Alisyn Camerota Is Hot, And...I Love Her

A powerful, uncontrollable feeling has gripped the soul and yes, the heart of Matt-Man, and...

As one who does not like to run from his feelings, nor keep them from you, my readers…

I am publishing an open letter to Fox and Friends weekend host, Alisyn Camerota in order to unleash and express my deep feelings for her.

Dear Alisyn (or dare I call you, Allie? hee-hee),

While I loathe FOX News (other than for comic value), every Saturday and Sunday morning around 7 A.M., after I take a leak, fire up a Basic Full Flavor, and crack open a beer grab a cup of joe, I turn on the T.V. and watch you in all of your babe-o-liciousness.

Sometimes, I am stark naked while I watch and I imagine that I am the couch upon which are sitting.

I’m 44, so it’s kind of late in life for me to be suffering from puppy love or a mere crush.

Alisyn, my dear, I have an incurable case of Camerotarrhea and there’s not enough penicillin in the world to abate it.

I know, I know…You are married and have three kids including a pair of twins, and I? I have been living with a woman named Schmoop for nearly nine years, but think about it.

You probably would like a break from your husband and the kids, and frankly Schmoop would probably enjoy some time away from me…of that, I have little doubt.

And yeah, we do come from different worlds. You work with complete and utter morons and address an audience comprised mainly of inbred mouth breathers, who are always seeing black helicopters above their houses, and think that Sarah Palin is the answer to this nation’s malaise.

I on the other hand, am a thinking individual and work for a guy named Drive-By Mikey, who while I was working Friday, threw a smoke bomb at me while I was standing in the Drive-Thru of the Beer Mine.

Yes, my boss and owner of the Beer Mine, threw a smoke bomb at me and into his own place of business, Alisyn. How cool is that?

We need to meet and try to make this love affair happen. I know it would be electric.

You could come to Bagwine. We could have drinks and get a room at the Fairfax Motel/Biker Bar.

We could stay in Room 20 so I could show you the puke stain on the carpet that I left in 2003 after blowing off my afternoon work meetings, and instead, held a meeting with 13 Seven and Sevens at the motel bar.

You’d like the stain…it looks like the Virgin Mary.

I could take you by the Beer Mine and introduce you to the aforementioned Drive-By Mikey and Pizza Bill as well.

Since you’re Italian, I’ll have Pizza Bill make a pizza for you. In fact, I’ll ask him to bake a heart-shaped pie just for you, my bella.

I can give you a tour of the beer cooler, and maybe while we’re in there I could steal a kiss and a warm embrace. Don’t worry about being caught.

Mike will be in his office sleeping, moisturizing his feet, going over the books. Bill will be occupied with some Fox News watching son of a bitch who can’t decide whether she wants a Dr. Pepper or a Coke.

Bill will be tied up for at least ten minutes before the chick finally settles for a Three Musketeers Bar and a Diet-Pepsi.

I’ll then take you to a romantic dinner and we can chat, flirt, and make fun of that horrid, vacuous bone-head, Gretchen Carlson.

After that, we can…well, I think you know where I am going. I have visualized the “after that” many times.

I know that a gentleman never discusses over whom he silently masturbates, but let me tell you…

You look really hot in that cooler when I have your naked body bent over a stack of Busch 30 packs.

I hope to hear from your lawyer you soon my love.

Always in mind, my heart, and my dreams…

Matt-Man

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Ted Kennedy...A Case Study In Redemption

“Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person.” ---Tennessee Williams

I watched the funeral of Ted Kennedy yesterday. I learned. I laughed. I cried. But mainly, I learned.

Think whatever you want about Kennedy’s personal flaws and/or politics, he was the embodiment of the fact that none of us are incapable of exorcising our personal demons and resurrecting ourselves.

And…his legislative acumen, his financial fortuitousness, his silver spoon hanging from his mouth when he was born, aside, Ted Kennedy taught us all something…well, at least after watching his funeral, he taught me something.

After the tragic and unfortunate Mary Jo Kopechne incident and his failed Presidential campaign in 1980...Ted Kennedy changed himself.

It was a slow change, and only after meeting and marrying his wife, Vicki, was his transformation complete.

One person after another over the last few days, has praised Teddy. Republican and Democrat. Conservative and Liberal. The Haves and Have Nots. They have all told their stories about Ted.

More often than not, they have spoken as to his greatness and more importantly, his graciousness.

I am not using my blog today to give a Liberal blow job to Ted, although trust me, I could do that with no qualms. However…

What I am speaking about today, is this…whether you agree with Ted Kennedy or not, he has indeed taught us all.

For a long time, Ted Kennedy, in spite of being a wizard of legislation as a young Senator, put himself and his good times before others. But, he grew up…he redeemed himself.

He not only put his familial burden, his work, and his duty before others…Ted, after time, put his life before others. He no longer cared about his poll numbers, his image, or his legacy.

He said to every talking head, “Fuck ‘Em, I‘m a U.S. Senator and I am going to make a difference.”

Ted Kennedy in all of his wealthy glory, went to work everyday, never shied away from what he believed in, and never forgot his mistakes and human frailties.

We have all made mistakes. We have all hurt others. We have all sinned.

Ted Kennedy did it on a more public scale than us, but he continued to do his job and live life with zeal. He did so because he forgave himself and he made things right with his Lord.

Most of my readers are self-proclaimed Christians…and yet, many of them are not Christian. That’s fine, it is what it is.

I think Ted Kennedy can teach us all a huge lesson. Ted Kennedy could have shucked it all in.

He lost several siblings, including two by the bullets of assassins….

An entire segment of America continually wanted him to run for President, an entire extended family counted on him to be their surrogate father.

In that position, I may have curled up into a fetal position and sobbed. Ted stepped up and answered the call.

Say what you want about him…I think he acted in a super-human fashion. And more importantly…

In a human fashion.

Cheers!!

Sheryl Weinstein and Bernie Madoff...Madoff's Other Secret!!

Friday night after work I watched Greta Van Susteren.

You heard me right. I watched Greta…on FOX News. Don’t get in a hissy fit. I am not having a mental melt down…

Our TV remote is broken and I was too damn lazy to manually switch the channel…once again.

Ol’ Facelift Greta had an “author” on as a guest. The name of the author? Sheryl Weinstein…

I know…“who the hell is she?”, you ask.

Sheryl “Jeebus Christ I’m Ugly Inside and Out” Weinstein was Bernie Madoff’s mistress.

Anyone? Anyone? Remember Bernie Madoff…The guy who absconded with billions of other peoples money, ruined their lives, and is now serving the rest of his sad, sorry life in prison.

