked…

“What are you doing?”

With her cheeks turning a soft shade of pink, and her eyes looking downward she replied…

“What I have been doing for some time. Every time I have ones, I stuff them into your wallet.”

Still perplexed he asked her, “Why?”

She responded, “Because I don’t want you to go to work, and not have money to get something to drink.”

Before going back to typing his next greatest piece of satire, without a word; they stared at each other, and smiled at each other.

He got his answer to this troubling question, but…

While he received his answer, it merely leads to another question that colors his grey matter.

And with another, what he believes to be his next award winning post in the can, he hits the publish button, and asks her…

"Will You Marry Me?"

Cheers!!

Hey, Brent Musburger!!? If I Want Pussy, I'll Go to John Madden!!

I have a Fantasy Football team in Jay’s League.

They suck. Even though I am one of the highest point scoring teams in the league, I have managed to be 1-3 at this point.

In a word, abysmal.

So, I was thinking…How about starting my own Fantasy Football League?

One where the football, instead of “pigskin” is made of cat skin, and will now be called, a “Pussy.”

And…

Where the touchdown, is now referred to as, a “Blowjob.”

In my world, this would be much better…

Just think of the scintillating and titillating commentary we would have while listening to Mayonnaise Mouth John Madden, when the football is now called a “pussy” and the touchdown is now called a “blowjob.”

I can hear Madden saying, “The key to this game comes down to which team controls the line of scrimmage and doesn’t turnover the pussy.”

Of course, weather always plays a factor when playing in the National Pussy League. Madden might speak this gem on some December Sunday when the Colts are playing the Bills in Buffalo…

“Y’know folks, you are going to be seeing Peyton Manning wiping his hands on center, Jeff Saturday’s ass all day, because with this heavy snow that is going to be one, wet pussy. You don’t want to fumble the pussy when it gets snapped.”

Madden would continue...

“If you spend sixty minutes dropping a wet pussy, you aren’t going to score too many blowjobs.”

The kicking game plays a major role in some games…Your views, Mr. Madden?

“When I coached the Raiders, I had the privilege of coaching the greatest punter ever, Ray Guy. He could boot that pussy 80 yards. He could really make that pussy scream when he put his whole foot into it.”

Even the “Red Zone” (when a team is inside the opponent’s 20 yard line) would take on a new meaning. Eh, John?

“The Bengals offense has fumbled seven times this year within the Red Zone. It’s almost as if when they encounter the Red Zone, they want nothing to do with the pussy. That really cuts down on their chances of getting a blowjob.”

I bet a fantastic catch would sound great with these new definitions, eh John?

“Did you see that, folks? Romo threw the pussy from midfield and Terrell Owens caught it on the run, bobbled the pussy twice, pinned it against his face, and then did a forward somersault into the end zone for the most spectacular blowjob I have ever seen...

That’s what pussy is all about, sports fans!!

It's acrobatic blowjobs like that, that remind me why I wanted to get into pussy in the first place.”

I like my idea, but with one MAJOR, non-negotiable caveat…

Thinking of Madden saying this crap is creepy enough, but I DO NOT want my word change applied to the college game, because if I ever hear Brent Musburger utter the words, “pussy” or “blowjob”, I will forever avoid sex.

Have a great Monday, all.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Bad Euologies and Good Fortune

A Partly Cloudy and warmish Sunday here in Bagwine, Ohio…

First some sad news…At the age of 83, race car driver, and salad dressing magnate, Paul Newman, has passed away.

I just found out that he was an actor of some note as well. Who knew? Rest in Peace, my good man, rest in peace.

I will once again be spending the Sabbath doling our beer, Barq’s, and Grippos to rabid football fans as they make their way home from church in time to watch the games.

I feel as though I am a tailor who is helping to weave the fabric of our society into one, big, nicely cut suit…or at least a tacky, yet comfortable smoking jacket.

I attended the funeral of a brother-in-law yesterday. I wasn’t moved. I was annoyed.

The evangelical pastor that conducted the service was long-winded, repetitive, and tossed out only a morsel or two in reference to my BIL’s life.

He spent much of his clock stopping time talking about GAWD’s love for all of us.

He ended (Thank God!!) by asking that we all pray together and accept Jeebus as our personal savior. I was privately thinking:

If I want to be saved, I’ll have Schmoop dress in nothing but thigh high boots, cover my butt cheeks with cooking spray, and smack me on the ass with a hot spatula. Praise da Baby Jeebus!!

