Texas Drug Treatment Centers

I received an e-mail Tuesday evening from a man named Jim Schergen who works for All Treatment which is an organization that helps people find addiction rehab services in their area.

Mr. Schergen, asked if I would provide a link to a particular chain of centers, Texas Drug Treatment Centers.

After I chuckled about the irony of any drug/alcohol center or organization wanting a me to put a link on Bagwine Ruminations, I said to myself:

“Eh, that actually makes perfect sense.”

It’s like Jesus seeking out the sinners. Ha!!

Seriously though, if you or someone you know needs help with an alcohol or drug problem, tell them about Texas Drug Treatment Centers.

It’s fun to tie one on once in awhile, but when it interferes with everyday life, the results of addiction can be devastating…

For the addicted, and those around him or her.

So, not only am I providing a link to Texas Drug Treatment Centers in this post, their link is permanently affixed in my sidebar.

And of course, if you are not in the Texas area but need help for yourself or someone close to you, you can go to the All Treatment site and find centers in your area.

While I am being compensated for the link, I would have done it free. It’s the right thing to do...

Just don’t tell Mr. Schergen that!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man: Always Thinking and Solving the World's Ills...You're Welcome.

Neither the Democrats nor the Republicans in D.C. can seem to offer up any viable plan to get this nation out of debt.

Other world leaders and nations are struggling with the same ineptness and intransigence.

I have a plan that will not only get us and the world back on solid financial footing, but economies across the globe will actually flourish.

Unlike the clowns in Washington, London, Beijing, and Ulan Bator…I can think outside the box and get to the root of the problem.

And that root of said problem is…Money.

I know...you’re saying, “No shit Matt-Man, there ain’t enough of it, you dipshit.”

Unbeknownst to you, that within your collective “dipshit” statement towards me, lies the answer.

We change the world economy to a currency based on shit. That’s right, the global currency shall be based on human shit, personal fecal matter, one’s...own...poo.

Why the Hell not? Why were and are certain currencies valued? What has made and makes a diamond worth so much? Why was salt used to pay Roman soldiers?

Because…someone, somewhere deemed that those things were and/or are, valuable.

Well my friends, I deem shit to be valuable and everyone has it; so let’s use something that we all have and for which we can trade for goods and services.

Imagine the possibilities of this wonderful shit-based economy…

There’d be no debt, because naturally, you would “pay as you go”.

Imagine yourself at White Castle or Golden Corral feasting on the all-you can-eat buffet and discover that you have brought no shit with ya to pay for it.

No worries…You know damn well, that before it’s time to go home, you’ll have plenty of shit with which to pay the bill.

Another plus is that the lexicon would change and the jokes would be pretty funny…

“Hey Jim, why does Bob think his shit don’t stink?” “Because Mel, he’s a money launderer.”

You could be sitting in a fancy restaurant with your family of six, and when the waiter brings the overpriced tab, you could say:

“Holy Crap!! Am I ever gonna pay out the ass for this meal!!”

Hilarity would ensue, but more importantly the world would be filthy...stinking...rich.

Dysentery outbreaks, Mexican water, and uncooked sausage would be huge cash cows!!

Going to a Casino would be a riot, because if you hit the jackpot, the one armed bandit you just played, would be oozing out golden shit faster than a Lindsay Lohan yeast infection.

Oh yeah, I think this has potential and real world applications. And best of all?

If this shit based economy comes to fruition, and the dumps that I have taken over the last couple of days continue…

I will become the world’s first bona fide Bowel-ionaire!!

Bottoms Up, and…

Cheers!!

I'm With Stupid: Growing By Leaps and Bounds!!

Another long 10-9 day ahead at the mine, but Monday night I did manage to get the, I'm With Stupid Facebook site set up.

It is incredibly rudimentary right now as it was late, but check it out, leave something on our wall, and "like" us while you're there.

The link to the Facebook page is in my left sidebar.

And of course, in case you missed it, I'm With Stupid has it's own blog site now:

I'm With Stupid Blog Site!!

So click on the above link if you'd like to check that out.

Thanks guys; Jay and I appreciate it!!

Off all day Wednesday, so I'll catch up with all y'all then.

Cheers!!

Just a Note...Nothing Else.

Happy Monday folks…

Not much for today and I will be working 10-9 so…suck it, and miss me. Okay, just suck it.

Anyhoo…

Our radio show went fairly well yesterday, in case you missed it, you can listen to it here:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

But, my friends…

I have a big announcement for ya. I’m With Stupid has its own web site now.

Here’s the link:

I’m With Stupid

Stop by and check it out. There’s not much there yet, but you know what?

Exactly!!

What?

Anyhoo…check it out if you have time, or even if you don’t. C’mon, help a couple of bruthas out.

So, that’s it…I am working 10-9 today and Tuesday so I shall see you on Wednesday for the most part.

And keep in mind…On Wednesdays I blog, tweet, and talk on the phone completely naked.

Have a day, Bitches!!

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Quit Playin' Like a Bunch of Marys!!

It’s going to be a picture perfect early Fall Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today, but I do have a complaint…

Notre Dame Bloooooowz.

And, evidently Stanford knows just how to blow them as they bled Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow by a score of 37-14 yesterday.

Listen up Golden Domers…

I know your school is named after the Virgin Mary, but do you have to play football like a bunch of knocked up chicks?

And true, Notre Dame is French, but does that mean you have to reenact the horrendous effects of the Nazi blitzkrieg every time you take to the gridiron?

Oh…Dear…God!! Hey Irish, you are 1-3. 1 and 3!! And those three losses sure as Hell don’t represent the Holy Trinity!!