Yes, Bernie Madoff was a complete and utter asshole, prick, criminal, and fiduciary fucktard. However…

So is this Weinstein chick. She has written a book titled, “Madoff’s Other Secret”.

Give me…a fucking…break, tootsie.

Hey Sheryl, I realize that you lost everything because of him, but there was a time when you were gladly accepting his nightly deposits into your lady wallet.

He was cheating on his wife and you were cheating on your husband with him.

I understand that you were “having trouble in your marriage” because your husband had ADD (that’s a lame, yet new excuse), but I think that your hubby had ADD when he married you…‘cause man….you’re one fugly bitch…inside and out.

Holy Cow. For someone who was smart enough to bilk billions out of people, Madoff had a God-Awful choice in mistresses.

Listen honey, I understand that you are trying to recoup your losses, but outing yourself as a cheating bitch may not be the way to go…especially when you are doing it on the back and the cum stain of someone you cheated with and allegedly hate.

How deeply did you hate Madoff when you were screwing him and enjoying his money? Uh-Huh…

Go to Hell, Sheryl Weinstein, and while you’re there, suck Madoff’s dick…again.

Cheers!!

Glenn Beck and Laura Ingraham: What a Stupid Porn Flick That Would Be

I’m off on Thursdays.

And, that affords me the opportunity to watch opinion shows that I don’t normally watch.

First up on my “get to watch” list was Glenn Beck…HA…What a fucking toad.

Did you know, that according to Glenn Beck, President Obama wants to create a civilian national security force which will unarm us from our liberties?

Yes, Obama said that he wanted a national security force once, but he also said,

"…the future of our nation depends on the soldier at Fort Carson, but it also depends on the teacher in East LA, the nurse in Appalachia, the after-school worker in New Orleans..."

Beck went on to say that AmeriCorps is Obama’s way to actualize his means…Beck, upon saying this, while coming close to crying, managed to hold back the reservoir of tears.

I managed to maintain my non-crying state by thinking…
Don’t we already have a civilian military force called the National Guard?

What a fucking freak show this guy is. The sad thing is…there are more than a few people who take him seriously. I don’t think Beck takes himself seriously, but if he does?

Holy Shit…I should give up everything in which I believe, and just rail against facts haphazardly. I could be as rich as Beck, and trust me, I would shed no tears. Beck tears , crocodile tears or otherwise.

I’d be laughing…as I’m sure, Beck is at this moment, as he stocks his Mormon food pantry with prime rib, filet mignon, and roe.

Then, Bitches…I got to watch Laura Ingraham as she sat in for Bill O’Reilly. I know that it is not politically correct to make fun of cancer survivors, but…well…fuck her….She’s a bitch, and I think she’s gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Ingraham has been “nearly” married many times, and yet she is unmarried.

Last night she was taken apart by one of her guests, a Brzezinski no less, and while I watched and wanted to bite her in a sexual way on her ample nose, I also wanted to punch her in the face at the same time. Man, what a dilemma.

Hell, even Alan Colmes…Alan Colmes of all people, put her in the basement last night!! Colmes couldn’t win an anti-death penalty argument with a guy eating chicken wings prior to his frying in the electric chair.

I used to like Laura Ingraham, but she has become a freak in order to keep up with Anthrax Coulter and Michelle “Jeebus Curing a Leper is Socialized Medicine” Malkin.

Holy crap, the Laura bitch is against Obama asking for September 11th to become a National Day of Service. WTF? Hey Bone-headed Bitch, are you against people helping their neighbors out?

And listen folks…If you think my breast cancer comment is out of line, bring it on…Ingraham has no clothes on this one.

She's a cunt…

Cheers!!

While America Sleeps...In Death, Ted Kennedy's Dream Is Realized

Unless you live under a rock, you now know that Sen. Edward M. Kennedy has died. Yep, Ted Kennedy has gone to that great open bar in the sky.

His passing brings many things to mind for me. Not the tragedy involving Mary Jo Kopechne. Not the flaws in his personal life. Not the bitter and sorrowful thread that weaved its way through his family.

After experiencing sadness upon the knowledge of his death on a personal, and human level, I was struck by something that my ex said.

I called the house Wednesday morning to talk to Ryno, and while waiting for him to pick up the phone I asked his mom if she had heard about Ted Kennedy.

She told me yes and that it was sad, and then went on to say something that somewhat surprised me.

She said, “What will we do now? I mean, all of the great ones are passing away and we have to rely on the current and next generation of politicians? God help us.”

Allow me to put her comment in context. The statement is coming from a person who is hardly a Liberal. Hell, she voted for McCain, and if anything, she is center right…a moderate at most.

Upon hearing her say that, my head cocked, my eyebrows peaked, and for a second, my mind went blank. I couldn’t answer her question. But her statement did proffer more questions…and thoughts.

Why, outside of the Kopechne death, was he hated and loved with such fervor? It finally dawned on me. He was a tireless, tenacious, legislator who clung to, and pushed forward his ideas of what the country should be.

He had a major hand in the writing and passage of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, COBRA, Title IX, The ADA, No Child Left Behind, and of course, had been doggedly promoting Health Care for all for decades.

Kennedy was both loved and hated because he was continually offering up change. When legislation is proposed that may alter the lives of Americans, love and hate for the idea grows quickly and exponentially. But…

Unlike most Americans, Sen. Kennedy never shied away from his ideals or feared changed. He was proud of what he thought, and he passionately championed each cause and more importantly each person in which he believed.

He…was…a…statesman. And as I look to the House and Senate today, I don’t know of anyone who has enough passion or gravitas to carry Kennedy’s bucket full of scotch laced piss. Sad.

I’m not saying that I want someone with whom I agree to follow the ideology of Kennedy.

I am trying to find someone who demonstrates leadership…a legislator who is unafraid of speaking loudly and strongly…A legislator who still has a fire in his or her belly.

Where is the next Henry Clay? The next Daniel Webster? The next Robert LaFollette and yes, the next Edward Kennedy?

I don’t see it coming from the Senators or House members who currently hold office. Hell, other than your own Senators and a handful of others, can you name the U.S. Senators? Only a few can, and you know why?

They don’t do anything outstanding or push the envelope of thought, oratory, and legislation to the edge.

Instead, our Senators and even more so our congressmen and women are more concerned about introducing bills concerning flag burning, defining what marriage is, and asking for an official resolution of apology because someone they know got their feelings hurt.

Fuck em…

Of course, their inane inertia is not entirely their fault. The issues I mentioned are exactly what riles up their constituents, their poll numbers, and more importantly their donors.

We are as much to blame for having no giants among men in our Congress. We don’t want giants. We are quite happy with like-mindedness and mediocrity. It makes us feel safe.