As much of the congregation was Catholic, practicing or otherwise, the room was filled with an uncomfortable cacophony of mutterances.

I still wonder what my 80 year old aunt who happens to be a nun was thinking…eh, probably nothing, she’s always been nice.

Anyhoo, this service made me realize yet again, how wise people with the name Matthew are. In Matthew 6:5-6, the Bible gives us one helluva good piece of advice:

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full.

But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

Amen, and Amen…

A couple of good things did happen as a result of the funeral. First of all, my son and I had a great time together during the trip over and back. And…

I wore a suit coat to the funeral that I hadn’t worn since I went to D.C. in March of 2007. When I went to put a funeral announcement card into my inside pocket, look what I found…

Ha!! Praise da Baby Jeebus indeed.

Ryno and I had lunch on the way home and Schmoop and I ordered pizza last night. It was all good; and it was all “free”.

Maybe that droning, verbose pastor was right after all, GAWD does love me.

Enjoy your Sunday.

Cheers!!

Saturdays With Sarah: Eskimos of Evil, I Rebuke You!!

Hi Gang!!

You know what time it is? That’s right…

It’s time for our second installment of Saturdays with Sarah!!

Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin is not only a hunter, a maverick, and one who discusses baby names with Harmid Karzai…

She has been anointed with the Holy Spirit and prayerfully fitted with a suit of Anti-Witchcraft armor, courtesy of Pastor Thomas Muthee. Praise da Holy Baby Jeebus, and Amen!!

Pastor Muthee, in case you don’t know, is a well known African pastor who has built quite the reputation by smiting Kenyan women, slaying vampires, busting ghostesses, ridding the world of witches.

Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has got nothing in the Yahweh-Way on Muthee’s bad ass beneficence. Word to the Lord, Muthee-Man.

Here is a short, 40 second video of Vice-Presicuntial candidate Sarah Palin receiving the anointing from the Master of Disaster Pastor Muthee…




Praise Jeebus, and oh my...I'd love to see her get "Bucked Up".

How blessed we are to possibly have a VP who is free from the influence of witches. Muthee paved the way for Palin as indicated by her comment…

"He’s praying, ‘Lord, make a way. Lord, make a way.’ I’m thinking this guy is really bold. He doesn’t know what I’m going to do. He doesn’t know what my plans are, and he’s praying not, ‘Oh Lord, if it be your will, may she become Governor.’

No. He just prayed for it. ‘Lord, make a way and let her do this next step,’ and that’s exactly what happened. So, again very, very powerful coming from this church, so that was awesome about Pastor Muthee.”

Muthee is “awesome”, Sarah!? I was thinking more along the lines of awe-ful, but…Whatever floats your liturgical labia and makes it wet…I guess.

Oh Sarah, I hope you and Johnny Mac get elected, and I wake up one day during the next four years to find that McCain has had a fatal heart attack while trying to disembowel an Early Bird Dinner Special of meat loaf and new potatoes.

You will then be the leader of this great nation and I will find comfort and assurance that you are rapture ready, full of the Holy Spirit, and free from the spell of witches.

Who cares if right now you are an over protected, don’t ask her any questions kinda gal…You could very well soon be at the helm of Starship America.

I’m comfortable with that. No…really. Isn’t everyone?

I am off to a funeral again this morning. My son and I are meeting up with family members in Columbus for our Brother-in-Law’s funeral. No words of solace needed.

Our family, for the most part, deeply miss those who have gone before us, but our sadness is usually quickly replaced by a smile and chuckle due to the joy that they brought us.

Have a great Saturday all, and I’ll see you later today.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man Recharged!!

Ahhhhhhhhh I slept...nearly 10 hours. I had Black Bean Burgers...I had, um... Schmoop!! And...

I have proof. Just ignore Schmoop's buzz. Zowie!!



It's funny how much she loves me when she's buzzed.

Cheers!!

Hodgepodgical Thursday

I had no fire in the belly or the typing fingers last night.

I am burnt out, and received some sad news yesterday, as well.

One of my Brothers-in-Law passed away late Tuesday night.

I don’t have many details yet, so for now, I will just say Rest In Peace.

I have been working everyday of late, and finally, I have today and Saturday off. I am happy.

In fact, I am going to make Black Bean Burgers tonight. Boo Yah!!

I wasn’t so happy, and was tired when I got home Wednesday night, so I did a short vlog.

Enjoy my first Vlog Noir…





As you can tell by now, I am not using the bold type. Do you like the non-bolded better? Please, tell me your opinion; I am but a simple Caveman Blogger.