If you guys continue to play like this?

Every time you lose, a nun will lose her virginity. Through me, God has spoken.

Amen, and Amen…

Now kidz, listen up, and by listen up, I mean listen to I’m with Stupid on Blog Talk Radio today at 11 AM EDT.

Jay and I will be discussing our favorite drunken misadventures and favorite hangover foods.

We hope you will listen and join the fun-filled conversation by calling in.

Here’s the link with all of the vital information: Vital Information!!

Until then, have a wonderful Sunday and I hope to see you on the radio.

Cheers!!

Saturday in Staccato

Happy Saturday!!

Working.

All day today.

11-9.

And then...

Going to see Ryno.

Won't be home,

until 11:30 or so tonight.

But...

Tomorrow,

Jay and I

are doing our radio show

Here's the link.

I'm With Stupid

Please,

Listen and call in

Sunday

At 11 AM EDT

Thanks.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiiday and you know what that means. That’s Right!!

It’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

Thursday evening at the Beer Mine talking to Pizza Bill…

Me: Yo Billy-Boy can you use your van to help me move a couch from David’s house over to the apartment the first Sunday in October?

Bill: I’ll have to take the seats out, but sure.

Me: Thanks. Schmoop said that if you helped us out she’d show you her tits.

Bill: Hee Hee.

Me: Ha…Naw, I’ll pay ya.

Bill: I’d rather see Schmoop’s tits.

Me: Deal!!

Thursday morning taking Ryno to school…

Me: I’ll pick you up this afternoon. I’m going to park in that cornfield way behind the baseball diamond.

Ryno: If you park way back there, when I eventually do get to the car, I’m gonna park my fist in your face.

Me: Ha!! Good One.

Monday morning talking to Schmoop following Sunday’s post tryst admission fall out…

Me: You’re not going to work today?

Schmoop: No…I feel like shit this morning. I’ll just blame Dana. Ha.

Me: Ha...I’ll tell her.

Schmoop: And when you do, tell her to stop being a whore!! I did. I mean, shortly after you left your wife and moved in with me, I did.

Me: Ha. Hey-Oooooooo

Schmoop: I crack myself up…ugh, I’m going back to bed.

And that’s it for this week’s installment, but I do have a few things to pass along to you chuckleheads.

First of all, this past Tuesday I wrote about and professed my love for national radio talk show host, Leslie Marshall. Well kids, now dig it.

She read it Tuesday night and got a hold of me via Twitter. We had a brief Twitter convo and she was incredibly sweet.

I just want to say thanks to her for taking the time to read it and actually contacting me. Here’s to the lovely Leslie. Cheers to ya, Mizz Marshall!!

Today marks the 51st birthday of the sexiest librarian in the world, Bagwine buddy, Michele!! I want to give a big ol’ Happy Birthday to Michele. Have a wonderful day, dear!!

Lastly, I’m With Stupid will once again rear its ugly head at 11 AM EDT Sunday on Blog Talk Radio. Please join Jay and myself for some Sunday morning fun.

In addition to our weekly NFL picks and my weekly fucking by Time Warner, we will be talking about bad and/or funny things that have happened to us while drunk.

We invite you to call in and lay your stories on us as well.

And, since many of you will be listening to us with a hangover, we will also discuss what our favorite hangover foods are.

Off today so I’ll be whoopin’ it up I hope you all do the same. Have a good one!!

Cheers!!

Transition

Ya know?

I have been doing this blog crap for four plus years.

I’m really getting’ tired of it. No. I’m not gonna end Bagwine Ruminations. But…

Let me tell ya…

Doing the same shtick for pretty much the same people day in and day out, is really wearin’ on me, and…

I’m sure it is just as tiresome for my regular commenters as well…but I have a larger, non-commenting audience out there, and I need to address them.

I have to address my two true loves…Religion, Politics, and Seriousity….and when I make up new words. Okay, three loves.

Anyhoo…

I know how those topics bore many of you, so to you, I say adios, because I know many of you don’t like that sort of thing.

But…I have found when going back through my posts while putting my book together, I am best when I write seriously. And particularly…

I am best when I write about religion, politics, and with a funny yet, serious edge.

I may even take a day or two off, and for the change, I apologize in advance.

Cheers!!

Autumnal Equinox Hodgepodge

Welcome to the first day of Fall chuckleheads. Fall begins this evening at 11:09 PM.

It’s appropriate that Fall begins today as I am off all day and plan on drinking much which could very well lead to me falling down.

And on Thursday…The Jewish observance of the Feast of the Tabernacles, better known as Sukkot begins. Hee Hee….Sukkot.

This Heeb Holiday is allegedly pronounced “Soo-Koe”. I call bullshit…That spelling screams, “SUCK IT”. Oy Vay!!

The name aside, Sukkot is the third Jewish holiday in the last three weeks.

Holy Moses, how many days of Manischewitz drinking and self-loathing can these Christ Killers celebrate!?

It’s like the Jews have three holidays a month, they're as bad as the freakin’ Muslims. I’ll tell you what though…

If I had money to invest, I’d invest it in the Jewish Greeting Card industry and become as rich as them. Only I’d be better off...

Because unlike Jews, I’d be invited to join exclusive, private Country Clubs.

I am off today, but the Beer mine was hoppin’ yesterday. Sweet Baby Jeebus!!

It began with Drive-By Mikey bitching about our neighbors…Donato’s Pizza.

There had been an empty two liter of Mountain Dew sitting like a sore thumb near their property. They wouldn’t pick it up. It irritated the hell out of him.