People like Ted Kennedy and others, who dare to challenge our values, ideas, and put an itch onto the left ass cheek of our comfort zone are unwelcome.

I feel sorry for us, but I am happy for Sen. Kennedy. Finally, after his years of struggle, toil, and effort, he is at peace.

He dwells in a place where social equality is the rule, no mouths go unfed, and there is health care for all.

In death, his dream did not die with him…It was realized.

Cheers!!

Qaddafi, Brothers, and Fantasy Football

I have a bit of Hump Day Hodgepodge for you all today. Shall we begin? Great…

If you read Bagwine Ruminations yesterday you are aware that I talked about the residents of Englewood, New Jersey being none too pleased that Muammar Qaddafi may hold a soiree on the Libyan estate located there next month when he comes to address the United Nations.

Karen of, Smiling Through It All, suggested in her comment to me that since she lives near Englewood, she could tell Qaddafi through Mayor Wildes that he is welcome at The House of Bagwine and that he should pay me a visit.

I thought about her comment for a second, and then said to myself:

“Damn right he’s welcome here. I’d dig the chance to meet him and his cadre of sexy, female bodyguards.”

So ladies and gentlemen…I fired off an e-mail to the Libyan Mission office at the UN. What follows is a copy of said e-mail:

Dear Diplomatic Corps of Libya,

I have read that your Leader Muammar Qaddafi will be in the U.S.A. next month to address the U.N. General Assembly.

I have also read that many people in the State of New Jersey are complaining that he may want to entertain guests at the property that the Libyan Government owns in Englewood, N. J.

I am offering you the opportunity to visit my apartment in Ohio. If you want to see how a typical American couple lives, you are more than welcome to stop by our place and stay awhile. I'll even cook for you and your bodyguards. Purrrrrr.

I have even dedicated my daily article to the ghastly non-welcome you are receiving from the residents of New Jersey. Here's the link:

http://bagwine.blogspot.com/2009/08/muammar-qaddafi-muammar-gaddafihowever.html

If you are interested in familiarizing yourselves with "typical" Americans and being welcome at the same time, please let me know, and we'll set something up. It would be an honor and a pleasure.

I hope that you and your folks are enjoying your Ramadan season, and please let me know if we can make this visit happen.

Sincerely,

Matt-Man
Springfield, Ohio
xxx.xxx.xxxx (phone number)
www.bagwine.blogspot.com

I haven’t heard back from them yet, but I hope to soon. Thanks for the idea Karen. I’ll get you an autographed picture of Muammar should he take me up on my invitation.

If you’d like to help me in my quest to bring Qaddafi to my home, you can e-mail the UN Mission of Libya at the following address: libya@un.int

Tell them Matt-Man is a helluva guy and a great host. Thank You.

Next item…I just found out a couple of days ago that over the last few months, that the Chicago Sun-Times has published 11 of my posts on their website. Cool, no?

The most recent one was my Palin Picnic post. Here is the link to it as it appears on the Sun-Times website: CLICK HERE

As a demonstration of how sarcasm and sardonic wit runs in the family let me share something with you. I sent an e-mail to one of my brothers telling him about my posts appearing on the Chicago Sun-Times website.

This particular brother is a journalist by trade and had been an editor and reporter for a major newspaper for years. I thought he’d appreciate knowing this fact. His response in typical family fashion was the following:

This sez something about the state of today’s newspapers: Resorting to Bagwine to pump up circulation. But who knows? It may be the answer to the industry’s ills.

Ha…Our family is so warm, so caring, so god damn funny. His response made my day; thanks bro.

It’s almost football season folks and you know what that means? The Jay-Man has created a Fantasy Football League again this year.

I played for the first time last year and it was fun because Jay makes it easy to play.

Well, our draft is coming up Thursday so I am going to be spending today and tonight after work ranking players so I can try to draft who I want.

Last year my team did pretty well.

They had a good name too. They were called the Bagwine Boners.

This year? Based on a suggestion from my son Ryan, this year’s team has a new, more fearsome moniker. What is it, you ask?

The Jonas Brothers!! Go Team; Fight Team; Winnnnnnnn Team!!

Speaking of Ryno…He is now officially a High School Freshman. He began school yesterday, and of course, before I took him to school I had to have him pose for a picture…

I guess he hasn’t discovered what a blow dryer is yet. Good Luck to Him, and to all of you…

Have a wonderful Hump Day.

Cheers!!

Muammar Qaddafi, Muammar Gaddafi...However the Hell You Spell It, Englewood, N.J. Doesn't Want Him There

I am so excited.

Muammar Qaddafi the lovable, Libyan dictator and man with more spellings of his name than Mao Tse Tung, will soon be bringing his new found international love to the United States when he comes to address the United Nations General Assembly.

This will be the first time ever that Gaddafi has set his sandy, Carthaginian feet upon U.S. soil. For me, this is my moment of frenzy that those in the 60’s experienced when The Beatles came to America.

Unfortunately, it seems that the residents of Englewood, N.J. do not share my frenetic fascination with the leader of Libya.

Mayor Michael Wildes, Congressman Steve Rothman, and Sen. Frank Lautenberg do not want Gadhafi to hang out in Englewood, N.J. And why would he?

Well my friends, the Libyan government owns an estate in Englewood located on Palisades Avenue and has owned it for over 25 years. There’s talk that Muammar wants to pitch a tent there and do some entertaining while he’s in the states.

What’s the big deal? What else is going on in New Jersey? What, Atlantic City gambling? Pfffft…I could get the same Atlantic City experience right here in Bagwine, Ohio today.

I could walk down to the Valero gas station, buy a Mega Millions Lottery ticket, drink the backwash from a 40 ounce bottle of King Cobra that someone threw out, and then piss down my pants on the way home.

Come on Englewood, N.J., let Khadafi liven the place up. Let him pitch his tent, play some music, and serve couscous and bazeen to his guests. To not allow him to party on his own property is incredibly un-American.

Sure, I know, there’s the whole release of Pan-Am Flight 103 bomber, Abdel Baset al-Megrahi thing going on, but who’s fault is that?

It isn’t the fault of Qaddafi. The Scots are the ones who set him free, stick it those haggis eating tightwads.

You can give the Scots and their release of al-Megrahi the collective finger by not allowing The Bay City Rollers to perform in New Jersey should they ever do a reunion tour. Hell, the other 49 states would gladly join you.

But, my Garden State friends, lay off Muammar, and let him enjoy his property. I for one would love to attend one of his tent parties.