I am somewhat Stream of Consciousnessing aren’t I? I really need to get more sleep.

Wow, my circadian cycle is fucked.

Yesterday was fun. All of the comments were really good. I appreciate that you guys took the time to turn my silly post into a debate.

It was an exchange that was quite well thought out by many of you. Thanks, that makes this shit worth while.

I have to go now, for I am very weary and in need of more drink. I’ll be up for awhile, but right now, for me, to think is to go kerflooey.

See? I have never used that word.

If you get a chance, go see Dana today…There may be a WIR reference on her HNT post today.

Sorry to let you down with today’s post, but much like War Hero McCain, I am suspending my operations until the financial crisis is solved.

And also like, John “I Flew Fighter Jets into Electric Wires” McCain, I am not involved because I am not on the Finance Committee. What an Ass-Clown he is.

Cheers!!

Kiss Me, Suck Me, Bail Me Out

Freddie Mac is depositing cum stained cash into Fannie Mae’s pecuniary pussy.

AIG is teabaggin’ the Lehman Brothers…

And all of this financial fucking is gonna be funded by the U.S. government.

Or, in other words, YOU and I will be shelling out 1 TRILLION dollars so that a select few could delight in a phantasmagorical orgy of financial free love.

Well, Treasury Secretary Paulson, President Bushtard, and members of the House and Senate…

The Matt-Man is horny as hell, and he wants some financial fellatio of his own.

I want a government bailout as well, dammit!!

In order to expedite the alleviation of my swollen monetary nutsack, I have run the numbers for you so that you can get me off quickly.



My Son…Look at him. He’s Sad. Wanna help me turn his frown upside down? Here’s how.

He needs support from me for the next four years. Total Cost? $36,000.

Oh Hell, he’s a great kid and he does have a Birthday coming up…let’s make it an even 40K.

He has also expressed an interest in attending Cedarville University when he gets older.

For tuition, room, board, books, and incidentals, his cost over four years will be roughly $134,453.92. Cough it up, bitches.



See that hot honey on the right? That’s Schmoop. She loves me, but I owe her much. Over the course of nearly eight years I figure I owe her $16,000.

Tack on another 5K for her pain and suffering due to my presence. Total: $21,000.00.

Schmoop and I have thought maybe we’d like to buy a Condo. Not too big, not too small. Just right.

Here in Bagwine, Ohio the median cost for such is $85,700.00 Got that? No? Well, write it down, dammit.



Okay, now I have a problem. I inherited my mom’s gums. They are receding quickly. I see dentures in my near future.

If I go to Affordable Dentures in Columbus, I can get a full set installed and out the door for $1,295.00.

My personal debt involving a couple of old credit cards and a personal loan from one of my brothers (thanks again for the penicillin money, buddy), is $4,788.12.

See? I’m not being greedy. Just giving you the real numbers.

Oh, I would like $30,000.00 for my efforts to administer this windfall of wealth. My skillz don’t come free.

Lastly, when I get this bailout from you, I will be so excited that I will probably want to party for at least two weeks.

In order to do that, I will need 3 bottles of Wild Irish Rose per day for 14 days…Cost: $184.38.

On top of that, since I will be having celebratory sex with Schmoop on the kitchen floor of our new Condo when I get my bailout money, I would want to make it special.

If you would, toss in another $15.00 for a bottle of Olive Oil and some Fruit Roll-Ups to make it so.

Total Cost to make my well-deserved American taxpayer dreams come true: $333,436.42

I am sending this to my Congressman, both of my Senators, and the Treasury Secretary. Hey, it never hurts to ask.

That’s what the greedy, incompetent, Wall Street bastards do.

Cheers!!

2008 Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures

Folks…Believe it or not, Baby Jeebus’ Birthday is just a little over three months away.

In yesterday’s post, I talked about the must have toy of 2008...

The Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures.

Monday, I introduced to you, John “Early Bird Special” McCain and Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin.

Today it’s the Democratic Action Ticket’s turn to take the Bagwine stage…

Barack “Chi-Town Cicero” Obama*

This sleek, sinewy, Shaka Zulu lookin’ Senator, is not your mother’s Windy City homey. He puts the “Go” in Chicago.

Is your city, town, or hamlet in societal disrepair? Call the O-Man and he will organize the hell out of your community.

He will fill the food bank. Employ the indigent…And sink a round ball from three point range down at Tony Rezko Park while playing basketball with your kids.

He may look unassuming, but throw a tough issue at him and he can dance around it with more élan than Bill “Bojangles” Robinson.