So, Mikey walked over and placed it directly on the lot.

They picked it up and threw it away. Hee Hee. That shit drives Drive-By Mikey nuts.

The Beer Mine was really dead until about 3 PM, and then…Blammo!! From 3-8 or so, it was non-stop. The tips were pretty good…

Tuesday night I came home hot, sweaty, and tired, but found something in fridge that I was happy to see and would eat before I went to sleep…

Damn right…Fried SPAM, cooked ahead of time by, and with the compliments of…Schmoop.

Thanks Schmoop!! I do love me some fried SPAM.

One last item and picture of hodgepodge…On this wonderful Autumnal Hump Day, would someone please call our cat, Corky…

She’s evidently dying to talk to somebody new.

Have a Happy Hump Day and remember, between now and Thursday make sure to wish every Jew you meet a wonderful holiday by saying to them…

“Happy? Suck It!!?

Cheers!!

The Leslie Marshall Show...I'm In Love!!

There’s a new sheriff in Political Pundit town, and her name is Leslie Marshall. Ha!! Sheriff…Marshall, See what I did there?

Anyhoo…

Mizz Marshall among other things, has a national radio show every weeknight.

When I get home from a long day at the Beer Mine, I pour a glass of WIR, fire up the computer, and listen to Leslie.

As her political punditry pulsates through my hard drive and breathily sings through my speakers, I swoon like a little school boy…a reform school boy.

My feelings for her are quite similar to what National Review’s Rich Lowry experienced for Sarah Palin when he watched Palin participate in the 2008 VP Debate:

“I’m sure I’m not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, “Hey, I think she just winked at me.”…it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America.”

That’s so warm, so human, so parallel, because Lowry and Palin are just like Leslie and me. Well…

Except unlike Lowry, I’m not a nitwit neo-con suffering from short man’s syndrome and unlike Palin…

The lovely Leslie is not a vacuous, half baked, half term, GOP, Eski-Ho!!

No sir…Leslie and I are moderately Liberal and of course, Uber-Cute.

Marshall has even exchanged tweets with me. Our tender Twitter moments are precious to me. She has even tweeted me to call her.

Well, call her show. I always do, except for the one night when I was pretty damn drunk.

When I do call her show, I don’t feel like a mere ratings number, I feel like I am King of the World!!

For those reasons, Leslie Marshall is Hot and I Love Her!! In fact…

Before the ice delivery guy Luis, departed the Beer Mine on Monday, I slapped a sign on the back of his truck professing my love.

He caught me though, and had me take it off, but my will could not be denied, and I slapped it on the side of his truck seconds before he departed for his next of many stops…

I hope that Leslie reads this and lets me know how much she appreciates my tribute to her and the passion for her that stirs my soul. Ahhhhh.

I’m working 10-9 on this glorious Tuesday d’amour, so don’t none of ya chuckleheads try to move in on my Leslie during my absence.

Cheers!!

So What?

Yesterday was interesting…

In spite of my Devil May Care attitude that I project on here, I enjoy a bland life. I want no unexpected excitement.

Well, if you read yesterday’s post by my BFF/OSP Schmoop, or listened to I’m With Stupid Sunday, you know that I nearly had sex with Bagwine buddy, Dana in late June.

Dana and I hurt the Schmoop with our inappropriate activity a couple of months ago, but we did something few do.

Dana and I apologized publicly and loudly. And…Schmoop, when confronted with the public apology, “should we do this”, had the heart to say, “Go for it.”

Okay, Schmoop had a few more words than that, but you get the point.

Anyhoo…

How many of you have the balls to admit your sins? Especially in the face of others?

And how many of you are as forgiving as Schmoop?

Penitence is a double edged sword and courage is a double edged…um…thing?

Dana and I had the balls to admit our mistake, and Schmoop?

She had the greater balls to accept it and deal with it.

I believe there are far fewer on the internets like us that do that. There’s a lot of lies out there, and while I feel bad about what happened…

I feel better that we laid it all out there.

Yom Kippur was indeed a fruitful day.

Cheers!!

So..?

So...

If any of you listened to, “I’m With Stupid" on Blog Talk Radio, which you really should, you know that “a caller”, DANA called in with her Yom Kippur Atonement message.

I know some of you might think badly of the Matt Man, but please don’t. Don’t’ think badly of her either, her site is quite good.

I have gotten over it for the most part, and I wish them well.

Ha!! No I don’t. Fuckers.

Hey, what would a post from me, be if I didn’t throw a Fuck in there! Huh? I capitalize fuck, that’s right bitches.

I’ve never had this happen before, so I have been a complete ass on most occasions.

I came from a VERY abusive fourteen year relationship, and maybe I really don’t know how to handle things. Matt did too.

You would think after ten years of cohabitation, and much love, that we would both get it. Guess not. I guess I wasn’t enough.

He broke my heart…into a million pieces. I didn’t even know he could.

Even though I fell in love with him quickly, and hard, I didn’t know he really had the power to hurt me.

I thought I was tough. I was wrong.

I will get over it, and I have for the most part.

When you think you couldn’t be hurt………it’s a whammy when you find out you are human after all. Far out right? Fuck the humans. I hate having feelings.

I’m glad it’s finally out there. I actually was going to do this too, only to a bigger degree because I know things. I ain’t, yea I said ain’t, going there.

To borrow words from my man Jay…

Hola!!

Oh, I guess I should have said "Hola" at the beginning of the post...ah Fuck It.

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Let's Give The Jews Their Due

It’s going to be a rainy Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today.