He’s a snappy dresser. He knows how to party, and most importantly…

He surrounds himself with a security detail comprised of 30 hot, virginal, female bodyguards. Allah Akbar, Bitches!!

I would love to hang out for the evening and try to convert each and every one of his Quran reading hotties to the religion of Mattholicism.

Hell, if I’m sexually successful with his bodyguards, I could go on a world tour and start breeding the entire Muslim faith out of existence.

My tour motto would be a take off on the line delivered by King Edward I, aka Longshanks, in the movie Braveheart…

The problem with the Muslim world is that it is full of Muslims…If we can’t drive them out, we’ll breeeed them out.

Damn right. Me putting Longshanks plan into action, is not only a way to produce non-Muslim children, it’s one more big ol’ flip of the middle finger to the Scots.

Cheers!!

President Obama Vacations on Martha's Vineyard, Conservatives for Patients' Rights Squeal, and Barack Turns Pale

The group, Conservatives for Patient’s Rights has been running the above, Surf’s Up health care ad of late in order to coincide with President Obama’s week long vacation on Martha’s Vineyard which he began yesterday.

Eh, the ad is a little cheesy, lacks that “grab ya and gotcha” hook, and is in my opinion, pretty damn lame.

But folks let me tell you something…I am very pissed off at the vacationing Barack Obama right now…VERY.

Because he is pushing for National Health Care? No. Because he is taking time off? Nooooo. “Then why, Matt-Man”, you ask?

I am pissed at President Obama because when I checked my ballot back in November, I checked it for a former drug using, street savvy, black man for President, not an Evian drinking, Tommy Hilfiger wearing, white guy.

I first noticed him becoming white during the “Beer Summit” he had with the cop and the professor. Did you notice what kind of beer Obama drank? A Bud Light…

Dude, c’mon you’re black, you should have been sucking on some Wild Irish Rose out of a jelly jar or at least been chugging down a 40 of Colt 45. WTF?

And now…look. Look where he and his family are spending their vacation. Chilmark, on Martha’s Vineyard!!

For Godssakes they’re a black family from the south side of Chicago not a family of crackers from the upper west side of Manhattan.

Obama should be spending his summer vacation playing some street ball, and cruising the ‘hood in a ‘63 Buick Electra 225 with tricked out wheels and a fuzzy steering wheel.

He shouldn’t be playing croquet on the back lawn prior to enjoying a drive along the beach in a Volvo…or worse yet, a God Damn golf cart.

I am sooooo disgusted and disappointed in Obama. He has lost his soul.

He’s a black man who has been elected President of the most powerful country on Earth.

He should be struttin’ around and acting all hip, funky, and ghettolicious like my hero, Rick James. Barack should be greeting people with the phrase, “I’m President Obama, Bitch!!” But nooooo…

When he meets someone now, he says, “I’m President Obama, Ma’am…would you like a twist of lemon with your spritzer?” Holy Cow…

Instead of acting like Rick James, Obama is acting more like Rick Steves.

Maybe if health care reform doesn’t work out, he can do a travel special for PBS that highlights all of the quaint spots and bargain stays in and around the Buzzard’s Bay-Nantucket Sound area.

I miss the guy who would orate with the passion and fire of MLK, Jr. taking us all to the mountaintop

All I get from him now is a guy who speaks like a Methodist minister named Bob Smith finishing up his service by directing everyone to the bake sale in the church basement.

Sad.

C’mon, Brutha Barack…get your groove back…get your swagger back. Get your soul back.

I dig your reserved thoughtfulness, but man, sometimes…one has to go ahead and get jiggy with it.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Am I My Ryno's Keeper? YES!!

It is going to be a pleasant Sabbath in Bagwine.

Cool temps and I am working the Beer Mine from 11-7 today. I dig that.

As I mentioned yesterday, today is Ryno’s mom’s birthday. I am stopping by after work to drop off a couple of mums that Ryno and I bought her on Saturday.

Yeah, I know, I’m cool that way, but here’s the thing…There may be a new site in the blogosphere.

I talked to Ryno’s mom yesterday about starting a website involving Ryan. Because, well, he's sad...

Oddly enough, she is at this point, in agreement. Clap your hands and say, “Praise Jeebus” on that one.

Here’s my idea…

Ryno starts school Tuesday as a High School Freshman.

I thought, WTF?, let’s turn his upcoming four years into a soap opera…a virtual reality show.

We can make fun of every zit, girlfriend lost, and F that he gets.

So boys and girls, soonly (hopefully), Ryno will have his own website. We are going to record, notate, and every otherwise mention his life through his High School years.

Here’s the kicker…

Since he has acquiesced as far as putting his life out there, I felt that he deserved some remuneration for his efforts.

Thusly, I am going to open up a dedicated bank account for his College tuition, and put a Pay Pal thingy on his site for that reason, and that reason only.

So what do you think? I think some people, if they get involved in his life, grades, and basketball “career” will donate.

And after all, he is cute. Well, once he gets his damn hair cut, he will be.

Amen, and Amen.

Here’s to having other people pay for your kid’s college tuition, and I hope you all have a lovely Sunday.

Cheers!!

The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America: Gay and Lesbian Are A-Okay!!

It became official on Friday.

The largest denomination of Lutherans in the U.S. has voted to lift a ban that prevented sexually active gay dudes and lesbos from serving as ministers.

The delegates of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) which claims a membership of 4.7 million people, voted in Minneapolis Friday on the issue, and the results…?

Praise the Lord and Pass the KY Jelly!! Or, to quote Martin Luther…

“Be thou comforted, little dog, Thou too in Resurrection shall have a little golden tail.”

Well praise Jeebus ye of Lutheran faith, there is going to be a lot of golden tail preachin’ in your churches.

I mean, hell, I don’t think it’s a big deal. Episcopalians allow gay ministers. The United Church of Christ allows them as well, and as we all know…

The Roman Catholic Church allows not only gays into the priesthood, but pedophiles as well.

Hell, for decades, Priests have been nailin’ young boys harder than a Roman soldier hammerin’ a spike into the Lord.

In fact, I hear that when a Priest gets assigned to an all-boys Catholic High School you can typically hear him shout:

“Praise Jeebus, for in the Lord, there lies abundance!!”

Anyhoo…where was I? Oh that’s right…the fucking Lutherans.

I think what the delegates did was great. Gay people should be permitted to serve the Lord and his flock. In a way, gay men specifically, because of their sexual habits, would be more adept at serving a flock.

I also think it is very appropriate that the ELCA held its convention and voted to allow the inclusion of gay people into its cadre of clergy while in the city of Minneapolis.

After all, Minneapolis is where Sen. Larry Craig, eschewed his closeted gayness, and tried to tap toes and make time with an undercover cop in an airport bathroom. God is one clever son of a bitch.