Don’t worry ‘bout the switch blade in his coat pocket; words are his weapon and he has Svengali-Like powers. When in Rome, he’s referred to as Barackus Maximus.

Buy it today, and thank me Christmas morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the Muslim Action Figure. What an ironic gift on the birthday of the Holy Baby Jeebus!!”

*Bitch Slapped Hillary and I Want Your Cock Barack Olbermann sold separately.

And don’t forget the O-Man’s Ballot Brutha…

Joe “My Head is Exploding” Biden*

Unlike the other three Action Figures, JB is disembodied. That’s because he doesn’t need one.

He has a head full of knowledge and a mouth willing and ready to spew it out. He’s sneaky dangerous.

Some action heroes are strong…some are fast…some have X-Ray vision. Joe wears down evil doers by the sheer volume of his words.

He wears down opponents by talking until their eyes glaze over, and then smacks them upside the head by calling them a dumb son of a bitch…all the while with a sarcastic “you’re a dumbass” smile on his face.

His massive brain is so impervious to attack that not even two aneurysms could stop it.

“Leak all you want you bloody sacs. I have things to say.”, he says. And so he does…and does…and does…

Buy it today, and thank me Christmas Morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the Dictionary Doll. Does he ever stop talking?”

*Hair plugs and Shut the Fuck Up Filter sold separately.

Have a lovely day all.

Cheers!!

Listen to Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.

2008 Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures

Yes folks, start your Christmas shopping now.

And, Boy Howdy, do I have a gift idea for your younger ones.

Your kids can not only spend Holy Baby Jeebus’ Birthday playing with the hottest action figure since Bangkok Heroin Den Barbie…

They can also get an invaluable lesson in civics and the American political process.

That’s right folks; the 2008 Presidential/Vice Presidential Action Figures are now available.

You need details? I got your details right here, bitches…

John “Early Bird Special” McCain*

Don’t let his aging, avuncular look and tone fool you as he opens every other sentence with, “My friends…”


Early Bird Mac-Man is one bad ass, septuagenarian mutha fuckah.

He will do and say whatever it takes to put his Viagra Fueled-crotch and diaper-wearin’ ass into the Oval Office.

This John McCain Action Figure is a Barbie-Chasin’, Dora the Explorer Beatin’, war hero.

You can’t move his arms, but you’ll find he can head butt and kick the bejeebus out of any Ken Doll’s nuts.

Johnny Mac may eat dinner at four o’clock in the afternoon, but when he does…Mac-Man eats minute steak…Rare!! (And maybe a little sponge cake, sherbet, and warm milk as well...when he's feelin' sassy…)

Buy it today, and thank me Christmas Morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the Dead Father of Tori Spelling Action Figure. I didn’t know he had Bell’s Palsy. Did he come with a naked Shannen Doherty Doll?”

* Botox Cindy with Breast Implants, A-1 Skyraider Jet Fighter Wreckage, and Joe “Christ Killer” Lieberman sold separately.

And don’t forget to pick up Johnny Mac's Action Figure running mate…

Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin*
This Tart of the Tundra can flat-out do it all.


Not only can she bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan…

She can first kill the pig, cure it, and then apply lipstick to it.

She’s a Governor…She’s a self-proclaimed reformer, and she's a soon to be GILF at the age of 44.

Talk about your triple threat!!

Don’t let her Land of the Midnight Sun charm fool you; she is not afraid to call you every name that Johnny Mac tells her to call you.

And that’s not all…

Mess with her, and she’ll make Congress pass a law that forces every couple to name their first kid, Trig…or Algebra, or Tangent, or something.

Buy it today and thank me Christmas Morning when your kids open it up and say:

“Gee, Mom and Dad!! Thanks for the hot plastic bitch. Where’s the inflation hole?”

*Six Inuit tribesmen standing around an ice fishing hole performing an Arctic Circle jerk, and Salmon Spawning Bristol, sold separately.

Have a good Monday all. And no, don’t call me Olbermann…The Dems get their turn tomorrow.

Cheers!!

Update (9:20 A.M.): I sent my Action Figure idea to Gov. Palin's office. This is the response that I have received so far. I hope they like it!!

Thank you for writing to Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The concerns, opinions, and/or information you have sent are important and valuable to the Governor. Although she is unable to respond to each and every email herself, your message has been received and is being reviewed by the appropriate staff person in this office who can best address your need, suggestion, or comment.

Please do not reply to this email. If you would like to contact the Governor in the future, please address correspondence to governor@alaska.gov.