Of course, there’s a song in my heart as always, because I’ll be doing Blog Talk Radio with the Jayman today at 11 AM EDT!!

Now today is special, because in honor of Yom Kippur we are asking callers to chime in and atone for their sins.

So if you would, please listen in, and call in to our show, I’m With Stupid at 11 AM EDT.

The link is right HERE.

Also, an hour or two after the show, my lovely BFF/OSP Schmoop will be chiming in on Bagwine Ruminations with a Yom Kippur post of her own.

Amen and Amen…

Have a blessed Sunday Bitches, and as always…

Cheers!!

Yom Kippur: The Day of Atonement on, I'm With Stupid

Today at sundown marks the beginning of the Jewish observance of Yom Kippur…The Day of Atonement.

In Judaism, this 25 hour period of Yom Kippur marks the end of the annually occurring High Holy Days, or as I call it… Jew-a-Palooza.

Anyhoo…

In order to give this very solemn day of Heebness its due, Jay and I will be purging ourselves of any and all sins live over the internets.

That’s right, sports fans…Tomorrow on I’m With Stupid at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio, Jay and I will be supplicating and penitating.

If that doesn’t make for good Blog Talk Radio, I don’t know what does. But…

In order to make it really over the top good, we need you to call in and lay your sins out there.

This episode will be a caller driven show, so we need your help.

Call in and lay your heart on us so we can absolve you and more than likely mock you endlessly.

Longtime Bagwine buddy and internet vixen, Dana, has intimated that she may call in with an open and honest Sunday Secret.

Which knowing her as I do, it has to be either really twisted or really bad.

You should do the same.

One, it will make you feel better dropping off your emotional baggage, and two…

It will be fucking funny.

Jay and I will also be talking about hot Spanish chicks in testosterone laden football locker rooms.

We will discuss the candidacy of Christine O’Donnell as I masturbate live, and we will make our I’m With Stupid football picks of the week.

Now, that’s some good shit right there boy!!

So, please tune in, call in, and lose yourself in stupid for an hour.

I’m off to work 11-9 today because well, people need beer.

I hope to see you all tomorrow on I’m With Stupid.

Have a wonderful Saturday folks, and of course…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™

It’s Friiiiiiday and you know what that means…That’s Right!!

It’s time for another installment of, Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™

Last Friday standing outside the Beer Mine after I had walked up to get my check, a hot chick pulls in and Pizza Bill waits on her…

Bill: Can I help you?

Chick: (yelling) Yeah, I want to talk to that cocksucker!!

Bill: Who?

Chick: (pointing at me and angry) That cocksucker standing against the wall. He stole my virginity!!

Bill: Hey Matt-Man this woman wants to speak with you.

Me: (walking to the car) What did I do? I---

Chick: (laughing) Hi cocksucker, need a ride?

Me: Ha. Sure!!

It turned out to be my old girlfriend from High School!!

With the aforementioned old girlfriend in the Bagwine digs minutes later…

Me: So, how’s tricks?

OGF: Eh, okay. I kinda want to find someone to date.

Me: Sweet…I’m available on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.

OGF: I said I want to find someone to date, not do!!

Me: Rats.

Tuesday night working the Beer Mine as my old, Boris Karloff looking customer pulls in…

Boris: Get me a 12 pack of Diet-Mountain Dew and put it in the bed, if it’s not too much trouble.

Me: There ya go.

Boris: Could you hand me one of them?

Me: There ya go.

Boris: You know? You’d make a good butler.

Me: Ha. You couldn’t afford me.

Boris: Just like everything else in this place. See ya.

Thursday evening seeing one of my shirts that Schmoop laid out for her to wear to work today…

Me: Hey, that’s my shirt.

Schmoop: Yeah? So?

Me: Well you could at least ask if you could wear it.

Schmoop: You don’t ask me before you wear my underwear.

Me: Good point.

And there you have it for this week folks. Off today, partying and catching up on blogs!!

Make sure to listen to I’m with Stupid with Jay and me this Sunday at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio.

Among other things we will be celebrating Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement so call in with your sins and you will be absolved…or ridiculed.

Bottoms Up, and as always...

Cheers!!

What The Fuck?

A guy I know, has had it on Facebook.

He has been talking about friends dropping friends because they know someone else who’s said friend doesn’t like him or her…

Or whatever…you know what I mean…

It’s fine to drop someone on Facebook, not read them on Blogger, or no longer follow them on Twitter, but if you are going to do so…

Fucking do it!!

Oh my God, what is with this High School mentality that permeates the internets!?

And that mentality goes beyond merely “de-friending”.

This entire internets thing amuses me. It’s grade/junior high/high school for adults.

Be they 25 or 75...Adults act like kids on here.

Blogger, Facebook, and even more so, Twitter, people lie, cheat, steal, and more “impo-tently” are fucking obnoxious…

Mainly to themselves.

I watch people join social networks in the name of making friends and end up enjoying the hell out of disassociating themselves from others.

It’s hi-larryous and at the same time…quite sad.

I don’t know why they do it, but there are people out there who enjoy crapping on others or at least trying to.

Don’t get me wrong, I love calling an asshole an asshole, but I never do it to make myself feel better. I do it because it’s fun!!

But seriously…Why do people get on social networks such as Facebook, Twitter, and the like and end up merely being pissed off all the time?

I need answers people, ‘cause it’s driving me nuts!!

Cheers!!

Christine O'Donnell Wins Delaware Republican U.S. Senate Primary...Common Sense Loses

Well it’s official…Christine O’Donnell has won the Republican Primary for U.S. Senator from Delaware.