I really do hail this as a step forward, but there is some talk that this vote will cause a schism within the ELCA…so be it.

Those who decide to split from the Lutheran Church over this inclusion can suck it…so to speak.

I do think however, when gay Lutherans start conducting services, the names of the churches in which they pastor might need to reflect the changes.

For instance in Bagwine, if a gay guy becomes the pastor of Zion Evangelical Lutheran Church, it could become re-named, The Manhole Bar and Eucharist.

If some lesbian chick takes over the holy reins of Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church, it could become known as, Grace, Betsy, Juanita and What the Eunuch Saw Evangelical Lutheran Church.

Once again, Matt-Man…Here to Help.

Well that’s it for today. Sunday is the ex’s Birthday so this morning I am taking my 14 year old son and his size 13 feet out to get his mom a present.

Hmmmmmm? 14 years old and wears size 13 shoes…?

Praise Jeebus that my kid doesn’t go to a Catholic School full of Priests.

Cheers!!

Liberal, Conservative, Moderate...Kierkegaard Was Right: When You Label Me, You Negate Me

In full disclosure…I am still a registered Democrat, but I have something to say…

This entire Health Care “debate” thing has left me laughing as much as it has left me shaking my head.

I watch the news, video of morons shouting down legislators, and chicks telling Barney Frank that Obama wants to bring Nazism to America, and I say to myself…

When did Americans get so fucking stupid? This entire “debate” also made me think of something else…

Politically, where do I lie…?

Am I a Liberal, a Conservative, or a Moderate?

And…What do those terms mean? Because seriously, how can I know what I am, if I am not exactly sure what those labels mean?

I guess being a Democrat, that pulls me towards the Liberal bent as far as being in favor of such things as gay marriage, a woman’s right to choose an abortion, and health care for all.

On the other hand...

I wonder why gay people want to be recognized as being married when that term is a religious term, government shouldn’t pay for your mistake, and why can’t a person just live well?

I have a typical Conservative Republican streak as well….

I am all for spending anything and everything on the military (I’m a military historian for God’s sake). I don’t want a government health plan that tells me what services I can get and not get.

And, while not an NRA member, I am all for the Second Amendment.

However…

While I am all for spending dollars on the military; I am not into taking on stupid, non-sensical expeditions into militarily flaccid Persian countries. I like a strong military for defense…for defense of THIS country.

As for the government health plan…Why not put the funding mechanism within the hands of the government rather than in the greedy hands of a for-profit private company?

You can talk all about what government health care will “let you have”, HMO’s already dictate that, so what’s the difference? Why not save yourself some money?

As for those of you Second Amendment whackos…Hell yeah, if you want a gun, that’s great…Have at it. However…

I think that there should be control on automatic weapons…After all, when the Second Amendment was written, firearm technology was based on the flintlock.

It’s kinda hard to rob a store when you miss the attendant and have to re-load. With a flintlock pistol, it takes you thirty seconds to re-load your gun, as said attendant is bashing in your head with a baseball bat.

Which leads me to something else…

I hear many, simple-minded people say, “The Constitution is what it is. It is NOT a living breathing document; quit trying to change it.”

Can anyone prove folks wrong on this? I have questions on this, dammit. Anyhoo…

Do you guys think of yourselves as one or the other as far as your political trend, or are you labeled as something you don’t think is quite accurate?

Just wanna know…

As for me?

I dont' know if I am a Liberal, a Conservative, or a Moderate, but I do know one thing...

I'm Matt-Man, Bitch!! And I can dig that.

As for the pictures? I had nothing that went along with this post, so I thought I’d post some old pictures of me half naked.

Cheers!!

Way Too Early With Willie Geist and Morning Joe on MSNBC: Actual Thought Goes Well With Coffee

I am an early riser typically.

On most days I arise at 5:30 A.M.…

Or to be more accurate, at 5:30 A.M., I get off of Kelly in order to go take a leak, plug the coffeemaker in, fire up the day’s first cigarette, and then turn on the TV.

The channel on the Bagwine TV is immediately turned to MSNBC.

At 5:30, MSNBC kicks off with, Way too Early with Willie Geist. I dig the Willie, and his half hour show is a great way to wake up. It’s news, but he makes it amusing.

At 6 A.M., Morning Joe (Brewed by Starbucks) begins, and runs until 9:00 A.M. If you want to know what the day’s headlines are, enjoy politics, and revel in intelligent discourse, this is the morning show that you need to watch.

Morning Joe is hosted by Joe Scarborough, a former Congressman from Pensacola, FL. His co-hosts are Mika Brzezinski, and the aforementioned, Willie Geist.

Scarborough is almost as conservative as people can be. His lifetime voting record in Congress earned him an ACU rating in the low to mid 90’s. How could I, Matt-Man, enjoy watching a guy like this?

He’s not a nut job conservative who believes in Death Panels or the claim of Obama being born in Kenya, and is more than comfortable in criticizing his own, beloved GOP. On top of that…

Scarborough can be pretty damn funny. I like that. He and Willie Geist are the Abbott and Costello of morning shows…but it’s in a smart way.

Mika Brzezinski is sitting next to Joe the entire time. And Mika? She’s easy on the eyes, can read the news as well as anyone, and…she is freakin’ annoying as hell!!

She’s a nanny state chick who wants everything that is bad for a person’s health, such as Big Macs, sugary drinks, and of course tobacco to be taxed out the ass. Rarely does a day go by that she doesn’t bring it up. And, she…never…shuts…up!!

And while I don’t find Mika to be too bright, her IQ is still at least 20 points higher than the combined IQ of Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade, and the uber-vacuous Gretchen Carlson over at Fox and Friends.

Anyhoo…

Morning Joe, unlike the right wing propaganda over at FOX with Hannity and The O’Reilly Factor, and the left wing love fest that takes place on MSNBC with Countdown with Keith Olbermann and The Rachel Maddow Show, is incredibly balanced.

The show is balanced not so much by the trio of hosts, but by the guests that they have on. They have the best guests on morning show TV, period.

Whether a person is Liberal, Conservative, or Moderate…If that person is someone who has influence in our country and the world in all areas from economics, health care, or international relations, they appear on the show.

Recurring guests include Liberals such as, Eugene Robinson, Lawrence O’Donnell, and Mike Barnicle.

Conservatives include Pat Buchanan, Dan Senor, and Peggy Noonan. Anyone in the know, appears on Morning Joe (Brewed by Starbucks).

There you have it folks. Nothing really funny here today, but I just wanted to give you a tip.