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: And The Holy Baby Jeebus Said, "Let There Be Pie!!"

It’s another glorious Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio…Today, Sunny and 79 degrees.

I haven’t been able to keep up with all you beautiful Bagwine Heads.

I do apologize, but…

My beer peddling schedule has been busier than the receptionist at Paris Hilton’s gynecologist’s office.

Today is no better. I work from 11-7 today; catering to the masses as they pick up a little libation on their way home from a stirring religious service.

I worked from 11 A.M.-9 P.M. yesterday, and in my post I had requested that people pity me and bring me food.

By the grace of Mary, Joseph, and the Holy Baby Jeebus, my prayers were answered.
Now dig it…

First up, Schmoop’s brother dropped off a handmade, fresh made cheeseburger. Plenty of cheese, pickles, and off-the-grill smokiness.

Secondly…an older couple came through to get their weekend usual, and asked what I was doing there on Saturday.

I told them I was filling in. I gave them their order and they said that they would be back on their way home.

Twenty minutes later, they came back through, not to order anything else but to drop something off.

They had gone to KFC to pick up their dinner, and stopped to drop off two drumsticks, a biscuit, and a little bowl of coleslaw for me.

They said that I looked hungry. I think it was more being perturbed by working Saturday, but whatever works.

Late in the evening, a guy I had never waited on before came through. He wanted a twelve pack of Pepsi.

There’s a Donatos Pizza place next door to our Drive-Thru, and I caught the distinct smell of anchovies emanating from his car.

I asked him upon giving him his order, “Mmmm, you have anchovies on that pizza, don’t you?” He replied, “Ha, yes I do.”

“I love em’”, I said.

When I came back with his change, he handed me a napkin with three big pieces of pepperoni and anchovy pizza on top , and said, “We anchovy lovers have to stick together.”

I thanked him, and devoured the hairy fish laden pie. Yum-Oh!!

Today’s lesson comes from the Book of Menus…a little known Holy book that I talked about this past Lent. Click HERE, if you missed it.

The quote from Jeebus goes like this, “Feed the hungry, clothe the nekkid, and make sure Matt-Man gets his share of pie.”

Due to the kindness of friends and strangers yesterday, that Messianic directive was followed.

People, for the most part, are quite a lovely lot.

Enjoy the football today. I’ll be out there stimulating the economy. And with any luck, when I get off tonight, I’ll be stimulating Schmoop.

Cheers!!

A New Bagwine Segment

Including today, there are seven Saturdays prior to the 2008 Presidential Election.

I thought that a new segment was in order.

Obama and McCain have been talking for months. Joe Biden has been talking all of his life.

We know plenty about those guys. But what about Governor Palin?

Sure, there has been some general reporting about her and her family, but I want to dig deeper.

Beginning today, and for the six Saturdays hereafter, I give you:

Saturdays with Sarah!!

I was given an opportunity to conduct a brief interview with Sarah Palin just the other day. Here is a transcript.

Matt-Man: Hello Governor; it’s a pleasure to meet you.

Palin: Thank you, it’s nice to be here in Bagwine, Ohio. Reminds me of good ol’ Wasilla, Alaska.

Matt-Man: You have a lot of homeless Meth addicts roaming your streets too, do ya?

Palin: No silly…I saw a pregnant teenage girl hanging around outside your apartment.

Matt-Man: Ah…Many folks, have painted you as a joke. A gimmick, lacking experience…A neophyte, better suited to running a bake sale. Completely void of intell-

Palin: Okay, okay…I get your point. But let me tell you something…

Matt-Man: Please Do.

Palin: I have plenty of experience. I command the Alaska National Guard, and should the salmon run amok, I am not afraid to use them.

Matt-Man: Fascinating…I was wond---

Palin: On top of that, I am responsible for the Alaska Department of Igloo and Urban Development.

Matt-Man: Ha. The IUD?

Palin: Don’t laugh, it’s working well.

Matt-Man: Not in your daughter’s case.

At this point in the interview, two burly men forcibly removed me from the apartment.

Upon realizing that I lived there, they threw me back in, and removed Gov. Palin.

As they whisked her out of the building, she hurled expletives at me, and I responded by calling her a, Non-Contiguous Nincompoop.

Yeah, I know…It just came out.

But there you have it. We will have much more Sarah Palin over the next six Saturdays.

Enjoy your Saturday all. Mine will be spent working 11-9 today. Ugh. I hope people pity me, and bring me food.

I want to thank Starr for sending the Sarah pic to me, and I want to wish Cheesy a Very Happy Birthday.