The Bible beatin’, don’t you dare masturbate, Tea Party Express and Sarah Palin endorsed moron defeated long time Republican congressman Mike Castle in Tuesday’s Senate primary.

Along with Senate candidates Joe Miller (R-AK) and Sharron Angle (R-NV) she is now the third corner of the, Tri-Cornered Tea Party Hat of Stupidity.

Oh Dear God, what has this country wrought? Come January, these three unqualified boneheads could actually being standing on the Senate floor!! Legislating!!

Wow…just…fucking…wow!!

Much like Obama has allowed the far left-wing of the Democratic party to hijack his agenda and common sense, the GOP is getting hijacked by far-right wing ass clowns.

Political moderation, informed debate, and the era of greatness within the halls of Congress have long passed.

The political lines are now drawn so acutely, that there is no room for moderation, for compromise, for intellectual thought.

Political ideologies are fast becoming two camps with a “my way or the highway” mindset. It’s sad, and Rep. Mike Castle in my thinking has become the poster child for that.

You see, Castle during his nine term run in Congress earned a 56 rating from the American Conservative Union. The scale goes from 0 (The Devil) to 100 (Praise Jeebus, He’s One of Ours!!).

Castle’s rating seems to indicate he’s played it nearly right down the middle over 18 years. Well folks, some people don’t like that. It’s Heresy!!

He’s a man without a party and Tuesday night he paid for it with his political career.

His down the middle, debate and compromise career of public service has been truncated by a lying, hyper-ideological, pool of puke, and blunt force to the head damaged chick named Christine O’Donnell.

O’Donnell won. Extreme ideology won. Common sense lost.

Party labels have become more important than what is best for the country. I have a suggestion as to how fix this increasingly obvious problem.

We ban political parties. Just as with many local offices and judgeship elections, ALL elections will be non-partisan.

No D, R, Green, Libertarian, etc, ad infinitum will appear next to any candidate’s name on any ballot.

Each and every candidate will be on his or her own and will have to win based on their platforms and ideas.

I like this idea for two reasons…One, candidates will have to actually have ideas and communicate to the electorate!! And two?

I would love to go to the polls and watch the heads of voters assplode when they break out into in a sweat and scream…

“Hey!! There’s no D or R next to the names. How do I know who to vote for!? Oh the Humanity!!”

Ha…The D and the R make life so easy. One need not think for themselves when they have the D and R to fall back on.

Voters might actually have to shut off Olbermann, Maddow, Hannity, and Limbaugh and think for themselves if this plan was implemented.

What a fucking shame, but it just might put this nation back on track and restore greatness and meaning to the phrase, American Statesman.

If this trend of electing ideological morons continues, our country will be on a path of crash and burn.

If these three jokers who I mentioned are elected, America will be on flight to nowhere… or worse.

It would be like me getting on airplane sitting next to some dude who looks like Payne Stewart and hearing:

“Welcome to American Flight 93, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Captain Earhart and I hope you enjoy your time on board. Our in-flight movie today is The Buddy Holly Story. Fasten your Seatbelts!!”

Cheers!!

Frankie Valli Blows...and So Does Drive-By Mikey!!

Feels like a good time for some Tuuuuuuesday Stream of Consciousness…

Oh what a night, late December back in ‘63. Auuugh!!

It never fails…

When I work with Drive-By Mikey at the Beer Mine on Mondays and Tuesdays…by 10:05 AM he starts singin’ a song and it’s stuck in mind head when I get home at 9:15 PM!!

It was an uneventful day at the Mine, but two of my fave chick customers came through, including my new Tyra Banks looking babe.

This mocha-cheena babe has the hots for me. Of course, if she ever read the Kwanzaa post I did last December, I think she’d change her mind.

My cat is laying on the floor next to me with her head resting on my mic headset. She’s odd, but cute. Kinda like yours truly.

What a very special time for me…cause I remember, what a night!! Doo-Doo-Doo. Fuckin’ Frankie Valli. Dago Bastard!!

Ima gonna shave my head Wednesday. Anyone wanna oil it when I’m done? Maybe I’ll have the mocha-cheena babe oil it up if she comes through on Thursday night.

I think Newt Gingrich has lost his fucking mind. He says that Obama suffers from Kenyan Anti-Colonialism. I think Newt suffers from penis and Palin envy.

I’m drinking a 24 ounce Labatts as I type thi--I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder…spinnin’ my head around and takin’ my body under…Fucking Mikey!!

There’s a bug crawling on the wall…hold on…Got him. Got another 11 hour shift today. My feet are howling. Mikey is such a slave driver!!

Actually not, but I have a bone to pick with him, or more accurately, his wife. She’s a great cook and Mike brings leftovers in all the time.

Holy Shit…It’s all good and I eat it all. I regularly worked in 90 degree heat this summer at the Mine and still gained weight.

Holy Cow, I need a smoke…Mmmmmmmm…What a lady, what a nighhhht. Must…make…it…stop!!

Ha!! I just saw a commercial for a local hearing aid company. Their phone number is 1-866-GOT-EARS. That’s some funny shit right there, boy.

Okay…enough of this stream. I need to save some for our radio show on Sunday, however, there is one last bit of business.

Ladies and Gentlemen…Time for another installment of, “Our Moment of Mexican Merriment with Luis!!”

The back of Luis' truck full of ice as he backed in…

And here is the back of his truck as he pulled out to go to his next stop…

Ha!! Actually Luis caught me this time and took a picture of me, but…

In the name of Mexican-American relations, he went ahead and left the sign on the back until his next stop.

Luis is such a buen huevo and funny fuck like that.