If you are tired of all of the left and right wing crazies that appear on cable TV, and want to hear informed and thoughtful opinions (whether you agree with them or not) being bandied about, there is a place that you can go.

And that place is called…

Morning Joe (Brewed by Starbucks)...in spite of Mika.

Cheers!!

Brett Favre Signs With The Vikings...Evidently, Retirement Is a Full-Time Job

Hey guys, guess what!?

Brett Favre is going to play quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings this year. No, seriously. He came out of retirement…again. And why not?

One year, 12 Million Dollars for the 2009-10 NFL season. Brett-Boy will get 13 million in the 2010-11 season if he plays.

Hell, maybe the Vikings will even give Favre a bonus of a few million after this season if he decides to come out of this year’s post-season retirement prior to next year’s training camp.

What the hell? I mean, sure, that’s quite a bit of cash, but isn’t dignity and being taken seriously worth something...?

Especially when he already has all of the cash that he and his family will ever need?

Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?

I am all for someone working at what they love as long as they want, but Jeebus Christ…In my view, Favre has become a joke with his, “I’m retired. I’m un-retired.” bullshit. Nora Desmond was less dramatic than Favre.

Poor Brett…The Green Bay Packers after years of quality service, traded him to the New York Jets last year instead of kissing his pretentious, “retired” ass, but c’mon Brett get over it.

I understand that playing for the Vikings offers you the opportunity to stick it to the Packers twice this year, but is it worth it? It isn’t for me, but of course, you owe me nothing.

However, I will say this. I enjoy watching old clips of Willie Mays in his, “Say Hey Kid” days playing for the Giants, not wandering around as a doddering old man playing for the Mets.

I like to remember Johnny Unitas in his Baltimore Colts uniform throwing a perfect spiral to Raymond Berry or handing off to Lenny Moore…not as a past his prime quarterback getting beaten up as a San Diego Charger.

I like to remember porn star Ron Jeremy banging Seka back in the day when his dick was bigger than his ginormous gut.

Brett…get over yourself. And now, something lighter…

Some Happy Birthday Wishes!!

First up, my longtime friend, Sherri.

Good OLD Sherri turns 45 today. She was my first true love, and I was her first sex partner.

Sherri owes her great sex life to me, because after having sex with me, every subsequent guy she has ever gotten biblical with has seemed incredibly good in the sack.

You’re welcome, Sherri…and Happy Birthday!!

A Happy Birthday also goes out to Schmoop’s brother, and my friend…David.

Dave is one of the best friends I have ever had. He’s rude, crude, and never minces his words.

However, he is also one of the kindest guys I have ever met, and would do anything for anyone…if the “anyone” is someone who isn't an asshole.

Happy Birthday David!! Maybe your “other” sister will show up with a Happy Meal or a coloring book for ya, but for the record, I dig ya.

Have a wonderful Hump Day all. I hope you spend it tipping a few for Sherri and Dave and wiping your ass with an old issue of Sports Illustrated that has Brett Favre on the cover.

Cheers!!

Government Run Health Care: Public Option or Co-Op? Neither...

When it comes to formulating a Government Run Health Care Plan and reforming the health care system itself, it seems as though no one can agree.

It’s a policy battle that is pitting Democrat against Republican. Liberal against Conservative. Idiot against Moron.

Foaming at the mouth, geriatric protestors are shouting down any idea that they feel will take something away from them.

Some are loudly bemoaning the idea of others getting something for nothing, and somehow in this health care discussion the names and words, “Hitler, Stalin, Fascist, Nazi”, have managed to work their way into the mix.

I realize that during WWII, monocle wearing German doctors clad in brown medical coats and jack boots would lobotomize Jews and replace the cranial vacuum with monkey brains, but I doubt that this is what anyone has in mind when it comes to health care.

Of course, try telling that to the maniacal, protesting, “No Death Panel” crowd…I doubt that you‘ll change their minds.

Anyhoo…

I have sat on the sidelines far too long and watched. I feel compelled to chime in and offer a solution to this crisis.

My plan tackles the issue of the cost drain of obesity and the elderly. Instead of a dark, shadowy government control image, it offers a super-happy B.F. Skinner type of positive reinforcement feel.

The best part of my plan? It will cost the citizens of this country, nothing….nada…squat. Can ya dig it?

How can we pull this off, you ask? Two words my friends…

Trading Stamps!!

Damn right. Based upon what types of things you buy at the store and how you live your life, you will receive an assigned number of trading stamps that are redeemable for certain types of health care.

Go to the grocery and walk out with a cart full of fruits, vegetables, and soy milk, and you will also be walking out with a boat load of health care trading stamps.

Go to the grocery and walk out with a cart full of frozen pizza, booze, and bacon wrapped sausage balls, and you will get nothing...

Although it will be apparent to all, that you are having a helluva lot more fun than the trading stamp collectors.

Forget about the terms, Public Option, Co-Op, Death Panel, and Socialism…It all boils down to trading stamps.

With my plan, the quality of your health care will rest solely on how YOU want to live your life.

And frankly, what could be more American than that? Uh-huh, nothing.

Another plus to my health care trading stamp plan…It’s fun. Trade em, collect em, use them for a poker party.

Wouldn’t it be funny to see someone’s aging grandfather trying to draw to an inside straight to get the chemotherapy he so desperately needs, and then he doesn’t draw the right cards?

Oh Hooooo, the hilarity!! I dig it.

One word of advice folks…Never get involved in a health care trading stamp card game with Marcia, Jan, and Cindy Brady because you know how that House of Cards will fall.

There you have it…Once again, it is Matt-Man to the rescue. Whew…being the voice of common sense can sometimes be such a burden, but I do enjoy it so.

Cheers!!

I'm Livin' With A Man, Baby!!

WARNING: The following exposition contains dialogue of a frank, and sexual nature.

Turn back now, if that may be unsettling to you, or if by reading the phrase, “frank and sexual nature” you are expecting a story that includes me dorking a goat…

See that huge head of mine in the picture? It’s so big (mainly due to my ego) that the picture couldn’t capture the top of it.

But, it is also enormous because I have a massive brain.

My vast cranial canyon is full of knowledge, foresight, and thought; however, I am having a sexual problem with the Schmoop, and in spite of my super human intellect, I don’t understand it.

Schmoop and I have been living in sin together for nearly nine years. Although we have had our ups and downs just like any other couple, sex has never been a problem.

It has always been smokin’ hot. In fact, mere days after hooking up with me, she even got rid of her battery operated boyfriends because they couldn’t compete with me.

That is a fact that I cling to like grim death. ’Cause, well…my incredible ability to sexually satisfy is my only accomplishment in life. Anyhoo…

As many of you know, I have an affinity and skill for what some of us now call, Number Nine.