Have fun, Cheesy.

Cheers!!

Good News, Bad News...

Hey I figured out how to make my VLOGs much clearer.

It always help to read the camera instruction book. (even if it is a year after purchase.)

The following VLOG explains our Friday Morning maladies.

Have a great weekend.

Cheers!!

Oy Vay

Hello.

How are you?

Me?

Not so good.

A couple of things are happening that will prevent me from posting right now.

Schmoop didn't go to work today, either.

So to recap...

No post right now...No Schmoop at work

Details to follow...

Cheers!!

Crockpots and Cable Boxes

This is it…That’s all there is…There isn’t anymore.

Today is my only day off between this past Sunday and NEXT Thursday.

“Big” doings going on ‘round here today.

Schmoop took the day off and...

Sometime between 8 A.M. and 11 A.M. the cable guy is coming over to fix our digital channel box, which bustimacated during Ike’s visit.

Doesn’t that sound exciting!?

After the cable guy fixes the channel box and leaves, I am going to throw Schmoop on the floor in front of the TV with pay-per-view porn on the screen and fix her box.

Okay, in all likelihood, we will drink beer and listen to the radio once the guy leaves…but man, that’s pretty edgy in itself.

After that, noon time wackiness will ensue when I begin to cook. Ahhhhhh, my only chance until next Thursday. How I love to cook.

What’s on the menu, you ask? And why cooking so early?

Well, with fall quickly approaching, I have been demanded requested by Schmoop to make some crockpot chili. She loves it.

Here’s what Crockpot Chili ala Matt-Man entails…

Tomatoes, Tomato Paste, Kidney, Northern, and Black Beans...I may add another can of Black Beans as well, since SOMEBODY won't let me use Limas. Dirty Lima Bean Hater!!

Not too many spices...Chili Powder, Paprika, Oregano, Garlic, and a secret one which is not shown, that replaces Cumin...

These are da bomb!! Frozen, already diced onions and bell peppers. Fresh may be best, but too often we end up wasting them . So this, for the Bagwine kitchen, is the way to go.

The MEAT!! Two pounds of ground beef, and one pound of sausage which I will slightly brown off with What's-This-Here Sauce prior to crocking it. I also add real bacon pieces.

I cannot bring myself to use sliced bacon for this. Sliced bacon stands on its own and should be consumed that way!!

The cookery...or, is that, crockery? Anyhoo. This is my newest crockpot. Isn't she sexy and voluptuous?

I call her, Samantha. Samantha came with a 2, 4, and 6 quart bowl. I'm am going to use the 4 quart today.

The 2 is too small, and the 6 quart bowl I only use when cooking up meth, so it may have toxic residue in it.

There you have it. After eight hours of simmering, Samantha will be ready to yield her juicy, meaty, and delicious wares.

Yum-Oh!!

And maybe, just maybe, after Schmoop eats it, and provided she doesn't lose too much of her buzz, ol' Matt-Man will be sampling some of Schmoop's wares.

Have a great day all. I may videotape the highlights of this incredibly over-the-top and living on the edge kinda day and post it tomorrow.

Cheers!!

Good or Evil? Either Way, I'm Gonna Be Famous!!

A reader left the following comment on my post from Monday ,which dealt with how the remnants of Ike played havoc on the Bagwine community…

“I quote part of your post from Jay's blog last week that I felt was rather sad when I read it.

"Anything that Ike does to Texas can only be an improvement."

I guess it came back to bite you in the ass. Hmmm...doesn't surprise me.

Would you like some cheese with that "whine"?

Sorry, but you tend to have no regards to how impacting your words can be. Have you watched the devistation of Galviston?”

It’s funny, I predicted only moderate damage for Galveston and little to none for Bagwine, Ohio. In both cases, the opposite happened.

This comment and the results, gave me pause to ponder. It made me question whether or not my moral compass needs to be re-calibrated.

It made me wonder what type of person dwells deep within my inner-core…or something like that.

I have narrowed down who I am, to two distinct beings. Please, follow me, if you will…

I have, for most of my life been drawn towards women who were older than me…women who were on the voluptuous side.

Women who also had medium to long dark hair, and wore more than an average amount of make-up, and well…had really big boobs.

Then, nearly eight years ago, I shacked up in sin with a slightly younger woman…a thin-ish woman. A woman who had blondish hair (it’s red now).

A woman who wears very little make-up, and well…her boobs are pretty big.

I mean, I must have access to a nice set of fun bags. But, other than her ample milk mounds, she is yet another opposite happening in my life.