10-9 again today, so I shall catch you all later.

Cheers!!

Vikings, Cowboys, and Hot Dogs

I didn’t watch any football on Sunday. Well, at least I didn’t watch any on TV.

I was all excited about watching some gridiron action, but something got in the way and instead, I watched a football game that took place some 35 years ago.

You see, Beth and I got into a fight on Sunday.

The whys, heretofores, and whatnots are not important, but because of our emotional tussle, I shut the TV down.

I was pissed. She was pissed. The mood just wasn’t right…

Click…TV Off.

Beer in hand, a smoldering Marlboro Light dangling from my lip, and anger dancing between my synapses, I went outside and sat on the porch.

Three drags from the smoke, two sips off the beer, and one heavy sigh later, I blasted off to the past…to 1975.

Looking past, through, and beyond the hospital across the street, I could see the Minnesota Vikings playing the Dallas Cowboys.

It was great…

My favorite team when I was 10, the Minnesota Vikings, throwing it down with my dad’s favorite team, the Dallas Cowboys.

I could see Fran Tarkenton throwing to Sammy White…

I could feel Chuck Foreman, sweeping right, and I could hear my dad bitching about the Cowboys getting hosed on a “phantom” unnecessary roughness call, and...

I could envision every player, be they Viking or Cowboy, blowing frozen December steam from their noses while locking horns in the old Metropolitan Stadium. Ha. I smiled when I thought of that yesterday, and I remembered smiling on Sunday afternoons with Dad.

I loved ol’ Dad. He was one of the funniest, kindest, and yet, grumpiest sunzabitches I ever knew. He was the Holy Trinity of Conundrums.

Yet…In spite of all that, when I was a kid, every Sunday was football on TV. As the youngest of nine, it was mainly just him and I.

We would bet on one game every week. A nickel.

I would take the Vikings every week, and no matter what hapless team they were playing, Dad would take the other team.

Nearly every Monday, I would get a nickel for my “win”, and if the Vikings did happen to lose, he would tell me:

“We‘ll go double or nothing next week, Matt.”

We never did...somehow I always got the nickel, win or lose.

Halftime was even good back in those days…Dad and I would set up our TV trays and on cue, Mom would come out with soup and sandwiches.

While Pat Summerall and Tom Brookshire were getting sloshed on vodka and whiskey at halftime, Dad and I were getting sloshed on Bean Soup and Hot Dogs.

And all the while, my Dad would be saying to mom…

“You’ve done it again Mary Anne. Great Supper.”

And my mom, embarrassed, would respond, “It’s only hot dogs, Jack.”

To which Dad would say…

“You are kinder to me than the refs are to Tom Landry and Roger Staubach.”

I would smile, chuckle, and finish my hot dog.

It was the definition of “comfort food”, and I ate it up.

And while it was a fight between Beth and I that served these memories up on Sunday...

I would order those memories up any day of the week.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Koran Burning and Pigskin

It’s going to be a bee-yoo-tee-ful Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio today.

Partly cloudy and 76 degrees. Ahhhh, kind of a mix between Fall and Summer. I deem today to be the beginning of Fummer.

And you know what else begins today…That’s right, the NFL season. Boooo-Yah!!

Okay it really began Thursday, but that was only one game, and Brett Favre played in that game…

And since the old fucking prima donna who throws more interceptions than he does grow whiskers never really practiced with the Vikings during the pre-season, it was like a pre-season game so it doesn’t really count.

Speaking of football…Notre Dame lost to Michigan yesterday 28-24, but I wasn’t completely sorrowful.

At least Notre Dame didn’t completely suck, and it looks as though they may not be embarrassingly awful this year.

On the downside of things, Schmoop’s uterus is up to its monthly hijinx. All shedding the lining, discharging unfertilized eggs, and what not.

So, Matty-Boy ain’t havin’ sex anytime soon. Well, at least not with an actual person. Bummer. Oh well, as I mentioned, there’s always football to watch.

It will be enjoyable swilling some beer and tossin’ back some snacks while the Fummer air circulates through the digs while football is on, and Schmoop is doubled over in pain and drooling.

It has all the making of a Norman Rockwell painting titled: Fummer Comes to Bagwine.

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sund---

Oh Hell, wait just a minute sports fans…there’s one other thing taking place today as well.

Jayman and I will be doing our Blog Talk Radio Show, I’m With Stupid, today at 11 AM EDT.

If you’re not going to church today, tune into us, listen, and by God, call in!!

We’re going to be talking about Koran burning, pigskin, Pastor Terry Jones, and pulled pork sammiches.

It promises to be more fun than screwing 72 virgins on the 50 yard line of the Superdome.

Here’s the link to the Show Page, creatively titled: Link to the Show Page!!

Have a wonderful Sunday all, and as always…

Cheers!!

Our show has beem rescheduled for 1 PM EDT. Listen in Bitches...or not!!

Remembering 9/11: A Bagwine Tradition

Over the past nine years there has been speculation about the “real” story of who was responsible for the attacks of September 11, 2001.

Some conspiracies out there are that our own government did it, or Israel initiated it, and of course the former Bush administration’s position of:

“It doesnt matter who did it, as long we say “Saddam Hussein” as many times as possible when talking about 9-11.”

I have a very good idea who master-minded this cowardly attack. I came up with the answer after asking myself...

“Who profited from such an attack? Osama? "

No, all he has gotten out of the deal is a lifetime of cave dwelling.

The hijackers? Helloooooo…DEAD. Oh sure maybe they got their 72 virgins, but I am certain that there is a reason that they were virgins...there are few really hot looking Muslims.