If you are unfamiliar with that Bagwine term, it means going south of the equator on a chick and seeing what the tuco-tuco of Patagonia tastes like. Schmoop’s little Southern Hemisphere rodent is delicious.

I think it may even contain Vitamin C, but I digress…

Lately during our sexcapades, as I am doing my best Magellan impersonation by orally exploring her Terra del Fuego, she will suddenly squirm and cut me off from my lady wallet osculation of her.

Schmoop, with the instant gratification characteristics of a man, will say:

“C'mon baby, I want dick!!”

Y’know…Here I am spending all of this time taking care of every inch of her body, and NOT being a wham, bam, thank you ma’am kinda guy, and what do I get for my efforts?

Heartache, that’s what.

I don’t get it. She likes me doing what I do. I loooooove it, and yet, when I start really getting into it, she just has to have the Matt-Meat.

Have I become so good that she can’t contain herself? Am I just so incredibly desirable that when I tongue her love button, she goes sexually ballistic?

Is my tongue the catalyst for a type of orgasm unseen in history since the time when a newly turned 13 year old Ann Coulter blew out the candles on her birthday cake that was designed in the shape of Richard Nixon’s head?

Or, has Schmoop developed man genes that dictate that she has to have it right here, right now, and with no regard to my feelings of love and longing to share quality time in our sex?

I tell ya…I am at a loss, and I need your help. We need your help.

You see, I am working during the day today, so Schmoop and I will be together tonight. We plan on having sex.

I was counting on you brilliant folks to give us some profound advice.

I hope that when I return home from work Monday evening and I open the comments, Schmoop and I will see some sage advice for my tongue, my Johnson, and her vagina.

I thank you in advance.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: "Fools Are My Theme, Let Satire Be My Song"

Yesterday I wrote a piece that discussed the extra-marital affairs of Mark Sanford, Rick Pitino, John Ensign, and John Edwards.

I discussed how I was disappointed not in the actions of these men, but in their choice of the women with whom they cheated upon their wives.

I received several e-mails, from women specifically (on a Saturday no less).

I also received a couple of comments on the blog as to why I was defending these guys and saying that their infidelity would be okay if the women with whom they were cheating were prettier.

I have a Sunday word of wisdom for you all who felt this way…

Holy Jeebus, are you fucking crazy? No, seriously?

I don’t condone cheating on one’s spouse whether you are a man or woman. I’ve experienced that…been there; done that…It’s not all that great.

But hell, especially through emails did I catch some shit yesterday. I even caught shit from someone who wishes her husband would cheat on her so she would have an excuse to divorce him.

I am sorry that on a weekend day that I set off such a maelstrom. I was just making some jokes about some high profile guys as well as...

Giving a little pub to some women that I think are really cool…and smart…and yeah, hot.

As one of my faves, Jonathan Swift said,

“Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody's face but their own.”

I think that is what happened yesterday…at least I hope it is, because if those of you who have read me for awhile still don’t “get” me, I mean wow…I’m not the problem.

Sure, my posts often contain a point on what’s happening socially, politically, or culturally but my expositions are typically full of hyperbole.

I am a satirist folks. I am not a joker who just says anything, but at the same time, I am not Albert Einstein or Albert Camus.

I am Matt-Man, and I author a cogent blog that is full of smart fun, great comments, and a whole lot of humorous bloviating.

It’s good to meet ya.

Amen, and Amen.

Off to work in the oppressive heat from 11-7...Have a lovely day.

Cheers!!

John Edwards, Rielle Hunter, and Baby: A Cry for HuMANity

On Thursday, I discussed the affair and subsequent fall out over the affair that Rick Pitino had with Karen Sypher.

In that particular dissertation, I also mentioned the recent affairs of Sen. John Ensign and Gov. Mark Sanford. And now…

Former Senator John Edwards is back in the news. It is being reported that he will soon admit to being the Baby Daddy of Rielle Hunter’s child.

Mizz Hunter is of course the woman that Edwards was dorking in the one of two Americas in which his wife Elizabeth, was not living.

I thought I was done talking about all of these affairs. I was merely trying to find a few jokes in all of this un-matrimonial madness. But I tell ya, I don’t find it funny any longer. I find it very disturbing and it makes me sick to my stomach.

How could the four aforementioned men of stature, power, and financial security do this? I mean for God’s sake…The chicks with whom they cheated on their spouses are butt ass ugly.

Here’s a picture of Pitino’s former “hot” babe, Karen Sypher…


WTF? I know they had sex at a fancy restaurant, but did he initially meet her while looking for a cost effective foot fungicide at Wal*Mart?

Sen. Ensign’s babe, Cindy Hampton…

A definite step up from that Karen Sypher chick, but c’mon Mr. Ensign…You are a United States Senator. I’m sure you can cheat on your wife with someone better than Mr. Ed’s long lost daughter. Maybe there’s some kind of bestiality thing going on with ya.

Mark Sanford traveled clear to Argentina to dip his wick in Maria Belen-Chapur…Why?

Holy Cow. This chick looks like Sophia Loren will look like if she lives to be 120. And this Southern Hemisphere harlot is only 44 or so.

And now…John Edwards and his birthing beauty, Rielle Hunter…

What the hell? That’s the lady that Edwards found so hot and desirable that he would risk his marriage, family and millions of dollars for?

She looks like she just came off a three day meth binge. Johnny Boy, Johnny Boy…If you’re going to do this again, please go to the drugstore and get some condoms and a bottle of Focus Factor first. Jeez.

I don’t get at all what these major dudes saw in these chicks. Hell, if they had a taste for truly hot babes instead of the hit upside the head with an ugly stick chicks they cheated with, they could have just come to my site.

Take for instance this leather chapped, hot, motorcycle ridin' mama...Yes indeed boys, allow me to introduce you to Kat. Perhaps, Ensign and Sanford would really dig her. She is a bit of a Conservative ya know. Purrrrrrrrrrr.

Of course there is the resident Bagwine beauty, Schmoop. Hummina Hummina. Hey Pitino, you wouldn't have to work your way through three layers of foundation and an oil slick of lipstick to get to the real thing with her.

Yo Edwards...here is our Bagwine scientist, Desert Rat. In spite of her appearance in this picture, she is NOT retarded. Brains, beauty, and well coiffed hair, just like you. Of course, she might be a little too good looking for your, um..."taste" in women.

Oh yeah, why trek across the country and the world when we have plenty of beauty right here on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations? I don't think you would get anywhere with these babes, but it gives you something to shoot for.

Now dammit boys...You've already let your wives and families down, so here's my advice to you...