I love Champagne. I could drink it everyday, brush my teeth with it, and bathe in it. And yet, in opposite Matt-Man fashion, the libation I purchase is, Wild Irish Rose.

I told many that a McCain/Palin ticket was a joke.

Now, the opposite has happened. Their numbers are rising, and the ticket, for all practical purposes is actually, a Palin/McCain ticket.

I said to Schmoop prior to the game this past Saturday, that even though Michigan isn’t very good this year, our beloved Notre Dame will lose to them, at home, 35-17.

What happened? Notre Dame won, 35-17. My words and actions are a series of opposite effects.

Lastly, my favorite number and one that I find lucky is, 999. And what is the opposite of that? That’s right… Turn it upside down and it is 666.

Holy Baby Jeebus!! I am the fricking Anti-Christ...!!

Jeebus, being the all-powerful Son of God, wills and thinks exactly what he wants to be done. My thoughts and desires elicit the opposite effect.

Also…

He had long hair; I have little. He was Jewish; I love bacon.

He was the product of an immaculate conception; I was born due to my mom and dad trying to sneak one in while their other eight kids were asleep.

The only thing that we have in common is height. Purportedly, Jeebus was exactly 6 feet tall. I am exactly 6 feet tall as well.

Which, makes me ponder beyond my initial conclusion.

Am I the Anti-Christ? Or, because I think that I am, I am actually the opposite?

Am I actually Christ himself, and after years of watching stupid people fuck things up, I have returned to Earth with a Messiah-Sized sense of scorn and sarcasm ?

I just don’t know…or do I?

Cheers!!

Holy Baby Jeebus!!

For today's regularly scheduled post, scroll down...However!!

A word about Wednesday's post. I may have just solved (with the unwitting help of a reader from New York) the mystery of the Book of Revelation!!

The results? Shocking!!

Cheers!!

Certain Death A-Weights Me

Something hit me recently…

There is a conspiracy afoot that involves my waistline.

Those involved, come from a varied field of friends, family, and present and former fornication partners.

A couple of years ago, I hit my epiphiantic (another new word that I have invented…adj. having the characteristics of inducing an epiphany) body dimensions…

Six foot tall, 265 pounds.

That’s not an incredibly bad build if one is a muscle bound NFL Fullback with 10-12% body fat, but for me? Not so good.

I wrote a post long ago about this aforementioned epiphiantic moment…It was the day when I got dressed one morning and my socks didn’t fit.

My socks, people!! Seriously, how does that happen? No matter how big one gets, doesn’t one’s socks always fit?

Not in my case…I was truly bummed.

I persevered, and after a couple of years I shed many of the pounds through eschewing carbs (yes, even warm, heavily buttered toast…God, I do love toast.)

I ate meat; drank water, and consumed gallons of soup.

After all of the hard work, that has resulted in a Herculean-Like (Rick Hercules, a former plumber who used to live next door to me) physique of 6 foot tall 184, there is a movement abound to strip me of that.

Last week, my Drive-Thru buddy and Pizza Maker, Bill, brought to work a huge plate full of Chicken and Dumplings that he had made and suggested I take it home and eat it.

I did...the entire thing...by myself. It was very good.

As I relayed to you on Sunday’s post, Bill also made a GINORMOUS pepperoni, banana pepper, and double cheese pizza “for Schmoop and I.”

A couple of weeks ago, long time friend Sherri, suggested that I stop losing weight because I am, “melting away”.

Schmoop says the same thing, and often says to me, “Eat Papa, Eat!!”

In a health-related aside, she has also suggested that I take up smoking Camel Non-Filter cigarettes. Hmmmm?

Schmoop’s brother Dave, recently brought me a titanic sized jar full of olives, Hostess Ding Dongs, lunchmeat, and crème puffs.

And the topper? On Sunday, the ex and Ryno came through the Drive-Thru with a hi-caloric and antagonistic thrombotic offering from Chipotle.

The Sunday before, they brought me a sack full of Burger King goodness.

Oh sure, don’t get me wrong…It is very kind of all of these people (minus the Camel Non-Filter thing) to offer their food and their advice, but…

Is it really kind of them, or are they trying to KILL me with kindness?

Is there some type of perverted, insurance policy pay-off cabal being forged by this coven of ne’er-do-wells?

I wonder…Are they really praying for my arteries to burst or my colon to implode?
I don’t know…I hope I find out before it's too late.

In the meantime? Man, all of this crap they’ve been giving me to eat is soooo damn goood.