Perhaps, President Bush was at fault...

I don’t think so, because three of the four attacks were successful in terms of their intent.

This shows proper planning and execution of the plan.

This of course, is quite the opposite of the Bush administration’s history concerning Military and Foreign policy efforts.

So, who does that leave?

Who’s dried up career is resurrected every time a national tragedy occurs? Ladies and gentlemen, look no further than Branson, Missouri and you will find the culprit…



That's right, Lee Greenwood!!

The man who rakes in royalties from his song(s) "Proud to be an American" and/or "God Bless the USA".

I have a feeling he was also the brainchild behind the the first Iraq War. As you know, you can't go to war without a rifle, a mess-kit, and Lee Fucking Greenwood.

Nice try Lee, but the Matt-Man is on to you and my next step is to call Oliver Stone.

I will be remembering 9-11 today by working 11-9 at the Beer Mine. How reciprocal is that!?

Enjoy your Saturday and...

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiiiday so you know what that means. That’s right…

Another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

Saturday Morning at the Bagwine digs getting ready for work…

Schmoop: Would you like me to make a sandwich for you to take to work?

Me: Sure!!

Schmoop: Baloney, okay?

Me: Hell yes.

Schmoop: Want the rind left on or not?

Me: Ha…Oh you’re a riot.

Schmoop: Hee Hee…I crack myself up.

Tuesday evening working at the Beer Mine as my regular who looks like Boris Karloff pulls in…

Boris: Get me a Diet Dew and be snappy about it.

Me: Here ya go.

Boris: How’s the website going?

Me: Just fine…doing an internet radio show now too.

Boris: (evidently setting up a joke) I had my own TV show for 25 years, y’know.

Me: Really? What, The Bozo Show?

Boris: (chuckling) You’re pretty quick tonight. See ya.

Saturday morning on the couch with Ryno prior to him, his mom, and his friends going to King’s Island…

Me: (putting my hand on his leg) Hope you guys have fun. I love you buddy.

Ryno: Um…could you get your hand off my thigh; I don’t see you buying me dinner anywhere in the near future.

Mom: Ryan!!

Me and Ryno: Hee Hee Hee.

Me: Good one.

And there you have it for this week, folks.

Have a wonderful Friday and a great weekend.

Don’t forget…

If you get the chance, listen to I'm With Stupid with Jayman and I Sunday at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio.

Until then…

Cheers!!

The Eagle Has Landed!!

Out with the noisy, grinding, on its last leg old...


And in with the quiet, slimlined newish...

It's one small step for Matt, and one giant leap for Matt-Kind...

Now I must configure.

Praise Jeebus, and thanks David!!

Cheers!!

Please Stand By...

Hi Kidz!! I have a programming note for you lovable, adorable perverts.

Sometime late Wednesday, I will become incommunicado for a time as I de-cord, de-power, and give the last rites to my computer.

It pisses me off...but, as the American Way is to build shit that doesn’t last so one is forced to buy something new, my piece of shit computer is being incredibly patriotic.

I have to respect that, and I shall be returning soon.

On Thursday, I will pick up my new unit thanks to Schmoop’s brother David, and hook it up sometime on that day as my Beer Mine schedule allows.

I shall (if all goes according to plan) be back in the digital age and swimming through the tubes of internets sometime before noon on Friday.

I know…I know…even thinking about a Matt-Man-Less World Wide Web let alone experiencing it, is a scary thing, but be strong.

It will be but a brief moment in time…

Unless of course, my string of bad luck continues and nothing fucking works after I hook it up!!

Maybe if I promise to burn a Quran on Saturday, GAWD will smile down upon me and my computer set-up with righteousness.

Until then, you chuckleheads…

Cheers!!

Could Ya Throw A Brutha Some Good Karma?

If you listened to I’m With Stupid or read my post this past Sunday, you know one thing for sure…

Matt-Man is in a Karma funk. Allow me to ‘splain…

My computer which has slowly been going to the dogs, has damn near barked its last bite. But, is getting replaced on Thursday.

Nonetheless…

The crashing could not have come at a more inopportune time, and in the meantime...

I will continue to listen to my current computer making a garbled, incoherent, moaning sound that resembles the noise made when Helen Keller had orgasms.

Our phone went to shit and our router box may or may not have gone to shit. Okay, I can get that replaced free.

And dig this…

Last Monday, I was getting ready for work, and a cross that I wear on a chain around my neck, fell off and went into the toilet as I was peeing.

I said to myself…

“Self, this can’t be a good sign, but I must stick my hand into my own urine and save the symbol of the Little Baby Jeebus.”

I did. I parted the Yellow Sea and saved the cross.

And then on my Fantasy football team, I got rid of a running back and picked up a sleeper named Montario Hardesty. This guy is a touchdown machine.

The same day I picked him up, he indeed, during a pre-season game, scored a touchdown, and then later in the game?

He tore his fucking ACL and is out for the season.

And then, I find out that T.J Houshmandzadeh who is one of my starting WR’s gets cut by the Seahawks.

What the Fuck?

So, I pick up a loser castaway WR from the Cowboys in Patrick Crayton. At this point I’m thinking…

“Gee, when is my spectacular QB Matt Schaub announcing that he has converted to Mormonism and will leave the NFL to serve a two year mission in Botswana or Sierra Leone?”

So far, that hasn’t happened, but I expect it anytime now, and if it does happen? I'm going to fuck Glenn Beck in the ass and make it hurt!!

Oy…and then, yesterday, Monday fucking morning…I go out to the kitchen, hit the light switch, and one of the fluorescent lights assplodes.