If you are, in the future, going to put your dignity and Johnson on the line, at least do it with a chick who is hot like all of the babes who stop by Bagwine.

You are giving the American heterosexual man a bad name.

Cheers!!

I Am a Rock; But I'm Not An Island

Bagwine is closed for the day...

My mind keeps going back to John Donne's, Meditation XVII, but in a different way in which he wrote it.

The clarion call of the spire does call me and more often than not, it calls us all...but sometimes it is only me, and frankly, I'm tired of it.

"No man is an island, entire of itself."

Understood Mr. Donne, and oddly enough, right now, I wish that that wasn't true.

I'm tired of being, once again, the preacher who answers the church bell, and all that the congregation does, is sit, and listen....and watch.

Cheers!!

Rick Pitino and Karen Sypher: I'd Like The Spaghetti, Meat, and Balls With A Side of Extortion

Rick Pitino…

University of Louisville basketball coach…Devout Roman Catholic…A man who enjoys incorporating food into his sex life with women other than his wife.

He’s the ultimate triple threat, and…a source of irony.

If you haven’t heard, Louisville Head Basketball Coach, Rick Pitino has been involved in some legal wrangling involving an extramarital liaison that he had with the Bluegrass State floozie and wearer of way too much make-up, Karen Sypher.

Evidently, ol’ Rick “The Stick” Pitino engaged in a sexual encounter with one Karen Sypher back in August of 2003.

In keeping with the limelight he enjoys as one of our nation’s most successful basketball coaches, Pitino and Sypher did the full court nasty next to, under, and on top of a table at the upscale Louisville restaurant, Porcini.

Oh Baby, I can see Pitino’s olive oil covered head bobbin up and down under Sypher’s skirt as she is writhing and screaming, “Mangia!! Mangia!!”

Unfortunately…Pitino couldn’t adhere strictly to the, “eatin’ ain’t cheatin’ rule.” Noooooo, Mr. Big Stuff had to bring his A-Game to the table as well as his hardwood court experience. Damn right.

Rick the Stick, slam dunked Sypher’s love basket and in the process got fouled because his move created a three-point play. Him, her, and her womb.

Yep, it seems that not only did Pitino spring for a really good Porcini dinner, he got her pregnant. See what happens when you order ala carte? It’s costly.

Well, Sypher wanted to have an abortion so Pitino coughed up $3,000.00. Of course being the devout Catholic that he is, he claims it was merely to help her get health coverage.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that anyone who has just banged a prominent person is in return, looking for an insurance policy with affordable premiums and a 10 dollar co-pay.

C’mon Pitino don’t lie. God and Pope Benny are watching you.

Of course, the story takes a turn for the worse. It appears that years later Sypher got a hair up her ass that wasn’t Pitino’s and decided to try to extort 10 Million Dollars from Pitino in order to keep things quiet.

Pitino said no; so guess what lipstick pig Sypher did?

That’s right…she claimed that their consensual, culinary carnality was actually an act of restaurant rape perpetuated by Pitino.

Ha…Yeah right, food whore.

The funny thing is…Sypher was, at the time, married (now estranged) to Pitino’s equipment manager, Tim Sypher.

I guess Tim isn’t too good at his job because he failed to manage his boss’s equipment from hosing his wife.

Wow…What a tangled web we weave. Here’s the thing, and the irony that I mentioned at the beginning of this blather.

Sen. John Ensign (R-NV), Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC), and now Rick Pitino have recenty been busted for having affairs.

I have always found Gov. Mark Sanford to be a loon. Not quite with it. Kind of a Barney Rubble living in a Jetson’s world, but now, I’m not so sure.

While Ensign and Pitino were puttin’ the salami to the wives of friends and staff members in offices and restaurants here in the states…

Sanford at least had the good sense to hose some chick with no ties to his administration in an apartment in Argentina.

Sure he got caught as well, but damn…compared to the other two, Sanford’s a frickin’ genius.

Anyhoo, that’s all I have to say about that. Well there is one other thing…

To the owners of the restaurant, Porcini…Now is the perfect time to Americanize the name of your eatery.

Why don’t you rename it, Porky’s?

Cheers!!

NOS Kicks Ass...

Man, it was humid yesterday. Working in the Beer Mine was a sweaty and tiring adventure.

I always drink plenty (3-4 liters) of Ice Mountain water while I’m there, but sometimes the struggle of keeping up with the demands of thirsty and nicotine starved patrons wears on me.

It’s rough on the Matt-Man, especially when I know that when I am done at work...

I have to go home, sit down to my computer, drink beer, and make the Bagwine magic happen for the next day.

Sometimes simply drinking water isn’t enough, and I require a pick me up prior to leaving the Drive-Thru.

When I need an energy drink to get me through, which one do I turn to?

Full Throttle? No. Red Bull? Pfffft, it should be called Red Bullshit. Rockstar? Ha. That crap is a rock star on the level of Richard Marx…or Richard Carpenter.

Monster, perhaps? The only thing scary about that stuff is the price, the taste, and the lack of bitch in it.

No my friends…When I need powerful shot of B6 and B12, along with Ginseng, Caffeine, Taurine, L-Carnitine, and Inositol…

I go with the high performance energy drink that kicks ass. NOS!! Yeah baby, NOS…KICKS…ASS. And, it tastes goooooood.

NOS comes in three flavors. Original (citrus), Grape, and my personal favorite (as well as Pizza Bill’s), Fruit Punch.

The Fruit Punch NOS is like Hawaiian Punch on steroids…or crack. My tastes buds are happy; my mind is sharp, and my motor skills race more quickly than that of a rabbit’s reproductive system.

I don’t keep the legal high of NOS to myself. No sir. If someone comes through the Beer Mine and is unfamiliar with energy drinks but wants one, I push the NOS.

That’s right. My name is Matt-Man, and I’m a NOS pusher. And dammit, I am proud of it.

Most take my word for the quality of NOS because they see me running after ice…jumping from cooler to cooler, and bringing them three twelve packs of beer, six packs of smokes, and two bags of chips in one trip. All the while…

Still managing to stare at the cleavage that belongs to the hot chick in the car behind them. The Coca-Cola Company has purchased a winner in NOS.

To the folks who make NOS I say unto you: “Me Love You Long Time.”

And folks…As a matter of full disclosure I haven’t been compensated for this post in any manner, however…

If the NOS folks would like to send me a case of their magic, happy drink, I sure as hell wouldn’t turn it down.

And, if you’d like to visit the NOS site, you can do so by clicking HERE. Even if you’re not into energy drinks, they do have pictures of hot NOS babes…

Drink NOS, and as always…

Cheers!!