Cheers!!

Turnbaby is celebrating her 2nd Blogiversary on her BlogTalk Radio show tonight. For details, and to say congrats, click HERE.

Matt-Man Mocks Ike...Ike Bitch Slaps Bagwine

On yesterday's post, I mocked the impending doom of the remnants of Hurricane Ike's visit to the Bagwine Valley.

Well, slap me on the ass and call me Tina. Ike smacked Bagwine, Ohio upside the head with atypical fury for this region.

For several hours yesterday, winds were consistently blowing at 50 mph with higher gusts.

The high gust in Bagwine reached a peak of 78 mph.

Trees are down all over the place and there is roof damage galore 'round here.

Hundreds of thousands in Southwest Ohio are still without power, and hundreds of schools and businesses are closed.

Our power was off from 5 P.M. Sunday until 1 A.M. this morning. We just got the internets and phone back about an hour ago.

I will be working all day today, but I leave you with a few pictures that were sent in to our local newspaper.

With any luck, things will soon be back to normal and come Tuesday, I'll be able to catch back up with all of you wunnerful people.

Until then...

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Ike, Disrespectin'

It will be a wet and windy Sunday here in Bagwine, Ohio.

Just hours ago, Hurricane Ike beat up on the Galveston coastline harder than his name sake beatin’ up on Tina Turner’s face.

Now, what was once the mighty Hurricane Ike, is on its way to the Bagwine Valley.

I’ll have to strap down the potato chips and keep the floor squeegee at the ready while at work all day today. It’s gonna be meteorological madness at the Drive-Thru.

Holy Baby Jeebus, I pray you keep me safe during the half inch rainfall and wind gusts to 35 mph. It’s chaos…chaos, I tells ya.

We were boarding up the windows, and tying Corky down to the coffee table in advance of Ike last night, when we were blessed by manna from Heaven.

What is this manna of which I speak? A handmade, homemade pizza courtesy of co-worker, Bill.

Yep, in addition to working at the Thru, and scamming people selling pre-paid legal services, the Bill-Meister wants to run his own pizza place. His pies are gaining in popularity.


Yesterday, he made a huge pepperoni, double cheese, and banana pepper pizza for Schmoop and I. We cooked it last night and it was fan-damn-tastic.

I have never loved another man’s pie so much. Thanks a lot Bill, it was perfect!!

I have to cut this short so I can take a shower, pick up a newspaper, and head to work, but one last prayer.

Dear Lord, while I find it personally very funny and heart-warming, please keep the thousands of incredibly annoying Ohio State Buckeye fans from taking their own lives today.

In your name, (and the box score that shows USC 35 OSU 3...hee hee) we pray.

Amen, and Amen.

Enjoy your Sabbath all.

Cheers!!

Inky and Lola: Lipstick Pig

A little Inky and Lola for ya...




Our cat, Corky...Is she praying to God and the Holy Baby Jeebus, or to Sammy "The Bull" Gravano?

I am off to see my 13 year old clone, but before I go, a word about McCain's claim that Obama was calling Gov. Sarah Palin a pig earlier this week.

And more so, Johnny Mac's "outrage" over Obama's sexist comment towards Palin.

Johnny Mac has gone off of the edge as far as being a decent human being. He's become a bitter old man who will do and say anything to become President.

Well Johnny Mac should know first hand about ugly comments towards women...Here are but a few examples of the Mac-Man in action...

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who is still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."

"At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." -to his wife, Cindy, after she playfully twirled his hair and said "You're getting a little thin up there," as reported in the book The Real McCain by Cliff Schecter

"Do you know why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly? Because Janet Reno is her father." --at a 1998 Republican fundraiser

"Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, 'Where is that marvelous ape?'" --a joke McCain reportedly told during his first Senate race in 1986

Oh John McCain, you're such a peach to look out for poor, little, vacuous Sarah. How dare that mean Obama pick on her.

If you two get elected, make sure you hose Sarah during your first term, because if you guys get a second term, she'll be pushing and then exceeding 50.

I know how you like your chicks much younger than that.

Have a great Saturday, all.

Cheers!!

Words Are Not Enough

How's that for retro-engineering? That is what I made last night along with Tomato/Parmesean Noodles...

Damn straight, she liked it...

If you want the recipe for "Pygmy Meatloaf" let me know.

And now...

DANA...is celebrating her 1 Year Blogiversary. Stop on by and say, "hey". She is, after all, one of the best friends Bagwine Ruminations has ever had.

Cheers!!