On top of all this, Schmoop is getting rid of the couch I love, people hate me, and my hemorrhoids are acting up.

I don’t get it…I’m such a nice person. And yet, what do I get for it?

Damn right…Heartache!!

I’m working all day today, so be nice to one and other in my absence.

Maybe if you are nice on my site, the good Karma will osmomatically return to me.

Cheers!!

Happy Labor Day!!

Many Americans have today off in honor of all the folks who struggled to bring justice to the workplace and helped to make America an industrial and business giant.

Many of you will watch people drool all over themselves while watching the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon. I'm talking about Jerry and his vaudeville-era guests of course.

Labor Day also makes for a good day to have a backyard cookout...

But don't forget that Labor Day also marks the last day it is acceptable in a fashion sense to wear white until next summer.

Unless, you look like this...

If you look like that in white...you can wear it year 'round.

Alas...I will be working at the Beer Mine from 10-9 today, but that's okay because...

Just like I did when I was union rep for some years with SEIU, I don't mind working hard so you don't have to...

Bottoms Up and Solidarity Forever, Bitches!!

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Death Comes To Bagwine

It's going to be a pleasantly cool and sunny Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio, however...

It will be raining in my heart.

The perfect storm of disaster has slammed against the Bagwine digs leaving me drowing in a storm surge of sorrow.

Look at this picture of the command center of Bagwine Rumnations...

The computer, the phone, and possibly my router box that controls all of those things all have a case of the goo.

They are dying at a rapid pace.

The computer is slow. The phone comes through as barely audible when I call into the I'm With Stupid Blog Talk Radio show that Jay and I do, and I lose internets connection from time to time.

My heart is heavy, but full of hope. You see...

I have a phone to test out on the show today. I am taking the router back to Time Warner this week to be tested and replaced if need be, and...

I am buying a computer from Schmoop's brother that he no longer wants. It is cherry and the kind boy is setting me up with a desk, chair, and printer/scanner/fax machine that he no longer uses as well.

So...by the end of the week my computer woes will be fixed. In the meantime I may be a bit sporadic on the tubes of the nets.

"Okay" you say, "that's a bit of a pain in the ass, Matt-Man, but it is hardly tragic, 'cause you are gettin' things fixed this week."

Well, let me tell you folks. When Schmoop was over at her brother's house yesterday, her brother David decided that there was something else he wanted to get rid of.

His huge, comfortable couch. Schmoop jumped at the offer and as a result, Kelly's days in the Bagwine digs are down to seven...

That's right. My beloved couch Kelly, pictured above is getting the cold, hard, jack-booted kick in the ass and out the door by Schmoop.

Words escape me right now, for she has served me so well for so long. Once I compose myself, I will post what is sure to be an incredibly sad, yet moving funeral service.

Another crushing blow to my good nature smacked me upside da head yesterday as well...

Notre Dame crushed Purdue 23-12 in their gridiron opener. If they manage to beat Michigan next week and go 2-0, I will be really pissed.

'Cause if the Irish start the season 2-0, I'll get all asscited and hopeful and undoubtedly they will collapse during the season leaving me once again, sobbing and despondent.

And the worst part about that scenario, is that there will be no Kelly for me to lie upon and curl up into a tear-soaked fetal position.

Amen, and Amen...

If you get the chance tune into I'm With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio today at 11 AM EDT.

I will undoubtedly have tech problems but Jay will be crystal clear as always, and next week, look out.

I'll be burning up the internets and coming through loud and clear on the show.

Have a fun rest of the Labor Day Weekend, y'all.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiiiiday, so you know what that means. That’s Right..!!

Time for yet another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

Schmoop going through the Beer Mine Wednesday afternoon while Pizza Bill and Drive-By Mikey were working…

Mikey: Smootie. Hey Smootie!! Can I--

Schmoop: No Mike, you can’t pee on me.

Mikey: You could pee on me. I could get off on that. Hee Hee Hee.

Schmoop: (Looking at Pizza Bill) Your boss is a moron. I ain't peein' on him. Women got no pee direction anyway. Of course, you guys don’t either.

Pizza Bill: Sure we do.

Schmoop: Then why do you guys always leave piss all over the seat and the floor?

Pizza Bill: That’s not from not having direction. It’s from backsplash.

Mikey: Smootie!! Hey Smootie!!

Schmoop: WHAT!?

Mikey: Tell Matt-Man not to have sex with you for two hours tonight; he has to work tomorrow. Tell him to get it done in 15 minutes.

Schmoop: Bye Bill (drives off)

Mikey: (yelling as she drives off) Smootie!! Hey Smoot!! Hee Hee Hee.

Thursday prior to taking Ryno to school on the day that the guys have to wear a shirt and tie…

Me: Looks good dude.

Ryno: Thanks. You know what else looks good?

Me: What?

Ryno: My fist in your face. Hee Hee.

Talking to Ryno as I took him home from school…

Ryno: Do I look good or what? Man, I am chiseled.

Me: Ha. You’re 6 foot tall and 162 pounds.

Ryno: But I’m ripped. When I enter a room people say, “Ryno looks just like Lou Ferrigno, only beautiful.”

Me: Ha. That was pretty good.

Ryno: I learned from the best, Dad.

That’s it for this week folks. Have a wonderfully fun and safe Labor Day Weekend. And…

If you have nothing better to do Sunday morning at 11 AM EDT, tune into I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio and listen to Jayman and me.

Or, if my computer and/or phone has the shits again this Sunday, you can at least listen to Jay.

Have a Friday, and as always…

Cheers!!